I'm trying not to come off as stupid but i dont know much about this stuff.
I was diagnosed with bi-polar when i was 13, i'm now 19. When i was 15 my violent mood swings started back then though they werent very frequent happening only maybe once every couple months...but they were dangerous. I never touched anyone else..but i did take an ax to my living room..destroyed my bedroom and beat up the cop who tried to arrest me. But ask me for any details other then what my family who witnessed it told me and i cant tell you anything. I dont remember. My sister tells me the day the took the ax to the living room i scared her...and for a brief moment i begged her to call the cops...but she wouldnt so i did..then i lost the controll i had taken back.
anyways. Now i'm 19. when i was 18 somethign happened over the summer. It was bad enough to my mind that i felt the need to defend myself. And so I'd let my mood swings come through. That was my first mistake. Not holding back my anger. then it got out of my controll..and thats when i started getting paranoid. I feel watched strong enough that sometimes i'll scream, and the tapping on the cupboards and other objects... and then theres the voice, calls herself Danielle. Says I shouldnt take my husbands s***, and that he needs to be controlled. he f***** up once he'll do it again things like that, I have no choice but to do what she says though cause i cant fight it its like her words are law.
I get so violent, my husband never does anything to deserve what i do to him during these mood swings...course i dont really remember them. I guess its cause i just dont want to remember what i did..i hate seeing him hurting because of me.
can my bi-polar really be this bad or is it something else? I refuse to google this stuff because i dont want to find something and jump ahead of myself and end up saying "i must have that cause it fits.." its a bad habit of mine..
I dont have money to get help...and i'm not on meds. I'm honestly not sure whats going on or how to controll it. My husband says its all about willpower, but i cant do it. Its been about 2 weeks since my last bad mood swing, i know it wont be to much longer till it breaks, i can feel it in the back of my mind as i type. Almost like i shouldnt even be asking this.
truth is i'm not sure if i want help. thats whats confusing to me
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