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Abusive Relationship - Not sure what to believe need guidance

I have read these things over and over again but i feel that everyone has a very specific situation which always calls for different answers. I am posting this hoping someone can give me some guidance on what I should do.

My (ex) fiance and I are currently separated due to a continuous pattern of abusive and unhealthy behavior. For a little background we have one child together and are having another in January. He clearly has anger problems and is diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder which I should have taken more serious in the beginning of our relationship. He would do things such as breaking phones and/or my laptop however that was as far as it ever went or little arguments.

In the beginning of this year we separated due to continual fighting however we decided to still work on things. The first time he put his hands on me he had come over so that we could talk and i said something he didn't like. He grabbed me and threw me into a chair and the neighbor heard us and called the police. He went to a hospital and I forgave him he promised me it would never happen again. However, a few weeks later I asked him if he would come over and watch our son so I could sleep which he agreed to and when he started to argue with me I asked him to leave. He hit me badly this time I had a black eye and some swelling and bruising on my face as well as a concussion. At this time I had made a mistake in the relationship and had slept with someone else and I put some of the blame for his behavior on myself and after speaking to him and his agreement to go to couples counseling I decided to let him move back in.

Everything for the next few months was fine. We still weren't getting along great but there was no abuse whatsoever. Now just about a month and a half ago we got into an argument over a man who must of had the wrong number texting my phone however he thought I was lieing about it and we got into a bad argument. I told him I was going to leave (which I was doing just to try to calm the situation and he took as im packing and leaving) so I had my son in my arms going towards the door and I am currently pregnant as well he came up and hit me to the ground with my son still in my arms. He put my son in his crib and continued to hit me. Eventually I got him to leave and calm the situation. He came back about an hour later and since I had taken the house key took a brick and beat the door down and destroyed another window and one of the tvs in the house. I packed my stuff that night and moved to another town where my mother lives for safety reasons.

He has since apologized to me a million times he bought me presents and stuff for our son. I told him that those things were unimportant and that as of right now I do not accept his apology. I told him he has to get a stable job and keep it, enter counseling, and give me time and space until I feel comfortable in public places and then we can go to that and then build from there. He told me he is fine with this and has been very understanding for the most part but he is still having small spells i can tell where he is getting angry. I am just trying to keep my distance but I am really not sure at this point what I should do or how I should handle this. I want him to get help and get better so that if nothing else he can be a good father and a healthy role model for our kids but i'm very scared and I don't know if it's possible for someone to change. But I do honestly love him very much and have hope that its possible for someone with this behavior to change.
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replied October 26th, 2012
You cannot change him no matter what you do. He has a problem and it is up to him to do something about it. He has to get professional help and attend anger management if he is to change.
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replied October 27th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Yes it is possible for a person to change but don't hold your breath because it doesn't happen overnight or even in a couple of months.
It can take some people half a lifetime to make the change as it can take the combined effects of therapy, acquired experience and a slowing down of the body's own hormone production before another person is produced - and that is the people who haven't been diagnosed as bi-polar!

Even with good therapy it can take a couple of years for anger management to show favourable and reliable results!

With a high scizophrenia level, you must realise, it is not really your fiance who is beating you or breaking stuff - your fiance's Dr. Jeckyll side will be dispassionately observing the Mr. Hyde side of his personality doing those things and consequently after he has calmed down and Mr. Hyde is again absent, Dr. Jeckyll will feel no (real) remorse because the furious rage wasn't his own.
Very often such a person will blame his or her victim for saying or doing "the wrong thing" which caused Mr. Hyde to emerge in such an uncontrooolable way...

We all have a scizophrenia level (a Mr. Hyde side to our character) but in most well-adjusted people with a level "that is within the bounds of normality" such mindless rages are very rare as the individual concerned is able to exert control except under the most extreme provocation.
Normal interpersonal relations could never provide such extreme provocation.

From what you have said I suggest you are extremely cautious about your relationship with your fiance, especially considering the presence of children.

It is possible he has been misdiagnosed or his condition has worsened and he needs to be medicated. I suggest you have a private interview with his doctor before you decide on the best course for your future relations and in order to understand him better.

Good luck!
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