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bf's behavior due to bipolar? or just not into me?

hey all,

My bipolar boyfriend and I just broke up. we dated for 5 months. he recently told me he was diagnosed with bipolar right before we broke up. we had a very rocky relationship and he had very hot/ cold behavior towards me. but i am wondering if all of his behavior is because of his bipolar or is he really just not into me? can I excuse all of these behaviors or should I walk away for good? here's a summary:

During the first month everything was AMAZING. He wanted to see me all of the time (3-4 times a week), we talked everyday, he was happy/ excited, obsessed with me, falling madly in love with me, etc. Everything i ever wanted.

During the second month everything went downhill. All of the sudden he only wanted to see me no more than once a week (even though he was unemployed and no school), and the communication was less. He never answered his phone and would only talk to me once every 2-3 days. He controlled everything in the relationship: how often and when we talked, how often and when we see each other, etc. I started to get insecure and frustrated. He would get mad at me saying I was too insecure.

During the the third month everything got REALLY bad.
He started to be verbally abusive with me. He made fun of me, criticized me, talked about his ex girlfriends a lot. i was in the hospital for a few days due to a bad accident and he didn't even care. then he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me. but then after a few days he said he DID want to be with me. then all of the sudden he didn't want to be with me. I ended it because i couldn't take the abuse and hot/cold behhavior. and then he BEGGED for me back. so we got back together. one day later he broke up with me again! then after a week of not talking we got back together. he said he had issues he was trying to work out with his therapist, and that for some reason things in his head felt different.

During the 4th month everything went great again. he was actually nice to me, he called more often. after 2-3 weeks of everything going good he disappeared for an entire week. said he was in the hospital but wouldnt tell me why. he refused to speak to me and yet he went out with friends. then he said he was only in the hospital for a day and it was nothing serious, yet he ignored me for an entire week?

Then, during the 5th month everything was amazing again. he said "I love you", he said "I want to be with you forever", he said "wouldn't it be nice to live togteher?", he said "im going to be your dad's future son-in laww". All this lovey-dovey stuff. then ALL OF THE SUDDEN once again, out of noweher he said "I have mixed feelings for you". He denied saying "I love you". I got upset. And he got mad that I was upset! Then he told me about his recent bipolar diagnosis and he would start medication in 2 weeks. so I wanted to hang in there and see what he's like on medication. but he broke up with me because "I was being too annoying calling and texting". It's like if we talk everyday he says he feels smothered. I am NOT the clingy/ needy type, though!!!

so my question is, what do i do? its been 8 days since we spoke. is it really over or will he come back? if he does come back, should i even take him back? is all this behavior due to the disorder? will medication make him "normal" again? is all this bad behavior excusable? or should i just move on?

I have been one amazing girlfirend to this man. I have stuck by him, I am understanding and tried my best. but what about my needs? ugh and after all of this he says I'M the one who needs therapy!!! I have cried so much over him. and he always gets his way in the relationship.

Is he going to see what he lost? Sad
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First Helper kitty847
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replied October 16th, 2011
Experienced User
the best thing i can say is. i am in a similar situation and i personally dont think it will get better. as long as hes not taking his meds right which it sounds like he doesnt he will be like this. and i am betting he has known about being bipolar for awhile and is just choosing to take his meds whenever. i am hoping in a way its the meds because as i said i am in a similar situation and i would hate to think its because of me and not him missing his meds
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replied October 16th, 2011
i think you should get out now. 5 months isnt a very long time.. if he started treating you bad in the 2nd month, it isnt worth it. my bipolar exbf treated me like gold for 2 years before he put me through a year of hell... i'm sorry to say it probably only get worse from here. there are many other people out there. don't keep waiting for it to get better and turn around on its own, because all you are going to do is hurt yourself.
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replied October 16th, 2011
Thank you both.

Well, when we last spoke (2-3 weeks ago now) he said his diagnosis was recent and he didn't start the medication yet but he will. So I was hoping that maybe when he starts the medication he will be close to "normal" and he would go back to that loving man he was in the first month of dating.

However, I do feel maybe i should move on. I have been reading threads on this message board and it is UNBELIEVABLE how similar my story is to other's. And from what I read, sometimes they do not go back to "normal" when on medication. I do not think I can handle frequent break ups, ups and downs, all the stress. I am 25 years old and I am hoping to have a good, solid, healthy relationship that will lead to marriage and kids. and the divorce rates are 90% with a bipolar partner???

So maybe I shouldn't bother. i still love him but I am moving on and talking to other men. and I don't think he's coming back this time because it's been 2-3 weeks now.

I am just so devastated. I have been with him thru thick and thin. Accepted him. Put up with a lot. Stood by his side. Was understanding. Gave him a million chances. Sacrificed for him. Loved him. And he dumps me because I texted him 10 times in a day? That was the worst behavior I have ever done to him: text or call him 5-10x a day because he goes missing for days and I want answers. So my bad behavior is at least understandable. and yet I have put up with mental and verbal abuse from him and thats ok??

His loss.
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replied October 16th, 2011
Your feelings and thoughts in the last paragraph sound EXACTLY the same as mine. I believe the worst behavior I have had over the past year is caring too much. I too stuck by him, gave him a million chances, did everything for him, etc. It was never enough no matter how hard I tried. It is amazing how everyone's stories are so similar..

I am still very much in love with my ex. Its only been about 2 weeks since we've broke up. Its normal. But I had a moment of clarity after he lashed out at me about a week ago. I did not want to live the rest of my life in fear and being unstable. I realized I am 21 years old and I have a lot going for me and any guy would be lucky to have me.

I know you and your bf had great times, but is it really worth the pain? Theres so many men out there that you can have great times with without all the pain.
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replied October 16th, 2011
Caitlin,

You and this forum have helped me so much. I know I'm not the only one, and I know I really was a good girlfriend and it is him with the problem. well, I am not perfect but I really did care and tried my best. It's just so frustrating that he can't see it? What does he want from me? He just wants to come and go as he pleases and I am just supposed to sit there and smile? I also wish he had better insight.

My needs were not being met. I (and you, and all of us) need someone who will love us 100% of the time. I can be an emotional and fragile person, so he would just stress me out and make me depressed. I also can't live with the fear. will he love me tomorrow or leave me tomorrow? and then theres the fear of cheating. My ex has not cheated on me (at least not that I know of) but I also don't want to live in fear that he will cheat (it seems to be common amoung BPs).

I think maybe now I don't fully see it. But when I get a new boyfriend sometime and he actually calls everyday, actually cares, loves me 100% of the time, and is nice to me, I'll be loving it and realize that my ex was no good for me. (thats not to say BP people are evil and don't deserve love, but it's just something I can't handle).

and someone always does come along. I'm on a dating website and talking to 2 cute guys, so I have some hope.

time heals all wounds. we'll be fine
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replied October 16th, 2011
Experienced User
yeah i am in a similar situation. i was friends with him for 3 years before i dated him and i tried to go back to being just friends but i think i am going to move on from his friendship because even being friends with him is toxic right now. maybe in 5 years or 10 years we will meet up but for now i am moving on. i deserve a guy who wont make me feel bad for calling him everyday and asking him questions about his day. it will hurt because i still remember the sweet guy he was 3 years ago but that guy is long gone i have come to realise and he was also destroying my family relationships too
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replied October 19th, 2011
I feel the exact same as you both. I hope I can find someone who won't mind talking to me everyday and seeing me a few times a week. Its hard to keep my spirits up sometimes, but I just have to remember it was no longer a healthy relationship. Like futuregohangurl, even trying to have a friendship is toxic right now. Hopefully in the future we can be friends.
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replied October 19th, 2011
Experienced User
yeah i talked to him again tonight and he was saying if we cant ever hang out, he is going to end the friendship. its hard for me to do but i know i may have to end the friendship. geeze even friendship with him is a way for him to control me. its still the same as when we were dating, he still controls everything i do. i think i am going to ignore him. all he is doing is creating stress because he always talks about what he wants to talk about and if i want to talk, i am just ignored
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replied October 19th, 2011
exactly. last week, he was trying to contact me to try to get me back. i politely asked for space (still walkin on eggshells even after the breakup), and he blew up. He went into some crazy rant, then a few hours later he told me how much he loved me blahblah.. i ignored it. the other day i texted him to say hi, he replies with: i'm still angry at you. its a good things were not talking because i need space...

of course its ok when he needs space. he just has to "one up me" and control me whenever possible. even just trying to be friends does not work sometimes Sad

we just have to keep on keepin on! were all doing the right thing for our futures, as hard as it may be now.
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replied October 20th, 2011
why do they need so much space?????

My ex felt smothered and needed space all the time, even though we only saw each other once a week and talked once every 2-3 days!!!! And yet he claims that I am the one with the problem; that I am too clingy/ obsessed with him. I don't think me asking for daily communication is obsessive; I think I'm normal!!

He only wants to talk when HE wants to talk. If I call or text him he will not answer 100% of the time.
And he only wanted to see me when HE wanted to see me. And then he also chose the time when we met up, and the time I need to go home. So I always feel "starved" of attention and affection (emotional abuse). Then he turns it all on me saying I'm the one overreacting and I need a life!!

So it's been nearly a month now since he ended it, and nearly 3 weeks of no contact. I still wonder if he will come back. I am tryint to move on though.

Just wish his 'cycle' is going to be over and he will wake up to see what an amazing girl I was. i hope he regrets breaking up with me.

ugh.. just still in pain. still no word from him.. Sad
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replied October 20th, 2011
kitty847... our exes are like twins! you might has well been describing my ex!

i feel the same "starved for attention" feeling that you do. i remember when we were dating i'd get so beyond excited when he would just answer his phone and talk to me for 20 minutes.. seems pretty pathetic now!

as far as your clingy comment... after not seeing my bf for a month while i was away at school, he chose to not visit on his weekend because he wanted to see his friends who live down the street. and i'd be home in 3 weeks anyways so why should he waste his time driving two whole hours to visit. i was being so clingy and obsessive because i was upset by that and somehow the whole situation got turned around so i was the one to blame. its crazy.

i can not even count how many times he asked for space in the past few months. i've never really understood it because i never find myself needing space from people. i just asked for him for space so i wouldn't be tempted to be back with him. i figured he wouldnt be mad since that was his go to excuse, but apparently hes the only one allowed to use it.

i say don't wait around for him. keep trying your best to move on and have fun. i'm usually a homebody, but since i broke up with him i've been trying to go out most every night to meet new people and to be around my friends. if i find myself wanting to contact him, i just come here and read and post a few things and it usually makes me feel better.

i can almost guarantee he will regret breaking up with you. just let him date a girl who won't be so patient and so kind when he lashes out. then they'll realize what they lost. hopefully were strong enough to say no when they come back around!
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replied October 21st, 2011
caitlin,

I would also get super excited when my ex would call, because rarely do we talk! and my friends think its weird how excited I get because he called. Their boyfriends call and want to see them all the time, but with my ex it was such a hassle trying to get him on the phone and to see me. It does seem pathetic.. I mean calling and seeing each other should be kinda routine and expected, not a once-in-a-while rare event. And after 5 months I always found myself still so nervous around him because I don't know what to expect. He started to also become very unreliable and cancel plans on me too.
Thats not fair to us, we need to feel comfortable, safe, and secure in a relationship! We need to feel that our partners will be there for us!

and you are not clingy either, if you don't see your boyfriend in a long time of course you are going to be upset!

I also never needed so much space from people. I am not the tpe to see my boyfriend everyday because I do have hobbies, friends, need alone time, etc. so *some* space is OK. But to only see me once a week or less? To only talk to me once every 2-3 days for only 10 minutes at a time? Noo, thats wayyy too much space! I need to feel like i am in a relationship, not some distant acquantaince or casual friend.

I too want to contact him. But I can't. After all the emotional and psychological abuse? After all the pushing away? After him telling me to stop contacting him and give him his space? OK, well then he will get what he asked for. I'm tired of chasing him. I kinda do want him back, ONLY because he should be on medication now. So I'll give it maybe another chance. Or maybe I shouldn't? who knows if he will even come back.

for now I am moving on, getting out there, and on an online dating site. one day at a time. and hopefully in a month or so I'll be over him and wont look back.
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replied October 23rd, 2011
i've talked to him a few times, but all the conversations have been very self-centered. i had a hard time this week, because he has been posting pictures of himself on facebook doing all the things he was "too exhuasted" or "too broke" to do with me. some days it seems like he cares, others hes completly moved on and doesnt need me. as bad as it sounds, i want to be completly moved on before he moves on. he put me through so much pain, i want him to feel a fraction of what i did. it doesnt seem like it'll shape out to be that way though. at times i want to try to work things out, but hes not at the place where he cares about us yet and it would just go back to being horrible again. i hope in a months time i will be in a better place. i tried to go on a date but all i thought about was him the whole time :/
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replied October 27th, 2011
caitlin,

so I posted another thread a few days ago, titled "can a person with bipolar please answer my questions" or something and bascically one person responded to my situation saying my ex never loved me and his "love" was just the mania and his cold feelings towards me were the real feelings! ouch.

now im just... annoyed. ugh even if he never loved me and it was just the mania high, you would think he would at least apologize? no. just forget it all. just too much confusion, too much drama. i am doing my best to move on. even went on a date last night.

I still havn;t heard from him. but it's his loss. everyday I get stronger. everyday i get over him more and more. im not even reading up on bipolar anymore, lately i've just been on dating sites and focusing on moving on with my life. i need to respect myself and love myself and that means moving on from him.

i don't even have the urge to call or text him anymore. i havn't spoken to him in a month now? whatever. in a few weeks ill be completely over him.

my ex is blocked on facebook and i took him out of my phonebook. i am really just focused on myself right now and it has helped a lot. I have been looking really hard for a better job, I have been hanging out with friends, i have bought new clothes and a new phone, etc. just keeping busy helps. and talking. all the research I have done and writing and talking about it helps me to get it all out of my system. I know i will get over him soon as I have gotten over other ex's in time.

and then me (and you) will find someone without this illness who will love us and treat us with respect. and we won't look back.

so for now, let's keep busy, keep reminding ourselves of all the bad from the relationship, and keep going on dates with other guys.
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replied October 27th, 2011
Experienced User
I saw the reply someone posted to you....don't take it to heart. They may be struggling with bipolar themselves. What you asked and what's hurt you IS very valid....it IS what most of us have dealt with and been so hurt by. I don't know the answers to the questions you asked. Regardless, though, it's just not OK to be treated that way for simply loving someone. Try to rebuild that sense of yourself and your value, and then do your best to move forward. It's hard....no one can deny that. But in the long run, it's better than living a life like what you and I and many others have lived.
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replied October 28th, 2011
thank you again n2kismet.

the more i read my original post, the more like a fool i feel. i loved this man but clearly he didn't treat me right, and i really should move on. i just had optimism and kept thinkin he would get better (he has already been in therapy for years). plus, he attributed his bad behavior to a personal medical condition he was going through, so i kept thinking maybe he was just going through a rough time and was moody because of it.

as much as he made me cry and treated me bad, i can't exactly hate him because he is bipolar. i just need to find someone who will appreciate me. and now it's been a month since we spoke/ broke up. i NEVER once called him or texted him or anything. i am letting him be if thats what he wants.

thank you again Smile
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replied October 31st, 2011
Hi everyone. I am not glad to be here, but here I am. Trying to walk away from a four year relationship with a bipolar male. It is very difficult as you all know. I didn't see the signs at first. He has never come out that he is bipolar, but I suspect he knows. He claims to have mild depression after the death of his father. He treats me terribly with the silent treatment and missing for days on end only to come back like nothing ever happened, twisting my words,and reckless behaviors. I guess I am partly to blame because I allow it. Not that I deserve his actions, but because I don't like to fight and I watch EVERY word that comes out of my mouth. Recently he has made comments about wanting other woman and when I was over his house, he had cleaned out a spare room and closet. I am wondering if has a dual life and is preparing for another woman to move in with him. I don't know. I wisely choose not to sell my house and live with him like he wanted. He has kicked me out of his bed many times because he was put off by something I said earlier in the day. Who does these things? I am a very kind, loving woman. My friends are at their wits end listening to my awful stories. They have told me for over a year now that he is not worth my time and that I should move one. Why can't I get it through my thick head? The first year was wonderful, but it has never been the same and rationally I know it is never going to be. He will walk away from me forever one day, so why can't I just cut to the chase and get on with my life.
Sorry for the long post. I didn't mean to be so dramatic. I am just hurting.
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replied November 2nd, 2011
I completely understand. Your stories sound so much like mine and everyone else's on the forum. My best advice to you is to walk away unless he decides ON HIS OWN to receive treatment. I had 2 great years for my ex and I suffered for a year, and I finally decided I had to move on. Its the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was also the best thing I have ever done. There are many people who can treat you well without all the strings attached. Good luck
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