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bipolar boyfriend with double personalities ?

I am 18 and I have a boyfriend same age as me. We have been together for about 5month.
He told me that he is a bipolar before we're together.
I don't really check out what actually is bipolar at first because he seem really normal and has been nice to me.
But after we're together, quarrels happened. Those quarrels originate from very tiny matter. eg: when we're walking, he talks to me and i just replied him softly and he couldnt hear me, i told him i get really tired so i replied softly. But he gets really mad at me and even pulled me. When we bring to discussion after a quarrel, He would make comparison between me and him which are not related at all. I know he did this just because he could have a reason to bring all the blames on me. Everytime he did something on me, eg: bought me dinner or stuff like that, he would that is so great and expect me to treat him nicely even though he had done wrong.

I've already bear so long of his behaviors and i cant even tell him what he wrong because i knew he could get mad and then i'm getting the hurt at last.

This conditions keep on and off. The even serious one, he slapped me up.
The story was like, we going to meet for breakfast at 9am( We stayed quite near. he have to walk to meet me up ),
but it was 8.40am but he still haven wake up so i called him and ask him is it he dont take our date as a matter.
He said i nag at him and scold me that he gets annoy by talking to me.
Then we met up and but i walked off in front of him cz i get really mad by what he'd scold me..
He then pulled and yelled at me even the passerby was looking at us.
He pulled me really hardly so i bite his hand, thats the only way i can get off.
Out of sudden he like changed into lunatic, he slapped me and i was shock and i have nothing else can do but just keep cried and cried.
We bring into discussion then, but i have no chance no raise my voice at all. He the one who right always.
If i said about my feelings, he sure have something to fight back then he would likely become a psycho.

I'd always suspicious about every words he told me, so i check his chatlogs. (I know its wrong,but i got no idea.)
I realised the way he acts in chatting with others is totally different than me. He tells a lot of lies. He even tells others that how mean is me and he wants to dump me.

I was shocked. I struggled between should i ask him or not. I couldn't bear no more, i ask him about that and he denied then. After that he admitted and blamed me that i'm the one bring him into these. He chose to get away instead of take responsible on wrong he made.

I keep ask him why and why. He said it is because of his bipolar sickness and he cant stands quarrels.
He said he's not purposely, he said its like someone devil comes out from himself that did that.
Should i believe?

I love him too much, i forgave him again and try to help him get through the suffer although i'm in suffering as well.
We're still young and long to go so I always hope he will get well and change. But should i believe in my beliefs?
I afraid the hurts would never end.

Can anyone please help me out from the fear?TQ
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First Helper User Profile Hatsumomo

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replied January 21st, 2009
Advice from one who knows
Hi. I read your post and felt really moved to respond. I am 34, bipolar and also have a boyfriend who is bipolar too.

To answer your major question: YES, you should believe him that his bipolar illness can/may/does dictate his actions in negative ways.

You state that you love him. So I would suggest that you really take a good look at some good info on this disorder. I included a link to a good site.

Bipolar disorder is complex. Most people misunderstand how a 'mood' disorder really affects someone. You may think of moods as how you feel for a short time, just a feeling. But for many people with this disorder depending on which cycle they are in, everything changes. Yes, they are moods, but there is so much more. Everything being, their perceptions, their thoughts, likes and dislikes, irritability, how they see the world/people and respond to them, whether they are/are not paranoid, ect. It is almost like being a different person, and it is something that we do not have much control over. That is why it is a disorder. We are also very susceptible to negative effects from stress, which may be why your boyfriend can't stand quarrels.

I am not trying to excuse his negative actions exactly, but I just think that it is important that you understand what you are dealing with.
For myself, I can definitely say that I have many regrets over how my actions have hurt or offended others. And yes they were tied to my illness. But I don't believe that that means that I have no responsibility for them. I try to learn from my own mistakes, I apologize, I try to improve what I can. But here is the rub, this disorder is a PART of who I am. It is not like cancer or some other physical illness. I am more than my disorder, but it is part of my personality too. And so it is for your boyfriend.

It is important to keep in mind that this is a life-long illness for which there is no cure. The moods may come and go and there may even be times where he is in remission (no active symptoms), but it will not simply go away.There are medications that may help control his moods. But they will not cure him. And only he can choose to take them or not. Fixing brain chemistry (temporarily) with medication is difficult as each person is different and the brain is complex. And these meds are not without serious side effects (anything from minor/major physical discomfort, altered thinking, disorientation, possible 'dulling' of thoughts or creativity, ect) for many who take them. Medication for bipolar disorder is not something to be considered lightly.

I suggest that you find out more about it( there is a lot of good info on the web). And then ask yourself this: Is this something that you are willing/able to deal with in the person that you love? Only you can answer that.

If the answer is yes, there is much you can do to educate yourself on the best ways to cope, to help him, to handle negative situations in ways that will benefit you both in the long run, and to work together to get your needs met for both of you.

If the answer is no: Don't feel bad, not everyone is capable of handling a relationship with a person with a serious mental illness. Hopefully, you will be able to handle that in a sensitive, honest, and responsible way - if that is your choice.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness. s/bipolar-disorder/ tml
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replied January 21st, 2009
I think what he's said is a good piece of advice, very well put. The only thing I want to ad is that if he is violent and you want to leave him, you may want to have a third party with you at all times for saftey measures.

I have seen people suffering with bi-polar turn violent and homicidal at the drop of the hat. Granted, it's less of a concern if he is medicated and will actually take the drugs regularly.

I wish you luck.
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replied January 22nd, 2009
The medication side effects you mention are very common. Maybe one of the most common ones actually. Emotional dulling and overall personality dulling. There may be other medications that would work better for him. But finding them can be a long process (possibly years). Mood stabilizing medications to time to get to beneficial levels in the body usually (months usually) and going on and off them while trying to find the right combo can be drawn out. If he does choose to use medication, yes - it is a lifelong treatment. Though most people who are bipolar tend to stop them once they feel better - and then the symptoms reoccur and the medication must be started again. Bipolar is like a swinging pendulum in a clock for the most part. The more extreme the swing in one direction (mania or hypomania) will be followed by a similar extreme in the other direction (bipolar depression). Medication can lessen the extremes, but stopping it can cause those extremes to return quickly, or even stronger.

As for compromise, it can be a good thing in moderation. Don't forget that you have needs as well and are equally important in the relationship though. Making disagreements non-confrontational may go a long way in helping. Also carefully choosing the times when you discuss important things can be really helpful (but may be difficult depending on how you are). Choosing to save important discussions that may cause conflict for times when he seems more able to handle them can be good, but don't wait too long. Also verbally taking responsibility (by your choice of words) for your own emotions and reactions may help him not feel threatened during a discussion. For example: "When you do xyz, I feel..." or "It hurts me when xyz happens. Instead of saying "You make me feel..." of "You hurt me when you do xyz...". You are still addressing an issue and being honest, but not laying blame or being confrontational. (Learned these in therapy.)Also letting him know that you are doing these things to help the relationship, may help him see them in a better light. Particularly if he is anything like my boyfriend who had a hard time recognizing the difference between a personal attack and a considerate discussion - until we talked about it.

Truthfully, it is impossible to prevent his symptoms from recurring. But you can help by showing him that you care no matter what issues you are dealing with together at the time. And over time, as you do that again and again - he will find more safety,comfort and stability in your relationship. And so will you. It is easy to feel like you are walking on eggshells in this kind of relationship, but I encourage you to make healthier relating a habit instead. It will benefit you both much better.

As for your future hopes together, there are several things you may want to take into consideration. Bipolar is an illness that tends to increase in severity with age, often during 20's and 30's. It is very common for us to become less functional. That can affect working, in particular. Work brings a special kind of stress that we find it hard to manage. This often brings a limited ability to work, even in a chosen field. Many people with bipolar disorder can only work part-time and some not at all. This is a disease that many people receive Social Security disability benefits from the government for. As for family and kids. Keep in mind that this also is a disease that is genetic. That means that if you have children, it is possible that they may develop it or a related mental illness as well. It all depends on your family genetics and his. It is important to mention as well that you should keep in mind this is a SERIOUS mental illness. People with bipolar disorder have a higher suicide rate (about 10%) than the average mentally healthy population (about 1%).

For example, my boyfriend has a HUGE family, his mother was 1 of 8 kid, and each of her brothers and sisters has 3-10 kids. There is a lot of mental illness in both sides of his family, and of the 20 or so people in it I have met, only 2 do not have something.Most of them receive SSI disability. My family is very small, in my mom's family though EVERYONE has mental illness - though except for me, they are all relatively mild and functional (able to work full time and lead productive lives). My dad's family has little mental illness, except he suffered from depression. I on the other hand, am only somewhat functional. I can work, but only part time. Given our family genetics, it is highly likely that if we had a child, they would have a mental illness. That being said, for me personally, I don't believe that my illness should decide for me whether or not I have children. But each couple should make their own informed choices. None of this means that you may not have a bright future together, but you may find that you have to make compromises from what your ideal dream was originally. If you do not suffer from mental illness, your stability can help strengthen and create that bright future together. If you are inclined, I suggest reading an excellent book by Kay Redfield Jamison. "An unquiet mind". She is a very successful clinical psychologist who specializes in treating bipolar disorder at Johns Hopkins University. She is also bipolar. Her story is amazing in its insight and also in what she has accomplished. It may help you get a better understanding 'from the inside' and also help you see some hope as well.

As for anti-social, that is more difficult to give advice on. I have Social Anxiety Disorder and my boyfriend has Avoidant personality disorder. There are many reasons why people can be antisocial, and if it is to the point where it is a disorder there are different ways to handle it, depending on the disorder. Social Anxiety disorder is more common than Avoidant Personality Disorder.There are other social-type disorders, schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal disporder. Avoidants often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected or disliked. Socially Anxious have an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Schizoids have a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, and emotional coldness. And Schizotypals have a need for social isolation, odd behavior and thinking, and often unconventional beliefs.
What may be the most helpful is to find out WHY he is antisocial. How does he feel about it? Does it bother him? Is he lonley becasue of it? Does he feel anious around people? Does he feel they are scrutinizing him? Does he simply not connect with people? If so, does it bother him?
Once you understand better why he is anti-social, then you may better be able to decide how and if you need to help him with this.

good luck and take care Smile
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replied January 28th, 2009
Thanks again. Your reply had brought so much knowledge I should know.I'll find out the book u recommended.

The problems are so hard to be solved. I found out something about him again. He always lies to me. There's actually no reason and necessary for him to lie. I found out and I ask him. He just continues a lie to cover the other lie again. I was struggle. I dare not to tell him because afraid to affect his mood. Let's me story it. We were on the phone. Then he told me he got to help his mother for something then he left and I haven't turn off the phone yet. I don't hear any door sound that he was out of his room. Then I keep heard the sound of gaming. I accidentally hold the phone and it comes out a beep sound, he then realized the phone is not off yet. But then I turn off the phone and he called me back. And he keeps ask me what I heard. And I answered nothing. Then he said his sister tell him that she heard the beep sound of his phone then he just call me up. And he still keeps ask me what I heard and all. Out of sudden he changed the story again. He said his relative come in his room and look at the letters and things I gave him. He said he afraid I get angry for letting people touch our things that's why he told the previous lie. But I know he lied. He was gaming and he afraid me to know because he did promise me that he wont game anymore. I don't mind he games, I told him before, but what for he keeps lie and he doesn't treat lies as something guilt. I find it so hard to communicate with him. He sure has his own reason to turn false into real. I am trying so hard to trust him. Previously he lied a lot and he promised he wont lies anymore. But now it happened again. Maybe there's still a lot of lies he told, just I never know. How can I trust him anymore?

It's hard to continue a relationship with no trust. And I couldn't even express my hard feeling anymore. He keeps blame on me and he wont understand me all is just him him him himself! I talk about my feeling with good tone because afraid would swing his mood, but it doesn't help at all.

The incident is just happened last night. He ate medicine already but don't seem was controlled by medicine. He had gone insane and talking like a psycho. He blamed everyone for his condition. He even blamed god for being unfair that he's a good person and blamed his parents for being fierce to him when he was small. He even said if he died everyone would happy. Suddenly he asked who am I and he said he don't remember me. And he told he was holding a knife right now and he wants to suicide because he can't handle his life anymore. I wonder that he's acting or really because of his sickness. Could it be that serious even he can forget me for a moment? I don't know what to do so I bring out other topics to talk. I asked him whether he wants to out with me tomorrow, but he answered he can't because there is his funeral tomorrow. Then I bring out our memorable memories to talk and I already ignore my own feeling about being lied and I talk to him like we have no problem at all, he then just calm down and went to bed. I knew this incident could happen again. How can I deal with it for the next happening?

My hurts was originate from him. But I can't discuss with him anymore. How can I cope with my own feeling? I've been pressure for the months if continue like that I could have mental problem as well. What to do?
I thought the way to stop all is just breakup. But it can't. I know I love him but love is not all. I try my best to help him but he still hurts me. He doesn't appreciate my existence at all. I make up my mind and I told him to breakup but he threatened me with suicide and said he doesn't wan me to leave him. I wondering why if he really don't wan me to leave but why he still hurts me and lies me?

Thanks for all the tips u gave me. I don't think this relationship will have a bright future. I just hope to solve current situation before go on further.
My relationship is a disaster. Neither leave nor stay is a correct solution. I don't have the strong mind and strength to solve the problem and cope with my mental anymore. What should I do? What should I do? Feeling hopeless.
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replied January 28th, 2009
Don't do this alone
My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation. I looked this up, because it was too important to give off the cuff advice on. Here is what I found. I think that it is good advice and I hope this will help you.

Q: I’ve recently been trying to break up with my boyfriend of about two years. The first few times i did it he didnt take me seriously and the other day i did everything i could to get it through his head. Wouldn’t you know, he’s now threatening to kill himself if I leave him. I have no doubt this is true. Its not right for me to stay with him and let him think that things are gonna work out but its not right for me to have to stay in this situation. I dont know what to do about it. I dont want to hear again that i should get him professional help. It’s not gonna help to stick him in a hospital or counseling where he’ll just have more time to think about it.please someone help me

A: Your boyfriend is using emotional blackmail. You are right. It’s not fair to you to be feeling responsible for his life. And it’s not healthy for him to be so desperate for “love” that he will force someone into playacting it.
I disagree with your conclusion about a hospital. A good hospital program will put him into both group and individual therapy while he is there. Yes, he’ll be thinking about the situation. But he will also be given ways to think about it differently.
Chances are he won’t go for help just because you tell him to. You are only 18. You can’t - and shouldn’t - manage this by yourself. You really need to talk with his parents and ask them to take over. I’m not familiar with the mental health system in the UK. I suggest that you talk to your doctor or a clergy person. They are usually aware of services that can help in situations like this.
I wish you well.

Best wishes.
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