i check the list of symptoms from a webpage and reflect on myself. i match most of the symtoms. the only reason to suspect it not is i'm still conscious of my condition. but when i was experiencing these symptoms, i'm not sure i was conscious or not. especially when having a 'breakdown', i cannot control myself.

Blank facial expression: I was not quite aware of my ‘blank’ face until someone on one occasion asked me ‘why do you get so numb?’ I remember at that moment I was quite surprised of how he described me. I became aware that I looked abnormally numb. I observe that I tend to become this numb condition, staring at nothing, when I find no words to say, or don’t know what or how to say anything. I find difficulty of interacting or catching up with other people’s conversations. Or maybe I was in some situations where I’ve got nothing to do, or I feel nothing at all, then I became numb.

Acute senses: I am aware of myself being more and more sensitive to senses. I enjoy sensual pleasures, I do and love artworks that have strong sensual irritation. I would paint colours on a paper, which may not be a concrete thing I was painting but I just enjoy the process looking at the colouring. I listen to psychedelic music, or anything that is strong with different kind of sounds. But at the same time I can’t stand noises I don’t want. For example, I extremely hate the noises made when flushing the toilet. I will close the toilet door. Sometimes I prefer suffering the heat rather than turning on the electric fan because it makes disturbing noises. And I hate very much sitting under the amplifier on the bus. I would examine carefully the best seat which could avoid the noises.

For most of the time, I don’t sleep well.

For normal circumstances, when nothing external happens, I used to feel depressed more. But now I feel nothing more. At least I cannot tell I’m happy or unhappy. Maybe I feel tired of feeling anything. I don’t want to do anything which I have to pay very much effort to. I don’t know. One big change is, I don’t feel anything about things that I used to care very much.

Hypersensitive to criticism, insults or hurt feelings: Yes! Exactly! And I always think people think very negative of me. They may not mean anything, but I cannot help believing they are criticizing or insulting me or hating me.

I’ve got very extreme temper. And my mood can change very fast. Of course I feel depressed too, and also suicidal. But I don’t tend to kill myself. I just let it be. Do nothing. Not killing myself but also not making effort to keep healthy. Let my life decay naturally. I don’t care.

Lost enthusiasm: I don’t know whether I lose my passion. I still have something I want to do, like making arts, making music. But I suspect it’s just within my own world.

Non-functioning social life: I experience great inability to form or keep relationships. I match exactly all the symptoms here! Social isolation, few close friends, little interaction outside of family, increasing withdrawal, most of the time alone, not wanting to be disturbed by other people.

I always talk to myself, sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious (only aware of after going back to normal state). i talk to people that are not really there. For most of the time I think I am another person. I act exactly as another person. I’m not quite conscious of the ‘real me’. The ‘reality’ comes back when I see myself in the mirror, unable to pretend another person anymore. I talk to the these people more than in the past, especially in bad bad times, at very paranoid moments, very depressed, feeling emotionally devastated. I swear at myself. I speak in English in these talks, because i think i was a foreigner. And I’m not quite sure what is the real ‘me’. I even think there’s a inner-ghost in me. I once think that if I cut myself off from this kind of obsessive 'imagination', I would became very lost and very empty, because for all my life my personality and self-identity has been built upon all these. The imagination has become ‘real’ already.

Blocked speech, poverty of words: I find it very hard to express myself verbally. On some occasions, my mind became suddenly blank in the middle of the speech, then I was not able to continue, and even forgot what point I was making (lost focus of my speech). Or I don’t have anything worthy to say. I feel I don’t need to say anything. And I always forgot what I want to do originally.

Thoughts, behaviour and actions are not integrated: I feel myself in broken pieces. The real world and real me is very detached from what I think.

i havef very obvious obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviour.

I always think people are talking/thinking about me, looking at me. And when i am normal, I always tell myself not to think like that. And also always think that people can see through me, read my mind. I always think I’m a genius. I used to have religious delusions. But I still think something in my life is especially for me.

I had rare auditory hallucination. But I’m not sure. The sound/voice seemed louder than just usual thoughts in my mind. But I’m not sure if it is as real as real sound. And I had ‘thoughts-dialogues’ in my mind. It may talk to me. Or I may respond to the thoughts in me.

On some rare occasions, I also feel another type of hallucination, which is, I feel everything is speeding up, including myself and all the movements, speaking, etc of the surrounding people or moving objects. The experience is quite frightening to me. It was like being in a nightmare, everything is strange and speeding up. But this only happens when I am in a bad mental state.
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replied October 30th, 2009
i think the reason i'm 'conscious' of my condition is i'm really afraid of letting people know i'm crazy. for most of the time i try to put myself together in front of people. in one case i felt i was at the blink of a breakdown (where i spoke irrelevant things to people, having irrelevant behaviours and getting totally controlled by my mental forces), i locked myself in the bedroom immediately. such conditions are usually caused by something devastrating that's happened to me.

i'm still in control of myself. but i always worry one day i would totally lose control.
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replied October 30th, 2009
well at least ur realizing it, most cases people cant see it nd think nothing of it. were u under the influence of any drugs at all? or is this jus random episodes? im guesing you dont want to see a doctor about it nd i completely understand but remember we are who we are, nd some things are extremely unfair.. have you ever tried prescription drugs before?
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replied October 31st, 2009
yes i don't want to see doctor...and i don't do drugs

i feel i need understanding rather than curing...i guess all mental patients think this way too. i can't stand ppl don't understand me, examining me like a machine...
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