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A Princess Who Ended Up Living Like A Worthless Maid.

Marriages: In my view, marriages had a totally different meaning till 7 years back, seeing my parents totally in love, caring for each other and understanding each other. They were nothing else but a perfect example of a successful marriage and that too an arrange one. Seeing them would only make my belief more and more strong towards the whole idea of spending your life in someone's loving embrace and giving your partner the best you can.
Born and brought up with a golden spoon in my mouth, to the most loving parents on this earth. My birth was celebrated no less then that of a princess, I was given each and every luxury of life. My dad use to call me "guriya" meaning "a doll". Being the love of his life, he never said no to my demands be it anything. Born in South East Asia, I belong to a community where there are all sorts of people but most of them are extremely narrow minded. A girl acquiring higher education is still questionable and considered bad in most of the areas of my country, be it in a lower middle class society, middle class or upper class. The mentality remains the same as it was 50 years ago from now. A girl if walks out in jeans is considered to be extremely forward and not fit to be a respectable family's daughter in law. On the contrary there are people who think of it as adaptation of the new era, some people do understand change and respect that. There are people who understand the importance of education and that it is as important for a girl to get educated as it is for a boy.
My father is a mix of both old and new thinking, he knew education is important but at the same time he feared people. Each and every thought that comes up in his mind starts with "oh and people would say....." or "what will the society think?" or " No, people wont consider you right if you'll do this".......Does these so called "people" should be the ones ruling over our lives? If yes then why? If no then why are we so afraid of them. Specially people from all over Asia specially Pakistan, India, Bangladesh and many more. Does these so called "people" even come up to you and lend you a shoulder when you are in pain? or do they even offer a helping hand or a solution to your problem? These people are just out there with their big mouths, having nothing worthy to do in their life except for making a fun filled gossip out of our misery and pain.
As I grew up, my passion for studies grew more and more. I had so many dreams, so many goals to achieve in life....I still do I guess. I was a fun filled full of life, always cracking jokes. Life of all the gatherings, my friends use to call me a laughing bag, enjoying life to its max I was always a reason for putting up a smile on people's face. A shopaholic like a typical girl, die hard brand freak, sucker for adventure, a true explorer, due to my love of traveling I have managed to see almost 75% of the world, movie lover, food critic ( I had to try every restaurant just as soon as it was opened), to die for wardrobe owner ( my clothes once worn were never repeated). A perfectionist, confident and focused individual filling life into every aspect of life, be it a friend's gathering, a talent show, a wedding, a competition, or a project presentation. I was a show stopper in everything I did. I was not sure what I want to become but I surely knew that I will be someone who would be multi skilled. Apart from being a brilliant student, I was a great swimmer...a champion for 5 years of my state ( which I unfortunately gave up because our so called "society" did not think that it is a good thing for a girl to expose in a swimming costume after she is a grown up lady), a basket ball team captain of my college. I had a flair for writing poetry and always stood first in elocution competitions. I was a great debater ( I use to write my own debates and speeches). My school, My college or any where in my Uni....My name was always amongst the brightest students. After I graduated from High school, I had three months completely to myself until my college admissions. During that time I discovered my love for cooking. I have grown up seeing my mom ( who is considered the best cook of the family) cooking my dad's favorite meals for him each day, taking care of his food,clothes and all the rest just like an Asian house wife typically does. In return my father use to shower her with immense care, understanding, love,praises and all that she ever expected from him. I was blessed to have such a loving family and the happiest home on this planet.
Each morning during my vacation I use to try out new recipes that would pop up in my mind and create a new dish each day and surprisingly 90% of the times they use to taste awesome. To further enhance my skills I enrolled my self for a cooking class. Being the youngest among my cousins....when everyone use to boast about my cooking and baking skills, my cousins use to envy me. I then took over "the best cook" throne of my mom at an early age of 16. I started writing my own recipes and thought of converting it into my very own first recipe book. I wanted to publish it before I lost it during my house shifting while I was in my college ( but most of them in fact all of them are still somewhere at the back of my mind). I also had and still have a keen interest in designing dresses and years of practice have made me a pro in it at least this is what my clients use to say (I use to design dresses for people and do their makeover for their big day after getting a lot of praise from family and friends but I had to give that up)
In 2003 I passed out from my college securing 99.9% marks. My family then started talking about my marriage,I was hardly 18 at that time. My father fought hard with the elders in order to let me finish my studies but the quarrel took enough time for all the renowned university admissions to closed down. I some how got the permission after a long period of useless war of marriage over education. I respect and adore my father for fighting for me.
Let me tell you something here about our culture and society, In our society at least in most of the families decisions are taken by our elders and we are to obey them. I wont say they go against our will in all the cases but yes most of them are imposed on us apparently for our own benefit. I should mention one more thing here that there are thousands of such families too who do not believe in that and think that we are soul owners of our lives and that we should be given the right to take decisions on our own. Not in my case of course. Well, I somehow got admission in a nice college ( certainly not the one that I had a dream of going to but not a bad one either). I was already a few classes behind but with my hard work and approach I was able to catch up with the pace. Marriage proposals had already started pouring in like a non stop rain making me wet with water of force and pressure from my family but I some how managed to find an umbrella for three years before the guy of my dreams came along. He was not some guy in my university or some one I knew just a picture of who I had always imagined my dream man to be ( look wise). Well every girl has a picture in her mind of how her dream man should look like, till that time I was unaware of the phrase " beauty is but skin deep". Anyways, as a part of an Asian arrange marriage the guy came along with his family to my house to "check me out" which was cool with my family. A guy checking you out at university is a terrible guy and even the girls hate such guys but this way its all good.... Some thinking yeah!
Everything was decided, my tantrums were not taken into consideration and I was assured by my elders that my future in laws have no issues with me carrying on with my education after marriage ( a false promise by 99.9% of in laws). I was although asked one thing that the guy belongs to a middle class family and that I have lived in a huge house with shiny cars in my garage. Will I be able to adjust there? this was a question asked by my dad hoping for a positive response he looked at me and my answer was " Dad I just need a man who can love me and understand me, If he can give me that then money is something that will not matter much because together we will create a good life for ourselves, you have found that guy for me and I am sure he is just as loving as you are. If he will respect and love me the way you love mom the way you respect her then I will be his strength just like mom is your strength and he will achieve what you have achieved in your life" my father extremely pleased with my answer hugged me and told me' darling you are too adorable why wont he love you? you are a smart and a beautiful loving girl, he will surely fall for you the instance he will get to know you". On that note and having everyone's happiness in mind I got engaged. My fiance who is my husband now never tried to call me or communicate with me even once during the 6 month period of our engagement. I kept telling my parents that this is a very mysterious behavior and I have seen engaged couples and this is not the case with them. The answer I got was that " he must be shy or reserved, or he must not have the liberty from his parents to talk over calls or text" Let me tell you here that in our culture our society does not allow fiances to interact with each other in order to avoid undue fights that result in breaking off engagements a lot of families restrict phone calls and texts thus giving no room to couples to get to know each other before they step into a life long commitment. Yes you are right a lot of us are still living in stone age. I use to have a millions of questions for which I had to assume answers to as I had no choice. My engagement period was nothing glamorous, But like every Asian girl who is taught a lesson of compromises and sacrifices ( which is a never ending list) I thought of looking at the bigger picture and thinking of the brighter side that I am lucky to have a man who respects his parents and that he is also making a sacrifice of not living a lovey dovey glamorous life of the engagement period.
Let me mention here, that I never had any yes I mean it ANY relationship with any guy. You can think of me as a loser but I had my own thoughts about it. A relationship to me was purely based on love that will be eternal and I wanted to know a guy in order to fall in love with him and spending the rest of my life with him. I never got a chance to come across such a guy, my studies kept me well occupied. I although knew of some unknown admirers that my friend use to tell me about but then they were all a mystery.
Finally the big day came bringing lots of new hopes and dreams of the new chapter that was about to start in my life. I was all set to fly with my open wings leaving my studies in the middle, hoping to complete my last year after my marriage. The celebration of my wedding day arranged by my father was huge and everyone just could not help admiring the grand perfect wedding ceremony that they had come to attend.
The night came, I was full of mixed emotions as I had no clue what kind of a person he is but I was positive too that he cant be that bad. The moment he sat beside me he told me " You have made a terrible mistake of your life by getting married to me, I love someone else I can never love you. She couldn't go against her parents and therefore I had to teach her a lesson by marrying a rich girl who was more beautiful than her and more educated than her. The moment I saw you I knew you are the best revenge I can take from her, she thinks I can not get a better girl than herself and see I have proved her wrong. But this does not means that I have stopped loving her or will give you her place. You are nothing but a name added to my family there fore don't even try to win me over, dont try to woo me with your charms and listen one thing carefully if you want peace in your life and in your family then follow your responsibilities quietly and keep this to your self. If you will let it out I will disgrace your parents and I know you wont like that and they love you so much they would probably die to get you in this mess". I was cold, as cold as ice. I could not feel my heart beating as if it just stopped and I am numb. Hot tears streaming down my eyes. I was nothing but a dead soul.
That night changed my whole life, it changed my whole existence. That night was the darkest the most longest and the most horrifying night of my life. The next morning I was a different person. As I dressed in front of the dresser I couldn't recognize my own self. My confidence was shattered and I hated every bit of myself. Millions of questions were in my mind with no one to answer them. I had no courage to ask those questions as I was way too afraid of the whole situation. This was never ever even close to the worst of my nightmares.
After thinking and crying for several nights, I told myself that nothing is permanent I can change this. No matter what he says after all he is a human being and he also have a heart, he will change one day for sure. I told myself that I will can change him. If i'll give him constant care and try to understand him than I am sure he will notice that, because efforts never go to waste they are for sure noticed. With this thought I started living my life each day cooking his favorite meals, taking care of his every little belonging and managing and organizing things just the way he wanted. I was beaten up each day and the reason he gave me was that he hates my sight as I remind her of that girl because of who he had to take this step. I did'nt respond to any of it and never argued back. I use to cry every night, every night my strength was shattered into pieces and every morning I use to portray a fake smile and move on with my daily routine. One month had passed by and during this whole time I was way too afraid to ask him to buy me my basic necessities and therefore I was using up my savings that was there in my account as a part of my pocket money saving that I use to do. I gathered up some courage one day and went up to him. His harsh look sent shivers down my spine I could see a slap coming my way when I told him that I have ran out of my savings and I need some basic daily routine things ( my choices by now had changed drastically- I was no longer a princess but a worthless maid). He started yelling at me and said " Why don't you go ahead and earn your own money you good for nothing piece of sh**, are you here to just be a pain in my life and a financial burden on me? Get lost from my sight before I kill you".....I was never insulted this way before, my dad had never used any harsh words and he had never ever said anything to me that would make me think about the difficulty of having little things in life. Everyday I use to just sit in the darkest corner of an isolated room and I would just think of my past and all the things that were in my life and all the things that I did to analyze if I ht sound weird but I never had any arguments with any one. I fear violence, fights and arguments. I in spite of being a spoiled child of my parents never did anything that would hurt anybody and have never commit any sin ( things that were considered bad in our religion like having an affair,having a physical relation with someone, not fulfilling religious responsibilities, not helping poor while you can and replying back in a harsh tone to my parents) or hurt anyone so badly in order to be punished like this. I couldn't think of any such deed. I had always been nice to people. I know this might sound like I was perfect but no I am not saying that I was perfect but I was just careful not to go wrong anywhere in my life-at least that is what I was brought up like to be. Life went on and the daily violence continued to grow in the form of beating, abuses and curses. I had started to work at a garment company by that time ( I had to ask permission of each and every member of the family to be able to work outside of the house-which I was granted after a month) My salary was just enough for me to save some for my studies and the rest to spend on my daily necessities. I had lost all contacts with my friends as in so called friends by that time I had realized who my true friends were and out of millions of them it turned out that I had just one friend, the rest of them stopped communicating when they realized I couldn't hang out with them because now I was married in a middle class family and my dressing and expenditures have changed drastically. They hadn't changed because my in laws did not had money or my husband didn't earn well but it had changed because I was not considered to be a part of their family- I would like to say one thing here that my father in law observed everything and since my engagement he had been very fond of me he has always loved me and tried to take care of me but that was not acceptable by my mother in law who was always fighting with my father in law on various useless things. Since the day I got married I had seen my in laws sleeping in separate rooms and having cold wars every now and then and it use to get severely bitter and annoying. My husband use to get involve in and take his mother's side in spite of the fact that she was mostly wrong. It was one big mess instead of one big happy family. I started to feel more and more depressed, the negativity around me increased day by day. After almost a month of teaching in the school the principal called me in she announced my promotion and told me that it would be great if I was able to complete my bachelors. I thought to talk to my husband about it which he refused straight away. By that time my mother in law had started to talk about her grand children and she always use to blame me for having the deficiency of not being able to give her a grand child - which was not true.....after hearing these accusations for days I had to go up to my father in law and tell him everything. I told him how and what has been happening since day one. He reluctantly told me that he was aware of all that but he just does not have the courage to talk to my husband or my mother in law in order to stop behaving like that with me. My mother in law called in my husband that day she told him about how she craves to see a grand child and that I am suffering from a deficiency and cant give birth. It was then that my father in law stepped in and started to fight for me, I sat quietly in front of them with my lips sealed as I had a fear of getting beaten up in front of my in laws. My husband looked furiously at me because he had told me not to disclose it in front of my in laws or anyone else. But those sharp words from my mother in law had made my life living hell, she use to compare me to servant's daughters and she use to say that they all can give birth but you are one unfortunate lady who is a curse on this family and you cannot give an heir to our family. When she use to compare me in front of everyone , everybody use to look at me in disgrace and with pity in their eyes. It was too much to take as it was not my fault and I had to go up and talk to my father in law. The fight was going on when my father in law told my mother that she is fine and does not have any deficiency , instead the deficiency lies in your son as he is unable to realize how lucky he is to have such a lady in his life and that to treat her with kindness, he even told my mother in law that he does not hold any physical relation with me and that its not my fault that they don not have a good news about the grand child coming in. He also told my husband that he has given me permission to study for my bachelors as a private candidate (which means I would enroll myself in a Govt university and will not have to attend classes instead I can study from home and will just have to go and give papers) My husband got furious he knew I had gone up to my father in law. He started beating me as soon as the bedroom door closed and he kept saying " Do you think you can get me with these cheap tricks of yours?" and for the first time I replied to his bitter sentences " I am not interested in being your keep, knowing that you already have someone in your heart, I do not even wish to be there as a second option but I had no choice as your mother was constantly blaming me. She should know who the real culprit is." He was quiet and stopped beating me and after several one on one meetings with her mom, he made it clear to his mom that he holds no love for me and that he is still in love with the other girl ( I came to know this later that he has told this to my mom) He also said that he will try to give them a grand child but they shouldn't expect anything more from him. Whatever happened after that for twice was ugly as **** and was as if some one is making out with a person having HIV. I started hating myself even more. I started to think "Am I that ugly that he doesn't even give a look at me?" "Am I that terrible that he is unable to forget that girl and accept what he have in his life and try to get to know me?" "What have I done to deserve this kind of life, this kind of marriage?" "Am I not worthy of being loved, being taken care of?" My pain use to increase more and more as I use to go in family gatherings and I use to see my cousins happy in their marriage , every where couples seemed so much in love with each other. I know they must be having their differences too but am sure non must be facing my kind of situation. I use to wear my always like fake smile and meet people. People started noticing some personality changes in me, I had gone quiet, I hardly use to laugh like before. I usually use to make excuses to avoid family gatherings. I had stopped taking care of me. A girl who once use to be prominent among the crowd for her clothes and dressing was now all simple and silent.
I worked day and night managing my in laws breakfast, to making lunch, leaving for work coming back in the scorching heat by walk. Making dinner , doing dishes, washing clothes and ironing. Cleaning everyone's bedroom, studying during the night and thus still unable to satisfy them. I was 7 months pregnant by then and the symptoms of morning sickness one faces during the first three months I was facing them during my last three months. My mother in law started complaining to my husband that she is faking it all up so that she can rest and does not have to work in the house. There was not a single day in these 10 months of my marriage that I had made a single excuse of not doing a single work that was a part of my daily routine. Whether in any condition I was not even offered to have a seat and drink a glass of water, but I had learnt to take care of myself and accept the reality instead of having false expectations. I was apparently growing stronger but weaker at the same time....my mornings were all full of hope of being independent and earn my own money, of having a strength of facing work place challenges along with my pregnancy and house chores and facing that man's beating everyday. By the end of the day I use to become weaker and weaker , sitting lonely in a corner of a room crying those non stop tears that just refused to stop. Talking to my lord and missing my parents each day....As I use to sit and weep there "I use to talk to my dad in my own thoughts, telling him ...."daddy your guriya is in pain, save her please....I am very lonely....daddy you told me he will be the man of my dreams and he will love me....daddy please tell him to love me.....I need him the most at this time....daddy what kind of life will I give my baby.....how will I answer her questions.....Daddy your princess didnt get her prince daddy she didnt get her prince....Daddy please hug me there is no one to hug me.....daddy will I be able to give my kid the same kinda childhood you gave me? ....Daddy I miss you and I want to be in your arms.....I want to be loved daddy I want to be loved...." ( during all this time....some how my dad use to sense it that I am in pain but I kept lying although he never really believed me but he use to be quiet when I use to say dad I am happy ) He usually use to call when I was crying or sad which was most of the time.....his calls were not liked by my husband and one day he lost his temper and called back my father....he yelled at him and told him that if he is missing me so much he can take me away from here forever......It was my ninth month and that night my father came to my house to talk about my husband's behavior and that about his doubts about me being happy. The conversation couldnt proceed much as I was about to go in labor, my crams had started by then.....After 10 hours of severe pain I gave birth to a beautiful baby doll.....My fears came alive ( I had wished during my whole pregnancy to have a baby boy because if I will have a baby girl she will one day get married and go away and I did not wanted to see her in pain just like I was....where as a boys are strong and so will be my son) But fate had something else in mind.....All my worries, my pain and sufferings came to an end as she was given in my arms, looking at me with these beautiful big eyes full of hopes.....the way she was looking at me I felt as if she is trying to say " Mom, see I am here....you are not alone no more...I am your companion....your strength....and together we will support each other" Knowing that she wont reply back I still asked her " Guriya....you wont leave me ever right? you will never stop loving me promise me" and I hugged her as if I have been hugged after ages. During this whole time everyone outside the labor room was full of joy.....My father in law was extremely happy and so was my mum in law .....my parents had forgotten everything and everyone got busy with the little angel who had stepped into our lives.....Unfortunately my husband was no where in sight.....He came the next day to see the baby.....kissed her and left without saying anything......during this whole time I some where had a hope that he will come back to me and accept me for the sake of his daughter which was now a bond between the two of us.....I did not knew that that girl was back in contact with him, she was back in his life.
That woman was back in his life and they were back in contact with each other, she was now married and had a kid just a month older than my daughter.....after a week or so I could see his long mobile phone bills and all his bank statements showing huge cash transfers.....he was as if supporting her financially my hopes where down the drain now there was nothing that I could hold on to. I managed to get some days off from work....by that time I had enough to give my exam fee and survive till I was back to work as my leave was not a paid one....I started tutoring small kids at home in the evening, while I had to go give my papers in the morning with my baby in her carry cot beside my desk. Soon after my papers I resumed work but the only problem was where will I leave my daughter, who will take care of her while I am gone.....she use to keep crying but I had noticed no one use to come and pick her up and calmed her down except my father in law. But obviously I cant expect him to take care of her. I called my mom and asked to send her a maid who will be with her while I am gone. After I came back from my first day at work the servant told me that the baby had not been fed and has been in the room crying since she woke up and my mother in law's strict orders were not to take care of her as she was not their maid. I was terrified with this attitude coming from a woman who was also a mother. I decided to take my baby to work along with me. The CEO was understanding enough to let me bring her along. Time passed and my baby doll grew up into a 2 year old beautiful sweetheart who was and still is my biggest strength seeing me struggle each day with work, house work and all his father's beatings ( he use to beat me every time he had a fight with her girl friend) He started to talk to her in front of me and use to talk in a way which was difficult for me to take it. I could see a lot of gifts being sent through TCS as her girl friend is settled in Dubai with her husband and now have three kids ( which make me wonder that she is living a decent life with her filthy rich husband and having an affair with my husband too- what a great man my husband is to be able to accept this... HUH!).
After the completion of my first year I got the opportunity to go to the University.One day I was out with my father in law to buy groceries and there we met my University teacher, he convinced my father in law to let me complete my last year and so he gave me the permission saying that he will pick and drop me so that my husband have no issues with me communicating or talking to any guy over there.....life got even more tough, I was struggling with my private bachelors along with my university last year, taking care of my daughter as well as managing my job and house hold chores. By this time I had switched my job and got into a school as a teacher and later on moved to their administration to be able to give more time to my daughter and my studies.
During all this time in 7 years that I have been married my parents did realized that I am in pain but my lies stopped them to come over and talk to my in laws and my husband as why this is all happening, after the birth of my daughter they asked me to sit and talk my heart out with them. Bit reluctant I did and my father was extremely furious he said he had an idea but he never thought that it is this bad he said that he was just of the impression that probably I am struggling with the big change in my financial condition and that is why while I started off working first he offered to give me money but I refused as I was no longer living in his house and it was not his responsibilities and that he has not educated me to just put them in the drawer and not being able to use it. By that time I had realized that I am very strong and if I can face this kind of a marriage and this kind of man in my life I can face anything. At least I was working hard and making my money instead of begging for it. My parents tried and talk to my in laws and my husband which obviously made matters more worst as his hatred grew more and more towards me because I didn't obey him and kept it all a secret but they were my parents after all, for how long I could have hide those things from them. My father decided to talk to my elders and asked them to sort it out, the reply that he got changed his perspective entirely towards my divorce. They told him that no one in our entire family has faced divorce and brought disgrace to the family and that I am not the first ever woman to face such a situation, they even told him that sacrifice and compromise is woman's second name and there fore they are the ones who have to take care of any problem that come in their way and find the best possible way to deal with it instead of breaking the relationship off which will bring more issues in her life as after my father my brother wont financially support me because he will have his wife and his own family. They told my father that right now his husband is paying for his daughters needs she is just managing her needs with her salary and that is not a bad thing after all where else will she use her education then its for these times only when you are in trouble and so your education help you in earning your bread and butter. They told him that if I will get a divorce, keeping in mind our society and the way everyone thinks then no one will ever be willing to get married to my younger sister. They told him that if she will get a divorce and come and live in your house then what will the people say what will they think. They are bound to point fingers at you because there was something lacking in your brought up that your daughter couldn't make her marriage successful. They even told my father to think about the scenario my daughter will have to face and the difficulties in paying her school fee and other expenses as my father cant do them forever. They said that time is a great healer and it will heal all her pain and she will learn to live her life for the sake of her daughter and will eventually find a way out to bring him back to herself.
My father is no longer in favor of my divorce and his perspective is now completely changed, he is afraid of people and what they will think and say is all that matters to him now. My childhood and my 18 years that I spent in his house having his love and support now seems like a dream. He still takes care of me and love me I know that, he takes me out for vacations and give me expensive presents but are these ever going to heal my pain? No they cant. We all need different things in our lives but by the end of the day we just need to be needed. This is not some random story that I narrating here this is the reality of my life. People ask me to take divorce and move on....my question to them is "Is it really that easy as it sounds?" I am not allowed to hang out with my friends as he thinks I might end up having an affair like him as I am not getting his attention. I obviously wont do that but does he think he can stop me by trapping me in the house? My daughter is 7 years old now and she see him fighting with me every day, yelling and shouting is a part of his communication...I am still doing the same things I was doing earlier...cooking his favorite meals , cleaning the house and organizing every little detail of his schedule during the day, from his breakfast to getting his gym bag ready, from his fruit time to his milk time, from his protein shake time to his tea time...I still do all these consistently on time since 7 years....my daughter usually wonders ....when she see him giggling and laughing while talking to another woman and she comes up to me and ask me mum who is this girl daddy talking to....he yells at her on small mistakes as well....slaps her often.. very conveniently , I was forced to leave my job in May last year and I started to work from home as a freelancer because he thought that I might earn more than him and hang out with guys and this is still the case with him he still doesn't like it when I am earning more money than him which at times I do on some projects , during these 7 years he could never stick to one job as he was mostly caught watching adult sites during the office hours and so after several warnings he was asked to resign as it is not appropriate to watch such stuff at office. He is now finally working from home and working as a freelancer too. This is just not my case it is the case of millions of women who are facing these kind of issues every day probably even worst than this. I am still alive thank god , so many women are out there whose husband burn their face with acid, burn them alive by setting them on fire and no this is not an old school thing this still happens. Where is our education taking us? even more deeper into stone age? What will actually wake people up to get their daughter out of the misery and for once stop thinking about these so called people who are not going to bring any good to them no matter how good or how bad you are they will always talk behind you they will always have something or the other as an excuse to point finger at you. They will always have a mouth which you cant shut and they will always have something to gossip about you because they have nothing better to do. Why do we mix and alter religion and blame religion for our own convenience? Every religion teaches peace and harmony, no religion allows us to beat, curse or abuse our life partner, every religion is to guide us towards a better path and not towards hell, no religion teaches you to leave your daughter in hell and think of people and not your beloved ones, no religion teaches you to trap women in the house and not let them grow. Religions are made for people to help them grow into a peaceful person with a strong spiritual connection with your Lord and not to create boundaries and restrictions on you.
The reason that I am writing this blog is to bring all the other women facing same kind of situation to come up and discuss their problems, hopefully together we can find a way out to solve our problems and give a direction to our future.At the moment I can only see darkness and a lot of confusing path that lead to even more darkness, I want you to help me find a way out. I cant find a way out to stop my tears and depression apart from smoking my lungs out. Can you figure out a way for me?
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replied March 21st, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

I am sorry but your post is rather too long for me to read today and give an opinion.

I will try and come back to it tomorrow but hopefully someone will have the time before then. Perhaps you could provide a shorter version?
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replied April 20th, 2013
Experienced User
Well, that was a very long post, a few spaces could have helped, but basically I get the impression you're unhappy and stuck in a dead end situation; the most important part is how it's affecting your child with him. She will seek out relationships as an adult that mimic what she is growing up with now, and she will accept from a man what you're teaching her to. If you can't take care of yourself you can't take care of your child.

Your husband can't/won't be responsible for your happiness; only you can find where that lies. It sounds to me like you feel very isolated and need to talk. There would be women's support groups where you are; you should possibly try to make some friends, get some support and regular advice. No husband has the right to ban his wife from her friends... Unless he's helping her get off drugs and they're pushers. Wink

As for being a worthless maid --- maids aren't worthless! But I do appreciate what you're saying; you're being taken for granted, and being beaten and abused and cheated on is a sure way to make someone see how worthless they are to the abusive partner. You are indeed worthless to him. But not to your daughter, and not to the world. Are you worthless to yourself? Maybe to your society... Unless you change a woman's worth in their eyes. The people you speak of don't sound like they're seeing clearly at all.

Also it sounds to me like you are hoping others will save you from your situation. As a woman, there is basically nothing bar childbirth that will empower you more than to learn to stand on your own two feet --- alone --- and take control of your own life. You are a separate adult, not some kind of legless symbiote that can only crawl around a house cleaning, cooking and reproducing; what's more, you're a pretty highly educated woman. You're not helpless; you're certainly not incapable; what your husband can't/won't give you from the world to make your life and your daughters' feel complete, go and get! Achieve! You CAN.

Even the most loving and well-intentioned and filthy rich husband can't GIVE you the achievements that will make you feel successful and powerful and in charge of your own life... And then there's your daughter to think of, and the example your life and your marital life is teaching her, every day. If you want her to be a princess rather than a maid in this world, either she'll have to marry a real prince or become a warrior princess, out in the world fighting her own battles... Not a trophy wife.

No individual can be completely fulfilled by others. You need to seize your life and shape it into something happy for your sake and your daughter's sake. What you've described is an abusive relationship supported and enshrined by an abusive culture. The cycle must be broken for the sake of women like you and the daughters who are growing up into a trap.

You need to stop worrying about your family's social standing. And other's opinions. It may sound selfish or faithless but it's not the end of the world if you get divorced. You know your religion does NOT support spousal beatings, locking women away, and outright infidelity. You can have a life for yourself and your daughter without being financially supported by a man, and that would probably be vastly more satisfying for you. Are you going to be unhappy for the rest of your life, like a lot of the women in your situation are, because someone else might have a negative opinion? Who cares what someone who isn't living in your life says about your life! Is your husbands' life more important than yours? Or is it equally important? Because if you value anyone's peace of lifestyle above your own, it should be your child's. Your marriage can't have true respect when you are not an equal entity in your own right within it.

If you think violence or imprisonment or death may eventuate if you try to leave your husband or divorce him, then you can just flee him. It will mean cutting ties with your family for at least a little while, probably, but if you're careful and seek out support you will hopefully be fine. Do you want your daughter to grow up to have the same life as you? Just like your people are allowing to happen to you? If not then take the power back; why do other people have the say over you, a grown woman, and what you do with your life, your body, your friends, your children?
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