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Help! I have been with my boyfriend for the last year. And all it seems to end up in are arguments. No matter what I do, what I say, or think, he makes sure to point out I am wrong. He doesn't trust me. He gets mad at me over everything. And I just don't know what to do. He doesn't realize that he is killing me. He puts me down and doesn't care. As long as its nothing against him. It doesnt matter. I dunno what to do. Please help


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replied December 21st, 2009
Troubled and Abusive Relationships Answer A8645
Hello.

I would encourage you to look at this problem from two different angles.

1) Your relationship goals - What do you really want from the relationship? You should have specific goals here. And then you could judge if you are going towards your goals or aways from them! And as long as your goals are realistic and acceptable to the both of you, you should discourage any action which prevents you from going towards achieving your relationship goal. Obviously, arguments are not helping the cause. And you don't quite have a control over what your boyfriend would say or do. But your have your freedom of choice. A choice to take decisions for yourself.

2) Your own disturbance - What this relationship may do to you can be a long term damage, which will be a bit difficult to repair. Take some time and think about what these arguments and the relationship in general are doing to you right now. Do you get bogged down? Do you start thinking negative and self-downing thoughts? Once again, in terms of achieving a goal of happiness, these thoughts will be irrational as they prevent you from being happy.

I am not saying it is easy to ignore what is going on and just be happy. Instead, I would encourage you to check if you draw inferences about yourself fro all that is happening to you. And often these inferences are negative evaluations of self, which disturb us more.

In either case, I encourage you to plan your steps keeping in mind what you ultimately want from your life and from this relationship. You will get your answers.

Regards

This post is for the purpose of providing medical information and is not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a doctor. This post is not intended to give or rule out a diagnosis, create a doctor-patient relationship or replace an existing one.


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replied December 29th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
So what about your relationship is worth staying in it for?
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replied January 4th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
I think he is quite controlling and it needs to stop it is supposed to be a two way relationship and he needs to realize this..Jenny
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replied January 10th, 2010
Supporter
you should
1.explain to your boyfriend all the things he is doing to hurt you.

2.If talking and communicating doesnt work.

3. Talk about seeing a relationship therapist, some pastors will counsel couples.

4. If he refused to change or get help, then you should consider leaving him. Dont stay in a relationship over love if that person is hurting you. this is a lesson i learned.
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replied February 19th, 2010
Experienced User
Boyfriends - Run Or Comply???
Get out is my advice, if only because there is the prospect for greater happiness elsewhere. If you`re not going to do that then I`d suggest falling-in with him on everything, to see if this eventually will make him more reasonable. It might be he has an urgent need of a relationship, currently with you, that will create an ego/selfworth - You probably already know if this is indeed true?? - Creating it for him could take a long time, but if you don`t notice any changes within just a few weeks, you must end it then, and make sure to have no contact incase he should turn violent!??
I`m trusting that you`ll arrive in a far happier place, but it will be down to you.
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