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Bi Polar Love of my Life Left me so instantly

I'll start by saying that I know that this is INCREDIBLY long, I've rewritten this loads for a few different forums but I have so much on my mind and I can't figure a way of rounding off the story and what's on my mind. I have a lot of trouble talking in person about my feelings without breaking down and I haven't even told my closest friends or family about the whole situation. I find it easier to confide in these forums where people understand the emotional and mental situations and have an anonymous and unbias opinion and advice. So I really really appreciate anybody that takes the time to read through the post in any aspect and can offer any advice.

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we're both 22. We've known each other since we were 13 and had always been best friends, really close, sat together in all classes and always talked. But we were never more than friends throughout that time until I left for Uni and came back for the summer after first year, and then we began an incredible relationship where everything worked and instantly close because of our history; she even told me that she loved me on the third day and that she always had but didn't want to ruin our friendship. Our first year together was long distance whilst I was back a Uni and she moved up to be with me after that. Everything was incredible and we were so close and I know she's my soulmate because we just know eachother so well and I don't know anything else but loving her, everything is so hard to explain but I just feel it and can't imagine feeling this way for anyone else.

But she ended our relationship 4 weeks ago in the middle of the night whilst we were in bed in the oddest way. She was lying down texting away on a Blackberry so the key presses were loud and the screen was bright; I was coming down with flu, it was midnight and I'd already been in bed since 9pm straight from work. I asked her if she could not text if she's going to bed because it was making my headache worse, and she flipped out and told me that she didn't want to be with me and went into the other room and slept there. I came down with really bad flu and was pretty much bedridden and whilst I thought about it non-stop and was confused and crushed, I didn't have the energy to try and talk about it. I just ignored it because we were still on speaking terms and she was still looking after me. From that point things seemed to get normal between us at home and she was cuddling up to me and even kissing me occasionally but still making it clear verbally that we weren't together. But she had never been able to talk to me about it up until this point, she'd just get angry and frustrated and tell me to leave her alone because she doesn't want to talk about it, all she let me know was that she needed space to figure things out.
So for the Easter Holiday she decided to go back home from Friday to Wednesday, and I told her to have fun and told myself that I would give her space. But the next night she started texting me till she went to bed and then first thing in the morning she was texting me, then she video called me on FaceTime when she was in the bath. We spoke later that evening but then the day after she began to get cold with me and distancing herself; she stopped texting and when she did the conversations were short and cut by excuses like "My battery is dying" yet she is still on WhatsApp every 10 minutes and stuff like that. But I let her have space. Then she put cryptic statuses on Facebook like "So over it." and "The less I care the happier I am". But then she came back on Wednesday night and she came home and came straight over and cuddled up to me on the sofa and started showing me pictures of her weekends and telling me stories. That night we went to bed and didn't cuddle because she was in a bad mood but throughout the night she came over into my arms and then we talked a little and she told that she missed me all week.

The next day I finally got her to sit down and talk to me about everything. She told me that she still loves me and that she is having a bi polar episode and she is just confused about what she wants and she isn't sure whether she wants a relationship or what and she doesn't know how long it's going to last. Which I have seen since we broke up, her moods have been all over the place, she's been out drinking a lot more for no reason at all then crying and talking about wanting to kill herself. And she's had episodes before, first time was when I first moved back to Uni when we'd been together for 3 months. She would just cut me off and not answer calls, then be crying and talking about killing herself and it went on for a month and then she told me one day she was just randomly coming to see me (which I think was when she was trying to break up with me). This was sporadic throughout our long distance relationship, then there was the episode when she first moved in with me because she was missing her family. She also used to suffer badly with it before I went to Uni (from what she said) up to the point where we got back in contact, but told me that she was told what she had by a doctor and prescribed drugs that she declined. But this episode isn't as bad as the other, she's still talking about killing herself occasionally and just states where she's irritable, completely miserable or really excited. I don't know a lot about bi polar disorder but from what she's told me and things I've looked up, I try my best to be there for her and slowly I always seem to help settle her mood for a brief time. She told me that she didn't want me to wait for her because she didn't know how long she'd feel like this for, but I told her that I wouldn't be able to help but wait because I love her so much and there won't be anyone the way I love her, and if I had to there may be other people but I couldn't feel the same love I feel for anyone else that I have for her. She broke down into tears in my arms saying that she felt bad and I reassured that it isn't her fault how she feels and that atleast she was honest; I just need to know what I can do to help and work it out because I love her. But she said she doesn't know and she is confused and went in to the bedroom crying. But then I went to see her and make her feel better and we went to bed cuddling.I was still a little confused at this point because she's had episodes before and I don't understand if she loves me and I love her why we can't work it out. Which leads me on to my paranoia that there is someone else. She's always texting but she has a lot of friends and I've always got that, and she does get one with men better and has a lot of male friends because she works in a sales job, and I understand that she's flirty always has been since school and I have always been. But she texts a lot and she gets very secretive when she texts and the times I've managed to peek over I've seen this guys name "Sham" from work, she seems to be texting him a lot. Also she started becoming close friends with this girl from work and they were texting a lot and going out for drink. There was this time about a week after we broke up when she went and stayed over at her friends but the next day I asked her where the hair brush was and she told me in her bag that she took over and I go to get it and find sexy lingerie. She was on her period at the time but it just didn't make sense why she had that to take to her friends, and I couldn't help but ask but I tried to be genuine and not interrogate her just let her know that it's odd that I saw that. She got angry which is fair but I wasn't snooping and told me it was just there because she didn't know what was in that bag; though I dont know why that'd be in there at all because we never travelled anywhere where we needed it. But either way I have also asked her if there is anyone else specifically this guy because I've seen her texting him a lot and she said there wasn't and that she doesn't want another relationship. Again we went to bed and cuddled all night, and we talked a little and she told me if she ever wanted to be back in a relationship then it would be with me.

As you tell by this stage I'm losing it because I'm nearly 4 weeks in and I've gotten a bit more closure but it doesn't make sense because we still loved eachother and it sounds like the issue is something that can be fixed. On Friday she was awake at 6am with a kidney infection and I helped her get back to sleep before I went to work and when I came back she was in a very irritable mood but we spent a little time together, but the whole time she was texting away even though I'd just gotten in. So I asked her if she was texting him again, which caused an argument with her saying "What does it matter we're not together" and then she stormed off to the doctors. She returned and agreed to talk with me and I got the same explanation but this time I was told that that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and that the relationship hasn't been the same since. Which I can agree that since I graduated and got promoted at work I am working all the time, and I'm tired when I get in so sometimes I do just crash in front of the TV and times where I tried to spend with her she is in the middle of something like watching one of her programs and she says I'm interrupting. Problem was that I was barely there and she always was, so when I'm busy she's not and when I get free time I just like to relax between not working or going to the gym. But at the same time we weren't distant all of the time, there would be a few evenings where we were and then others where we had quality time and we occasionally went out and I made the effort for special occasions, we'd always text and when she'd go back to London she always missed me. There was never a moment where she seemed out of love everything is just so sudden. Again I asked her about someone else just because I can't put a reason to any of this because following what she says is just so sudden and I don't understand why we can't work it out. But again I get the same responses. She wanted to nap because she was in pain due to her water infection again so I let her and went and saw my friends who were up from London, then I get a text a few hours later if I wanted to come to the club with her and her friend (who is pretty much mutual) and I said if she wanted me to and then when I told her my friends didn't want to come she told me that it'd be awkward. So again I just let her go out and told her to have fun. When I come back shes all dressed up looking incredible and she's just leaving with her friend. But whilst she went out I did the stupidest thing and I feel so awful for doing it and it's really wrong but I had a few beers at the time and couldn't help myself at all. I used her laptop which has no password and went on her Facebook messages and there was just a message from the same time she left that just wasn't right and it just brings me back to the same conclusion I had with the texting. But this was even more secretive and confusing. It was from a guy called "Aman" who is again from work and you check the profile, my girlfriend and him aren't even friends on Facebook and they have one mutual friend; the guy she's been texting all the time. Then the messages don't add up either, the first one was from him saying;"Hey it's me, you still awake and alone ? My texts and whats app ain't work x"Which makes me think that "Hey it's me" is saying that it's the guy she's been texting and given that she doesn't have the guy from the messages on Facebook and they share one friend in common and also he has the exact same profile picture as the guy she's been texting. Also again not to throw judgement but in a normal situation this guy is just another guy from work that I wouldn't worry about and trust her over. It doesn't make any sense otherwise. Then she messages back;"I'm on my way out to the Skydome, don't worry I'm not drinking x"Which is as if she's confirming to him not to worry, it's the kind of thing she used to say to me. Again this makes no sense given the it says she is messaging. But then it gets worse, he replies with;"Wait come home with me and get your uniform"Which says a million things to me. Like it could mean come back to mine after and get the uniform you left here (which I dont think is the case because she has two set of uniform which are both here). Or it could mean (which I only found out this morning when she came home) to pick up her new t shirt uniform for the sale because this guy she texts is a team leader at her job. That or it's meant to mean come home with me and bring your uniform. Either way its not the uniform that bothers me, it's the whole come home with me thing. It makes it so clear that there's no way it could be the guy she's actually messaging on Facebook but the guy she's texting. And overall it feels like this confirms what I was thinking. The rest of the messages were just about him coming out to the club as well. I know I'm an absolute id**t for even doing this, not only is it tormenting me it's so invasive to her and I'll never ever be able to question it because it breaks the trust and will push her away for good. But I just don't really understand and I just want the clarity. Then finally she came home this morning at 8:30am and I woke up, I didn't sleep well naturally because part of me was paranoid when she wasn't back after 4am when all the clubs were closed and also because I was genuinely just worried because she went out with one friend who lives on a different side of town, so I was concerned with her getting back alone so late. But at the same time I couldn't bring myself to text her because I didn't want to look insecure and get in the way of her night out, so I let her be and have the space and enjoy herself. She came back and talked to her about how her night was rather than heading into a concrete wall with the interrogation questions and she seemed so happy again and she clearly hadn't been drinking (Which she couldn't really because she's on tablets for her water infection) and she explained that she was out in the club and once that closed she and her friend went to the casino next door which I've been to and know is open till 6am then she said she went back to her friends for a bit. Which is impossible to question without sound like an absolute id**t and pushing her away. So I said nothing at all and just made sure she had a good time and asked her about her night like always, plus it wasn't like I was going back to bed since she keeps to bedroom light on to get ready for work in the mirror like always so we just talk. Then she left for work and kissed me on the lips and I asked her what that was for? and she said "Because I love you". That morning I did somethng even more stupid and went on her emals because I found that they were still logged in on my laptop and I don't know what I was looking for but what I saw hurt. She had emailed herself a picture from that night with that guy that she's been texting and they were stood up cuddling, again to over analyse it she looks like she's leaning out of it and she doesn't have her arms around him. In my mind I know it could be nothing just friendly but then if it meant to nothing why would she go out of her way to email it from her phone to herself, and everything just adds up because it's always this guy in everything that I find out. Like if this was a picture with any other guy then I wouldn't even second guess it but it's him and it just goes with everything else that drives me nuts.

Then finally this weekend she has gone home again for a couple of days for a job interview and I wanted to leave her alone just because I've been on her case a little much for answers so I wasn't going to text her so I went back home too to hang out with my guys and watch the big wrestling event; but again she texted me throughout the evening a few times and each time I talked to her by tried not to be over the top and try and hold a conversation all the time, but she was asking me stuff about my interests and not stuff that she was particularly interested in. The next day she tweeted me something interesting she read about bi-polar and it felt like she wanted me to know because she wants my help, so I bought her a six pack of 7 Up just as a cute gift for when she gets back. Then later on I text her just to say good luck with her interview and she got back to me saying she never went because she went to the hospital with her Nan for important results, and I asked if they were both ok and she just shut me out again. So I've given her some more space.

Now it has gotten worse. She came back midweek and again we were instantly close and played Scrabble all night and when we went to bed I went to sleep on my side alone but she asked me to cuddle and it was really intimate and she was holding my penis and everything, we slept all night that way. The next day when I came home from work she was going out with her friends and again I gave her the room to breath and was supportive about it and left her to it and we were chatting before and again she kissed me before she left as if I was her boyfriend. I asked her why and she seemed really confused and said she didn't know. She came back to bed with me at 2am and laid with me again touching me intimately and we went to sleep. Again I went to work the next morning and we didn't talk all day until I was on my way home when she told me she was staying over at her friends (same one from earlier in the story) and also put in the text "...You didn't say bye to me this morning Sad..." which just gives me that hope that she still cares and wants me. But since she went to her friends she hasn't been home and this is the second night but this time she hasn't even explained it to me, I haven't heard from her and I don't even think she's been home. I've wanted to text her to see if she's ok and coming home but I don't want to bother her, I want her to have space but at the same time I don't want the space to cause me to lose her, I don't want her to see it as I don't care and give up on me. But I can't help but think she's staying with this guy, I mean usually she's on WhatsApp all day but now she's on every couple of hours which makes me think when she was always on she was texting him but now she's with him she doesn;t need to.

I'm falling apart over this I'm thinking about it all day and I'm in too minds over what to do. I just don't understand at all how any of this could happen after everything. Part of me sees that she is having an episode because I can see her going through mania and then depression and I have read so much that makes me see that she could be shutting me out and that she wants out of the relationship because he thoughts of the future are hazy and she has all these new ideas of what she thinks she wants. I feel sometimes like she is forcing herself away from me when she's gone and trying to move past me. Because when she is here she seems to want to be with me the same way as usual. I could even see how she has moved onto someone new as much as it kills me, because when she's going through mania she could want something new and being attaching herself to the attention he gives her. But out of all of this I just don't understand how this episode I've been shut out when before I was always the one that seemed to calm her.

It's just all so sudden, we were fine in February and we had a great valentines day and she was even telling me she wanted to marry me then. But come March it dropped and I've seen her web history (which I hate to admit) and at the start of March she started searching about bi polar and suicide, even help websites. I can see it in our texts where we broke down and I admit I didn't help because I was busy, booked to wrestle on two shows on the first two weekends of March and training in the gym for it. I just don't know what to do because through reading I know that I need to give her space and let her live and come to her own decisions but I'm scared that space might push her away. I don't want to be on her case all the time but I want her back badly, I always thought I was different and I don't want to end up another ex. It kills me thinking that I won't marry her or have my kids with her, and I worry because if after all we've been through I'm not the one for her then who could be.

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First Helper Burr1013

replied April 13th, 2013
Open your eyes buddy
Dear Dan,
The young lady living in your home is using you. She more than likely is having an affair with the man she is texting. You are walking on egg shells, trying everything under the sun to cope with her behavior. Dan, you are losing yourself and doing things you would never do. ie. snoping in her laptop. I understand why and am not trying to condemn your behavior, but when trust is lost, your relationship is crippled. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to give your partner "space". You should never be afraid to text them or phone them to see if they are okay. In a healthy relationship, she wouldn't feel the need to be on her blackberry 24/7. She would want to be with you. Then the big one, "she talks about suicide". Dan, this girl is suffering from mental illness. Is this who you want to spend your life with? If you were my friend, I would tell you that as much as it hurts, to end this and end it now. Bipolar disorder is hereditary and gets worse with age. The divorce rate is over 90%. You are a young, educated man. The girl is a huge risk. She treats you like a douche and you allow it. Kick her to the curb. It will be painful at first, but keep busy and you'll be fine. Love doesn't hurt. Love isn't secretive. You've got to stop obsessing over her and get on with your life. Please take my advice to heart. Listen to your gut buddy. It is telling you this is all bad. You are treating this more like a competition and you don't want to lose. You didn't. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your selfish girlfriend and her using you as a doormat. Bipolar or not, she is a self-centered, lying little girl.
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replied September 9th, 2013
Hello, I was with my girlfriend for 4 years she left me a lot for other men. I was always crushed but always fought for her cause I love her things were odd because she told me she loved me but when there was attention of someone shed jump to it. She stopped doing that. But started leaving me for a few weeks cause she didn't know what she wanted but she loved me and planned her life with me. This time she's gone with no reason at all. And been gone for longer than ever. She'd always come back but this time I'm not sure she's put me through so much but I love her and I miss her and have no idea what to do
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replied September 29th, 2013
Dan, I'm about 6 weeks into a break-up with my ex, she is 21 and was diagnosed with BP in March. My story is fairly similar to yours. I was with my ex for nearly 3 years, we had a great connection and I know we both love each other still, but things have changed. This summer my ex moved home for a job and that's where we went south. She became a server at a high-pace restaurant and immediately began neglecting me. She use to call every day, text me alll the time, tell me she loved me and was happy she found "love". She started going out and drinking, which she never did, told me I stressed her out, that trying to please someone else was too much at this point in her life; told me that she couldn't be in a relationship anymore and needed to figure her life out. Exactly like your ex, her mind is a room of fog. Her personality has changed and she has become wild so to speak. Between her mania and depression it's clear she's having a serious episode of BP. She told me last week she can't deal with her mania right now, that she just does impulsive things she never did when we were together. She's just not the girl I love and she felt guilty that she couldn't provide 100% feelings/emotions/support for me like I could for her; so she brok eit off.

I miss her alot, I really do, but right now there is NOTHING I can do. We remain friends, we have coffee every few weeks and she sends me messages/texts now and then but for the most part we stoppped talking. It sucks when you fall in love with someone who has the ability to change on a dime. Love is tough and being in a relationship with someone who is BP really complicates things. They ask for space because they do get confused, they second guess their emotions despite knowing deep down what they want, which I assure you is you. The guilt that she suffers is likely what is causing all this, that how it is right now with my ex. We talked last week and she reiterated that she loved me but couldn't be in a relationship, that I did everything right, it's just that she needs to find herself. It;s heartbreaking

My best advice is to move forward, not necessarily on. If you love her, do your best to better your life right now and give her the time and space she needs to figure it out. I once told my ex I wanted to spend my life with her ( she told me I was the "one" and asked me to move in with her next summer), and I still do, but the future is completely unknown right now. Stay in touch with your ex but focus on yourself. People who have BP get selfish, and this is what both our Exs are doing right now. Your ex might be crushing on another guy, my ex assures me she never cheated on me even though her BFFs told me otherwise. Trust is a HUGE factor in a relationship, it's a tether that is tough to repair if it breaks. Just stay busy, hang out with friends, go to a bar and meet new people. If it's meant to be with your ex, you guys will find a way back into each others lives when you are both happy, ready, and willing to find love again. I wish this with my ex but I'm still moving forward, I only this weekend made myself available to other women; started chatting to new ladies and seeing if sparks fly. The important thing is to not look for anything, just let it come to you, whether it's your ex or someone new, don't force anything that doesn't feel proper. You will get past this in time, it's hard to understand everything right now, but these situations have a good way of working themselves out for the better in time. Just remember that your first priority should be you at this point; she walked out of your life so maybe you need to reinvent yourself, find things that you enjoy and make you desirable. The right women will come along, fear not, time heals wounds and sometimes when you let go of something it does find it's way back to you. Goodluck friend
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