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Am I rejected? My heart is breaking....

I’m in love with my vocal teacher and I don’t have a clue how he feels about me. Lately when our lessons are over, he’s been giving me hugs. Long hugs. We joke around sometimes and he is always extra nice and accommodating. But, other than the hugs, he has never shown any romantic interest me at all. I’ve been getting nervous at my lessons because of my feelings towards him. I told him it was performance anxiety. I joked around about having a glass of wine before my lesson to make me relax. He actually agreed to it so at the next lesson, we went to his apt which is adjacent to his studio and we had a glass of wine to relax. He showed me around a bit, we had the wine and left. No advances, hints or anything on either one of our parts. We did our lesson and it was fun. When it came time to leave, he gave me one of his long hugs again and then I gave him a kiss. A quick kiss on the lips. I said “I’m sorry” afterwards and he said “don’t be sorry”. I’ve been trying very hard to keep my feelings to myself but after this kiss, I’m sure he knows how I feel.

At my next lesson, he was very sweet but still all business as usual. When it came time to leave, he hugged me for a long time again. He held my hands while talking to me but didn’t try to kiss me at all. I thought for sure one I broke the ice with my kiss last week, he would go for it this time. But he didn’t. He was also waiting for someone to show up but I don’t know if that has anything to do with his hesitation. But I feel stupid now. He is generally very sweet, we talk of personal matters once in a while. But he is mostly business except for his intense long hugs. Does he have any feelings for me? Or is he just appeasing me because I am a paying customer?

I want more than anything to tell him how I feel but I'm so afraid he doesn't feel the same. I feel like I'm dying inside.
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replied October 26th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

I think you can assume he likes you and probably admires you but how much more than that if at all it is difficult to guess.
Some people are naturally touchy-feely and demonstrative and will hug at the slightest excuse.

You don't give your age or his.

A teacher, especially a person of good ethics, is in a position of trust and responsibility and much moreso if he is significantly older than yourself. He will undoubtedly feel it would be unethical and inappropriate for him to make any advances of either a sexual or a romantic nature.
All it would be possible for him would be to send you the signals or give you the openings and hope you took the decision to take things further.

The big question is, is his attitude and mannerisms intended to be openings for you to make sexual or romantic overtures or are they simply his natural attitudes and mannerisms?
Another question is how much do you really know about him? Does he feel free to have a romantic attachment or is there someone somewhere he is already attached to and this is really what has been holding him back.

Clearly you need to discover these things but the danger in doing so could mean finding another teacher.

My instinct is to say he feels the same as you but is also nervous because if he gets it wrong his reputation could be ruined and he could get arrested or at the very least have his face slapped and lose a paying pupil.

Plain language is the answer to this communication deadlock and simply asking if he would like the teacher-pupil relationship to be changed or enhanced would be the logical thing to do but it would be most inappropriate within the confines of his working environment.

I suggest you invite him for lunch or dinner to reward him for his exceptional teaching skills; or there might be a show, a function of some sort or an exhibition you could invite him to.
If he readily accepts to meet you outside work then you are part-way to your answer. If such a none-date is successful and is repeated then you are half-way to your answer and it will be time to ask how he feels and whether he would like to begin dating you properly.

I hope this helps,
Good luck!
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