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Am i in an abusive relationship?

Hi, I'm a 28 male and I'm having a very difficult situation in my hands right now, and sincerely hope that someone here can offer me a personal or professional suggestion.

I'm been living with my mother (divorced mother) and my brother (younger brother) all my life and recently i started having a lot of anxiety and confusion in my mind regarding what im doing with my life, I feel that my life is stopped completely and I isolated myself from most of my friends and I'm really loosing the will to fight for a good life, I feel almost as I have gave up myself.

I have been using most of my income (sometimes all of it, and sometimes I even have to use credit or friends loans) in the monthly expenses at my house for the last 5 years. I asked my mother in several occasions to look for a job in the past years, but she always refuses and used excuses to not work, and today she is older and she is starting with some health problems (like diabetics and high blood pressure) and im afraid that Im never been able to leave this house and make a life of my own.

I have suggested her in several occasions to sell the house where we live and buy a smaller house so we can use the remaining money to have some savings for an emergency and use the rest of the money to live for a couple of years, so she can start a small home based business or study and find a good paying job, but she keeps refusing to sell the house because no one offers the amount that she wants (which is not crazy, but is more than anyone at this point is willing to pay).

My brother is a 25 years old medical student and He states that because of his class schedule and school projects He cant find a job, I understand that however I expect Him to make some home chores in his spare time, which he doesnt do. for example, if we put him to do the dishes, he complains and after a while of arguing with him, he do the dishes with a bad attitude and doesn't take care of saving money, for example he leaves the tv on all night, increasing the electrical bill.

Im not perfect, Im completely aware of that, and I don't want to appear as a complaining victim here. Im just very confused and desperate because in the July of 2012, my last close friend (I only visit 3 friends at this time, i have isolated from my other friends) married and I saw how empty and meaningless my life is, I haven't had a girlfriend since 2002 and i cant allow me to meet a woman because i cant even buy a car nor have anything material to offer. To be honest, i sometimes feel like I dont even deserve a girlfriend or a family of my own.

Because of this, I took the decision to visit a psychologist (which i kept secret from my family) and she advised me to start thinking in me and stop worrying about my mother and brother, since they are old enough to figure out how to make a living for their own.

However i fell like Im being selfish for even thinking about it, but on the other hand i have dreamed with moving from my mothers house since I started working and became independent.

My bottom line question is, Is the psychologist correct and I should gave them the back and move on or should I stay?
Trying to talk things out with my family doesn't work, trust me i have tried so many times without any result.

Any thoughts or suggestions!?
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First Helper verne01

replied December 6th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Yes the psychologist is quite correct - you are in a rut!
Because you are in a rut you can see only walls and a little sky, you do not know you are in a rut and to you those walls give the illusion it is a place of safety...
BUT it is only an illusion!
From outside everyone can see it is only a rut that you are in - a rut that might as well be a prison cell!

Staying at home with a parent or parents might suit some people if they have a good relationship and can get along with each other and are generally pulling in the same direction.

It is not that way with you because neither your mother or your brother respect you and they should both be ashamed of themselves for continually taking and giving little. Your mother has some excuse but your brother has none at all...

A single working man such as yourself should have part of his income to dispose of as he wishes and be able to enjoy the freedom of choice that brings.
A good parent would wish nothing less for the children and should make every effort to encourage that.

It is right and proper and perfectly natural for you to find your own space when the time is right for you to do so - that time is long past!

In truth it would probably be the kindest thing you could do for your brother and to a slightly less extent for your mother because that would force them to begin to live in the real world and to make the required adjustments you are currently insulating them from...
You are not being selfish!

I suggest you offer a compromise of converting your large house into apartments, flats or bedsitting rooms so you could each take one and live independently of each other and each pay rent equalling only a suitable proportion of the costs and upkeep of the whole.
This would give your mother a chance to remain after you and your brother have departed by taking in paying guests, lodgers or students.

You are currently subsidising your brother's education. When he qualifies he is likely to be gone like a dog after a rabbit. I suggest you go first or it will be even harder to leave...

Good luck!
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