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Hello everyone! Well this is my first time being out in the open like this with my depression and it's pretty hard to tell my close friends about the pain and sadness that I feel sometimes so I guess this is my first step to being open with others. Here goes...

Well, I'm 18 years old and have just been diagnosed with depression even though I have felt depressed for along time. I finally reached my breaking point a few months ago. Maybe I should back up a bit.
Right now I am a senior in high school but 2 years ago I was accepted into this prestigious early-entry into college program where I was going to spend my last 2 years of high school at a 4 year university getting high school and college credit at the same time.
The first year of that program was great but then the second year was when all things went wrong. I took a college engineering physics class and did terribly. When I say that I got a D, it shocks a lot of people to think that that would break me as much as it did. And I guess that you just have to know me and know the high expectaions that I have for myself. I just felt like I was letting so many people down - my parents, myself, the director of the program, the friends I made in that program (who I felt where sooo much smarter than I was) and I just felt like a fraud and that I didn't deserve anything. So the stress of my parents finding out my grades and being so disappointed in me lead to me running away.
I took several greyhound buses to albuqerque, NM. I didn't know anybody or have any ties to that city but I just wanted to get away from anyplace where people might know me as a failure. Luckily I came to my senses and went back home, where I have been safe and sound for about 2 months. But life just seems so dull and not worth it to me anymore. I had a pretty normal childhood, I was a happy little girl but things have just changed.

Any time I look back on this I feel terribly sad. I just feel so ungrateful towards my parents who paid to put me through this program and have loved me and cared about me all my life. I don't know, there's just so much on my mind.
I feel like a just carry this huge burden on me all the time, like I'm always going to be the child that ran away, my sister is perfectly happy. But sometimes I just feel like the messed-up child.

But I have been seeing a counselor now for about 3 weeks and it does help to get all of my feelings out but sometimes I just feel like I'll never move past this funk and I'll just be going through the motions of life...
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replied February 9th, 2012
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Hi JCCarter,

First, let's be clear and not say this is a "funk". You have been diagnosed with depression. Calling it a funk is lying to yourself and everyone else who you talk to. It's depression as identified by a doctor, yes? Accept that and deal with it.

Depression can have so many causes there is no list. Often the genesis of our depressions tend to be in our early formative years. In our first 5 years our parents teach us so much and we tend to accept everything they say and do as we know nothing else.

If we're lucky we get good parents who just let us grow and learn most ourselves without hammering their own belief system.

A quick post such as yours doesn't give that much info but it would seem to me the problem is directly to not coping with the stress of that course and not doing well in it.

You expected better of yourself and your parents may have also, that's not clear. They may be quite content with you coming home and taking a break.

It sounds like a lot of ths presure is a life long thing to me, where you have been taught to think your are the brightest and best. SOrt of good parenting until you run into those who actually are brighter and better (There's always someone, or many who are such).

When that happens you do feel like you've failed as others have done better.

In truth you can never fail as you are a human being and second chances are always available. Maybe you were just too young and suffered maturity wise against the other students.

You may be as bright as them but they have 2 years maturity and life experience on you and that tells as you can't mix properly.

Seeing a counsellor is a great thing to do but only if you are honest and open. Dig back into your past and think about what your parents said to you when young. It was encouragement but if our standards are set high we and other people can never meet them.

That was a big part of my depression. I couldn't meet the standards I'd learnt, much as I tried and other people? They didn't even know there were standards.

I don't think you have a real big problem though really. You have found out simply that maybe you moved quickly study wise and you are in counselling. I think you will come through very well. But do be careul of expecting too much, too soon and what your parents may expect too. You're just you. Be yourself.
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replied February 10th, 2012
I completely understand why you feel the way you do, but don't be so quick to label yourself as depressed, even if the doctors do, there is a world of deceit that makes money off of our problems. We must always be cautious what we call ourselves and allow others to label us as. I'm going to share a similar time I went through in my life. When I graduated Valedictorian from elementary school. Graduated Salutatorian from Middle school and I was very upset that I wasn't number 1. When I got to highschool I was DETERMINED to be number 1. Most people will not understand. Because it takes a tenacious person to comprehend how important it was for me to be number 1. Were my parents happy when I was Salutatorian, Absolutely. But I wasn't. I did everything I could in Highschool to be number 1. I lost by a fraction of a point and was once again Salutatorian. I was SO Upset. I am 31 and have watched the video tape of me at graduation and I had such an attitude because I was forced to sit next to the Valedictorian on the stage. 11 years later, that Valedictorian contacted me on a social media website and 6 months later we were married. The point is, what you see now as a huge disappointment, will one day be for your good. No one can understand what it is to be successful until they have first failed. I don't know if you believe in God or are a Christian, but I would encourage you to seek a relationship with Jesus Christ before labeling yourself. The bible says "Let God be true and every man a liar". That means believe only what God says about you, a person is subject to error. God is never wrong. Even when you read these posts, what I or anyone else says may be incorrect but if you pray, seek a relationship with Jesus Christ, what God will reveal to you will not be wrong. He created you and has a purpose for everything that you go through in life. This experience will help someone, if you have the determination to go through it with Gods help. Side note:
When I go through bad experiences, I try to keep things in perspective by telling myself, one day this will be just a story I'm telling someone.
Stay encouraged!
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