Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Abusive Relationship. My Story [Long]. Need Advice.

I apologize in advance for the huge wall of text coming up.

I met my boyfriend on a dating site. When I first met him everything was wonderful. He was so nice, so kind, so smart, and an all-around great guy. I literally thought he was perfect. Almost instantly, I fell in love.
After only a month of being with him, I discovered that he was still setting up dates with girls on the dating site. I have no idea if he actually went on dates with girls while being with me, or was just talking to them. I guess I'll never really know.

Knowing that he was actively 'exploring his options' tore me apart and I came so close to ending it all and moving on. However, I didn't and I forgave him. He promised he would never do it again. Haha! Sure! I was an idiot for believing that one!

After a few months into our relationship, I moved in with him. This was due to really bad problems at home. I felt like I had no where to go and he let me move in with him. This, I thought, was extremely kind of him. Especially since I had no job at the time and no way to really get a job because I had dropped out of school to get away from my family.

Things went very well at first. We got along fine. We never fought. Everything was perfect still. Our relationship, besides the dating site thing at the beginning, was virtually flawless and I was so happy with him.
At times, I could tell that he wanted me to try and make up with my Dad and move back in with him and go back to school... but I never really did. I ended up staying with him.

Eventually, things became suddenly bad. At about 5 or 6 months into our relationship and about 3 months into living there... he slapped across the face. I was sitting beside him on the floor and cheering him on as he played a video game and suddenly he struck me across the face. He claimed that it was because I was "annoying him" and said he would never do it again.

Another promise that he would never do something bad again.

Weeks later I went on vacation to Arizona with my Dad. By this time my Dad and I were speaking again and he really wanted me to go out west with him for just a week or two. I did go out to Arizona and almost immediately my boyfriend began ignoring me. For the first few days he texted or messaged me via facebook constantly. A few days later I was lucky to hear from him just once a day.

Out of the blue, about 5 days into my vacation, he messaged me saying that we needed to talk. He wanted me to move back in with my Dad. Of course, I was devastated and completely freaked out on him. I broke down crying thinking that he was breaking up wth me and no longer had any interest in me. In later messages, my boyfriend told me that I was bigger than any other girl he has been with (I am 5'2" and 150-ish lbs). He also told me that he wanted to "make me into his perfect girl" this meaning that I needed to get covered in tattoos and piercings. This almost meant that he wanted me to be more sexually open to threesomes and the like. I was not up for that at all.

Those messages completely destroyed me. I had no idea what I did wrong and what I did to deserve being told that I simply wasn't good enough for him and too fat for him (or so he made it seem by the messages). I spent the remainder of my vacation on the couch crying; beating myself up for something I could control at all - the way I looked. Sure, I could lose weight and get tattoos and piercings, but I didn't want to. I was pretty okay with the way I looked. I wanted him to love me for who I was not for someone he could mold me into.

Because I was depressed and wanting to do absolutely nothing on vacation but cry and brood and worry about my return to my boyfriend... this caused a huge fight between my Dad and I. He was beyond livid that I was acting this way on his vacation. On this vacation I had constant panic attacks. I couldn't even leave the house we were renting. I was terribly stressed... as stupid as it sounds.

When I did go back to my boyfriend's place... things were awkward for a while. We didn't really speak to each other. Eventually though, he acted very happy to see me and things went back to their usual way. He still wanted me to move back home with my Dad though. For some reason, I stayed. It was a dumb decision, seeing as how I was pretty much forcing him to be with me... but things did get better.
That is, until I found out he was "trying" to meet girls while I was in Arizona via a dating site and facebook.

Him trying to meet other girls, ask them on dates, or possibly "hook up" with them has happened 4, maybe 5, times since I have been with him. As of now I have been with him for about a year and a half.

Eventually, I did get to a point where I tried to leave. When I did this, he disconnected the internet, hid the phones, and refused to let me call someone to pick me up. He says really terrifying things like "if you just obey me we won't fight" and "you're not useful to me if you're not doing what I say."

Right now, we fight probably every day. He gets mad at me over the smallest things. He rages, literally RAGES, over video games, the way his hair looks, little things I do... etc...

He sometimes calls me retarded when I make mistakes... an idiot, clumsy, a bag of sh*t, useless, worthless, annoying, irritating, etc. If you name it, he has called me it.

Eventually, I got to where I would completely breakdown mentally when he would yell at me and call me names. I started throwing things and attacking him when he would do this. It was wrong of me, but I literally couldn't help myself. I would (and still will) just explode on him when I reach my end.

Our fights have gotten only more violent. I have been punched in the back and stomach, slapped, choked, had my hair pulled, thrown, forced to have sex, etc. I have hit him with things such as broom handles and whipped him with cords because he was grabbing me or simply because he was screaming at me and I didn't know how else to respond.

I realize that hitting him, even in response to him yelling or being rough with me first, is bad and I absolutely should not do it. However, if you have been in a situation like mine, I hope you understand. It is like you see nothing but red. When you are being screamed at, told you are retarded, that you are a c*nt, etc... you lose your mind.

Also, he has locked me outside of the house and forced me to get out of the car in town then leave me behind as he drove off.

Recently, while we were at his Mom's, she heard him screaming at me (he didn't know she was home) and she told me the next morning that he would treat her the same exact way and that I deserved better.

I don't know if I was more relieved or scared. I was relieved to know that it wasn't just me and that I wasn't the crazy one (although he claims that me and his mother are just "psychos" and worse than him).

I tried to talk to him about his anger calmly and he just started screaming at me, telling me that I am patronizing him and that I am the psycho and make him the way he is.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I love him more than anything (as idiotic as it sounds) and I want to be with him, but I feel like I absolutely cannot continue a relationship (of any kind) anymore if he does not find help for his anger.

I am absolutely willing to find help to control myself for throwing things and attacking him when under pressure. I realize there is something wrong with me and I do want help.

He implies that he does nothing wrong and I am the one who starts the fights. He won't even recognize that he has some anger problems.

I realize, reading back on this, that I come off as a completely idiotic girl with no respect for myself and no brains at all. I am willing to accept that. I am still with him and some days are better than others. Some days I am the happiest girl in the world and want to spend the rest of my life with him... and other days I am miserable and suicidal.
I guess I am just too scared of being alone because I don't really have family that I can rely on 100%. I know this will happen, but please don't mock me and call me an idiot. I hear enough of that. I do love him and I feel like he does love me in some way.

What I want to do... is find some way to make him find help for himself. He won't admit it, but he does have anger problems that need to be dealt with. As I said, I have problems too. I recognize them and want help. Even his mom sees that he needs help.

This is the first "real" relationship I have been in. I am terrified that all relationships are like this. I don't want to make every guy I am with like this. I feel like I am just destined to be in abusive relationships.
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replied June 18th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

When you were a "normal" happy girl before you knew this guy, what advice would you give to a friend who had a boyfriend like you have now?
I expect you would tell your friend to get the hell away from him as quick as possible. That is what you know you must do now and you know how foolish it is not to take your own advice.

I won't mock you and call you an idiot because if you get away from him before one of you gets locked away for really hurting the other you will spend lots of time calling yourself bad names.

People can get used to anything; can be conditioned to be obedient, or to be sex slaves or almost any kind of slave at all.
You are slowly and surely being conditioned by him, fortunately you are stronger than most and are rebelling and resisting but slowly and surely your personality is changing and he is wearing you down.
Eventually you will become too tired to fight and too tired to leave and it will just be easier to be obedient.

You can forget about trying to change him into a decent fellow because it simply won't work. People have a hard time changing if they recognise they have a problem and want to change but not only does this one believe he hasn't a problem he clearly is happy with his behaviour. Even if you could coerce him into therapy it would be unsuccessful.

From your description I feel his problem goes deeper than immaturity or relatively mild personality disorders but is in fact bordering on a potentially serious psychosis and/or complexes of the mind. The very fact he does not question his own reactions to situations but blames the insanity of others for his troubles indicate his view of the world and self are more than a little maladjusted.

There are several possible scenarios for his future; it is possible he will meet a personality who is capable of dominating him completely and that person clearly isn't you or his mother, he will experience a crisis of some sort which will force him to recognise his problems and seek therapy or he will fall foul of the Law and be forced into therapy in order to avoid going to jail. It is also possible age and experience will eventually provide him with coping mechanisms but that is unlikely any time soon.

In a way part of his problem is probably your own personal or sexual chemistry simply rubs him the wrong way for no apparent reason. Some of the nicest people have that effect on each other and become like scratch-cats when in close proximity to each other.
It is a sad fact of life some people simply cannot be together.

While the love you say you feel for this guy is probably more of an infatuation, let us for a moment assume you know what you are saying, even though this is your first relationship.
More than half of the divorced and separated couples still love each other and some of them deeply. Each and every one of them went through a great deal of pain before they realised love is rarely enough to make a relationship work. These people are apart because they simply cannot be together.
Think of the millions who have realised through experience what logic must have told them many times before they eventually parted. You can save yourself a lot more heartache and possibly physical pain by learning from the knowledge of millions.

The outside world is scary but you were single once for years and you managed until you learned to be a girlfriend. You can learn to be single again.

Few people can rely on their families all the time and lots of people cannot rely on them at all. It is for that reason why we develop a support network of friends - we can choose our friends while our families are often an unfortunate fact of life.

The problems you think you have are not really problems at all but are simply reactions to the adrenalin pumping through your system as a result of the conflicts with your boyfriend. You are experiencing something of the flight or fight reaction to danger that is instinctive in humans when threatened. As you fight rather than run away you are obviously a lion person rather than a rabbit person and it is probably this fact alone that has both caused your boyfriend to be more angry and has helped you resist his conditioning.
I am referring mostly to subliminal, instinctive things left over from primitive times.

When you are away from his influence and among people who treat you as a "lady" you will soon begin to behave like a lady once more instead of an Amazon.

Not all relationships are abusive and those that are have a variety of reasons for being abusive. It isn't always the man who is the aggressor and the abuse isn't always verbally or physically violent.
Most relationships are tolerable; mostly because the people in them don't put the work in them to make them better than tolerable. A few relationships are good and a few very good and for different reasons which it isn't the time and place to go into in detail but it isn't about story book definitions but rather about expectations being met and everyone having different expectations and therefore a different definition of what is good.

You will gain knowledge and experience as you go and that will turn into insight and wisdom. Every year for the rest of your life you will be able to look back and see how it multiplies...

I strongly advise you to cease trying to analyse what is happening to him and to you. This is like a hamster on an exercise wheel going endlessly on a journey to nowhere and all it will bring is frustration and mental and emotional exhaustion and probably eventual depression. That is the last place you need to be!

I strongly advise you to simply accept this relationship is wrong for you and is corrosive to your personality. Don't think, do!
The longer you hesitate to leave the harder it will get.

You should be your own top priority but your dad deserves a sort of apology and when you have a job and some money you should take him away on a vacation that isn't going to be spoiled by senselessly weeping over a boy you hardly knew.

Good luck!
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replied December 13th, 2013
Well, this is a really late response, but thank you to both he replied to this.
Since I wrote this, I have broken up with him and moved back home. It was his decision, but it is probably the best thing that he is ever done for me.
For a long while he asked me back, but I think he's finally given up.
I am happier now, for the most part, but it is hard. I can't help but really hate him for everything we went through.
Once again, thank you for everyone who responded. It helped a lot!
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replied June 19th, 2013
Hi Z: (1) The best you can do is to work fulltime on yourself and your own relationship with your Dad, family, school and career goals. When you are focused on doing all YOU can to change and straighten out YOUR life, that puts pressure on him to do the same. you cannot control another person, so the sooner you let go of this idea, the better. For you and for him. When you have your path on the right track, you will natural align with others doing the same. Either they will get with the program or get out of your way. (2) As for your differences in expectations or conditions: for the right person these won't be an issue to resolve; for the wrong person, nothing you can do will be good enough. Work on yourself first, get independent where you don't depend on either your dad or bf to have a place to go; and half your problems will take care of themselves. once you have your own space you control yourself, you can sort out the rest WITHOUT these weird control issues getting in the way. most of that is coming from the fact that either you are under your Dad's roof or your bf. so you will always run into conflict with them if your terms are different from the rules of their turf. you have to get out from this unequal space first, before you can resolve other issues. Things will work out, but you need to focus and work on yourself first BEFORE your relations with others. And never try to change or control someone else; only work on your side of the equation and leave their side to them. or else you will always fight.
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replied June 19th, 2013
Hi Z: (1) The best you can do is to work fulltime on yourself and your own relationship with your Dad, family, school and career goals. When you are focused on doing all YOU can to change and straighten out YOUR life, that puts pressure on him to do the same. you cannot control another person, so the sooner you let go of this idea, the better. For you and for him. When you have your path on the right track, you will natural align with others doing the same. Either they will get with the program or get out of your way. (2) As for your differences in expectations or conditions: for the right person these won't be an issue to resolve; for the wrong person, nothing you can do will be good enough. Work on yourself first, get independent where you don't depend on either your dad or bf to have a place to go; and half your problems will take care of themselves. once you have your own space you control yourself, you can sort out the rest WITHOUT these weird control issues getting in the way. most of that is coming from the fact that either you are under your Dad's roof or your bf. so you will always run into conflict with them if your terms are different from the rules of their turf. you have to get out from this unequal space first, before you can resolve other issues. Things will work out, but you need to focus and work on yourself first BEFORE your relations with others. And never try to change or control someone else; only work on your side of the equation and leave their side to them. or else you will always fight.
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