Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Abusive relationship- he reflects on it

I myself have a pretty dependent personality, whether its drugs or a boyfriend I seem to latch on and need them everyday. I had a difficult family life growing up and even faced abuse from my mother as well as a child. Now that I have my usage under control, I find myself in a new predicament. When entering university this year ( a bit late due to some delays for my rehabilitation ), an old friend of mine started becoming very close. Class hadn't started for a week or two so we were almost inseparable for a period time, he took care of me. It was only a matter of time until things escalated into hooking up and eventually growing feelings for each other. He himself warned me of his intense jealousy and how he becomes 'crazy' in a relationship but with my naivety followed by a few drinks I laughed this matter off thinking how serious could he be. I myself am quiet the passionate jealous lover, being a Leo female, but could never resort to violence apart from a slap when it comes to matters of infidelity. Anyways it started out of no where, I think he was just sleeping and I woke him up, his friend was sleeping on the floor and he pushed me, pulled me by my clothing and put his hands around my neck and pushed.

I left immediately and cut contact for a several days until he approached me kind of freaking out about it all, yet since we wern't too close at that point he didn't make any grandiose gestures in winning me over. I think he is very aware of his charm and his ability to win over women. Ive seen him do it before in the past. Eventually he started following me from place to place and looking for me, telling me he will work on this behavior and me being gone made him realize how much he missed me. One thing I noticed that makes him differ from most abusive men is his ability to reflect on it and admit it. He openly admits it to people around him seeking for advice on how to stop or what to do about his behavior.

I on the other hand with my dependent personality feel awful and lonely and terrible during the time periods that I stay away. I would say I have much fear of abandonment and fear of rejection due to my early family life and my parents divorce. Long story short it happened again, and again until I put my foot down. His abuse was mostly hard smacks in the face, I had bruising several times, squeezing and twisting my arms and hands, my eye internally bled once as well.

I cut all contact and threatened to call the police if he came near me. These threats weren't very strong, he showed up in my room without letting me know. After pushing him away he showed up at my exam the next morning waiting outside for me with all his new ideas for change and how he contacted his father asking for some help. His behavior really did seem to change but as this situation was progressing I resorted to my old habit of cutting myself and having anxiety attacks.

Now when I get into my crazy anxiety attacks when things escalate I get scared I find it hard to control anything around me and I break down, hurting myself or almost hurting myself, he uses this as an excuse to hit me even more. He says that if I hurt myself he will hurt me so I stop doing it. Seems like he is disguising his abuse as something that will help me? He tells me im the one who's crazy and acts as if he is the caring and patient one with my flaws. I don't buy it. I know both of our problems are big but mine don't seem to hurt anyone besides myself. It all seems here in what I am writing. I am in an abusive dysfunctional relationship but it's almost as if my own psychological issues make it nearly impossible for me to let go. I have caught several white lies here and there nothing major, I know he is faithful to me despite his past with women. His faithfulness almost makes it scarier because he feels as if he is owed more. As if he owns me. I always tell him he thinks he owns me.

When there isn't any physical abuse I feel verbally an emotionally abused. When I cry he mocks me and the voice I talk in, telling me I sound like a grandma. He admits to always aiming for where it will hurt me the most. He admits he doesn't mean anything he says when angry. Anytime I get insecure or uneasy I am called a b**** or stupid. How can I uphold my self respect being with a guy like this? With my own issues of self esteem, abandonment, and drug usage why do I put up with this behavior? I dont know what I should do. Im from a small country where it is inevitable to avoid him forever. Some wedding, birthday party or another will force us to meet. We have at least 30 mutual close to best friends. Am I addicted to the abuse? Why dont I seem to evacuate from the situation, why does my addiction to him overcome all his flaws?
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied May 20th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

It does sound as though you need the services of a professional therapist to help you find the root of your insecurities that drives you to unwise relationships and to help you overcome your dependencies on them.

Whatever is lodged in your sub-conscious that not only is causing you to have a low self-esteem but also actively not to care about it is probably at the root of most of your troubles and you have drifted from being addicted to one sort of poison to another. Your current relationship is with a man who is literally poisonous to you.
That he would shout from the rooftops that he is poisonous does not and could never excuse his behaviour. I feel he must have a sadistic streak in his character and it is possible that freely admitting what he thinks others will see as his "faults" is part of an act to disarm and manipulate people and disguise his sadism and it is only a small part of his armoury.

He has clearly recognised something in you that is either masochistic or more likely a hidden desire to be punished for some past misdemeanor in your sub-conscious. Such people as he tends to be drawn to natural victims...

Just now you can have no self-respect and the only way to restore it is to get away from him. You need a proper boyfriend who will rebuild your ego and not systematically destroy what little you currently have left.

You don't have to avoid him for longer than it takes to heal yourself, get your head together and find yourself a good relationship with a proper man.

I hope this helps a little.
Good luck!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 24th, 2013
Dear Vivian: I am sorry to hear you have experienced repeat abuse, and I commend you on your commitment to change, look ahead, and correct problems so the patterns don't repeat. Good for you! the roots of these issues are unforgiven conflicts in your family past, that get repeated until the cycle is broken by forgiveness, healing and correction. So you are aware and are part of the process of breaking this pattern so it never repeats again. Look up and study all the steps of Forgiveness and Recovery. Work with friends, family, teachers and counselors who help you take and enforce these steps. For very deeprooted "generational" issues, the most effective counseling I know of uses a combination of Buddhist meditation and Christian deliverance prayer to overcome these cycles that are often unconscious and some influences outside our control. Please look for a support group and counselor who inspires and pushes you to take those difficult steps in forgiving the past so you can focus on changing your future. if your partner(s) do not respect the same process of recovery and change, then do not let them bring you down. offer to get counseling with them to lift each other UP. if they are serious they will move forward with you, if not, you will leave them behind as you work toward progress step by step. your process will attract and determine the right people in your life, so commit to that and the rest will follow!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 24th, 2013
Dear Vivian: I am sorry to hear you have experienced repeat abuse, and I commend you on your commitment to change, look ahead, and correct problems so the patterns don't repeat. Good for you! the roots of these issues are unforgiven conflicts in your family past, that get repeated until the cycle is broken by forgiveness, healing and correction. So you are aware and are part of the process of breaking this pattern so it never repeats again. Look up and study all the steps of Forgiveness and Recovery. Work with friends, family, teachers and counselors who help you take and enforce these steps. For very deeprooted "generational" issues, the most effective counseling I know of uses a combination of Buddhist meditation and Christian deliverance prayer to overcome these cycles that are often unconscious and some influences outside our control. Please look for a support group and counselor who inspires and pushes you to take those difficult steps in forgiving the past so you can focus on changing your future. if your partner(s) do not respect the same process of recovery and change, then do not let them bring you down. offer to get counseling with them to lift each other UP. if they are serious they will move forward with you, if not, you will leave them behind as you work toward progress step by step. your process will attract and determine the right people in your life, so commit to that and the rest will follow!
|
Did you find this post helpful?