The thing that's bothering me the most at the moment is - I don't know what's causing me to worry so much all the time, there are so many things that make me feel really bad that I don't know what the root cause of all of this is. I think it's the extremely horrific fear that I will one day hurt someone and show no emotion. I know it is an irrational thought but what if one day I become so bitter and twisted that I can't be happy that something inside me snaps and I lose control or just don't care anymore?! I would rather kill myself than harm someone but what if that thought were to change suddenly or over time?! (The thought makes me feel physically sick).I know that by far this is definatly my biggest worry and the worst thing that could possibly happen but it isn't just this that's stopping me from getting better.
These are the things I believe are stopping me from moving on and leading a productive and content life;
1, I don't want to do anything (short term not long term) - well, there is one thing I want to do, sleep. I enjoy sleeping because I don't have to do anything, I know that for the next few hours I will be able to relax my mind and not have to worry about anything. There are things I can tolerate doing (I say tolerate because I don't really want to be doing them, they aren't productive or helping me in anyway but I don't mind them), things like TV, reading, playing a computer game, doing a crossword and writing or looking on the internet for solutions to my problems. I know the last two can be detremental but I feel like I must find an answer, that there must be one somewhere. I obviously worry loads about not wanting to do anything because I don't want to do nothing forever, I want a life, a boyfriend, children, a career, friends, holidays, etc. but I don't know if I will ever be able to achieve these things with all that's going on in my head. I might be able to get them at some point further down the line but I fear that I will never enjoy them as much as I should. How can I love anyone when I can't love myself?
Everything else seems like such an effort, I feel so lazy but like there's no point doing anything because I'll only feel anxious if I do do it or I feel that it's a form of moving on and I'm scared to do that because if I start moving on then I'll be setting myself up for a huge fall which I know will come as soon as something makes me feel too anxious, I'm not sure how many more falls I can cope with.
2, Not knowing how I feel, not being able to think normally and confusion -
The first one is quite simple, I just don't know how I feel about anything, I have some emotions, I know, but they really don't feel strong at all and this scares me.
The not being able to think normally comes from the fact that I've worried about everything for so long (6 years!) that I can't remember the right way to think, the way I used to think, being able to think rationally about problems without catastrophizing them and then over analysing them. I feel like I always have to think deeper about my thoughts, like I need to. I don't know why I do this but I can't seem to stop.
The actual confusion is hard for me to explain, I don't know if it's an obssessive thought like "I'm confused" or if it is actually real. I feel confused and overwhelmed when I need to try and explain something, like this for example or it could be when I try and explain my feelings or my illness or anything that I don't fully understand I guess. It's like I'm trying to explain something incomprehensible, my mind draws a blank and I panic and then I start to feel depersonalized, it's a struggle to get through what I'm trying to think or say. This just gets worse until the subject is changed, it just feels as though my brain shuts down because it can't cope. It's one of the biggest reasons that I avoid talking to people, incase something comes up that I can't quite explain. I feel uncertain most of the time but if I'm sure about something (what I'm thinking, feeling or talking about) I generally feel ok, infact I feel slightly satisfied that it came out alright.
3, I can't get better with help from other people - when I was a child things were great because if an authority figure told me something I would just accept or believe it and then automatically stop worrying about whatever it was that was playing on my mind. Now, when someone tries to offer me help or advice I question it and think "well actually, you don't know anymore than I do it this is how my life will be from now on." My thoughts are really stubborn that nothing anyone tells me can or will help. I wish more than anything that I didn't think this but I don't know how to change it, how can I ever get better if I can't change this one thought?
Obviously writing this wont help me long term but it feels like such a relief to get my jumbled thoughts into some kind of order, I finally feel satisfied that I've been able to explain everything properly.
I'd love to see some advice, even if my thoughts stop me from taking heed of it right now it might benefit me in the future or be helpful to someone else.
i think you should write a book, focus your thoughts on writing. Well from your blog you have a number of paragraphs done, and thats from a person who does'nt want to do anything.
Put your feelings into it and read it on the following week. You may just find the answer to your questions.
You just gave me an idea on what I should be doing too.
thank you so much...i have been goin thru d same thing...it felt lyk u wer reading my mind...trust me i have been searching the net soo long for answers..but nothing seemed to click..even now..d houghts are runnin around my mind...i hav spoken to family and friends n notin seems to be workin...no amount of assurance is really working..