Medical Questions > Mental Health > Eating Disorders Forum

Anorexic, BMI of 12. Need help.

Hi,

I have had severe anorexia for over 7 years and am struggling to find the motivation to recover. I hate this disorder, and have tried everything to get better. Psychiatrists, psychologist, dietitians, numerous hospitalisations, etc. And to tell you the truth, I a have now reached a stage where I don't know if I can be bother trying anymore. I now weigh 66 pounds and have basically lost the will to live. I'm so disheartened by all of the failed attempts to get better, and I don't feel like I'm capable of overcoming this.

My health is shocking. Heart, liver, kidney problems. Chest infections, dizziness, fluid retention, aches and pains. And I'm so goddamn tired all of the time.

People stare at me wherever I go. It especially breaks my heart when little children as young as 3 or 4, stare at me as though I am some kind of alien. If somebody that innocent and young can look at me and see something's wrong... well, you get the idea.

Most people assume I don't eat at all, but I do, otherwise I'd be dead. I usually have around 500-800 calories per day, and have stopped purging for some time. I'm slowly losing more and more weight, and I can't stop. I'm scared, but I cannot bring myself to increase my calories and gain weight. The thought alone is terrifying. It is enough of a battle at the moment just to eat what I'm eating.

I don't want to go into hospital again, because I hate tube-feeding, and I hate that the whole purpose is just to gain weight, without any psychological help. Everytime I've come out worse. The anorexia becomes so strong in hospital, with all of that concentration on food, calories, weight. The eating disorder takes over completely in hospital. Then I get out and lose weight because my eating disorder is worse than ever. Plus, doctors are getting sick of me, and my discharge weight gets lower everytime because I'm too difficult to work with apparently. Last hospital admission the doctor kicked me out at BMI 14, because I'd lost a pound that week and he refused to help somebody who wouldn't help themselves. Um, if I could help myself, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, would I? He also said that if he heard that I had died from anorexia, it wouldn't concern him in the least, because in his eyes, it's my choice to be this way. A*#hole!

I hate the stigma around eating disorders. People (especially doctors and psychs) need to educate themselves on eating disorders before they open their mouths.

WE DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS! This is not a lifestyle choice. It is a disorder. A mental and physical disease. We are sick. Treat us as you would treat anybody else who is suffering from a mental or physical problem. Do schizophrenics choose to be that way? NO! Do cancer sufferers choose to have cancer? NO!

Anyway, enough ranting.

I need help, and I don't know how to get it. I need to find the will to fight. And I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have exhausted all of my options. I'm just exhausted.

Advice.
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First Helper june9026
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replied February 6th, 2011
Anorexia - Change the treatment
Hi

I am the same, and feel like there is no point in asking for help as I seem to get worse after each hospital admission. Did you find any help? I really hope you did.

Tube feed and Ensure supplement forced weight gain are not the answer, they may speed up weight gain but they also further entrench the desire to lose weight when you leave hospital.

I am so tired of living this half life, I want to be left alone now to slip away, let my family move on and not have to suffer this anymore.
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replied July 2nd, 2011
Extremely eHealthy
in your case, u should ask for Electroconvulsive therapy as u need something better before it is too late
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replied February 16th, 2011
Hello

I am a male struggling with anorexia and I know the constant pain the evil causes in the mind.

I am trying to recovery, although my B.M.I is not at 14.2.

I am 'comfortable' on 1000kcal, my previous was 1800 which I maintained to some degree 46kg on.

I now find that having 1000kcal in my head during the day but somehow managing to 'sneak' something in helps. It is very stressful but I manage.

You do know if we reach a B.M.I above normal, our whole way of thinking will change. I have poken to someone who has recovered and it's true...she thought it was a load of garbage. However, once she hit a B.M.I of 19 plus...it worked.

I know your B.M.I has never probably been over 19, mine hasn't, even when we were 'normal'...but things have changed.

You have nothing to loose, so just give it a tiny tiny tiny go. And just see....I am with you all the time, sharing your struggle... You can do this!

All the best
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replied February 16th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Re: Anorexia - Change the treatment
Fionafive wrote:
Hi

I am the same, and feel like there is no point in asking for help as I seem to get worse after each hospital admission. Did you find any help? I really hope you did.

Tube feed and Ensure supplement forced weight gain are not the answer, they may speed up weight gain but they also further entrench the desire to lose weight when you leave hospital.

I am so tired of living this half life, I want to be left alone now to slip away, let my family move on and not have to suffer this anymore.


Your help is within you...You are battling the two forces within your mind...One is the evil side and one the good...No, they cannot force you or tube feed you, but you can control your own God given mind to take the right road in life...Yours is the easy way out...Mine was too....But, as hard as it was and believe me it was not a picnic, I prevailed...Diseases and illnesses can be fought with medicine...Your mind control must be fought by you...Take care...

Caroline
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replied February 18th, 2011
I was in the same boat 2 years ago, my heart rate was so low, 44 bpm when it should be like 64bpm, I was forbidden to even walk up/ down stairs for fear of my heart giving out. While my BMI was 13.9 and not 12, I can understand what you are going through. I couldn't get better on my own. I went to out patient treatment, couldn't do hospitals, and it took me one MONTH to gain 2 pounds! That was verrry bad! Strategies I found helpful in getting better:
-Love and support of family
-Crying
-Art
-Making posters with inspirational sayings, like "fat is NOT a feeling"
- talking about the pain i feel inside
-Making a pro/con list for recovering and not recovering, then framing it.
-puzzles when I was bored and couldn't exercise (good distraction)
- writing a letter from my body's perspective of how it feels dealing with anorexia. (turned out to be a very angry letter)

Hope that helps and I wish you all the best!!!!! <3
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Users who thank june9026 for this post: Notquiteready 

replied March 15th, 2011
I know this might not gain universal approval, but try Marijuana. Seriously... I am a practicing Pharmacist and while not a doctor, I can honestly say that I see the majority of women with serious eating disorders returning month after month for the same medications until their bodies can't take the medication.

Not only could the marijuana help stimulate your desire to eat, but it could also help you calm your nerves and make it easier for you to approach a meal. It has also been used for pain management. I know this is unconventional advice, but if you really want to change and you need help, marijuana might just help you get started going down the right path.

And if you are opposed to smoking, try marijuana foods or purchasing a vaporizer... And then make sure you are in a place where you feel comfortable, bring some music or something to watch, and then grab something easy to eat or something you enjoy eating. If it's apples, bring a couple sliced apples and peanut butter. Here's some suggestions: string cheese, gold fish crackers, almonds, chips, pretzels. Maybe slowly work up to eating a whole healthy meal, but in the mean time I would think that large snacking might help you out.

I'm so sorry you have been suffering and haven't found the help you need. I hope what I've said helps - let me know if you need to talk or if you need to talk about medicinal marijuana. You can get better for sure!
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replied July 1st, 2011
I have to disagree with the above. Marijuana can seriously increase symptoms of depression which often goes hand-in-hand with anorexia. Trying to cure anorexia on drug missue is not going to work.

Not all hospitals will insist on tube-feeding and ensure drinks. If you research into hospitals you can find one which treats you as an adult and works with you rather than agaisnt you. Recovery does mean weight gain, therapy and learning to care for yourself.

If hospital really isnt going to work - try finding a private therapist/nurtionist (but make sure you check their legit)
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replied July 2nd, 2011
Extremely eHealthy
I also agree with Elle 11. . . pot can be helpful and I would not worry about the rest if u r anorexic as your problems need all the help u can get
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replied July 1st, 2013
fuelling your mind
I had a BMI of 11.8 when i was admitted into an eating disorder unit at the age of 19, and i stayed there for 10 months being "fattened up". The problem i had is that they wouldn't treat my mind until my weight was stable enough for it to work rationally. You brain is fried at a low BMI and i now understand why they did very little psychiatric work on me until my weight was high enough for my brain to function properly. At the time it infuriated me that all they wanted to do was force feed me and no one was talking to me about the cause and the demons in my head! Now 10 years later and a BMI that hovers around 17.5 i am "ok" around food and with the concept of feeding myself, but it has taken those 10 years to get to where i am today and i think people underestimate how long it takes to fully recover from an eating disorder. I still struggle and i still need to gain weight if i ever want to have children, but i know that the only person who can really help is me! It's your low weight that is fuelling the thoughts in your brain and slowly slowly as you gain weight the mind will quieten. Just test it out, i know its terrifying, but how can you know if you don't take that leap and test the waters. Good luck, i believe in you!
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