its a long story but I think,,, no..I know, Im finally ready to end this. I have no excuse for myself for staying too long. I suspected he was an Narcassist or bi polar, before I agreed to marry him. Regardless of what it is he was abusive in the past but it wasnt physical except one time. I thought maybe by saying he wanted to marry was his commitment to change for better.

Even though married him, shortly after I developed anxiety chest pains, I did keep my house and didnt fully move in with him. Although I only live two blocks from his house. Been married a yr and half but have dated or whatever you call it for 10 yrs. when he said we were Not in a relationship, we did more things together and had more fun. Except for the fact he cheated and lied.. since married, he has not cheated but its like he puts on an effort to be with me in public, but in private he totally ignores me. He has no interest in being intimate and lies about his online porn addiction. its like he has to have a lie or a secret to make himself feel in control.

today was the last straw,, (ha no pun intended) its not very funny really. Im feel very numb too numb to cry anymore.
what happened was I had been using his washer and dryer, went in to get my laundry and saw he was on his computer watching porn. I wanted to vomit. we have had arguements about his lack of interest in having sx or not having it. which happened as soon as we married. He swears he has no drive. Well he lies to the end, its amazing. I wonder if he has more interest if he is seeing other women. why I am not good enough and why did he marry me if that was the case? Its all so crazy if I think about it too much.

I am done and I hope I can be strong enough to stay at my house and stay away from him. I sealed my fate of ending it by telling him I knew he was lying, since figured out his password. If I even try to talk to him again he will rage at me and twist it all into my fault or that I was imagining things.

I need to let go of confronting and trying to get him to tell the truth. after all these years and all these lies.

feel very angry right now how I tried to beleive him about his disorder he said he had since he is 49,, he tried to say it is because he is older now, but he doesnt seem to stop watching the porn.

when I think about his personality in general, he is always either watching TV, playing online WOW world of warcraft,, gambling at video poker. when he wants to talk to me its while driving or on the phone.. the intimacty level has never been there, there is always a distractor for him. Also he is drinking almost everyday and on paxil.

How do I get over being rejected as a female? how do I not take this personnally? This hurts very bad .. and Im tired of wasting my life, my heart and too many tears over his lies. Im tired of feeling worthless and want my life back.

there are other issues, like he is very unsupportive of my family and my daughters. Doesnt help much,, I am seeing a therapist since he told me it was my problem. The therapist tells me to divorce him, he is not a husband and this is not a relationship. She is right. I think I am finally ready to do this.

any support or links of how to heal would be helpful..

thank you..
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replied August 10th, 2009
Supporter
taking paxil and drinking alcohol every night is dangerous. this relationship wasnt right in the beginning and it seems to be getting worse.
it's good that he told you that it's your problem and your seeing a therapist is a good thing and probably making you stronger.
it's good that you have your own home, some women situations are so much worse.
if i were you i would stay in my own house and get the locks changed. if he is 49 years old, i'll assume your close to his age. you dont deserve to be mistreated by anyone.
he probably had a horrible childhood and dont know how to treat a women, when he should since he is a older man.
be strong and dont put up with his lies and other issues.
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replied August 10th, 2009
Experienced User
BE STRONG ANS LEAVE. focas on you and your daughters and then take a few months and find a real man but dont rush into it trust me. You need to stand up for yourself and you need to take care of you. And maybe he has a problem but ive know men older than that who have wild sex drives ((my fiances dad and mom are loud when we stay holidays with them)) but anyways just get yourself out of the relationship find someone who will treat you right. Follow your heart
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replied August 10th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey mercymv
The relationship you have with this man is toxic for you both. You have to end it if you want any happiness in your life. If you are concerned about how angry you feel or how his rejection makes you feel you cannot simply blame him, especially once he's not in your life. Continue to see your therapist for help in working past this stage of your life and starting anew. I strongly suggest you take a vacation from men entirely until you wash the taste of your marraige from your mouth. When you do come back to finding a man don't look for a real man, look for a man and strive to just be real with him.
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replied October 19th, 2009
I feel like you were telling MY story! Why do I feel rejected by this abusive jerk when I have left him many times in the past? Why do I care if this rather homely, small-penised man wants me or not?
I can't even understand it myself except to think that he has brain-washed me in some way. I have never been in an abusive relationship before and this is totally foreign to me! I am feeling really sad and then really mad at myself for having one ounce of feelings for this jerk!
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replied October 19th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
hi mercymv and prettyinpa sounds like you both need to chuck your men you are worth far more then they are giving you...They may try to convince you to stay but dont because they will never change....good luck...Jenny
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