Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

A bachelor party and strippers (Page 1)

Do you think i'm over reacting?
Yes
No
52%  52%  [ 10 ]
47%  47%  [ 9 ]
Total Votes : 19
User Profile
My boyfriends frientd got married this past weekend to one of my friends. He went to the grooms party and I went to the brides party. I never thought to ask my boyfriend if there would be strippers because he isn't the type to have them. Well the next day at the rehearsal dinner, I found out there *were* strippers there and my bf never planned to tell me. I was upset mostly that he didnt tell me and I had to hear it from someone else but I also DO NOT want him seeing other women strip naked in front of him. I should be the only girl he looks at. To me a body is sacred and that is something dirty to do when your with someone you love.

We did talk about it and he apologized for not telling me and said he should have left because he didnt' want to be there anyway but it was his friends party and he wanted the strippers (he is a religious person you could say). I made him promise me that he would tell me from now on what was going on even if he thought id get upset about it. He also said he doesn't want strippers at his party whenever we get married because we feel that if you love someone, you don't need to see someone else naked for one last time. (he hasn't proposed but we pretty much know we are staying together). In April another one of our friends is getting married. I really *really* do not want him seeing any strippers but I would feel so bad asking him to leave his friends party to make me happy.

I just don't know what to say to him. We have talked about this twice when it happened so I wont be saying anything to him until his other friends party but I don't know. I am not a controlling person and never really complain about anything but I don't want him to think I *am* going to be that way. Any advice? Also how do you other girls feel about the whole stripper thing?
Did you find this post helpful?
First Helper newyorker810
|

replied October 1st, 2008
Experienced User
I feel it's degrading, but, I have also learned one thing:they go and if they truly love the person they are with, they come home to that person and not do anything with the stripper. I have problems with it too, but I would never ask my husband to stay home from a friends party jsut to make me happy.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied October 1st, 2008
I feel the same as you. Shouldn't they *want* to leave if they know how much it hurts you? Or do you just accept the fact that they are looking at someone naked who isn't you?

He didn't get a dance, they never touched him and he never touched them which is fine. It just makes me feel nasty. Like, what am I doing with him if he wants/can look at her?

I don't think I will tell him to leave but I will tell him how uncomfortable it makes me and all other ways feel about it and he can make the decision himself. I just feel that that is a deal breaker for me. I know to most people it shouldn't be but i'm sure he wouldn't like some guys junk in *my* face and grinding on me.

How do you get over the fact that he saw someone else? How do you get over that feeling that he must not love you as much as he says he does?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 2nd, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
i agree completely..i think strippers are really disgusting..i'd absolutely hate to think that if my boyfriend and i got married and he had a bachelor party that him and his buds would hire some nasty chick whos been grinding on tons of other men to come grind on them..it just grosses me out thinking about it and i completely agree that he shouldn't want any other girl grinding on him...i wouldn't want a male stripper..i dont see the point..why cant they just have a guys night..go shoot some pool play some poker do whatever but a half naked girl does not need to be involved..and i think that whole "come on man you gotta live it up its your last night as a single man"..umm excuse me? sorry, i thought you said he was single? honey he aint been single since we been dating and that should NOT change for ONE night..goin to a strip club any other night isn't ok with me why should this night be an exception??? i dread that part of getting married bc i know me and my girlfriends would go and have innocent fun..but guys...guys i guess feel like its a right of passage to go to a strip club for your bachelor night...go figure

I think SmCmF that you're taking the right approach..you aren't exactly putting your foot down and telling him NO you cant go...you're letting him know how uncomfortable it makes you

I'm sure he does love you, i dont think thats the question at hand..and it isn't HIS party..though that is a lame excuse to go see a stripper..honestly..i really dont think you have anything to worry about...from what you've said he seems like a decent guy and he probably genuinely isn't interested in the strippers.these girls get paid to be easy on a daily basis..you're more than that to him, you're the whole package...maybe they could save the strippers for the end of the night and he could leave early or something? or step out while the stripper is in...idk, theres gotta be a way to compromise so that he still gets to go to the bachelor party but avoids the nasty strippers
|
Did you find this post helpful?

This post is being reviewed to be sure that it adheres to our Community Guidelines.
Thanks for your patience!

User Profile
replied October 2nd, 2008
Experienced User
Personally I think yeah it was his mates bachelor party of course there would have been strippers, as long as he ddn't touch them I wouldn't be concerned. Guess thats just me.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 2nd, 2008
Experienced User
Just because they are looking doesn't mean that he doesn't love you any less. It's also called trust. I had a male stipper at my sister's bachelorette party. It was fun. He didn't "swing it" in our faces. But, he did get naked. He put a hat over it though. Afterward, he stayed and talked to all of us. We found out we knew his sister. The men don't give "private" parties. Some women do, but, all the strippers have body guards and the men are NOT allowed to touch. They are only allowed to watch and that's human nature. I have come to the conclusion that it's not something worth fighting over especially if you truelly love that person and trust that person. To me anymore, it's being with him that counts. If he goes off and cheats, that's a different issue all together. Granted, I still feel it's degrading to women and I still don't like it. But, I knowin my head that when he would come home, he'd be ready for me and it would be a great night.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 17th, 2013
Oh man do we look and touch!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 9th, 2009
i would say its unfair for you to be mad at him AFTER the party happened. unless before hand you said you would be unhappy if a stripper was at the party...also i think its unfair to be unhappy with him for not telling you unless you asked him directly, in which case he could have said yes or no...which i believe either way would have lead you to be angry because if he said yes youd be right where you are now, and if he said no then he would be a liar on top of being where you are now...and just expecting him to blurt out "hey, there were strippers at the party last night" is kind of a lot to ask of a guy, especially since if he knows you well enough, he knows youre not going to be happy about it...which you aren't.

having said that, i think for the most part if you have a decent guy and you know him well and trust him well enough -- theres not much you need to worry about when it comes to strippers...especially if hes 'somewhat' religious. It seems he was genuinely sorry and was not into the whole stripper deal and was just trying to enjoy himself as much as he could in a celebration with his friends.

im a guy, and im my own personal experience -- i was dating a girl for 3-4 years and was in love with her...she was great, everything i wanted...did i look at other attractive girls? sure. but for me it just made me want to be with my girlfriend more because i already had an attractive person who i WANTED to be with, and more importantly -- that person WANTED to be with me as well...good guys (probably much like your boyfriend) know when they have a good thing, and wouldnt mess it up...especially with a stripper...
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 17th, 2013
You can't be mad at all. Let him see that poon!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 13th, 2009
Experienced User
I have argued this in other threads on this section before. But your feelings of hurt, betrayal and what not are your problem. It is your inability to control your husband/boy friend that makes you jealous.

There is nothing wrong with him, looking at naked women on tv, in a magazine, or at a strip club. It is just looking, there is no cheating going on. It is how men get off. You should not be imposing your will upon your partner like that. You should try to be more understanding. Just because something hurts your feelings, does not mean the other person is doing you wrong. In this case I believe your hurt feelings are you own issue and problem.

If he was having sex with a stripper, of course you should and could get mad. If he was spending every last dime he had at a strip club, again you could get mad. However, a stripper being at a bachelor party and your husband being there to see it, is not an issue. I hope he enjoyed it. You should not even feel jealous. If you truly trusted him, and did not want to control him, then you should not care one bit.

What you are getting mad at is not the degree of nakedness of a woman, but just the fact he was looking at another woman. You have to face reality, once men get a girl friend or wife, we do not stop noticing how beautiful other women are. Be it while walking down the street or on TV. Are you going to get hurt everytime you catch him quickly looking at another woman??? Who has the insecurity and trust issues?? Not him. If he was staring or making comments, I would say that is wrong. But just quickly admiring how beautiful a person is, is only natural.

If he looks at porn in his private time, that is his business. That is his private time and his personal time. Women have vibrators and their imaginations, men are more visual. That is just the way the wiring works. Do not try to impose your ways upon hour partner.

That is basically it. Get mad if you want. But that is how I feel about things. Because it hurts your feelings does not mean your partner is doing wrong. I feel you are in the wrong by trying to be controlling because you are just jealous over nothing.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 23rd, 2012
im not sure why guys think it is their natural born right to go to strip clubs, despite hurting the person they love. You have the right to golf, go to steakhouses, and spend nights out at the bar with your friends. The world does not owe you the right to go to strip clubs. Stop feeling entitled and trying to make girls who are uncomfortable with the idea feel bad about themselves. Take some responsibility for protecting the women you love. It is degrading to tell your girlfriend to keep quiet and deal with it. You should be ashamed of yourself.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 16th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey everyone, well i think that strippers are disgusting as well i just think it says to men "I'm easy" and that is not good! I think if my fiance went to a wedding he would stay and watch for the simple reason that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with it to a degree i mean if the woman were to go over to him and stuff he wouldn't allow that to happen. I obviously don't feel great about it but i know he will not do anything with any other woman apart from me so i don't worry about it. Just my opinion Jenny
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 16th, 2009
Ok
So, you asked the question and here is my answer...Yes, it is ~wrong~ but only if you discussed it first. The really ~wrong~ part is #1 he wanted to hide it from you and then you ~making him promise~ not to do it again. Shouldn't he have been the one to make that promise? Not forced into it? Just my opinion.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 16th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
If a woman knows that her bf is not going to do anything with anyone else then she should not even ask him not to do it because that suggest she doesn't trust him i mean if it upsets her then herself must be insecure. I don't particularly want my bf to look at other woman but i wouldn't stop him or get upset about it as long as nothing happens Jenny
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 18th, 2009
loosen up - he loves you
i'd say most women need to get a little perspective on this stuff. have any of you actually seen a stripper perform for a buck at a buck's party. every girl wants to think their guy only has eyes for them, but at the end of the day we're paraded with beautiful bodies all the time through various media outlets and even us girls might allow our eyes to linger a little longer than they should if someone on the handsome side pops into view... its the same for guys except they're a little more responsive to visual ques like v-neck tops, short skirts etc. This is not cheating or being disrespectful.
if you put walls up with your partner on this topic he's not going to ever feel comfortable talking to you about it at all and most likely do it behind your back... peer pressure is an amazing persuader so even if his intentions towards you are top notch there are circumstances where they just cant take the ego slump and say... 'sorry, my girlfriend wouldnt want me to see this'.
as far as bucks parties are concerned, many contemporary bucks nights might be a camping trip, golf day, races etc. but keep in mind its usually the 'friends' coming up with the ideas of what they can 'do' to the buck as a last hoorah! it's not about getting him laid, or making him cheat or making men fall out of love with their partners momentarily... its about trying to embarrass the buck. most girls cant get too physical anyway as it's not covered in the 'fee' they'll get their gear off and believe me when i tell you, the $500 ONLY covers a lap dance for the groom, as if your boyfriends will stand in a room shoulder to shoulder with their buddies and get their wangs out? let alone get their lips close to the boozies that arent there for them. so loosen up, they're tkaing it in, trying to get the groom into trouble and like a big pack of any animal - egg eachother on and it's considered very unmanly to leave. it doesnt mean every man is an opportunist, i say throw the man some rope, if he's a bad sort he'll hang himself, if not you know he loves you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied February 18th, 2009
BOTH SIDES...
I understand both sides. I don't really want my BF or Husband to see other women naked... but mostly I don't want them to WANT to see other women naked. Your BF really didn't do anything worthy of you breaking up with him and ending a relationship that sounds like is going well. I think you telling him that you wanted him to be upfront should do the job. I DO NOT think that him not telling you makes him untrustworthy he may have not told you because he didn't know how or what to say. Also depending on how good a friend he is with the BACHELOR he probably didn't want to tell him no and ruin his "right of passage" or whatever they call it...

Also if you say he didn't get a lap dance or anything like that, you can be assured that no one grinded anything in his face. I have been to quite a few strip clubs and it is hands off!!(Gosh that makes me sound like a PERV!)

Bottom Line BOUNDRIES! You BOTH must set them even if you think you sound like a jealous crazy person...it will make you feel so much better knowing where one another stand on certain issues. If he loves you he can respect how you feel... if not tell him or any possible future guys to kick rocks!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied February 18th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Coming from a female, have you ever been to strip club?

Going to see a stripper is in no way cheating, unless he slept with her or had something else done. Trust is huge in a relationship and if you cannot have trust then you have nothing. Have you ever looked at a guy and said "hes cute or has a nice ass? Guys do the same thing, I just get sick when females try to chain guys down.

If a Male or Female is going to cheat, they will do it, irregardless of what you do, you should never have to fear that but pushing doesn't help.

Exactly what are you feeling when he sees a stripper? Jealousy, fear etc? Those are insecurities and cause big problems in relationships. For some reason woman are still in the dumps about somethings, looking, flirting(non sexual way) porn, fantasizing are normal if not humane. Instead of closing your mind, open your mind, it does great things and allows you to develop a special uniqueness about yourself. Open-minded doesn't mean you have to like something but it means you acknowledge something, not necessariyl accept it.

Research done on the human and sexual mind...
We all fantasize hun, we just do it in different ways. Whatever you do just don't ask what the other person is thinking when you are having sex.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 21st, 2009
With the poster on this.
I have to say I'm in the exact same position as the poster. My fiance just went on an over-nighter with the guys. Initially, the plan was no strippers. Although he did tell me, and he claims, that of 13 guys he was the only one NOT to have a lap dance, I'm still a little freaked out. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but there's another wedding coming up in a few months and the guys are already talking stripper. It's agonizing, because he already told me that if one of his friends had bought him a lap dance, he couldn't have refused. I'm sorry, but for me, that's a deal breaker. Especially if it happens in the lead up to our own wedding. I agree with another poster-he's not single. We've been together almost 6 years. Looking is one thing. Flirting and fantasizing are too, but physical contact with a real person rubbing up on him and making him want to go in his pants are completely different. I wish I could accept this as normal, but I can't. I like to think I'm a pretty rational person. I think more so than being angry at my fiance I'm angry at the acceptance of this whole "right of passage" BS. I'm angry for the bride and the few other females attached to this group of guys. The guy who's getting married in a few months was also in attendance and will, in less than six months, be the man of honor at his own party. What about his fiance? My fiance doesn't want me to be affected, yet he followed that with the point that I'm probably the only female who was informed that their were strippers. If there's not something inherently wrong with this, why would it be kept a secret?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 21st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
i agree w/you prudentbeauty...I am a very rational and accepting person as well but going to a strip club has NEVER been ok while we were dating so why should it be ok for the bachelors night? Of course guys wanna do guy things and have a guys night out but cant it be that..just a GUYS night out w/NO naked chicks? go drink a few beers do guy stuff but strippers dont need to be involved..i think its gross personally..sorry if its your "professsion" i wont change my opinion..its gross..i dont want some other sweaty naked woman grinding all up on MY man...period
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 1st, 2009
What to do....
I've read everyone's comments and I know exactly how you feel SmCmF. I'm getting married Feb 2010 and we've talked about the bachelor party and strip clubs. His best friend will be in charge of the night and I told him that I don't want my fiance in a strip club. No, I'm not jealous I just don't want a naked stranger parading her package in front of my man. As simple as that. We are Christian and our bodies are God's temple and sacred. I just don't agree with the whole strip club thing.
I do appreciate that everyone does not feel the same way, that's fine. But I think the majority of women don't want their men to be swamped with other woman's breasts etc.
Another thing, he gets back from the bachelor party (and the strip club) and wants to get into bed with you.....OMG...there is no way I would let that happen. I would feel dirty because he just had a strip show and now he wants to sleep with me.
I haven't spoken to him yet but I will definitely let him know how I feel about it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 16th, 2009
How is it right at any time for a man who is going to marry you to want to get off on another woman, stripper or not?

Guys know it's disrespectful which is why they have their dirty code and don't want to talk about what goes on during the party. If he can't tell his fiance what he did with another woman, both of you know it's wrong.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 17th, 2009
I've got fabulous news!!! My Fiancee told me 4 days ago that he will not be going to a strip club and he understands why I feel the way I do!!! Whoohoo!!!!

Happy bride to be xxxx
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 29th, 2009
Men are Gross Pigs!
Men are Pigs!! and some women make money off that (which I think is worse, so you can't completely blame males) but in the end - if you get a good one he won't even want to have a stripper and he will relay that fact to his best man. He will value your feelings. And even if the pressure is on for him to have one last hoorah just lay some ground rules, i.e.- going to a strip club is okay but no private strippers. Private strippers would freak me out cuz you never know what may happen especially with peer pressure. At least in a strip club there are others around and strict rules, etc. The main thing is not to freak out too much, and make sure if they order a female stripper or plan on going to a club then you order a male one too..most guys will freak out when they think about you watching some handsome dude dance around and may even say ok! Dealbreaker! Good Luck!
|
Did you find this post helpful?