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i'm 21. i started dating a guy (he's 25) about a year and a half ago and we "broke up" about six months ago but continued to spend everyday together (and have not seen other people except for one night he had drunken casual sex with one other girl - very hurtful to me, by the way, but trying to forgive him...) at times he acts like he's my boyfriend and refers to me to others as his gf and other times when it's convenient for him, he doesn't and reminds me that "we're not even together anymore!" or if i make him mad, "see, this is why i broke up with you!"
well, i'm two months pregnant now and he is trying to basically force me to have an abortion. i AM pro-choice, but personally don't want to have an abortion. i am not THAT young, i am emotionally mature, i am almost done with an associates degree (i know, it's not much, but better than nothing.) and i work part-time but i think i could easily find a full-time position.
he works odd jobs occasionally. i'd say he pulls in about 400 a month. i make about 600 a month, but like i said, could find a job with more hours. obviously, this isn't enough money to support ourselves, much less a child. we both still live with our parents. my parents are very poor though, and we might be getting evicted soon and being homeless with a baby would be pretty awful. i have some friends that would be willing to help, but that's uncertain and i would like a stable environment, of course.
he says he's not ready for a kid and isn't willing to look for a better job and feels like he has nothing to offer a child and therefore doesn't feel it is a responsible decision to bring a child into the world at this time. but i don't think it is a responsible decision to KILL a child, when i know that, somehow, i could manage.
now things get more complicated. like i said, we are technically broken up. he says if i choose to keep the baby he will "hate me forever" because it would be against his will. i said "well, i will hate myself forever if i do it, because i would feel too guilty." he said if i did get the abortion he would be there for me to help me emotionally, and even implied that we could get back together (he knows i'm dyyyying for this, because i love him with all my heart and want nothing more than to spend my life with him. he also hints that if i have this abortion now, that in the future he would consider a child once we're more stable, or have a healthier relationship. we do fight A LOT, but i think we're just overly emotional because of everything going on.) so he's kinda making me choose between keeping him and keeping the baby. but i feel like if he really loved me, he would be willing to make some sacrifices to support our baby. HE says that he does love me, and that he looking out for everyone's best interests - his, mine, and the baby (because apparently he thinks it would have a horrible life under my care...)
i really cherish our relationship, but am afraid he'd leave me whether i had an abortion or not, and then afterwards would feel guilty about, seeing as the only reason i want to have the abortion at all is to please him in hopes of keeping him in my life. (this seems illogical, right, i want an abortion if my man stays, and i want to keep the baby if he's leaving anyway. but do you understand my reasoning?)
basically if i chose to keep it, i would be on my own from the start to the finish with VERY little help. i have a lousy job and no place to stay. maybe my bf is right? i just feel like i COULD be a good mother. i don't know what to do... any comments?
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replied September 24th, 2009
Experienced User
You do what's best for YOU... not him.
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replied October 1st, 2009
girl if you broke up wid him y u lettin him into your pants huh??? shtupedi
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replied October 21st, 2009
Oh my gosh! I am 20 & 2 months pregnant and in THE SAME position as you with regards to the guy. I have been with my ex since I was 17 & even lived with him for 2 years.. we broke up but were still seeing ecah other. People are rude and give nasty comments as they have no idea about the bond & friendship we have/had... I'm sure you feel the same on this.

I am in the same boat with him wanting me to have an abortion and telling me and making me feel exactually the same.

Honey I wish I could be there for you more than just this forum as I know how scary and alone it feels. I'm also driving myself crazy with what to do. But unlike you I am in the middle of my education I have recently been made unemployed due to the financial climate & cutbacks... & am desperatly trying for a job. So feel totally helpless.

One day I feel its not fair for my child to be born into such an unstable enviroment.. with no money, I have no family support at all & live with & care for my elderly grandmother, am in the middle of education... All I want is whats best for my baby- I cant even think about me.

Other days I feel so easily manipulated by my ex & some nasty, controlling people. I know I will be a fantastic mother, I love my child more than anything & will fight to make things work, also there is no assurance that I will ever be financially stable but also that I will be poor forever.

I hope that you havnt gone through with the abortion- without looking at things for lots of angles. I feel the same I don't fully trust what my ex says, so listen to your gut, its a warning. I know its hard, but I just try to keep telling myself 'why allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.'

Be honest to yourself could you live with yourself after an abortion? How are you going to feel when you wake up after the abortion?... & a year later? Have you thought about adoption. Have you looked into benefits that you'll be entitled to with a child? I'm in England so not sure where you are and if its different? Write a list or do a mind map... of what you want your life to be like in 5 years time.... all you want to achieve and do so pretending your not pregnant... then do another with all the same things you want but imagine a 4-5year old in your life, could you work around that to achieve all you want in life? Which one are YOU more happy in?

Remember life is NOT filled with ANY Certainties or guarantees all we can do is do what feel right emotionally and logically, and always strive & fight to do what is best.

I hope this is of some help no matter how small. Sorry it is rather an essay.

Sending my thoughts and hug to you wherever you are. If you wish to talk more and in private please let me know.
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replied October 26th, 2009
Experienced User
My advice is to keep your baby! Your instinct is dead on. No matter what you decide to do, he'll obviously discard you whenever it suits him and YOU will be the one living with the guilt and grief. His promises to stick by you and support you (but only if you do things HIS way) are just a tactic to manipulate you. He knows full well that once you have an abortion, it can't be undone and he gets to walk away free of responsibility.

Even if you give him his way, he'd probably throw it up in your face later as if it were your own idea. "You killed our child" would almost certainly come up in your next big fight. You seem like you have a lot going for you, so don't be one of those dishrag women who throws everything away just because an abusive man wants to be a controlling bully.

I know you're not going to want to hear this, but you're going to have to dump him if you ever want to have a good, peaceful life for you and your child. Once he sees that he can't manipulate you into getting rid of it, he'll use that baby like a baseball bat to bully and control you. There are endless ways to do this, but here are a few examples:

"You want diaper money? Well, why should I support you if you won't even sleep with me?"

"I don't want my child being raised by another man, even though I'm never there. Dump your new boyfriend or I'll sue you for custody."

"How do I even know if it's really mine? After all, we were broke up when you got pregnant. It could be anyone's kid!"

If you're smart, you will cut him loose and not look back. Sure, you'll be broke but you said yourself you'll figure something out. Don't count on him paying any child support, even if the court orders him to. If you stay with him and let him make this decision for you, I promise you will hate yourself until you die, because he WILL leave you anyway.

Best of luck to you no matter what you decide. Remember above all else that it is YOUR body and YOUR decision. If you want this baby, then getting an abortion would be nothing more complex than letting him slaughter your child for his own selfish reasons. If you think it would be better to wait until later to be a mom, then go to the clinic and do what you must. Just please don't think that he's doing anything but bullying and manipulating you.
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