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anxiety has a tight grip on me

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Hello, i am new here! Forgive me if this gets long Surprised)

I was introduced to anxiety about a year ago when i started having dizzy spells and then two months later a rollercoaster of panic attacks... I was sure i was dying! I took xanax as needed for 2 months, probably 3 times total. Then i started zoloft because i learned xanax was addictive. Zoloft sent me to the hospital after two days, 25mg each day.. first day extreme agitation/increased anxiety and couldnt sleep. Day 2 full blown panic attack that xanax couldnt help. Was willingly admitted to psych, as i was horrified. I was discontinued on zoloft and put on clonazepam (oooo the fun began) while on clonazepam .5mg 3x a day, i tried celexa which made me really nauseous so the psych discontinued that too. I stayed on clonazepam but at .5mg twice a day for 4 months (i was naieve and didnt know this was addictive, was actually told by one dr it wasnt) anyway, had interdoae withdrawal or breakthrough anxiety and ended up back in psych, they tried zoloft, again! I had burning under my scalp, horrid inner jitters and anxiety attack by day 5. So after this stay, and lots of CBT and therapy appts i said the hell with it and wanted to fight the anxiety on my own. I tapered off the 1 mg of clonazepam over a month, horrible withdrawals, back in psych! They put me on gabapentin 900mg and remeron 30mg. I had horrible suicidal thoughts and racing through my head! They told me i had severe MDD. Never had i been depressed a day in my life until i came off clonazepam. Well, i lasted 4 days on remeron and quit bc my heart was racing over 100 beats a min, high 80 at best and typical resting for me is 60-70. Turns out, after discontinuing it and staying on the gabapentin, the heart still raced and by adjusting the dose of gaba down, to 300, it slowed to normal. Well i felt good but started experiencing mood wings. A few good days, a few bad... Kind of turned into a pattern... And the good days in between became less and less. My psych said it could be making me depressed so i went off. Been off a week and a half now. Started buspar and atarax a couple weeks ago and i notice some relief, but i think the buspar needs more time to build up. However, my moods are constantly on a rollercoaster. I can be happy and hopeful and enjoy my kids then hate life, be a grouch and irritable just as quick. Sometimes they change a lot during the day and sometimes i gjo a couple good days then a couple bad days. Irritability seems to be there often. I have a lot of stress, 2 small, busy kids! Love them, but they are a handful! I worry constantly, i thought for sure i would have a heart attack bc i had chest pains, thought i had a brain tumor bc i was dizzy. Stress test and brain mri ruled those out... Now i am worried i am bipolar, with the cycling of my moods. I mentioned it to my psyh, actually two, and they said not a chance, bc i dont stay up days on end, spend excess of money, or risky behavior, and then crash. Its not always that extreme though? Could my anxiety be getting the best of me, and im causing these mood changes by thinking/worrying about them, as i did the chest pains and dizziness? I just get so down where i freak out and freeze bc my feelings are so low they scare me. Horrible thoughts race through my head, my psych says thats OCD though. Any thoughts? Sorry so long. Look forward to chatting with others!
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