Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

Anxiety and emotional confusion

Hi, first off- I will say most of who reads this will say I am at fault for my feelings of anxiety and stress and I completely understand that. But feelings are feelings, so please don't judge me.

My boyfriend of 2 years, 2 years of an intense (intense love, intense hate, very toxic yet addicting sort of relatoinship) broke up with me 4 months ago. I have attempted to cut off all communication countless times but it's HIM that wanted to remain friends and him that agreed that we both are not to see or sleep with other people...so after going back and forth with not talking to him- but he kept messaging me and I always miss him...I continued to talk to him, text, see him each week, we'd hookup each week, he even had me go on a week long vacation with him and his family a few weeks ago.

After the vacation, I told him we needed to either part ways or work things out...he chose to lose me. So fine, I stopped talking to him. But he did not leave me alone...kept messaging me saying he misses me, enjoys hearing from me, wants to talk to me, etc. Of course after 2 weeks, I give in and we begin talking and hooking up again.

When I stop talking to him, and then start again- he is nice and sweet to me. As a week or so passes, he begins to back to his old ways of either ignoring me or barely acknowleding me and then when I get upset- he thinks I'm being emotional and crazy. How can he fault ME if he's the one already making plans for us in the winter, asking me to hang out with his family again this coming weekend and then I am not to get upset when he disregards me? AFTER he made a big fuss about me not talking to him?

This is all causing me extreme stress and anxiety. He is technically single and is allowed to see and sleep with whomever he wants and I am worried he is doing this and lying to me about it. I am not seeing or sleeping with anyone else because I don't want to, so please don't tell me to. I am not emotionally ready to get to know another man. I am stuck on this one and the stress and the toxic energy he is bringing into my life is taking a toll on me, mentally and physically.

My question is: Why do men break up with women with the excuse of "I don't want the responsibility of a relationship" - they clearly enjoy their freedom but yet wants to spend every weekend with me and gets upset when I don't want to talk him or when I get upset when he is rude to me? They say women are crazy, but it's because of men like this. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I've lost all motivation at work....just last night he was ignoring me via text when the day before I stopped by his apartment to pick up his laundry because he needed help with it. How can someone be so heartless to someone who is so kind???

I know, this post sounds like I'm all over the place but please excuse my emotional distress as this break up as been very hard on me.
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replied July 14th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

Your post doesn't make you seem all over the place, in fact it does make good sense.

Your boyfriend sounds as though he is about thirty years too young for you. I think he has a lot of growing up to do and because he is a particular sort of personality, it is likely to take him a long time to do that.

I speculate he doesn't easily see things that are obvious to others.

I speculate he is strongly motivated by his brain - not the one holding his ears apart but the one that he keeps in his scrotum. I suspect his behaviour is influenced a great deal by his sexual needs. He has decided you are the one who floats his sexual boat and when he needs you he loves you but when he doesn't need you he would rather you put yourself in a cupboard or something until the next time because he doesn't feel any real emotional attachment to you at these times, though he is likely to go into a real panic if he thought you weren't there. It isn't as though he simply uses you for sex and that is his only motivation; it is far more complex than that - almost as if love and sex are one and the same to this sort of guy and he can't feel one without the other.

Having you around before he is ready for you again is an annoying inconvenience. Even if you aren't having much or any sex just now I can almost guarantee his attitude and behaviour is sexually motivated. To a guy like that sex is like taking a dump - the need is all consuming but when you've had it, you don't want it!

You could be right and he is playing the field when he isn't seeing you. If my assessment of his character is anywhere close it would be likely that he would have more than one sexual outlet and perhaps several, but only one addiction.
If you don't finish it and remain strong and completely no contact the best you can hope for is he will become infatuated by another female. Until that time you are likely to remain his drug of choice...

I apologise if my assessment is entirely wrong but I believe I know the type quite well and recognised it in your description of him.

Good luck!
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