Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

baby involved

Lets start from day one. i met this guy at a party and to be honest i felt bad for the guy. he repeatedly told me how i was to good for him (i should have listened lol) and was very abusive, but i felt bad for him. i didn't understand how someone could be sooo down on themselves that they had to treat other people so badly. he would verbally abuse me (cussing me, threatening to throw things at me, telling me to get the [email protected]# out and then crying because i left, completely degrading me around his family and friends)and then one day he got arrested because he lost his job got way completely more trashed than usual and decided he would go out to his front yard and shoot his gun in the air 5 times. needless to say he got a scram device (checks for alcohol in sweat) and couldn't drink for 6 months.
During this 6 months is when i fell in love and quit taking birth control like a fool. he got on it in june we moved in together in august, after he got done detoxing and really was an amazing guy, everything i have ever wanted in a guy. quit taking my birth control in october because i really believed him when he told me that quitting drinking was the best thing that had ever happened to him. and in november when he got off early, the first thing he did was go get a beer.
so, obviously things kept getting worse and worse until in may (after he got way upset because my grandfather had just told me he had less than 3 months left, and i didn't want to be at his friend who only has one birthday a year ( even though he parties every day anyway) anyhow he got way upset and was talking crap the whole night about how i needed to drink with him blah blah blah and when i decided i was just going leave he jumped on my car just as i was backing up. he fell off jumped up and shattered my passenger window. this is when i was done. i had everything set up to where i could leave and then i found out i was pregnant. he was so excited and would go back and forth between i have to get as much partying in as possible and i'm going to chang for the baby. mostly he was just a drunk a#@hole. dragging me to his parties, at one point i had to go to to a town 3 hours away to party and drive home to be at work at 8 in the am. he had told me when we left we were going to see my sister an hour away and go on a date.
he did try to stop drinking on a few occasions, usually lasting a couple days. the first time he cheated (that i know of) i was 9 months pregnant, literally like 9 days before my due date. and of course i tried to forgive him but never really could. just really kind of got over it and tried to continue loving him over the past year and a half even though i really was just kind "putting up with" now he has cheated again, second time that i know of. the first time he only told me cause he was covered in hickeys, the second time cause he found out he had chlamydia. now pretty much needless to say i just hate the guy. even just looking at him irritates me to the point of going crazy and we are fighting constantly... i'm done i really do just want to be out of it
my problem is that his son positively adores him, while i would never take his son away from him how can i leave him over night etc when i know how he parties? i cannot afford to leave, he makes too much money for us to have any kind of assistance so my son is uninsured, and while i have finally got a minimum wage job after a year and a half staying home with the baby, there is no way i can afford to keep up with all of our bills while i am waiting for child support to go through. also i know he will go psycho when i tell him to get out of my house, i'm talking drugs and god only know what else (did i mention hes an alcoholic lol). to be honest i am afraid to leave him...
i guess what i am looking for is legal advice, how do i go about filing, telling him i filed, breaking up, custody/visitation, my car everything we have but the house belongs to him.....
thank you for reading all this i know its long but i really really need as much advice as possible, i know what i need to do just don't know how
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replied September 11th, 2010
Community Volunteer
Hi nessamarie2004,

Strip away the emotiona attachment and think of the lessons your child is learning from his alcoholic behavior. Parents are their child/ren first teachers. Is this what you want him to be taught. If you answer NO to this question...leave and don't look back. If this man in yours and your son's life was anyone but your husband and his father would you allow your son to be around him? Your son is young enough for you to do some major needed damage control. Yes he will be confused as to why daddy doesn't live with the two of you anymore, most children are durning a divorce, but the same children will also tell you when they get older and understand that alcoholism is a destructive and violent disease that being divorced was the right thing to do.

Please contact the Legal Aid in your area and find out what steps you need to take, the are cheaper than a lawyer and are licsensed and experienced attorneys for those who can't afford lawyers. Forget about your emotions and the the awesome Mom that you are, son first then you ok? Yous soon-to-be-ex chosed the liquor, you have to step up to the plate and choose your son and your well being. Don't back down, you are a good Mom and your son deserve to see his Mom treated with the respect and dignity that all women deserve; his father is showing him so you have to. Keep us posted, YOU CAN DO IT...GO FOR IT!!!

May God give you the strength and courgage to change the things you can in your son's and your life and the wisdom to know the differance. Read and post a copy of the Serenity Prayer on your night stand and read it daily.

Faded Rose
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replied September 12th, 2010
Experienced User
you need to get out of the sittuation, he has been abusing you and it is unforchantly posible that he may abbuse your son when he is older. you have dignity in yourself as a person and as a mother you are the primary gardian of your child so when you leve you can limmit your expartners access. i am not shore how it works where you live but the state or charitys should provide housing for you, alternitvly you can go back to fammily. in the long run however leaving will be better for you and your son living with an alcholic destroys the life of the whole family and you do not have to stay in the situation.
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replied September 17th, 2010
thanks:) in the end, i tried to leave him. he moved out and slept in his truck for three days. then came back crying about how he had no where to go and could he stay with me till he finds a place etc etc. of course, i let him but i told him the minute he decides he wants to drink he can pack his stuff. im happy to say he hasnt drank in 3 weeks (unfortunately i dont believe it will last Sad ) but hopefully he proves me wrong. anyhow im keeping my job and a seperate bank account just in case...
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