I have been dating a bipolar man for about a year. He is medicated, but he still seems to cycle quite a bit...I never knew him before the medications, so I'm not sure how his moods compare. When I met him, he was somewhat obsessed with me and I had just become divorced and really thrived from his attentions. At first all was well, but after the first month or so he would go through periods of withdrawl from me. As though he had to be "in the mood" for me. Which was fine at the time because we weren't that serious.

For the last six months we have lived together. It was too soon and he did it in a fit of mania. Within a month he seemed to realize we were moving too fast, but he'd lost his job and had no where to move to. I supported him for the entire six month and was happy to do so. I understood the situation was not ideal, but instead of trying to improve the situation he withdrew from me more and more and seemed to resent me for taking away his control and self-confidence by supporting him. I'm sure that during this time there were many bouts of cheating and lying.

Two months ago we decided to start a business together. I thought this might help his mood! It did. BUT about a month into it he broke up with me...but still wanted to continue our business partnership. Which is really hard for me and I'm not sure I want to go through with it. He says he loves me, finds me attractive, and says I'm "the most amazing person he's ever met". But he doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with me at this point. BUT, I"ve been hanging in having read about bipolar issues and how sometimes when the depression lifts they can regret having broken up and will return to the relationship. Our business has started to really become successful and he seems happier than he has in ages. I really love and care for him and think we could have a wonderful future (although I am prepared to have to deal with these bipolar issues forever). My question to you is, am I fooling myself? Should I move on? Is he just continuing to take advantage of me? Or is there some hope that, once his depression lifts, our relationship can resume?
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First Helper ConfusedKK
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replied May 2nd, 2009
My view on the situation.....
My advise to you (and no I am not a mental health expert just a woman who deals with a bp spouse) If you had a daughter in your exact situation, what would your advise to her be? Be true to yourself.... you are worth it!!
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replied May 19th, 2011
Experienced User
I think that they will go on like that forever, my own bf breaks up, comes back, breaks up again, phones again, etc, he is tottaly unpredicable. I love him to bits but have cut all contact to see if he faces the need to change, look for therapy, etc.
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replied May 19th, 2011
Yep. I posted on here in early April searching for some advice, super upset about our breakup. Scared he wouldn;t come back. Paranoid he meant what he said about not wanting to be in a relationship with me anymore. And what happened? He came back. Begged me, told me he made the biggest mistake, that he loves me and will never leave me again, that he is excited for our future. He even texted me that something similar and told me to keep it. Last Saturday I have a text with him telling me that he doesnt know what he would do with out me and how much he loves me. He called me that night to hang out. We had amazing sex, then again in the morning. The next day Monday. I had a difficult day and just wanted to talk. He seemed distant and I asked what was wrong, He said he needed space, that he loved me but only as a friend, that he didnt want a relationship... AGAIN. I was like Rob c'mon your flipping again, don't you see? Why are we doing this again? " I dont want to be in a relationship, I need to get back to me" I bust out the text that was only from 6 weeks earlier. But look Rob look, you told me to keep this, that you really loved me... "thats how i felt at that time"... He completely shut me out. Mr. Hyde was back. I don't know this guy. Who is so cold to me, hurts me, and ignores me. No matter how hard i tried to break through to him, he was set in his decision just like the last 6 times. Today is his birthday and frankly I'm happy. He will soon flip back and regret what he has done, and I will already be gone.

I really love this quote

"Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, its not our loss but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldnt give up on them"

This quote made me realize, that I want someone to fight for me. I want someone that is going to love me the way I love Rob. And if I continue to ride this emotional rollercoaster, I will never meet him. Because no matter how much I try to make this work with Rob, it never will and the sooner that I come to the conclusion, that I need to let him go and That sometimes loving someone just isnt enough, the closer I will be to the Man that will love me,and stay loyal to me all the time, and not just part time. Not be in love with me one second and then disappear the next. I have the hardest time with trying to rationalize it bc the change is so overnight, but in reality we can try to understand it, but we never will. Because we don't feel the same way, our brains don't work the same way.. there is no understanding what they want, because they dont even understand it. They just act on their impulses and feeling in that time. It hurts, because I know he will come back. I know he will be sad and regretful, beg for me back. And even if he doesn't its still sad, bc just a week ago we were completely in love. Or at least I thought we were. My heart goes out to you all.
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replied May 24th, 2011
Experienced User
I'm sorry you're going through this.....and it sounds like what I'VE gone through so many times with MY bp bf. I've come to the point where I'm trying to accept and move on, as well, b/c it DOESN'T change. The hurt and feeling of betrayal is so deep when they just flip emotions on you. I can't keep going through this, and like you, I want a person who loves me back and someone I can count on. Hold to the belief that it WILL get better.....the only way out is through it....
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replied December 14th, 2011
Bipolar from a broken man
As a bipolar man myself I can tell you I have done that myself. I know for me it is a strong fear of being alone. We have a tendency to distance ourselves but not necesarrily let go. I would keep them at arms length and when I really needed then I would come in. Fear is a big spark for mania or depression. Its fear that I know drives me to do unspeakable things and then when I come out of my mood, I just collapse on myself in distain. It is a visious cycle. I was just recently diagnosed bipolar but always had a feeling that something was not quite right. When you keep making the same mistakes over and over again, it becomes normal behavior and atleast I really didn't think anything was wrong just living a hard life. But my mother was diagnosed with bipolar serveral years ago and never told any of us about it. Just recently I am separated and am getting a divorce from my wife of 11 years. I do very much feel for her and how she ever put up with me for that long. I could see what I was doing and just could not stop once I got into that mood. When I would come out I was so devestated by my actions that it would make me swing again. It was a very bad and vicious cycle that claimed a lot of people. That what I deal with on a daily basis. The destructive path that I left behind. So if therapy is not apart of the action plan it should be. Those issues will keep poping up. I have a photographic memory which is sometimes good, but it can also be a curse. There are so many things I wish I could just delete out of my mind. But I can't and that kind of makes us who we are. Some of it makes us stronger but it can also break us. But that's the life that was given to me and its for me to deal with. My last episode was with someone who I had fallen madly in love with. We were talking like we were soulmates. And it was someone who I knew and cared about for a long time. I became so high and euphoric. And then it all came crashing down. One of my worst symptoms was hyersexuality. And when my soon to be ex found out I was dating, she became jelous. She came after me and I could not resist. That lead to us breaking up. She eventually went back to her husband who she was divorcing. She pretty much told me I caused her to go back. She didn't love me and didn't want to talk to me ever again. So it's been an emotional struggle the last few months of rapid cycling. When I got to my breaking point is when I had to do something. I still fell a lot of remorse for what I did. But I'm also looking for forgiveness, which is hard to find. I will more than likely struggle with that issue for the rest of my life. So I've kind of given up on love. I guess for some people it just isn't meant to be and I sure feel like I'm one of them.
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replied December 14th, 2011
Experienced User
TKLOSS, Shame on you! You say you have a fear of being alone, so you distance yourself. That is a contradiction. You are not a child. You want people to believe you have no self control and it was okay to cheat on your wife and ruin people's lives. I am not buying what you are trying to sell. Bipolar is no excuse! You need to put on your big boy pants. If you want another chance, you better get your head on straight. If you need meds, therapy, whatever, do it! Put your life back together. And for pete's sake, quit feeling sorry for yourself and make amends to the poor folks you mistreated.

I hope you can get it right. With time and commitment, forgiveness will come. Keep trying, don't give up.

I'm being tough on you, yes. Too many people put their head in the sand and live miserably. You don't have too. There is help. Find a good doctor that specializes in bipolar. Good Luck.
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replied May 19th, 2011
Experienced User
I think when they go through the depressive episodes, they really do not feel "love" for you. They tend to think like a healthy person, so when the love disappear, they think back on when they "loved" you, realize it is has changed, and think it is a natural "dying" of love. In addition, a lot of them are having great difficulty just leading their day to day life, and feel a great sense of guilt and unworthiness. They think that you deserve better, and they just want to be left alone to deal with their feelings of unhappiness.

I think it takes a great deal of commitment and work for them to be able to see past their feelings, to realize they are being triggered by a chemical imbalance. My ex-fiance really believed that it was normal for feelings of love that had persisted for two years to die in a matter of days. What the disorder is capable of is really scary, and you might learn to understand it, but you will never be able to really understand what they experience.

I wish all the best for people with the disorder, and their friends, families, and loved ones. It has been almost seven weeks for me without speaking to her, with only sporadic, one line responses to texts and IM's. I hope that once we start talking again, I will have the strength to not go back, not until she gets help.
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replied May 20th, 2011
Experienced User
Cogito

my Godness, it is all the same.
My bf can do the same, absolutely, it seems we are talking about the same person. My bf doesnt believe he is BP, he gets angry if I even casually mention it, so I dont know how to get him to look for treatment. He does go and come back, it is so predicable.I know of a girl whose fiancee (BP) left her with the wedding dress ready. My own is now shutting me off again saying that everything goes wrong for him thats why he wouldnt put me through this by staying with me. He is sending emails that I wont respond anymore. I have cut him off for the time being. He needs to see the consequences of his actions.
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replied May 20th, 2011
Experienced User
Hi

I'm bipolar and "we're" not all the same. It's a struggle and not a fun illness to live with. Most of the time, like the men you mentioned, people with bipolar don't even realize they're hurting you so shutting them out, punishing them, pointing fingers is not the best idea.

Tell him how much you care about him and his well being. Offer support and encourage treatment. Don't use the terms "You did this..." or "You need help.." because that can come off as offensive and he may become defensive. Speak up (if you don't) when you're hurt so he knows what's going on.
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replied May 20th, 2011
Experienced User
Ive tried everything. he puts the phone down for the least thing, shuts me off for days, refuses to see the issues, likes drama, etc, I dont know how to get him to get better. I love him more than you can imagine, love him so muuch, Im with him through it all, it is so hard on me, I cannot reach his heart, the pain is constant and very difficult to live with, I just wanted things to be normal.
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replied May 20th, 2011
Experienced User
I do not think all people with the disorder are the same, but if you notice, the symptoms all come from a pretty short list, and the behaviors caused by the symptoms are often quite similar.

I realize telling her that she is sick and needs help probably makes it less likely that she will start talking to me again any time soon, but she needs to hear it. Sometimes being a friend means telling someone what she needs to hear, not what she wants to hear.

If she were an alcoholic, not confronting her about her problem would ultimately be being a bad friend. Untreated bipolar disorder is not that different from substance abuse (with the obvious exception that people with the illness did absolutely nothing to "deserve" it).
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replied May 24th, 2011
Experienced User
You can try to talk to a person with bipolar...however my experience with talking did nothing but made the situation worse. She would go down a path that was completely foreign to me....all the while me telling her I loved her....wanting to be there for her....etc.. I'm not stating relationships with people who have bipolar don’t work....because there are success stories however they are few and far between. I stayed for over 2.5 years and finally had to end it. She was so out of control mentally at the end....she suggested I meet a guy she had been sleeping with all the while she was telling me she loved me....wanted to marry me...etc.. This is what I had to deal with. Your experience may be totally different…however if you simply look through this forum you’ll read about many people just like yourself with very similar relationship traits revolving around someone who has bipolar.

Chris
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Users who thank hotandsunny for this post: n2kismet 

replied December 11th, 2011
sad
All these stories including mine sound the same. My ex left me after a year. It was the best year of my life, until he flipped/switched. I thought I would marry him and have a family together. Going from looking at houses together to a month later coming home and the place was empty. BP runs in the family and he wont get treated. Its time for me to realize he doesnt want help. I believe he choose to let the bp win or he would have seeked help. Beautiful relationships turned into nothing over night...
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replied December 11th, 2011
sad
All these stories including mine sound the same. My ex left me after a year. It was the best year of my life, until he flipped/switched. I thought I would marry him and have a family together. Going from looking at houses together to a month later coming home and the place was empty. BP runs in the family and he wont get treated. Its time for me to realize he doesnt want help. I believe he choose to let the bp win or he would have seeked help. Beautiful relationships turned into nothing over night...
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