I'm 26 years old and I think about suicide every single day.
When I was 14 I was mauled by a dog.
At 18 I lost my virginity to rape.
At 21 I developed ovarian cancer.
I come from an abusive home and I've been homeless.

Yes, I've been going to therapy forever. And no, it has not helped.

Yet, I finished college, I'm in graduate school, I'm employed, and I live in a nice place now.

But I think about suicide before I go to bed every night, and when I wake up in the morning, I often cry.

There is absolutely no love in my life.
In spite of everything I've been through and everything I've accomplished, I feel like a worthless person.
I see women all around me getting married and having children.
I've never been asked out on a date, never went to prom, never had a boyfriend.
The only time I've had sex is when I was raped, or when I would get drunk and let men use me.
I let about 30 men have sex with me, who probably didn't know my name (or care to).

I feel like other women HAVE to be better than I am.
All of these things have happened to me, and it never gets better.

I just want a normal life with a husband and family. But apparently these things aren't for me.

I'm just waiting for the right day and method to die. What do I have to live for? More cancer?
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First Helper YvetteS
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replied September 7th, 2011
Well don't kill yourself. If you have come that far it would be silly to give up now. I have had a lot of childhood problems and drug problems as a teenager. I overcame all of that. I have a good job, money, a nice house. None of it matters and I feel lonelyness most of the time. It drove me into a bad relationship for 10 years. We seperated after she cheated on me and got pregnant to somebody else. I put 10 years into that for nothing. I have a daughter so i have to pretend I am happy for her sake everyday. Its up to me to get her to school etc. I have no chance of meeting somebody else as I have poor social skills and they see my daughter as bagage. So I guess I am staring down the barrel of a very lonely life. Selfworth is something you can work on at least. Reading your story you sound very interesting. You are worth a lot and there are a lot of people out there who would want you...they just don't know you exist and have not met you. Given the chance a lot of people would want you. You just have to keep meeting people until one day somebody will think your perfect. I dont have answers...I think just doing things to try and meet people...maybe internet dating? what I am trying to do is find activities I like, for example I went sky diving which was fun, I am going to buy a bike and take up mountain biking. I guess I still have some hope...and so do you or you wouldn't write on this forum. Don't give up cause I am almost in tears writing this cause I want to give up...but dont...
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replied September 7th, 2011
Re: 26 And Ready for Suicide
sunny
Spectral wrote:
I'm 26 years old and I think about suicide every single day.
When I was 14 I was mauled by a dog.
At 18 I lost my virginity to rape.
At 21 I developed ovarian cancer.
I come from an abusive home and I've been homeless.

Yes, I've been going to therapy forever. And no, it has not helped.

Yet, I finished college, I'm in graduate school, I'm employed, and I live in a nice place now.

But I think about suicide before I go to bed every night, and when I wake up in the morning, I often cry.

There is absolutely no love in my life.
In spite of everything I've been through and everything I've accomplished, I feel like a worthless person.
I see women all around me getting married and having children.
I've never been asked out on a date, never went to prom, never had a boyfriend.
The only time I've had sex is when I was raped, or when I would get drunk and let men use me.
I let about 30 men have sex with me, who probably didn't know my name (or care to).

I feel like other women HAVE to be better than I am.
All of these things have happened to me, and it never gets better.

I just want a normal life with a husband and family. But apparently these things aren't for me.

I'm just waiting for the right day and method to die. What do I have to live for? More cancer?


I am so sorry reading how you are feeling so low and suicidal. I can relate to everthing you feel as I feel similiar..... I lost my sister 8 years ago and developed a problem with booze which I had to give up 7 years ago.....I just want to share with you that Good Rest...like a Proper Nights sleep, Proper meals, never leave yourself hungry (as this too leads to uncontrolable bad feelings inside) also Exercise.......Any kind of exercise....a Walk, a Swim, Tennis, pick something that you know you would find hard to motivate yourself to do regularly during the week. This exercise naturally lifts your emotions in a very positive way, the best way possible, and give you more control of your own life and your own mind. I receive a few differant e.mails daily to help boost my good thoughts.......Finally, because I hav'nt had a drink since 7 years I feel I am a living Miracle and hav turned to God so much more since Cathy died as I know if he helps me to stop drinking he can help me with anything....although I do have to hav Patience. I hope this may cheer you up so what.....also if I am feeling really rotten I pick something from You Tube which will make me Laugh....God Bless You. x
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replied September 11th, 2011
Spectral,

I am very sorry. I wish I could give you a hug right now. While I cannot relate to the tragedies in your life, I'm a little older than you and also have never had a boyfriend -there are many of us who haven't, and many who marry later in life, so don't be ashamed or give up all hope.

Therapy can help, but therapists are not God, they do not have the power to heal a broken soul like yours. Neither does a husband and family, although they are wonderful things, and you don't need to give up hope yet that you will have those things.

God calls Himself the Father to the fatherless, so if you came from an abusive home, God is in a special sense, your Father.

Tonight, before you go to bed, pray. Tell God what you normally tell your therapist. Tell Him you are tired of life and want to know what the meaning is behind all this pain. There is special power in praying the words of the Bible back to God in expressing your needs... I believe you will recogize the feelings in Psalm 22:

"My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?
Why are You so far from helping Me,
And from the words of My groaning?
... But You are He who took Me out of the womb;
You made Me trust while on My mothers breasts.
10 I was cast upon You from birth.
From My mothers womb
You have been My God.
11 Be not far from Me,
For trouble is near;
For there is none to help."

You can actually pray these words back to God. And claim the words of Jesus in John 10, "I am come that they may have life, and that more abundantly"

Tell Jesus, "I am ready to die, but I will give my life to you first. Give me this abundant life you promised." Just continue to pray and read the Gospels every time you feel the depression attack you at night and in the morning. When things get really bad, go to a chapter in Psalms that praises God (like Psalm 103), or get a hymnal or some other praise song and sing it.

One reason I bring this up is that someone very close to me did this when they were suicidal, and it helped them in an amazing way.

You will find a song that is meaningful to you based on your personal struggle, but they sang this song:

When you're up against a struggle
That shatters all your dreams
And your hope's been cruelly crushed
By Satan's manifested scheme
And you feel the urge within you
To submit to earthly fears
Don't let the faith your standing in
seem to disappear

CHORUS

Praise the Lord
He can work through those who praise Him
Praise the Lord
For our God inhabits praise
Praise the Lord

For the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you
That they drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him

Now Satan is a liar
And he wants to make us think
That we are paupers
When he knows himself
We're children of the King
So lift up the mighty shield of faith
For the battle must be won
We know that Jesus Christ is risen
So the works already done

You will also find it helpful to turn off Top 40 and other music and television which have a lot of artificial romance and angst and drama that will add negativity to your your mind and make you more depressed about not being in a relationship. It is very important to know that you have the RIGHT and the duty to turn your mind to hopeful thoughts, and not to mull over negative thoughts. You have suffered horribly and depressing thoughts will come at you at times, but you can pour out your thoughts to God, just as you would do with a friend or therapist, and then turn you mind to a postive channel by singing praises to God.

I will be praying for you! Please let me know how you are doing. God bless you.
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replied September 12th, 2011
Dude, i completely feel for you. I have been through the exact same thing as you. I also came from a broken home, had meaningless one night stands, i was gang raped at 16 and walked in on my first ever boyfriend of 5 years cheating on me. then i was told i was barren and would never have children. I would wait at the train station every morning to go to work and only think about jumping in front of a train. it was the first thing i thought about when i woke up and the last thing i thought about crying myself to sleep. It was inescapable and comepletely consuming.

The way you are feeling right now its heartbreaking. I feel your pain and wish i could help you in any way. if you are going to therapy and its not working you need to tell your doctor this, you sound like you have manic depression (a severe hereditaty form)

This is the same form of depression that i have. I found that no matter how much i talk to people about it, how i change my situation it just wouldnt get better, it only got worse. This is because it needs to be treated with medication. this form of depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and is not something that can be treated by talking. unfortunatly lots of people have it and you just have to learn to live with it.

However if this is not the case or you dont feel comfortable taking medication to control it then you need to speak to someone about going into some kind of care or having a carer stay with you. even if its only for company.

You also sound very very lonely, it might be a good idea to buy a pet, it wont fix things but having someone waiting for you when you get home from work or sleeping on your bed with you might help lift your sadness enough to help you cope with your emotions a bit easier.

Its very overwhemling. But please please remember you are NOT alone, there are a million people who feel the same away you do. and even though it doesnt make it better, it might help to know that there IS help out there for you, you feel as though you are alone but your not, you need to push yourself to get help or things wont get better.

I dont even know you, i dont even know what you look like, but im sending you my love. this morning you woke up and felt you had no one, and now you have a complete stranger telling you they love you.

See how quickly things can change?
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replied September 30th, 2011
i cant even respond b/c i know how you feel...feeling empty unlucky as if your life just wasn't meant to be or youre not as lucky as others...i feel that way 24/7..and my total loneliness is a reminder of that 24/7...im always alone...alone and more alone...no friends, just random lame loser males trying to get laid off virgin me...i had a guy my only boyfriend refused sex with me ever.. to a point where I was almost jealous of raped people and still am because no one has had sex with me...and i feel worthless sexually...that's how bad the mental torture my sociopathic ex did to me by never having sex with me...he made me jealous of women who get raped b/c you think "someones having sex with them at least"?? and sickly i still feel that way ...he even would say to me...oh if someone raped you..you'd say to the guy..wait stop stop....oh More more!! If someone raped you...that would be a GOOD time for you..he said that mocking me b/c he never had sex with me and b/c I was still a virgin...which is horrendous...I went through 12 years of trials and suffering i cant even get into--horror and hell...and its all i went through-- no friends no life just extreme twisted suffering..excruciatingly horrid..to a point where you want to run to a distant desert and just die...you're tortured beyond belief..then after many years of horror and suffering I met a sociopath who was the next trial in my suffering who made sure to never give me a relationship and mentally tortured me to extremes, refused sex with me and used me like a puppet, did [removed by Admin] on me, destroyed my life then pressed false charges on me to destroy me...he just got off on degrading me, humiliating tormenting me and making me suffer to extremes...he was very sadistic and cruel..and evil...while others did horrific things to me too..ive also been totally alone with no friends and no one just people doing cruel things to me.....its horrid what people can do to others in this awful world..and the fact that when youre alone and everyone else is living this maybe nto dream life, but many are-- theyre living a better life....this comfort, this wholeness, this family, while youre torn and broken and have nothing except trauma horror and bad memories and a broken life...

the world sucks...really...i cant even say there is anything out there-- i dont believe it myself, except more tragedy and crap...I think for some of us out there who are 'unlucky' compared to the 'lucky ones'..the oens with the so-called 'normal lives'....we're the ones who dont have it...you shud be thankful or lucky that you do have a lot of good things and that you did progress the way you did...that is a HUGE accomplishment....you've progressed so there is a lot of hope for you...you're still young and your life can be better or will be..those of us...who've digressed and gone nowhere and keep dealing with the same crap the same nothingness and stuck in stagnancy persecution and torment ....that's whats really to worry about...ive gone nowhere in life and i dont think i ever will...and people make sure to stop me in any path I take and try to ruin me or bring me down....i dont have any hope and just try to live every horrid day boring lonely torturous day hoping that after several years I know im going to have a 'crisis and meltdown' realizing what my life has been---full of the same nothingness and hell...more crap ...and maybe just get old and hopefully have to leave this planet....I thought of suicide so many times but never could do it b/c I did believe it would lead to 'eternal hell' one day....so I figure...I have to roam through this horrid planet and life suffering...and witnessing everyone else live the life I wish I could have but know i can't have no matter how hard I try and just suffer...and feel its my fate and theres nothing i can do about it...so im just trapped having to live on this planet and suffer...
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replied September 30th, 2011
Yourlife story is so sad, I can't say anything, don't give up my freind, you 're never alone !
I pray for you.
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replied January 14th, 2012
Look to Jesus
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