Medical Questions > Mental Health > Self Injury Forum

An ex-cutter with a long story and a few questions...

I am an ex-cutter.
I used to cut myself, very lightly. They would be gone by the next day and it'd be as if nothing ever happened.
My best friend also did it. It was and appealing idea to BOTH of us, we BOTH brought it up at a certain time, and we started at the SAME TIME. Just wanted to clear that up before anyone said anything about 'peer pressure' or anything. Because it was BOTH of our decisions and we each had our OWN reasons why.
Alright, so she's my best friend. She has been for a long time. And we had our own ways of doing it. I'd do it a lot, but lightly. She'd do it maybe once or twice at a time, a bit deeper (no not deep enough to cause any actual damage other than light scars) and much less frequently.
I was a cutter because I've had a long family past, full of various heartaches and just plain issues. I live with my grandmother (because YES I am the typical teenage girl and must have a parent/guardian), and to be honest, she has a few MINOR anger issues. She yells frequently and especially over my schoolwork, which I got my first D on year previously. (Keep in mind that this D was a 68 and test-related). So all those feelings of anger and pain had been welling up for years, because I've found that I don't deal with things in any way. I just pretend everything's okay and move on. I keep everything bottled up. Besides that, I was stressing from my first year in Algebra, because at this point in time I was very close to failing, which I have never in my life done. And of course, bullying was a minor issue, and your typical drama that comes naturally with being a teenager. So with all of this on my mind, I began to cut.
We told our other best friend about two weeks after we had begun. She was apalled, telling us that we'd better stop or she'd never speak to us again. First of all, she's supposed to be our best friend! So this was peposterous. I told her I'd stop, but my other friend refused. She really didn't care. She thought this other girl was a b***h anyway. Anyway, a couple of days later, we were all friends again, the girl who said she wouldn't be our friend (let's call her A) was convinced that we wouldn't cut ourselves anymore.
Well, guess what? We lied.
I tried, I honestly did. But after a few days of 'withdrawl' from cutting, I began to feel the urges constantly and I was having a lot of trouble concentrating on anything but the scissors (because I had no access to a knife without my grandmother knowing). So, I began again.
C (my BEST friend who also cut) had still been cutting, which wasn't very surprising.
To avoid any further drama with A, C and I just didn't tell her.
So, one day, when I was having maybe the worst day of my life and A was making fun of me in the bathroom (she was joking, I'm sure, but I was in a mood and she knew it. And she KNEW she should've just left me alone.) So I walked up to her (C, A, and I were the only people in the bathroom at the time) and pulled up my sleeve to show her. She stared at me before shaking her head and walking out. She didn't talk to me for two days. Not being a snob, she just avoided me. So on the third day, she talked to me again. She got called once that day to go talk to our School Counselor. She came back and mumbled something about grades. So C and I just shrugged and said fine. Later that day, she told me that she had gone to our School Counselor. I was so angry, I had to hold myself back from really hurting her. I was THAT p****d. But I TOLD her I wasn't. I told her that I would just let it go. In truth, I knew that I couldn't.
I told C the moment we were in our next class. (A and I had 5th together while C and I had 6th together)
So she was p****d, too, I could tell. And you know what? That period, I made the two deepest cuts I'd ever made. I would've been fine with light cuts, but no. A had to tell the counselor. And not only was I angry, I was ashamed that someone other than the two of them knew, and I was very scared that she was going to call my grandmother.
Guess what?
She did.
Backing up a bit...
C got called out. Before she even got back, it was my turn.
So we had this long conversation. She asked me questions, I answered, I cried, and she told me she had to call my grandmother. We weren't even done talking when school was over. I nearly missed the bus. I cried on my other friends shoulder until she got off, then calmed myself down until I got home myself.
At five thirty, I made sure I was no where near my grandmother when I heard the phone ring.
Five minutes later, she was yelling and screaming and asking me questions like "Do you want to cut yourself right now?!" "Do you want to commit suicide?!" "OR DO YOU JUST WANT ATTENTION?!" Well, I've never been able to talk to her, because of her temper. So, I told her straight answers, like yes or no. I wanted to say...
"Well, yes I want to cut myself, because I NEVER wanted you to find out in the first place, and secondly, your making me feel more ashamed, angry, overwhelmed, stressed, and just sad than I was in the first place. Do I want to cut right now? HELL YEAH I WANNA CUT RIGHT NOW!"
"No, I do not want to commit suicide. In a way, this is a way to KEEP me from committing suicide, which I think about frequently, whether because of you or any other person in my d***ed life! BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE! And this is really starting to change that."
"DO I WANT ATTENTION?! HELL NO I DON'T WANT ATTENTION! I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW IN THE FIRST PLACE, ESPECIALLY YOU! I WANT ANYTHING BUT ATTENTION FROM YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE!"
But, no I did not say those things, I just listened and answered as minimal and honestly as possible. Before the end of the conversation, something really got close to pushing me over the edge.
She said if I ever even THOUGHT about cutting again, she'd use the scissors to stab my wrist, (my right one, because I want to be a writer as she so angrily pointed out) then open them up, and watch me bleed. And right before I was at the point of total blood loss, and only then, she'd take me to a hospital.
My grandmother is not a violent person, in any way. But she IS a very angry person and will yell and threaten me a lot, before calming down and apologizing and telling me she didn't mean all of it the next day.
Which is exactly what she did.
The next day, she broke down crying, me following shortly after.
I explained what I could of my emotions, though I did not even reach the half-way point of expressing my problems in words.
Everything's been alright since then, I suppose.
Both C and I have stopped cutting.
A is our 'friend' again, though I'm not sure I'll ever truly forgive her, as I know C NEVER will.
My grandmother and I have moved on.
I look down and see the two scars very often. I feel ashamed, especially as every memory of those two days wash over me and I hold back tears.
And I just wanted to write this down. Because I have not had a real chance to express this in words. I've had no chance to be heard by anyone but C, who listens to everything I say.
So thank you, for hearing me, as no one else has.
And my questions:
Did my grandmother react in a 'normal' or 'extreme' way? (I feel that it was a tad extreme...)
Could anyone explain why A and my grandmother and everyone else thinks I was trying to kill myself?
Is it strange or troubling that at times I have issues and I know I can't cut, or really don't want to (no matter how bad the urge) I have suicidal thoughts? (I have never and probably WILL never act upon them, and they are not frequent. Only at certain times when I feel desperate.)
Thank you, once again
-S
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replied August 1st, 2011
I think that she probably did respond in a normal way... I'm guessing she was scared, and most probably angry at herself for letting it happen in the first place. The main thing is that she apologized and that you're fine now. I'm sure it really helped to have it out in the open, I never had that with my family when I went through it.

The suicide thing is what a lot of people think, they don't know why anyone would do it if they weren't trying to kill themselves. People need educating about self harm, and why people do it.

It isn't really strange or troubling.. Maybe because I've had them too. Perhaps it would help to talk to someone about them? (Although I would never recommend counselling, I was forced into it and it made me worse) When you do have these thoughts, just think about the reasons why you are not going to act on them, think about you're friends and family, and the life you would never get to live..

In general, remain strong, think happy, and have fun.
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replied August 1st, 2011
Thank you
Thank you so much. Your words made me feel better and I really appreciate it Smile
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replied August 17th, 2011
Yes, they all responded in a normal way.
When my parents found out I cut, they freaked out and thought I was doing it for attention and to kill myself (which is NOT true), I rarely think about suicide, and when I do, I would never act upon them.
People don't realize that I don't want ANYONE to know about my cuts.. I'm quite ashamed of my light scars so now I use other methods of harm that wouldn't leave any traces on my body...
Good job with being cut-free, good luck.
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