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An affair gone very wrong

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I've been with my partner for about 6 years this May, and we got married in September 2008 and we have a lovely son who has just turned 3 recently.
However, things before my marriage were not going to well, and I had felt lonely in our relationship.

I would often talk to my partner about how we need to mix things up, pretend we are dating again and just do more couple things.

He didn’t seem interested and even didn't want to try counselling. So I left it unresolved.

At a college’s birthday party I got really really drunk and ended up in bed with another work college I didn't really know that well.

The worse thing was a couple of days later became pregnant as my normal contraception pill had failed me and was not aware of this until a month later...

Anyhow, after we had slept together we spoke to each other on how it all happened talked to each seriously about what had happened as we were confused. However I can understand I can get carried away and feel amazing when I’m drunk.

We then decided not to really ever talk about this and realise this was a mistake. But then started we started to se each other a week later, I know the reason why... We were two lost causes put together.

He was a loner and had no one and I was in a relationship that I believed that my partner didn't give two hoots about me and I thought that perhaps he wanted me to end it.

3 weeks later I felt , that it wasnt right, that this person wasnt someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - it was just someone to make me feel "me" again - Which I know is very selfish and disgustng)
I wanted my partner and I wanted to make things work with him until he told me it was the end.

And then realised I had just destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me, having a partner that really did love me but not in a way that I dream it to be. I realise not everything can be like in a romance movie, and its what you make it.

I decided to end it and make it clear why, to the person I was having an affair with. The guy, did not take it well, and threatened to kill him self and tell my family and my partner what had happened. And felt that he could only get over it if he could sleep with me two last times.

I said no, and didn't talk to him for awhile...

Then when I realised I was pregnant, I was so scared. I had to tell him, and tell him I was having an abortion. I didn't know who to tell as I was scared. He then agreed to take me to a clinic and then I had one which was awful as it was not done properly and had to go back to the hospital get bits removed.

I had to tell my partner at the time that I had an infection and had to get something removed - I’m sure he knew something was not right.

I was going to kill myself, as all I could think about was ruining my marriage and my son’s life forever.

The guy, won't leave me alone as he keep emotionally black mailing me and keeps threatening to tell my partner but I haven’t the heart to do so as it would end in divorce - and my mother would never forgive me and we have only just mended our relationship in the last few years.

I know I should tell him as I know he deserves the truth but I just don't think I could cope with life and feel uneasy about being alive because feel better knowing that something that I had done so bad to make their lives hell would be to be burried with me and them to have a normal life without the shame.

I know if I tell him i will be exiled from my family and friends and have no idea how to survive.
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replied February 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
HHmmm this is difficult, my advice is to sit down with your partner and explain that when you were having difficulties or whatever you wanna say tell him what happened the truth and ask him to forgive you..good luck jenny
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replied February 3rd, 2009
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I agree with jenny,
All have made misstakes. As we live in this world, there will be times that we will face difficulties of life, some are more severe than others. Explain to your partner how that you made a big misstake, and ask for his forgiveness.
I wish you well. ps. Let us know how things worked out!
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replied February 4th, 2009
Or you could tell the guy whos blackmailing you, that you finally told your husband and now your husband wants to kick his ass. He might just stay away.

I do agree though that you need to talk to him about it. You'll never be able to forget. Your family doesn't need to know. What happens between you and your husband is your business and no one elses.
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replied February 4th, 2009
Thanks guys, But I think whats helping me at all is the fact I was pregnant and had to go through having a traumatic abortion. Do you know what I could do to help me relieve this trauma. I think once I find part peace within myself I feel I can focus and deal with this issue with my husband.
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replied February 4th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Maybe you can seek counselling~!
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replied June 10th, 2009
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honestly i dont know what i would do.
how is this crazy man contacting you, to threaten to tell everyone about your affair. make sure you drop contact from him completely. if he have your cell phone number, delete his message, or change your number.

i would get a protection order agains him, but it might just piss him off, and he may do something crazy. are you talking to him just to calm him down with his threats. this is what i did with my ex, he didnt take out break up very well.
i do agree that you need to consentrate on healing first.
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replied June 10th, 2009
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I know it is hard ... I also have been in that situation however the other man ended up leaving me alone. My partner is un aware and I had to go through the termination alone. The way I have gotten over the trauma is by thinking what would of happened if I kept it .. I wouldn't want my daughter(my partner & I) having another sibling to another man ... also the fact I no longer have feelings for the other man and all he did was make me realise I didn't want anybody else and try to work on my current relationship. I was very sad at the thought of having the termination but I just think I honestly didn't want his child, what a mess my life and my daughter's and partner's would be if I had of kept it. And honestly I just don't look back. And would never dream of breathing a word of it to my partner. If he did the same thing I really wouldn't want to know about it. My advise is tell the other guy that your husband knows and you are going to the police for harrassment if he contacts you again. If he happens to tell your husband then there's nothing you can do about it ... just to apoligize and what not.
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replied December 23rd, 2009
You did the right thing...keep reminding yourself and look forward, not back. I would leave it all in the past and not tell my husband. It may help with your guilt, but he will never trust you again and can remind you about it when you are arguing (they just do). Good luck moving on!
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