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Q: worried about being gay
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lateralj
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Replies(21)
CarolDiane
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calel84
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Okay, this is my first ever blog on an internet website. I can't believe there are other people going through this. I never pictured myself as someone who suffers OCD or specifically sexual OCD but after reading all your posts I'm curious as to whether that may be the case. I hope this provides some solace to someone who reads this.
- If you want to skip to the conclusion go to paragraph 8 onwards.
I'm going to cut right to the chase here. In the spirit of honesty, I had a homosexual experience when I was 16-17 but never really thought anything about it. I was in a period of experimentation and am more than happy to keep the past in the past. So I'd say with me it all started after a messy break-up with my ex-girlfriend. During our relationship I used to obsess over the thought she was going to cheat on me. It was completely irrational but I couldn't help it. My counsellor at the time suggested I try aversion therapy e.g. putting an elastic band around my wrist and pinging myself whenever a thought would come into my mind. 3 snapped elastic bands and one extremely raw hand later and I felt slightly better.
Well given my lack of trust and other issues it would come as no surprise that we didn't work out. It was a really messy breakup and as a result I ended up getting really hurt. I put on loads of weight and couldn't look at another woman for like 6 months. When I say I couldn't look at another women it wasn't for fear of spontaneously combusting or anything but merely because I was so depressed and heart-broken I didn't think I could love again (I know - How Emo you say).
Fast-forward a year or two and I'm at Uni, a whole new atmosphere with new people. After a while I started worrying about these thoughts about what if I'm gay? This really hit me hard and I became very depressed again. I became uncomfortable within myself and didn't have the same comfortable attitude I once had hanging around and socialising with gay people.
Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with gay people. I apologise in advance to any devout followers of the Christian faith but although, Roman Catholic, I don't believe in all that rubbish about homosexuality not being natural. Yeah it's probably not taboo but who are they to talk when they refer to Jesus walking on water or turning water in to wine? How is that natural?
Pardon my little rant there. Anyway, I got through Uni and I actually got better. I didn't think about it as much and was able to appreciate good-looking women once again (Eliza Dushku - FINE!!!). I even started dating a girl who I'm still with now just before graduating from Uni and we're still together now 3 and a 1/2 years strong.
Then I moved down to London i.e. away from where I considered home - the obsessive thoughts came back. I tried an extreme exposure therapy i.e. going to a couple of gay bars and seeing how I felt. Honestly, I thought it was funny. I realised gay people were actually pretty cool. However, it wasn't my tonic. A few guys came on to me and I was flattered but I felt nothing for them. I appreciated their sensitivity but the thought of consensual sex with them turned me cold inside.
To cut a long story short, I moved up to Leeds and back again down to London within the last 3 years and have noticed a strange correlation. Whenever I make a big move in my life these feelings return. They say "home is where the heart is" and I'm a strong believer in that. I define myself and who I am by my home and surroundings. So with having to make these big moves, it is almost a case of me being lost, i.e. losing my identity i.e. Am I gay or straight?
Something I would suggest everyone who suffers from these issues should do is, rather than trying to cure the symptom, try and cure the problem. Delve deeper, go see a counsellor, speak to people about there feelings. At the end of the day if you're gay, you're gay but I think you would know by now if you were.
From what I've seen, gay people tend to worry more about how they will tell people rather than them actually being gay. They know their sexual orientation but are ashamed. With me I would have images in my mind that would make me feel uncomfortable and that I couldn't shake and whenever I convinced myself it was nothing I would have that niggling voice of self-doubt telling me I was kidding myself and I had to be gay. However, I was more worried about why I had these thoughts than whether I wanted to act them out. I think I'll always be curious but never enough to jeapordise my relationship with my long-term girlfriend. She is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
At the end of the day all of your blogs have helped me understand what it is I'm feeling and I feel much better for writing all this down. I can only hope I can passivly reciprocate and someone will find this information of use.
To conclude - Don't worry my sexual OCD brothers and sisters, when the s**t hits the fan, you are not alone. There are so many others who face these trials and tribulations.
Try and go deep into the realms of your unconscious and try and see if there is anything else in your life you are not sure of. A lot of OCD sufferers face some kind of issue in their lifestyle that they can't control so they end up trying to control something else. The human mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You've got to find a way to make it work with you. Some people don't suffer from these conditions. You'll say they're lucky but I just say they're wired differently. You're as normal as they come.
In a nutshell just get on and live your life and quit worrying
Good luck!
I'm going to cut right to the chase here. In the spirit of honesty, I had a homosexual experience when I was 16-17 but never really thought anything about it. I was in a period of experimentation and am more than happy to keep the past in the past. So I'd say with me it all started after a messy break-up with my ex-girlfriend. During our relationship I used to obsess over the thought she was going to cheat on me. It was completely irrational but I couldn't help it. My counsellor at the time suggested I try aversion therapy e.g. putting an elastic band around my wrist and pinging myself whenever a thought would come into my mind. 3 snapped elastic bands and one extremely raw hand later and I felt slightly better.
Well given my lack of trust and other issues it would come as no surprise that we didn't work out. It was a really messy breakup and as a result I ended up getting really hurt. I put on loads of weight and couldn't look at another woman for like 6 months. When I say I couldn't look at another women it wasn't for fear of spontaneously combusting or anything but merely because I was so depressed and heart-broken I didn't think I could love again (I know - How Emo you say).
Fast-forward a year or two and I'm at Uni, a whole new atmosphere with new people. After a while I started worrying about these thoughts about what if I'm gay? This really hit me hard and I became very depressed again. I became uncomfortable within myself and didn't have the same comfortable attitude I once had hanging around and socialising with gay people.
Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with gay people. I apologise in advance to any devout followers of the Christian faith but although, Roman Catholic, I don't believe in all that rubbish about homosexuality not being natural. Yeah it's probably not taboo but who are they to talk when they refer to Jesus walking on water or turning water in to wine? How is that natural?
Pardon my little rant there. Anyway, I got through Uni and I actually got better. I didn't think about it as much and was able to appreciate good-looking women once again (Eliza Dushku - FINE!!!). I even started dating a girl who I'm still with now just before graduating from Uni and we're still together now 3 and a 1/2 years strong.
Then I moved down to London i.e. away from where I considered home - the obsessive thoughts came back. I tried an extreme exposure therapy i.e. going to a couple of gay bars and seeing how I felt. Honestly, I thought it was funny. I realised gay people were actually pretty cool. However, it wasn't my tonic. A few guys came on to me and I was flattered but I felt nothing for them. I appreciated their sensitivity but the thought of consensual sex with them turned me cold inside.
To cut a long story short, I moved up to Leeds and back again down to London within the last 3 years and have noticed a strange correlation. Whenever I make a big move in my life these feelings return. They say "home is where the heart is" and I'm a strong believer in that. I define myself and who I am by my home and surroundings. So with having to make these big moves, it is almost a case of me being lost, i.e. losing my identity i.e. Am I gay or straight?
Something I would suggest everyone who suffers from these issues should do is, rather than trying to cure the symptom, try and cure the problem. Delve deeper, go see a counsellor, speak to people about there feelings. At the end of the day if you're gay, you're gay but I think you would know by now if you were.
From what I've seen, gay people tend to worry more about how they will tell people rather than them actually being gay. They know their sexual orientation but are ashamed. With me I would have images in my mind that would make me feel uncomfortable and that I couldn't shake and whenever I convinced myself it was nothing I would have that niggling voice of self-doubt telling me I was kidding myself and I had to be gay. However, I was more worried about why I had these thoughts than whether I wanted to act them out. I think I'll always be curious but never enough to jeapordise my relationship with my long-term girlfriend. She is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
At the end of the day all of your blogs have helped me understand what it is I'm feeling and I feel much better for writing all this down. I can only hope I can passivly reciprocate and someone will find this information of use.
To conclude - Don't worry my sexual OCD brothers and sisters, when the s**t hits the fan, you are not alone. There are so many others who face these trials and tribulations.
Try and go deep into the realms of your unconscious and try and see if there is anything else in your life you are not sure of. A lot of OCD sufferers face some kind of issue in their lifestyle that they can't control so they end up trying to control something else. The human mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You've got to find a way to make it work with you. Some people don't suffer from these conditions. You'll say they're lucky but I just say they're wired differently. You're as normal as they come.
In a nutshell just get on and live your life and quit worrying
Good luck!
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buddyno1
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Andrew_Ryan
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try_dying
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