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All I really need is someone to talk too.

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Hello.. My name's Josh. I've found this forum several times whilst typing random things into google, so I thought i'd sign up... It looks as if it's a good place to vent. I'm not 100% sure why i'm about to write what i'm about to.. Maybe I just want someone to know. Maybe I just need to get it out. I dunno.. But if anyone out there is willing, i'd appreciate an ear on the other side of the world to hear me out.

I'm currently 19 years old. Once, when I was around 12-13 years old, I thought about killing myself. I felt upset one day and cried harder than I ever had. At the time I thought i'd just get over it and feel better for letting it out. I felt that feeling for a few more days which turned into weeks. Weeks then turned to months and I still felt like killing myself. Months eventually became years and though it's a more mature feeling that i've built a tolerance to, it's still there. It eventually just became my new skin. I've learnt how to tolerate and live with it but that doesn't stop me from feeling it harder than ever from time to time.

When I was 15 I took a knife to my throat and began to cut. I was doing work experience at a theatre and the knife was a prop. The stage manager had walked in just as I begun, so I freaked out and ran off. By the time that the room was empty again, it was hours later and I had enough time to gather my senses. I told myself that i'd never let it get that bad again. Several times came close, but I always found a way to fight it back. Recently I had bad luck with a girl I fell in love with who simply didn't love me back. This caused things to get THAT bag again. I'm afraid all over again to be myself. I'm scared to be left alone which is all I know anymore. I have no physically close friends who I can see regularly. All my friends (Which aren't many) all live so far away from me. It's terrifying to live like this. At any moment I feel like i'm going to lose control and hurt myself again and again. I don't want to die. I have dreams and goals I need to fulfil but i'm subconsciously trying to kill myself. I starve myself for days on end. I find it really hard to sleep one week and then the next week I sleep so much that I miss full days. I'm waking up outside my house on the cold concrete driveway. I'm suddenly blinking and realising that i've just been beating the absolute life out of myself.

You see, the thing is, I live in my own world... Entirely. Nobody else exists in this world that I slip into. This tends to cause problems because I don't pay attention to reality and my body goes on autopilot. This usually means that i'll go and find some way to hurt myself. It's a scary thought.

Recently it's just getting too hard to be alone. I've never had anyone to talk to in person. I've never had someone sit with me and wait 'til i've cried it all out. I put up such an act and wall whenever i'm with people. I don't like to make other people feel down or uncomfortable, so i'm always trying my best to be the funny entertaining guy in person. I don't like it when people have a bad time around me. I hate being called boring or a drag or whatever. But I wish that at least once when I really need it, that someone would force it out of me. I always tell people that i'm fine and not to worry about it but really inside i'm screaming HELP ME!
There's another reason though.. I don't like to vocalise my depressing thoughts. I hate the way it sounds out loud. There's never anything physically wrong, which just makes me feel like a pathetic loser. Apart from being repulsive to girls, I don't think there's much I can really complain about. I mean, I have a boring dead end job that provides no human communication, i'm repulsive to girls and have only ever had one girlfriend (2 years ago)... Okay, so I have a fair bit to complain about. But really, it's all the stuff in my head that is the problem and I hate the way that it all sounds when I say it loud. Maybe it's just because nobody has ever made me talk to them in person about it but I just don't like the tone and inflections of my voice when I speak. I talk to myself when i'm alone and it just sounds painful said aloud. So I have never had anybody actually "there" for me. It hurts. My closest friends said they'd always be there but they never really are. When they are it's just across the internet. It's not the same. It only helps temporarily. I NEED someone to talk to face to face. I don't even care if we talk through my crap, I just want to have one of those talks in person. I just as much wish that I could be there for someone but I never get the chance 'cos my friends live so far away from me. I only have 4 real friends and I made the stupid mistake of falling in love with one of them and another one i'm becoming distanced from slowly.

Sorry that this is all very unstructured.. I'm just typing as thoughts come to mind.

I'm a pretty simple person. I don't like complicated drama. I just like to relax and let go of the world even when it's impossible to forget everything. All I really want is someone to talk to.

I could go on and on and on but I think this might be long enough already. I just don't know if i'll ever be fixed. I'm broken and I don't know if i'll ever feel happy again. I feel like i'm going to suffer for the rest of my life.

But hey.. I'm 19. I've felt this way for years and i'm sure it'll never go away. I find ways to get through each and every day. I don't need advice, I don't need someone to tell me a bunch of used up cliches, I just need someone.

If anyone wants to talk their problems through with someone or needs a random outsider to speak to, please message me on this site (Can you do that? I just joined so I don't know). It actually makes me feel better personally if I can help someone else feel better... Even if it's just to listen and be there. I know the whole point of my thing is that it doesn't help over the internet, but that's just me. I'd love to hear from others, hear your stories, feelings etc. I know what it's like when nobody else cares. Trust me, I don't know you, but I care. It does help to even just vent, like i've just done above.

Thank you for reading... Much love.
- Josh
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First Helper User Profile MMEggman
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Users who thank MMEggman for this post: healthy171 

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replied April 27th, 2011
Wow, I can't read this and not reply :/ I'm 16, so, I mean...it's cool if you don't take me seriously. But, um, like what you did with that knife, I've never actually DONE stuff like that, but thought about it a LOT, like, to the point where I was holding the knife in my hand, but I never actually did anything with it.
It's a strange feeling. I just want to see myself bleeding and I really have the need to just tear myself apart, but I'm scared to die, I don't want to die.
All the people who said they'd be there for me gave up, and they told it to me straight to my face.
I spend my days just sitting at school, I have a very quick, very foul temper that just puts people off. In other classes, however, I'm always the funny one and stuff, and some people really seem to like me but, you know, I can't help but push them away with words and such and so I never develop any close friends.
While I may not entirely share your experiences or fully understand you, I want you to know that I am here for you Smile
Feel free to message me here. Add me on Facebook (message me for my name) if you've got one? Or text me. I can't call- between school and physical therapy, I haven't got much time :/
I care about you, please hang in there Very Happy
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Users who thank AllenSeizmik for this post: MMEggman 

replied April 28th, 2011
Hello,

My name is Isis and i know how you feel, my dad is a murderer, i have been to 12 diffrent foster homes in the past four years my mom and me dont get along, and things arnt as great. i have friends that i can talk to but i have tried to commit suicide before. it seems what your going through is anxiety. i have had many anxiety attacks. it feels very wierd to have anxiety. it is horrible it feels like the devil is just taking you and making you feel terrible. but god has a plan for you. i used to be like an athiest and not belive in god, but i ran away from home for two months and my boyfriend left me in the woods to die. i was sick, and scared. i prayed to god and it was the most wonderful feeling. since i truley found god everything has been going positive. you have to give up things you love so he can give love back. im not supposed to say thins on here, but smoke marijuana, it makes you happy. and its an herb. but if you dont want to, its okay. it helped me. and just try and love life, dont conntiplate suicide it is sin. the reason why your feeling these thought is because god is making you feel them because suicide is going against god. if you killed yourself . you'd go to hell. im very east to talk to, and ive been through more than you could ever imagine. but just trust me, and if you ever need a person to talk to, add me as a friend, and ill give you my number or something. dont worry about anything. i will not judge you, and im a great person. just live life like theres no tomorrow. be happy. smocke herb. (which also gives you the munchies). Smile but really, talk to me, i can help you. im not gonna be awkward or anything. dont worry. listen to three little birds, by bob marley. that song always cheers me up. love life.

Aloha Oi' - Isis.
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replied April 28th, 2011
oh my god you poor man,am so sorry if you need someone to talk to am here for you ,you are a special person and good hearted just because you dont have friends you hurt your self you know what crying really helps when ever you feel depressed just go to your room close the door and cry or bring a friend and cry in there arms am so moved , i think you are my role model xoxoxo dont forget that you must love yourself more then the girl you fall in love that dosnt worth a thing am so sorry for the words but its true she doesnt woth you hurting your self
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Users who thank sashaInroses for this post: MMEggman 

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replied April 28th, 2011
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You are my kind of friend,dear friend. Maybe i'm much more older than you,but i understand you so well,i know exactlsy how you fell,because i fell the same way as you are...I need someone to talk to,a friend,a stranger,it just doesn't matter...only a human being. So,if you want to ask me something that can help you,as an advice from an older person,please be free to contact me here.i'll add you as a friend.I care about you:)
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Users who thank Biby for this post: MMEggman 

replied May 1st, 2011
im 17 yr old girl who is being abused
i tried to msg u but its nottttt working

i really need sumone to talk to also plz msg me if anyone can
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replied June 15th, 2012
just need to let it out
hey i am scared and want someone to talk to i do know what to say i am alone i have loved but now its gone i think about the person alot and think of ways to be better or be stronger but every now and then it happens and i am alone i want love the one i lost and wonder if i should just leave this world i am so sad idk i am sorry about you i am 21 and life is hard to me maybe its cause i do not have that love i am needing or some one to care for idk i want to be happy i cant cry i tear up but i cant i was over seas and though about puting the m4 to my head and pulling the trigger i was over seas and the person i loved told me to never talk to them again i did nothing wrong just was a friend i wonder if i will ever find taht again or be alone for ever how can you deal with that love someone who will never love you and you try to see other people but you know you cant love them becasue it does not feel like love becasue you know what it feels like and you want to die i thought of going sf just to deploy and doing good if i die when i got back i went sky diving just looking for something trying to be happy and a part of me wanted the shout not to open when i jumped but it did i try to be perfect my best to do all and what i can but i do not know even if i will ever be good enough i try so much idk why did i have to find someone like that just to feel alive then dead i cant talk to anyone becasue i do not truse anyone so i am writing i want to cry i know my life is not bad but i feel dead inside like i am in a hole and wont ever see the light so fked up in the head why ty for listening i hope you are better and find your way out
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replied May 5th, 2011
Experienced User
truetoyou wrote:
im 17 yr old girl who is being abused
i tried to msg u but its nottttt working

i really need sumone to talk to also plz msg me if anyone can


I'm here for you,truetoyou....You can message me anytime you want. I'll talk to you.
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replied May 5th, 2011
You just put into words what I am feeling and how my life has been. The difference being that I do have friends that I can meet up with in person. I really don't want to be a burden to anyone and when I am around them I put up a front and only tell half truths about how I am feeling. My mum walked in on me with a knife when I was 15 and almost every day at the moment I think about suicide. I am sabotaging my life - at university and work and I feel stuck in a downward spiral. I know the techniques people try to suggest and I don't need advice either. Thank you for posting x
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replied May 5th, 2011
It sounds as though you need help and fast. Have you tried speaking to your Dr? S/he would be able to offer you advice/somebody to talk to (possibly a referral to a counsellor or therapist) and medication if appropriate. What you are experiencing is not normal and you shouldn't have to put up with it..things can get better. I wish you all the best!
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