first of all, i wanted to say that you seem like a very rational and intelligent person. i am sorry to hear about the difficulties that you are going through, and just wanted to let you know that it does get easier with time, especially after the first year of keeping your mind clean.

just a reminder, people use to cover the discomforts of life. when you are not using, those discomforts creep back from the long repressed subconsciousness. they manifest as physical pain, cravings, itchiness, that feeling like you can't stand being in your own skin.

this is all normal. there are probably thousands of things in life which you may find to be disturbing, and this also is quite normal. we all experience frustration, and pain, and yes physiologically speaking, for the first few years you will continue to experience such sensations at a hightened level.

keep in mind that the problem is not the substance itself, but the fact that we never successfully learned to cope with existence itself. we *must* find alternate ways of dealing with frustration, and pain, and discomfort other than choosing to live in self delusion.

before you can find relief, you must face the things that trouble you the most, and decidedly and courageously resolve them, one by one. it may take years, but you will find that with every resentment or fear that you are able to identify and uproot out of your being, the pain and negativity of physical existance will lessen, and the ability to enjoy those rare and simple moments will return to you.

if you watch a child, they are born innocent, and become jaded with years. they become angry, violent, materialistic.

we must find a way to return to our natural and peaceful state.

believe in and surround yourself in that which inspires you most, be it love, music, nature, friends.

life is a precious gift once we overcome the years of programming that pulls us down. face yourself, and become that which you always dreamed of. it is within your reach bro.

you are not alone.

A lot of us think that once you stop using life will get nice again you will have great days and life would just make sense. Well this isnt the case. Using is just part of the problem. I congratulate you on stopping, I know its not easy. But now you are experiencing the aftermath, both physical and mental, of your using. May I ask what you used and how long?

I used daily for about 3 years-alcohol, pot, speed, whatever
Its taken me about that long to ovecome the mental and physical difficulties that the drugs left behind.

My mental stability is thanks to 3 years of AA, 6 months of extensive therapy and daily practice.

My teeth have barely been fixed and all the aches and pain also went away.

SO what you are going through could be just a result of quitting. Your body can take a long time to completely withdrawl. MY suggestion would be to take it easy and dont beleive for one second that everything gets back to normal just cause you have quit. Thats not the case.

Once your insurance kicks in start tackling each problem, one at a time. Get a physical. See a therapist if you need to talk and fix your meds. Start and excersise routine and eat healthy. Maybe even attend some AA meetings to meet other people in your shoes. This is a step by step healing process from the inside out. You have made it this far and you can definately become the healthy happy person you want to be.

pm me anytime to chat. I can share my experiences with you and maybe help

YANA rosie, thank you both. I need to hear that stuff.

[skip to last paragraph to see short version]

Rosie you asked some questions and I know I left out important details - things that matter to shape where I'm at.

Childhood was alcoholilc parents and accompanying disfunction. College partying but staying functional. I have resolved 'functional' to mean you still make it to work every day, so that's what I mean when I use that word.

12 years daily weed. My 'blame'-oriented language would be that a woman introduced me to getting stoned in the morning. From that day (I own it from that point on...) it was 12 years of weed and progressive daily drinking. Then, a year or so after my divorce, something special happened. A young woman introduced me to coke. After that I own it but I still have to remind myself of how it happened... The part I usually forget to tell those who accuse me of not owning my stuff is that I had a rule. I think the rule was an amazing pre-knowledge of what would happen if I broke the rule. Well, also it was common sense. "Don't go beyond weed and alcohol".

Funny thing, it's good I did. Getting to rock bottom bounced me out. God didn't promise to be gentle as he kicks my ass. My joke is "cocaine saved me from all that". I was trapped, feeling guilty about daily weed and alcohol. Coke/crack took me from 'functional addict' to broken in a big way. Then it played itself out. Including my brain caught fire and God pulled the fire alarm (everyone scattered) ...drug induced psychosis. Those stories get lots of laughs in treatment.

Ok I need to wrap up. 12 years daily weed and progressive alcohol and then a sudden switch to 1 and half years of cocaine moving on to crack. Then my $300K savings ran out and somehow (god only knows) this corresponds with my finally quitting and my stopping to resisit the system forcing me into inpatient.

just a reminder, people use to cover the discomforts of life. when you are not using, those discomforts creep back from the long repressed subconsciousness. they manifest as physical pain, cravings, itchiness, that feeling like you can't stand being in your own skin.

Depression pre-dates using in my case. My chemical adventures are definintely a fascination with self-medication under the cover of seeking a good time.

Congrats on quitting.. I had a similar experience to you. I smoked on and off for about 6 yrs. I used speed, extacy, ect on and off for about four yrs. I had drug induced psychosis aswell.
I haven't used drugs for about 5 yrs now and I can tell you that it does get better. I wouldn't say that I am 100% but pretty close now. i've also come to realise that alcohol seems to do more damage than good for me so i chose to give that up aswell. I find I get depressed for a couple of days after and then i always have the temptation to drink. I actually hate drinking to be honest but sometimes I get bored.
So what I'm trying to say is keep up the good work. It only gets better from where you have been. By better i don't mean fun filled days full of joy and happiness. i just mean a good simple normal life.

Thanks harmony.

This part: ["By better i don't mean fun filled days full of joy and happiness. i just mean a good simple normal life."] I am having a hard time accepting. There's a profound sadness to giving up hope of joy and fun. I think I 'self medicated' to seek fun (mainly the years of drinking and weed), then damaged my brain with cocaine, and now I'm further from the original goal and my self med.s are off limits...(to avoid further damage and because in my damaged state they don't accomplish the mission successfully). So I have to accept a relatively dull experience of life? Or find magical prescription meds that allow me experience joy - the joy I see others having without the use of any chemicals? Bummer.

I can totally understand where you are coming from but what you are feeling will pass with time. I had so much fun when i was younger myself but at the same time it wasn't fun. do you know what I mean? In a way it was almost a blessing that I had drug induced psychosis because my life started to get better, eventaully. I really had no choice but to give up or i would keep getting the psychotic symptoms. at first i played with it for a while having drugs very rarely or smoking pot for a while but you just get so sick of those voices that at some point you just have to say. Thats it. i'm done. i know whats going to make me better and that is to stop taking this stuff. I too have had the same prob with alcohol. Then soon i hated that drunk feeling and gave that up too. I missed it all soo much. i felt like I was so boring. i had no friends that were clean and my boyfriend wasn't either. i had my family though and my job at the time.
I don't know a couple of years went by and you just stop caring about all that stuff you leave behind. you start being the old you again just older and more maturer. start afresh... build a new life. Build a normal life. i can't tell you how good it feels to have a normal life. I absolutely love it. I really do..
You'll feel it too. Just give it some more time.

Harmony1 xo

Fish Faster --- have you gone in for a physical in a while? It might help to get the real stats on your internal organs via blood and urine analysis.

you say that you still have cravings but not as before so its a good news that you're almost there.Just don't stop battling yourself and never give because once you step back it would be worse than before.the symptoms you suffered by now tells you that you are not meant to that,so hold on until you reach the goal.I hope this WILL help you.PRAY to God and ask for help for He is the Great healer.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I used powerful prescription drugs for back pain for four years and needed more and more to get the same level of relief. Pretty soon, I was dependent and I began to feel worse from the drugs than I did with the back pain.

I finally quit a little over a year ago and I am just now starting to feel better. I was feeling what you are now (aches and pains, body feels like crap) just a few short months ago and now, I'm feeling better every day.

Everyone is right, stick with the battle because you don't ever want to go back to the drugs. It will be tougher to quit a second time and you need to know it does get better. One of the suggestions sounded good, though, about letting a doctor check out your organs and see if you have any residual damage. That could explain some of the discomfort.

Good luck.

Re: physical, yes that's the plan as soon as I get insurance coverage. I'm really looking forward to it...just have to be patient. I owe a lot on my past medical bills, so I'm determined to get insurance first.

Getting back to work, and getting the insurance is stressful right now. The job I was expecting to get is taking a lot longer that I was told. The owner of the company is waiting for some new work to come in before he hires me. It's out of my hands but I really hope I can get back to work soon. It will help a lot with how I feel (to have something to focus on all day).

I was finally able to send in my application for an occupational license. So in about a week I'll be driving for the first time in almost 2 years. Driving and having a good long term job are two of the final pieces for re-joining the 'normal' world. All total it's been almost 4 years since I had my s$#* together.

Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

Sounds like a plan. Medical insurance is a necessary thing these days.

I'm glad to hear that you feel you are re-emerging into the world. Remember to take it one day at a time. A little responsibility a little at a time is a good thing. How's it going with the drinking?

Ok. I drank a few days ago and it didn't end up feeling very good about it. That was Sunday I think. Since then I've been sober and doing productive things.

Have you tried going to church slidding. Start a new hobbie or learn something new(new sport, exercising, yoga, swimming, dancing, music, or learning a new musical instrument, or volunteeing) to help keep your mind focused on more positive stuff all the time. You have something to look forward to weekly or daily and help you keep you feet grounded.