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Help! I have been with my boyfriend for the last year. And all it seems to end up in are arguments. No matter what I do, what I say, or think, he makes sure to point out I am wrong. He doesn't trust me. He gets mad at me over everything. And I just don't know what to do. He doesn't realize that he is killing me. He puts me down and doesn't care. As long as its nothing against him. It doesnt matter. I dunno what to do. Please help


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replied December 21st, 2009
Troubled and Abusive Relationships Answer A8645
Hello.

I would encourage you to look at this problem from two different angles.

1) Your relationship goals - What do you really want from the relationship? You should have specific goals here. And then you could judge if you are going towards your goals or aways from them! And as long as your goals are realistic and acceptable to the both of you, you should discourage any action which prevents you from going towards achieving your relationship goal. Obviously, arguments are not helping the cause. And you don't quite have a control over what your boyfriend would say or do. But your have your freedom of choice. A choice to take decisions for yourself.

2) Your own disturbance - What this relationship may do to you can be a long term damage, which will be a bit difficult to repair. Take some time and think about what these arguments and the relationship in general are doing to you right now. Do you get bogged down? Do you start thinking negative and self-downing thoughts? Once again, in terms of achieving a goal of happiness, these thoughts will be irrational as they prevent you from being happy.

I am not saying it is easy to ignore what is going on and just be happy. Instead, I would encourage you to check if you draw inferences about yourself fro all that is happening to you. And often these inferences are negative evaluations of self, which disturb us more.

In either case, I encourage you to plan your steps keeping in mind what you ultimately want from your life and from this relationship. You will get your answers.

Regards

This post is for the purpose of providing medical information and is not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a doctor. This post is not intended to give or rule out a diagnosis, create a doctor-patient relationship or replace an existing one.


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