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adderall Rx addiction, depression, suicide, polysubstance abuse

I am going to be dead within the year if I don't do something drastic. Please help me if you can ...

I have struggled with severe recurrent depression and variousaddictions my whole life.
I've worked in Drug courts, owned a Tx center, graduated in Psych and addiction, and I've fine-tuned the "doctor shopping" habit to a point that I don't even know when I'm manipulating anymore.
Point is: I have been at best, passively suicidal up to writing letters and watching the train go by, fantasizing about jumping in front of it. Or the exact placement of a .45 to the brain regions to ensure success ...
I was like this before the adderall, but the adderall has destroyed what life I did have left over the last 3 years.
I have 3 doctors prescribing 60mg daily and that's often not enough (easy math)- a lot of adderall.... (100-200mg per 24 hrs approximately),
I've participated in 12 steps intermittently since I was 16. I'm 33. I have a very negative and distrustful view toward psychiatry/psychology/12 steps/etc. For secondary reasons...
With this in mind, I do not realistically see any possibility of successfully detoxing and/or recovering from the adderall addiction - even if I entertained the idea of long-term residential Tx (I won't- I've done it too many times- a dozen or more long-term for a variety of reasons -depressive/borderline/polysubst./etc. Etc.
Treatment isn't enough and I can promise that the only thing keeping me from taking my life (and no "passive attempt") crap- is the Adderall maintenance (and light-to-moderate benzodiazepine use - .5-1.5mg per day (alprazolam or lorazepam)).
I have absolutely no desire to live for any reason at all now or in the future.
Basically, i'm waiting for my dad to die so he wont know. SSRI's don't work for me. Mood stabilizers don't work.
Anti-convulsant/anti-psychotic/tricyclics/ whatever- don't work.
If I take away the Adderall, I don't see how I'd survive even MORE severe depressive symptoms..?? A lot of factors are at play here (my dad is dying soon, grandmother is dying, counselor did some.. Unethical things best left for another day.., best friend left, both cats are dead "best friend" passively killed one by neglecting to feed them when I was in treatment two years ago...- I dont trust ANYONE- not my family/friends/no god, nothing like that), blah, blah, violin plays, & blah.), but I am throwing this out there because I have nothing to Lose-
I don't believe anyone out there can truly empathize with many of my potential hurdles, (but I'd love to be proven wrong)....
Again, I have nothing to lose. I don't expect a solution- a viable one at least. But, I thought I'd give it one more shot.

Anyone care to SUGGEST SOMETHING?? Anything? I'll become a Hindu if I thought it would help. Its too complicated for that, and religion suggestions won't be seriously considered- unless You're REALLY persuasive...!

---If I had the means, I've even considered ECT - but my dad's cancer treatments plus ECT would be impossible (considering I have no friends to help out, I'd need a family member for that to work for transportation/expense/etc.).
--- ???
Every doctor I've seen (or therapist/etc) has given up on me. My psychiatrist recently died of a heart attack 2 month ago.. (one of them)...
Thanks for your time... DAH (desperate)
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replied January 27th, 2012 still out there? Just came across your post by doing my own desperate search of sorts for a site that could help or at least relate to my own depression (to put it mildly) and adderall dependence. Anyway, I don't have anything profoundly insightful but damn, I heard you on many familiar levels. Email me or something.
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replied January 27th, 2012
Experienced User
wow. that was a lot. im not going to pretend to understand exactly what you're going through. im mainly in the self harm forums, and mental conditions. that is where i am most knowledgable. but there is something that you said in the last part of this that i wanted to ask you about... do you think that maybe the doctors/therapists, didnt really "give up on you" but instead, maybe they felt as though they were unequipped to handle your situation? but even if that was the case, they still shouldve been able to refer you to someone who COULD help you...

if you dont mind, i have a few questions for you...- to better understand what is going on so that i can try to help you...
1) what does your dad have that he is dying from?
2) what was your childhood like?
3) can you function properly without the medication (DO NOT try though without a doctors consent)?
4) what is your view on life and living? ...

those are just some questions that i had... if you feel comfortable sharing, id like to know the answers to better help you...
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replied May 13th, 2012
my beautiful 41yr old daughter killed herself 3 wks ago. she was abusing adderal, she had lost a lot of weight..she looked bad..i discussed this with her, she was a physician assistant, she knew the signs, i wanted her to come home and get under a dr. care, instead she put a shotgun in her mouth and blew her head off. i don't understand why a dr prescribed adderal for her, she didn't have adhd..she needed that extra boost to get going in the morning,,my heart is broken, and i am angry
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