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Anxiety & anal masturbation

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Hi, I’m Chris; I’m 32 years old, from the UK. My story is a bit of a long one, so I will try to summaries as much as possible. 

It started when I went to see a therapist as part of my training (to be a therapist) – it was during this process that I recalled the abuse I suffered as a child (at the hands of my previous step-father) and it was released. It wasn’t that it had been forgotten only pushed to the back of my mind, to keep it out of harms reach!

It was at this point that I was questioning my sexuality; no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find men attractive. However I did really enjoy anal masturbation. Then my relationship broke down and I had to move back with my mother and I knew the anal masturbation wouldn’t be able to continue (no privacy).

In order to protect my 7 year old nephew from my abuser; after I had seen the same symptoms in him that I (and my brother) had at exactly the same age I reported to the police what had happened. My family now don’t want anything more to do with me.
Over the last few weeks I have been tempted to re-engage in this pleasurable activity but last week my relationship with my ex-girlfriend broke down (irrecusably) and although I was still enjoying it; I did feel very guilty.

Yesterday (Sunday, 20th February 2011) we met up for coffee and I’ve been feeling incredibly anxious and depressed ever since and I’ve lost my enjoyment.

I am so confused, I don’t know if it is because (despite my reading on the net that it isn’t gay) it feels as though I’m questioning my sexuality, guilty or my depression (which is prominent at the moment). I have been under-going counselling on a weekly basis; it was pointed out in my last session that I seemed very keen to demonstrate my sexuality!

I would be grateful for any help that anyone is able to post.
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First Helper lifeisacookie
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replied February 24th, 2011
Hi, yes i think it may be better for you to seek professional counselling regarding this particular matter.
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replied February 27th, 2011
i dont think that yo are gay. As humanbeings we grow acustumed to certain things. even though you hated what was happening to you, you grew acustume to it and now you find it pleasurable but with a girl. sometimes we are sick in the head. take me for example. i love thinking of another man being with my girl while we have sex but i know that if we do it in reality i wouldnt want her. This is part of our sinful nature. you feel depressed because you know its wrong but you want it so bad the you get Anxious. you are not gay you just feel conviction in your heart about doing what is wrong..God loves you, just pray about it.
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replied March 6th, 2011
Don't listen to mambrake. No one knows your sexuality better than you. If you are questioning it, which it sounds like you, experiment a little. The only sin in this world is not to follow your heart. Don't forget that sexuality is a gradient, not black/white. Everybody, including mambrake, has bisexual feelings, although some people suppress it more than others. Preferences are what traditionally define sexuality.
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replied March 20th, 2011
I agree with "lifeisacookie". YOU are the only one that knows YOUR sexuality. You don't need a therapist to help you figure that out. The best way to figure out what you really want is to experiment. Your body is a temple; enjoy it, love it, experiment with it.

Easier said than done, but try to somehow let go of your past, forgive your step father for what he did. It'll set you free. I can tell you this only because I have been abused as a child myself by two very close family members for a very long period of time. I've let this past haunt me and ruin all of my relationships, but in the past year, I forgave them (not verbally, but mentally) I let it all go. My life has made a drastic change for the better. I was confused about my sexuality for about 2-3 years after the abuse stopped. Once I started getting comfortable with myself and with other people and trusting other people, I started experimenting and figured out exactly what was best for me.
Goodluck!
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replied March 29th, 2011
If the man feels bad about it why send him to do it? maybe you two are bisexual and want someone else in the club. that would be like telling someone to go use drugs just cause they say that they tried it once and are debating whether to do it again or not. you are correct, i too have fantasies with another man but i supress that thought knowing tht i was given a penis and not a vagina for a reason. i am not judgin him, im just giving advice.
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replied April 22nd, 2011
You are not Gay no one is.
Hi Chris, research HOCD disorders and listen to Roy Masters he is got some COOL answers
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replied May 7th, 2011
You are not gay i.e. a homosexual. I do wish that those who enjoy anal play and anal stimulation would not worry about being gay. The two things are different but a person can be both.
It seems to me that parents and other adults put fear into their children by making anal interest taboo.

I would advise you to seek medical advice re the sharp pain you are getting in your rectum. I doubt that it is serious and may be caused by the length of the device you are using irritating a nerve. Try a smaller thinner shorter anal stimulator which you can move around to find the painful spot or reassure yourself that the pain is no longer there.
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replied June 3rd, 2016
Damn I haven't been on for a while...lol Years
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