My boyfriend and I met online. We talked on the phone and he was a very sweet, caring person. We met, things worked out, I agreed to move in with him... out of state. He is fourteen years older than me and I was nineteen at the time.

Once I moved in with him, things started going wrong.

I posted "YOU ROCK!" on my friends myspace, because he had gotten his first ever girlfriend and he was nineteen years old. My boyfriend freaked out and practically accused me of cheating, even though this guy was 4,000 miles away from me! My boyfriend yelled at me, threw a full soda can and hit me in the collar bone with it. I tried to explain to him it was just a friend and there was NOTHING going on - I left my myspace etc logged in so I wasn't exactly trying to hide anything. He wouldn't have it and stormed out.

When he got back home, he told me if I respected our relationship I would cut off ties with all my male friends, because adults in real relationships don't hang out with people of the opposite sex. I wasn't happy about it, but I figured if I proved these guys really didn't mean anything romantically to me he would get over it. So, I told all my friends I would let them know when he changed his mind, but to please not contact me in the meantime. That was four years ago...

Shortly after this happened, he got a call from a girl he told me was his sister. He answers it in the kitchen, then takes it outside away from me. I ask him exactly who she is and he explains to me he isn't blood related to her, she is a friend of the family's daughter and he has had sex with her in the past. I get mad and go outside. A few hours later, he comes out and tells me basically I am over reacting and there is nothing between them. I try to explain to him that it isn't the fact he talked to her (though, he DID take it out of my hearing) but the fact that he made ME cut off all ties with my friends (which i've done nothing with), but wants me to be OK with him talking to a girl he had a sexual relationship with. He doesn't listen, gets it in his head I am jealous, tells his friend he can't talk to her anymore because I am "young and will get over it, but until then I will respect her wishes and please don't call me" ... never wanting to make himself look bad in front of his friends or family.

He keeps throwing it back into my face that he can't talk to his friends. I have ZERO friends left because he made me cut off ties with them. He won't hear it.

After all this, things just kept getting worse... he owes a lot of money to banks, so I let him use my bank account. He borrowed $500 against my credit with no intention of paying it back. This made me mad, so I tried to explain to him it would take a long time for it to come off my credit score and I was really trying to build my credit up. He somehow turns that around to me being a liar and we were driving, so he lets go of the wheel going 70 on a highway. I grab the wheel to try to keep the car from crashing and apologize, admit to everything he says about me being true just so he would drive again and not get us both killed.

After that, he would spit on me, break things, etc anytime we had even the smallest disagreement. He was always careful to never leave marks, because he said he didn't want to go to jail. But he has grabbed me by my hair, dragged me across the room holding onto it, thrown me to the floor. He says he is not abusive when I told him he was, because he never broke anything or left bruises. He says he was abused as a kid so I know nothing about it.

He has no respect for me . He always tells me basically because he is older and more worldly he knows more than I do and my opinions matter very little. He said if we ever have kids, he will ask his mother and sister their opinion and if they agree with him, it will be that way, because he thinks my ideas on raising children are dumb.

He was very sweet and caring, even telling me that my last boyfriend was awful and a jerk because one time we were arguing and he smeared blood on my face from a nose bleed (he got them when he was stressed). He said he would never treat a woman like that... until he got me where I couldn't get out.

I had no job when I moved out of state with him, I used all my savings to get there. He has not let me work, so I have no money. He broke my car trying to haul a u-haul trailer with it so I have no transportation. I tried to ask my family to come get me, explaining the situation, but they said that they didn't feel like driving all the way up here. I can't ask my mother, she is unemployed and has no money, I managed to get him to send her some money for groceries the other month. I am stuck and miserable and I can't think of how to get out. I am now about $2,000 in debt, my credit is ruined, I have no car, no money and no friends or family to help out. I have a cockatiel that is my only support through this, I need to get him and myself out of here and back home but I can't figure out HOW.

He has mellowed out some, though I think that is mainly because I give into him now. He hasn't physically attacked me in months, but if he wants me to do things his way, or say something I don't agree with or want to say, he gets this tone... like "do it, or you know what happens". I am forced to give him sex daily with this same unspoken threat of violence. If I say no, he pushes himself on me, if I really push him away he'll stop... like the other night I hurt my hand hitting his hand away from me and he finally quit, but he gets really mad at me if I ever stop him.

What should I do? I am Twenty-four today and I don't want to be stuck in this apartment (I only leave, for the last four years, to have dinner with him every few weeks) all my life, no friends, no family. I can't think of any way to get out. Sad
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replied October 5th, 2010
Experienced User
Ninjina, they are classic signs of abuse her! The cutting off of friends. The jealousy of posting on Facebook to an opposite male friend that is thousands of miles away. Daily forcing of sex upon you is also sexual abuse if not rape. He also is using you financially. If he was abused as a child he needs to go and get help before he can even have a healthy relationship and the same goes for you. You also need to have yourself in order before you can have a healthy relationship. You need to find a way to run and run now! Also, you need to get a great network of friends going. Try contacting a social worker or moving to an abused and battered women's shelter. Those might be options for you. I hope this helps!
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replied December 14th, 2010
Experienced User
Get out quick. Call your family. Call some friends. Call someone. This is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good for you. Get a life, go to college, find a man who is going to love and respect you.
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replied December 14th, 2010
I am so sorry to hear of your predicament. And I wish so badly I could be of help. If my son wasn't sick with cancer right now and I was able to bring in some money I would offer to come and get you and take you to your family myself. But I can offer you the story of a woman I know and how she got out. I hope this helps.

My instructor in college told me of her tale and it was just like yours except for she had a 2 year old little girl instead of a pet. She finally grabbed her daughter and walked aimlessly away. She slept on the street until she got to a place that housed abused women. She then got a one room apartment and a car through charity and part time work. Then she got a career and now is a highly successful grandmother with a hot and successful boyfriend who treats her very good with respect and dignity. And she is happy.

She literally had to decide it was worth living on the streets and starting from scratch to get out of that situation. She also had to build up her life on her own. Her mother was also poor and unable to help her. When she got a job she did move in with her mother. Her mother and her worked opposite hours to take turns watching her child. You will not have to worry about that part though.

There are places out there that offer help and safety for women like you. I know there are one in each of the towns around here. I bet there is one in your area. Search for it. Take only what you can carry and whats most important. Remember, you can always get new stuff. Sometimes the charities will offer bus tickets to take you to your family instead of paying to house and feed you. I have heard of this while getting charity to help with gas money for taking my son across state for treatments.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and wish you only the best of luck.
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replied December 17th, 2010
violence and abuse is so demeaning
hey ninjina
im connected to your story greatly because that's the same reason why i came to view this part of the discussion on abuse.my boyfriend is extremely jealous and violent.he gets angry over every little thing.
but right now as i write this the main thing that is bothering me is what happened between us two days ago.
he left me home with our daughter and went to the night club with his friends but before this we were not really talking for two days.before he left the house i noticed that he was very nice and warm towards me.and this is not usual of late.we do not really connect like before.we hardly talk,we always argue,he insults me alot.i sensed that he was being warm because upon getting home from the club he would want to have sex.my assumption was right.we have not had sex for almost two weeks now and i noticed that of late its always before
or after sex that he behaves himself.when he got home from the club around 4:30am in the morning i decided not to have sex with him because i feel that we should work on our problems before the relationship end up being totally about sex.because i refused to have sex with him he beat my face up with hard slaps and blows and started accusing me of seeing someone else.early in the moring the next day when iwas at woek he phoned once and said sorry and that was it.
i dont really go out anymore which is also because i have a baby but every time i hang out with my girls he calls over 100 times and even hitting me when i get home.
im only explaining this to say i know exactly how you feel but lets try and find help because 20 years from when im 40 years old i want to look back and see great things that i did and all the fun i had.
most importantly focus on school girl.it pays alot.
right now i have a baby so i dont even know my way out.
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replied January 16th, 2011
Experienced User
Ninjina, you`ve done precisely nothing wrong. The compensation for being older of years requires to be greater humility and tolerance. Under circumstances where this isn`t in place the relationship, generally speaking, is not a good one, and should be ended. His insecurity when combined as it is with jealousy adds up to him having serious incapacity with younger women, and that would role over to his relationships generally. Things would only get worse!
That`s exactly what I was going to say, over the point that you`d just cut-off all ties for him. It`s only your humility that`s keeping you with him, and even a guy 30 yrs. your senior would be distinctly preferable to this, that only taking it he were treating you right/with the consideration and respect which comes in the wake of genuine love.
I`ve not read the whole of your post, but if your instincts do guide you this way, I`d be honoured to discuss this with you further.
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replied May 20th, 2013
IS YOUR BOYFREN BY ANY CHANCE A MUSLIM? I HAVE HEARD ATLEAST 3-4 SIMILAR STORIES OF TORTURE BY MUSLIM BOYFRENS.... HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOU NOW
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