Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Bipolar- do you think he will come back?

Hi-
I recently met a man online; he actually e-mailed me first and was very interested. We clicked right away and moved pretty fast, though he was the one initiating all the first steps. Right away he told me he was bipolar, and he also told me that he could be really mean and moody but he would never ever do anything to hurt me. He complimented me all the time and talked about how he does not want to mess anything up and it's too good to be true, etc. He told me that he had only been in 4 other relationships and only slept with 3 other people (which I thought was suspicious). He was very open, told me he did not have a lot of money, told me he has had tons of different jobs... all the kinds of things I have been reading about on this board. Then, after about a week, out of nowhere he started speaking very negative/depressed/hopeless comments. I told him that he has me and I;m not going anywhere, and he said that he is not ready for a relationship and wants to be single. I was so shocked! Unline a lot of stories I read on here, he was very nice and did not say anything bad about me, did not sound angry, etc. I kept saying I would give him space but if he changes his mind he can call me. He kept saying he thought he was ready but he is not and he shouldn't have moved so fast and he's sorry, and he doesn't think he will be ready for a relationship anytime soon. Nothing I said made a difference and he stopped responding to my messages. It has been about 5 days since then. I would like to keep sending messages at least once in a while, something like "Have a good day" because if he changes moods and wants someone, I don't want him to think he ruined his chances with me. However I don't want to annoy him and have him do something like block me. Anyone who has experience, do you think I should just stop saying anything altogether, or if I should, what should I say and how often? I'm not going to dwell on this- I will continue to live my life and not let this stop me; but I do care about him and I am certainly willing to work hard on this relationship if he wanted to. He's not on medication and I think right now he does not want to be. A lot of posts on this board say "He will come back- they always do" but is that really true? It seems he is a little bit different because when he stopped contacting me, he was very sweet (did not act mad at me, said I didn't do anything wrong, said he's messed up and doesn't want to mess someone elses life up), so I am afraid he is so self-aware and really does not want to hurt me that when his mood does lift, he will be aware that if he goes back to me, the same thing will probably happen again. Now, I KNOW I will get responses that say "move on, at least he is telling you the truth, he knows himself so he is right, don't get attached because it will happen again" etc. I know this, but this is more curiosity of what you think he will do. Do you think he will try to come back? If so, how long do you think it will take? Usually I would think if months go by that he won't, but after reading on here I'm not so sure.
Thank you!
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First Helper Janelle90
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replied January 22nd, 2013
I have tons of experience in this department. Eventually you will end up hating his guts because no matter how sweet you are, no matter how much you try to let him know you are there for him, no matter how many times you take him back etc, it will never work. You will have to learn for yourself. My off and on relationship lasted nearly 9 months. I read all the comments, tried to be strong but we kept getting back together. Nothing I say can make you do anything different. You will just have to see for yourself. I was told to run, many times. I did, but he kept coming back and promising to change. He would change and then just lose his mind again. He has never been angry or violent to me either, but turns out he is a sexaholic and has had unprotected sex with hundreds of women. Yup. That is a side effect, they lie, cheat and are capable of sleeping with a lot of people when they are manic. Not all bipolars are the same though. A medicated one who wants you in their life will not do this. They are also very likely to do drugs like cocaine. Good luck and I hope you are strong and ready for a rocky road ahead, where you may even start showing signs of insanity yourself.
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replied January 22nd, 2013
One more thing, he might never come back. They don't always come back, I have read many stories where the BP partner just never showed up again, years gone by. Many of them do come back at some point, however it's not guaranteed because they are individuals. Each person is different.
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replied October 8th, 2016
how many months go by before someone gives up hope? do bipolar only come back when they feeling down or something>? " sorry don't know what to call it when they are down, If my ex did ever re-appear again, what reason do you think she may decide out of the blue send an email or text?
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replied January 22nd, 2013
Thank you for replying! So you aren't in that relationship anymore? How long did it usually take before he came back to you, or was it always different? At this point I feel like I want to find out for myself, you know? Well, as opposed to nothing. He has been responding to my messages, but just small talk and still says he is not ready for a relationship. It's not like it was, but he's not ignoring me which is good.
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replied January 23rd, 2013
If he does not want to be in a relationship then you need to respect that. That has nothing to do with his illness. You are just setting yourself up to get hurt. For me, he usually came back every few days.
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replied January 26th, 2013
If you want another perspective I think if you give him the space and live your life it will work out. You need to seriously educate yourself about this illness. Its not like any other and if given the power it will destroy you along with him/her. I am at one of those times now where I am giving my girl space because the relationship is to much to handle right now and I understand that. A bi polar person has much more emotional distress on a daily basis then you think and yah the reputation for bi polar relationships is basicly a get out now type of stigma but thats not true. Learn about him and what he has, slowly move towards him when he comes back around and he will if he was caring enough to tell you he didnt want it. If he didnt he would have never even said that much because the conflict alone probably scares him. Recognize that if he is in an episode right now its not him doing most of the thinking and if you take it personal you wont survive. Yah this will be alot of work and for some people it does wwear them out being with a bi polar spouse. If you care about this man then together you will eventually develope skills so when this happens you arent left behind to wait but part of the solution. It takes time just like anything else.
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replied January 27th, 2013
Be realistic. Do more research. I have spoken to doctors and I have gone to group therapy and met with partners of bipolar people. I know deep inside you want it to work out, but unless the person is medicated and is in therapy it will not work out. I'm not going to lie to anyone and tell them what they want to hear. Just browse the internet and read posts of countless men and women who have stayed in such relationships. 99.9% will advise you to leave and they will tell you they wish someone was tough on them and they would not have spent so much of their lives agonizing over one person. If the person has bipolar type 2, it's somewhat better because the person mostly suffers from depression, even though it can still be a challenge, however it does not always impair their judgement like a person with bipolar type 1. Bipolar type 1 can be devastating on a relationship. It is more than just highs and lows, it's impaired judgment, delusional behavior, chronic lying, chronic infidelity, narcissism, chaotic behavior, mind constantly changing. Think of Katy Perry's song Hot and Cold. You will start going crazy yourself and for what? Someone who is incapable of loving you how you deserve to be loved? Trust me, I understand the way you both feel because I fell deeply in love with my bipolar ex. To this day I still have to check up on him. We are still friends but he is not stable and he never will. I still love him but I had to face reality. I am now dating someone who is stable and the difference is amazing. Why would I take the time to respond to this if I didn't know what I was talking about? I am doing it because I want to help you. I want to help you because I have been there. I'm trying to save you from the heartache you are setting yourselves up for. And sometimes when you give them space, they will move on to the next thing. They are capable of falling for people very fast. People on the internet used to tell me to leave him but I still went ahead against their advice and now I have seen it for myself. Think about yourself also. You need to be with someone who WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, not just sometimes. You are selling yourselves short by limiting yourselves to being with someone who is bad for you. But it's your choice. Maybe you need to actually go through hell, and maybe then you will make the right decision. Good luck to you both. You will need it.
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replied February 5th, 2013
I do believe that if I were to date someone else it could be different. However, the relationships before this person were worse at this point. The bipolar man, when we are together, has been extremely nice, caring, etc. and I am not used to that. It also won't change that I care about him, so I don't really want to look for someone else right now.
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replied February 5th, 2013
Thank you. How long have you been dating? I also read the posts below yours, but of course every situation is different. I have read a lot of posts online (not only on this site) and yes many of the relationships end. Sometimes it takes a very long time though. The man I was talking about did come back after I have him space, though I did keep it touch so that he would know I still cared about him. I assume it will probably happen again of course.
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replied February 3rd, 2013
The great thing about bipolars is their direct honesty Smile They can make dishwashing sound like they are brain surgeons. So that honesty, that I have bipolar and I can't hold down a job is a typical bipolar thing. They have elevated self confidence, so sound almost proud and convincing that it is perfectly okay to be washing dishes part time and being fired every five minutes at nearly 40. They oddly manage to even make it sound classy!!

I decided last night to walk away from the love of my life who is bipolar, because (and he sounds exactly like the guy you describe, but they all do, they are very typical and identical to each other) I deserve a good life, not one on eggshells, living in fear of him leaving again, the constant condescending throw down words if you don't fit their exacting standards.

I find myself frustrated that a jobless bipolar guy lectures me about being a better person and manages to make me feel unworthy.

Your life will be a living hell.............that loving, fun, romantic, affectionate relationship you dream of, it isn't going to happen with a bipolar and that is the sad part of it.

There are one or two who on medication do really well, my friends mum is one of those, but it's rare, really rare. As someone said, 99% of partners of bipolar will tell you to run and over 90% of bipolar marriages end.
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replied February 15th, 2013
I am amazed how these descriptions are EXACTLY the same! I was in a 3 year relationship; absolutely in love; he bipolar; beautiful; confident; educated. Very loving the first few weeks then not wanting to kiss but lots of sex; then the verbal abuse; ugly words; everything my fault; pushing me away; then calling every 30 secs; yesr 2 he became very manic; threatened to kill me; restraining order; of course we always get bsck together; I must have been crazy by then; I loved him desperately; I had to make it work but the cycle over and over again. Then in August 2012 he suddenly is sick; from a Frid as t to a Tuesday he's disgnosed with cancer; Im devestated and of course he won't let me see him in the hospital; maybe a Godsend but I'm deveststed in this loss. The craziness is over; I'm left with trying to move on with "normal" WHAT IS THAT? !
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replied February 15th, 2013
I am amazed how these descriptions are EXACTLY the same! I was in a 3 year relationship; absolutely in love; he bipolar; beautiful; confident; educated. Very loving the first few weeks then not wanting to kiss but lots of sex; then the verbal abuse; ugly words; everything my fault; pushing me away; then calling every 30 secs; yesr 2 he became very manic; threatened to kill me; restraining order; of course we always get bsck together; I must have been crazy by then; I loved him desperately; I had to make it work but the cycle over and over again. Then in August 2012 he suddenly is sick; from a Frid as t to a Tuesday he's disgnosed with cancer; Im devestated and of course he won't let me see him in the hospital; maybe a Godsend but I'm deveststed in this loss. The craziness is over; I'm left with trying to move on with "normal" WHAT IS THAT? !
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replied February 4th, 2013
My husband and I have been seperated for 5 months and I've filed for divorce. He tells me hes still attracted to me and cares for me but done. Showed up at my house yesterday calling me crazy and putting me down while asking what furniture I was going to leave him and that he wants full custody of our 4 year old....over my dead body. He's so wishy washy....hot then cold, nice then mean. It's just confusing to know when it's the truth or not. I ask him if he ever misses me or still loves me and I get no answer. He knows I still love him but from a distance. He's also been cheating the whole time he's been gone! It's been a miserable 5 months!
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replied February 5th, 2013
Thank you for your reply... I'm sorry you are going through that especially with a child. I was just thinking today about how much worse it could be if I had children with this man. Take care!!
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replied February 26th, 2013
All I can think about reading all of these posts is that I wish I had read these while I was dating my ex. I don't believe it would have salvaged the relationship, but hopefully I would have opened my eyes and realized I was never going to be able to make him stay no matter what I did. And because he would stop talking to me randomly out of no where I always was willing to talk to him when he came back because I wanted closure from the last time because he would never give me the answers that I needed to get over it. I was always agonizing over what the heck happened between monday night and tuesday morning. He was very possessive and I gave up trying to see my friends because it was a huge blow up. One time I took to long at the store and he called me screaming he hoped he died and threatening to crash his car (all while speeding down the interstate). I was only 19-20 I had no idea how to handle some one like that. The first time he mentioned not being sure if he still wanted to be with me we had been together the summer and he just brought it up in a text. I said oh well have a nice life and he immediately said no never mind I didn't mean it. ... That should have really taught me something, but as I was more in love I was unable to act uncaring when he decided he was done. To answer the question about how long those phases lasted... for him it was a month. Always long enough for me to just start feeling a little okay then wham a text from him. After the last time we broke up I didn't hear from him for about 8 months then out of the blue an "accidental" mass text that I just happened to get and then a oh I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you. He went on to say he missed his best friend and he was not trying to get back together he just wanted my friendship back. I must say I had a lot of anger toward him due to factors that are way to complicated to write all of and I really let him have it. He had the nerve to text me a picture of us together from an album I had put together for him! I ALMOST contemplated meeting him for a drink, but then I realized all that time I had spent getting over him might come crashing down if I saw him in person. Anyway all the talk from people on here saying that being with a bp person will make you do crazy things is very true. One time when he decided he was done talking to me I decided that I wasn't going to let him get away with ignoring me like that and I drove to his apt complex and sat in his car thinking he'll HAVE to come out and talk to me. I lost my nerve before I hit 5 minutes because I realized I was being ridiculous, but I was so angry with him and I couldn't believe it was happening yet again. It is not completely impossible, but it is really no way to live your life. You never know when the other shoe will drop so to speak and any little thing might be the next huge blow up. If I had know what I was getting myself into I probably would have still tried at first, but I doubt I would have persevered for so long.
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