Where do I begin?

Depressed all my life even before I knew what depression was.

Parents were anti meds and didn't think a 7th grader could be depressed.

Father wanted a boy. Got me, a girl, instead. Hated me for it. Verbally and emotionally abused me, have no self worth and self esteem.

Lost faith in god before age 8. Was teased by others my entire life for being a crybaby.

High school teachers sent me to on-campus therapists. Got meds after an incident with my constant suicidal thoughts turning into thinking about methods and plans.

SSRIs alone don't work. Have to take 4 meds to function and even then I don't get complete remission.

Once left a job because of suicidal thoughts. Only jobs I have held down were because of personal relationships linking me to my employers or employer sympathy because they had a suicide attempt in their household. That ended with the economy.

I turn 30 soon.

Unemployed. Price on my meds increased, cannot afford them. Can barely function.

Will run out of employment in 4 months or less unless they give me an emergency extension I can be homeless and hope my boyfriend's family takes me in or move far away to live with parents.

Parents want me to find god. Mother doesn't understand depression.

Denied disability based on my bad knees not being bad enough while completely ignoring my mental health assessment where their doctor told me point blank my condition is debilitating. If by some act of god I made it through an interview I probably wouldn't last a week. Huzzah for now having to go through the 2 year appeals process.

No will to live but too cowardly for suicide. The suicide hotline sends me to an uncaring referral line in houston instead of to someone who can give emotional support.

No kids so no access to welfare programs. I guess all those years of no sex drive, not being irresponsible and celibacy really paid off.

Out of resources, almost out of time, out of hope.

What should I do?

Am I even worth saving? If so, why is the system and life out to get me?
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replied February 28th, 2012
Experienced User
Hi SoHo,

Parents can be very ignorant and impose their erroneous thinking upon us, as children.

Too late to fix that now of course. Forget the God thing, that's a fiction.

I'm in Australia so don't know your health system at all really. USA? Except I know the US Health system has been designed for the rich and to ignore those who don't have the money.

You say you are taking 4 meds. WHat are they and what's your diagnosis please. Feel free to not answer if you don't want but I'm just thinking 4 meds may not all be worth having and you could save by cutting back, on doctor's agreemenr of course.

Like you humour about celibacy, tells me you're still in there, waiting and hoping. I too lost interest after years of depression and meds and, to be frank, I think my mind is much more relaxed without that stress being there every minute of the day as it once was. Not many would agree, naturally. Used to rive me mad, truly.

Whatever happens you are never out of hope or resources.

Have you tried a therapy called CBT? Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? All you really need is a book as it's essentially self help. Good if run by a therapist but while the sessions are good as soon as you leave so does that support.

So learning it yourself can be more beneficial.

It's quite simple to understand in that it tells us all depression comes from OUR thoughts. That comes from our perceptions of anything that happens in our lives of course.

The key to it is that we can learn to change what we are thinking about. If we think negative all the time (and I was a champion at doing that), with practice we can stop that and change the thoughts to anything we like.

Understanding it is easy as I said. Practising it? Not easy and takes a lot of effort but once you've managed to do it then it becomes natural. Doesn't mean we don't have bad days, everyone does. But we bounce back quick with CBT, as soon as we remember to do it.

Is there a politician you could see about your disabilty case? If they have ignored your depression they have screwed up. The reason I bring this up is it is election year over there and they will actually be wanting to have people they can say they have helped. Take advantage of that as they can over ride bureacracy if given the facts.

Of course you are worth saving. Who knows what you might become in time, with or without help?

I know too well that feeling that this will never end, never be any better but I am now. Not 100% but no longer have any fear, anxiety, have peace and most importantly, control of my thoughts. And a great shrink too. Here, in Australia, a private shrink only costs me $20 for a half hour as our health system is for ALL, not just the rich. Had it about 20 - 30 years now I think. We pay a little extra tax each year to pay for it. About 1.25% with the low incomer earners paying nothing but getting whatever is needed.

Same with drugs, subsidised by our taxes.

Keep trying, you have hope and that's all you need to get through.
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replied February 28th, 2012
Diagnosis: depression, anxiety. (they also cause insomnia)

SSRI - celexa
NDRI - wellbutrin
I have an incomplete response to both but together they work better than apart. This is an augmentation treatment.

Remeron - tetracyclic anti-depressant. To help with sleep and reduce my symptoms at night.
Klonopin - substitute for ativan as the university charity hospital I am seen at does not carry it. Originally given to help me sleep- also calms my anxiety.

My place of medical raised low income uninsured care costs. I now have to pay 40 instead of 10. You might think that is not much but I live off of about 400/mo. After bills (rent, phone (15/mo), legally mandated auto insurance) I barely have enough for food.

I live in Texas. My joke about celibacy is social commentry. Here there are ample safety net services for mothers with children (regardless of citizenship status). The system kicks non-parrents to the curb.

I doubt any lawmaker would care.

I hired the best disability lawyer in town.

Behavioral therapy is something I have my doubts on: if I could will this away dont you think I would have already done it?
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replied February 28th, 2012
Experienced User
Hi again,

Comments from respected drug sites :

.Remeron (mirtazapine) is an antidepressant used to treat major depressive disorder.,

.Celexa (citalopram) is an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression.,

.Wellbutrin (bupropion) is used to treat major depressive disorder and seasonal affective disorder.

You mentioned 4 meds, but list only 3. What is the other one?

Costs are prohibitive without govt subsidy and certainly destroy our chances of any effective treatment.

Social commentary or not, it was amusing, we are still allowed to laugh and find humour you know. I've had depression since 1961 and have run the full gamut of it's possibilities, so far. I'm sure there are worse things it could do but as yet I have stopped where I feel safe and find life liveable.

You are taking 3 meds that all supposedly do the same things. That is unnecessary. One drug should be able to deal with anxiety and depression, deep depression in one pill.

I know as I have used one that does that, 3 times now. The first 2 times it reached tolerance level and I had to try other stuff, none of which really helped, only partial as you describe.

I am back on this drug now for the third time and have been now for several years. The longest a drug has ever helped me.

It is Effexor and the first 2 times I went up to 550mgs before stopping, all on doc's advice. Since resuming it I have stabilised at 300mgs and IT works. No anxiety apart from what anyone would feel on some days. Like, is my football team going to win? Stupid example but it's like comparing trivia (football) with full blown anxiety which I'm sure you know about and how bad that feels.

My arms and legs used to feel like the blood had run cold in them at the worst. My heart felt like it had stopped and breathing? When I remembered.

So I have found the drug that works for me. You need to do the same as 3 are bound to have contra indications and be competing for the same things to no avail.

Lithium is something that is usually prescribed for Bi Polar but I had it back at my worst, with Effexor. Took 6 weeks but then I was stable. After years of getting nowhere, giving up, despairing and the rest. That is where many give up, because it doesn't work right away. Allow 6 weeks and even then your dose may be too low. I have ascertained that anything below 300mgs is not an effective therapeutic dose but one must start slowly and build up. Take care with it if you use it. Don't miss doses and don't take catch up doses.

You can tell if you've missed a couple of days as you feel little elctric type zaps in your head. That frightens many but with this drug it's a withdrawal sympton, telling you to start taking it again.

It is a serious drug and must be treated with respect, used as prescribed only.

I use a 50 mgs dose of Seroquel for sleep but it is very expensive. I have used samples given to me by my shrink for the last 3 years. Cost=nothing to me. Ask about samples, they all have them.

You doubt any politician would help. It is election year, use it. Lawyers in court are not useful usually as the other side has the best defense lawyers and plenty of them.

You need some real push behind your claim and a politician will achieve that if you have the guts to go see them, with someone, and ask for help. I regularly approach Minister's in our government and always find they over ride any doubtful bureacracy in a stroke of a pen.

Don't be afraid of them, they work for YOU. Don't doubt your ability to describe the problems and relate it to the legislation. If they have excluded your depression then that is a major point to raise. Surely your lawyer could put together something convincing with your help. But don't let the lawyer in on the meeting as politicians and lawyers are brother and sister. Trained liars. You get it yet? You gotta be strong and bulldoze these people.

I too was extremely cynical after doing 2 courses of CBT. I dodn't know what it was before I went and I argued with the presenter at the first session until he gave up and the second attempt was one on one with a psychologist.

That too I could not agree with her and ended up not going after about 7 sessions though as I was desperate.

After those two attempts I wrote CBT off as a fad therapy as I could not make it work. In a session I could as the helper was there. Walk out the door and I couldn't do it.

I bad mouthed it to everyone who listened. My shrink made one point which I now know to be valid. No therapy is useful when one is very depressed. The depression overpowers the therapy and finds holes everywhere. If only we could harness the power of depression and use it for good!.

So, believe me, I thought it was crap too. And wrote it off, forgot about it as just another failed attempt. I had though been through the course and absorbed it all.

About 18 months later I suddenly realised that I had just achieved it, just that once but I recognised that I had taken control of my thoughts. All you do is stop the negative and change the thoughts to another topic.

I have my own method and it killed off that repetetive soundtrach I had in my head for maybe 45 years. Revelation to me. I could decide what to think about yet I always could at work as I had to. Dumb man, slow.

There is nothing in CBT that talks about willing away the depression. That's a common misconception run by people like I was after not being able to use it.

These days I never think about all that old stuff, it's done, resolved, gone but still in the memory banks somewhere. One can never forget.

It's about getting treatment first that is good, the right doc, the right med, the attitude to persist and not self medicate. The courage to keep going even when a med does fail, as many do. You just switch to another. I finally found mine, even after stopping it twice due response levels being reached.

I knew though that it worked so I cam back again. It deals with both anxiety and depression in one pill.

There are more modern versions of Effexor but I'm staying with what I know works.

So first I'd go see the doc and find out why they have prescribed 3 drugs that do the same thing but don't work anyway.

I would see a psychiatrist only first up after getting a referral.

Your doc may have some system for using that many drugs and they are professionals so I can't say it's a crock. But my own experience says it is. Not expert on all those drugs by any means so don't quote me on my opinion.

I wuld encourage you to try Effexor obviously. It can be a hard time when coming off but that lasts maybe a couple of weeks. And in between starting and coming off, if you do, there may be months and months of relief. I risked it. First time off was bad, second time? Nothing at all. Some don't feel anything bad others do. I've had both so I can compare.

But if we judge the effectiveness of drugs by how hard it may be for a few weeks when stopping it then we may never use any at all. For there are horror stories about every drug.
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replied February 28th, 2012
Think poistive luv, you may think the world is out to get you but you make your choices in life and you can change everything. Your parents are not understanding your condition which is ignorant and irresponsible of them as parents.

Get a part time job, instead of full time, take anti anxiety meds like those mentioned from previous comments. Get a pet as this can prove a major improvement in depression, trust me. Hope all goes well and even though this is jusst a health online community, we care about others! be positive Smile
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replied February 28th, 2012
Part of how I cope with anxiety and fear of things is by seeking knowledge. Medicines I take, all four of which were listed (you missed klonopin), are things I am very informed of.

Also, mind you, I am getting treatment from a specialist, not a family doctor.

Different types of anti-depressants work in different ways on different chemicals on the brain.

Serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, are three neurotransmitters targetted by reuptake inhibitors.

Celexa is an ssri: It alters the reuptake of serotonin and serotonin alone. My response to this medication was incomplete.

After trying 3 different ssris I moved onto snri. It is similar to ssri but includes norepinephrine. I was more responsive to this but still lethargic and not completely in remission. This means that both chemicals in my head being altered worked better than one.

Went off snri and onto ndri: norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor. I had energy. Still depressed. Result: restless leg emo go!

So, logic dictates that if AB sorta works and BC sorta works, that A+BC together may yield more complete results. The Wellbutrin + SSRI augmentation treatment is not uncommon. Its even documented on the wellbutrin page of wikipedia. (sometimes people wind up on effexor and wellbutrin at the same time if this fails.)

Why can't I get a SNDRI (or tripple reuptake inhibitor)? Because there are none on the market. There may be some in clinical trials but it will be many years before we ever see it generic.

Klonopin was added primarily as a sleep aide. Its a benzo, this is a documented use for benzos. It also acts as a muscle relaxant and calms anxiety. It effectively squelches my restless mind so I can sleep. It does help.

Remeron was added because my anxiety was still high and remission was still incomplete. It works in a different way than the ssri+ndri treatment. It is not just indicated as a depression med, but is also used for generalized anxiety and insomnia as well.


The last two jobs I worked were part time, paying barely at the substantial gainful activity threshhold of about 1k/mo. I have been asking that much regardless of hours offered, meaning I am willing to work for lessthan minimum wage. Still no dice. It probably has to do with the fact that I can barely function, have no redeeming qualities, and that not even I would hire me.

The lawyer I have retained is a specialist who handled, spefically, getting people who have paid into the system and who were denied support, an appeal decision in their favor. It is more common than not to get refused disability on the initial application. 60%.

I have a red cat. Mew.
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replied February 28th, 2012
Experienced User
Hey Soho,

Well if you've got it all sorted out why on earth are you writing here. Yes, I missed Klonopin.

. Klonopin (clonazepam) is used to control seizures in epilepsy and for the treatment of panic disorder.

Like many drugs any drug can have other side effects which may be of benefit.

You're under a specialist, got the best lawyer in town, know all about your drugs and....

You are getting nowhere. Right?

So how about you either stop boasting about your knowledge here and admit it is NOT working. 3 anti depressants together is not useful, never has been. Your specialist is not special at all else you'd be feeling Ok now wouldn't you?

Good luck using the overpriced lawyer.

Just don't bother asking for advice or help if you know it all.
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