I got out of a long term serious relationship getting pretty much ****ed over. It was my first true love and really messed me up got me depresed, but I was able to deal with it, understanding that crap happens and life will go on. well, this past semester in school, I was taking on a large load 21 credit hours, in my junior year. I really did not realize it but i was just getting more and more stressed everyday and finally one day i just snaped i guess. It started by just having panic attacks, attacks that completely disabled me for about an hour if i had one, and they were comming constantly. I did not know what was going on, but with my school load i could not take a break and just relax and go see a dr so i just pushed threw them.
Well I finally couldent take it anymore went to the doctor, at this time i was assuming that i had a brain tumor or something along those lines causing these. He said i was just stressed and i needed to relax blah blah. He put me on lexapro 10mg to take daily for a month and gave me .5mg xanax to take if things get really bad at any given time.
Well the lexapro as far as i could tell really just made things worse so i stoped taking it, and the xanax scares me cause im scared i will get hooked on it and throw my life away and become a drug addict.
I worry about everything. I feel weird saying this but i was watching south park, a particular episode mocking chris hanson and his series how to catch a predator. I was laughing along untill the thought poped into my head that, what if im one of those creeps. Ive never had fantasies or anything like that about kids but i was worried that i was gonna be one. From there every time i say a kid i would panic like OH GOD. well after about 2 weeks of that I pretty much said enough is enough i know who i am and i am not that. So the anxeity from that has stoped, now its like i constantly worry about being homosexual.
My whole life ive had crushes dated like and been attracted to females. But recently im worried that what if im one of those guys who has a family then just abandon's them down the road because im actually gay and just did not realize it.
I can not get over this. Every guy i see its like as soon as i see them im just sitting there analyzing every feeling i have seeing if im attracted to them. Ive even watched and tried masturbating to gay porn. I see nothing wrong with homosexuals and their life style, but personaly i find it gross. but its like i keep worrying that im going to be gay. I still am attracted to girls, but shitt self confidence keeps me isolated and now i have anxiety if what if i do meet a girl and end up having sex and i cant get an erection cause im gay, or i have sex but i start imaging gay thoughts while im having sex with her.
I cant take this anymore and im just looking for some help/advice. I wish i could just turn my brain off. Well sorry for how long this is, but i dont really have anyone to talk to and needed to get things off my chest.
Again any help would be great, or just a reply telling me that im not insane would be nice, either way thanks for reading.
You could be suffering from aniety. Do you have trouble sleeping at night. This is also caused by runing thoughts due to the illness. No, you are not insane by any means. If you are gay or Bi, then you need to let it out now. If not it will haunt you for the rest of your life. You need to be happy for whatever reason it is. Sounds like your on the right track for anxiety with the medications you are on. You might need just a slight dosage change.
I know i need to let it come out, if the same sex turned me on honestly i would not have any problems being gay, but they just dont. being gay or bi just is not for me. I have been doing research and found that there is sexual OCD and perhaps that is what im experiencing.
I also wonder, and i know this seems stupid, but maybe i just need to be intimate close to a female again. I have not been close to a woman for about 3 years. No touching, communicating, anything. I think its because im so scared of getting hurt again like i did in my last relationship. Maybee its time I just let the past be the past and get out there and figure some stuff out.
Either way thanks for the reply, it feels good to talk about this, as its been troubling me for all to long now.
These are telltale signs of obsessive OCD thoughts. I have had the same ones trust me.
"What if I'm a molestar" everytime I saw a child
"Do I want to kill my girlfriend" if I was in the kitchen with my GF and a knife was there.
I also had the "Am I gay thought"
Right now I'm stuck on hypochondria.
However, I got over the other ones with Behavioral therapy.
Here are some tips:
OCD is always wrong. It is your mind pressing random buttons waiting to get you to respond. Don't question OCD just say nope thats wrong.
Also, if you were gay or a molestar you wouldn't feel anxious about it. You being anxious about those things pretty much makes it clear that you are not gay or a molestar.
You need to label these thoughts as OCD and wrong. I suggest seeing a behavorial therapist and if needed a Psychiatrist for drugs.
BTW I have fear of being hooked on Xanax. I get the smallest dossage and only take it when needed. My doctors have told me that I would need to take 4 times my daily dosage in order to get addicted.
Anyways you will be ok. I suggest again seeing someone for this don't be embarrased.
You can't imagine how embarrassed i felt to say to my doctor "I keep thinking the thought "Kill" when i say my girlfriends name in my head". He was like "oh you are a piece of cake is that it" then he explained the mind and anxiety.
And bam that horrible phase was gone. Like I said I'm not health obsessed but hey I'm working with him again and little by little I'll get better.
I know exactly how you feel. I used to walk down my college quad suddenly sick with anxiety because a dude was walking towards me and i was sure I was 'becoming' gay. It's unfortunate that anyone should have such an obsessive fear of a lifestyle change, but I had it.
I used to fear i was going bald. In fact i was so sure I shaved my head, and told a few of my friends. One looked at me like i was nuts and said, plainly, "no, you're not." and suddenly i knew he was right. what was I doing?
the worst part about being obsessive is the isolation it can cause. talk to someone. i feel that's really important. anxiety builds if it's a one way conversation. let that stuff out and start dating again
i have those feelings too. i have never been with another girl and have attended events such as festivals with gay people and never had i had these thoughts of being gay and sexual thoughts.
i have the most amazing boyfiend ever who I love soooo much and can imagine growing old with him and having kids and thats all I want in the world.
It started off when a girl whom i have known since the age of 3 statred in my work. when we were younger we woudl play houses and do the kissing scenes etc ha ha anbd as soon as I seen her thism clicked back into my head and the thought of being gay or bi sexual has been in my head ever since. It has prevented me going out and going on girlie nights with my friends and having sex with my boyfiend as these intrusive thoughts and images pop into my head and make me ill.
I went to a cognative behavioural therapist and that worked for about a month and all of a sudden it has came back and i cant stop thinking about a lesbain in my work whom I got on with fine before this and in no way do I find her attractive.
My anxiety alawys seems to get worse around the time of the month and I have just reently came off the pill. Cna any one agree/ give advice
Mate, you sound exactly the same as me, its scaryily similar lol.
I got out of a 4 year relationship in April (i am only 17) and it messed me up badly. Since the break-up i've been nervous about "could i be gay?" and anxiety really got ahold of me. Its bothered me ever since. I'm conceious of my movements and language, thinking that people might think i'm gay.
I know i'm not, but it doesn't stop these thoughts from happening.
On several occasions, I've gone to have sex with my current girlfriend and been unable to perform because i get nervous about this whole situation. Its embarrassing and bothering me on a day to day basis.
I've read up on this, and it is an OCD. I am certain that is what you have too! I've been told it will go away and i'm sure that it will! If you are of a similar age, then hormones are extremely active through-out your body and the sudden emotional distress can cause anxiety.
I go through good and bad patches with these thoughts, but i'm sure that eventually it will go. The more you focus/talk about this problem, the more your mind is concentrating on it and getting yourself more worked up.
Just relax, go to parties, find a girl and have a good time. Don't worry, this will go, millions of people are experiencing this too!
Im 18 and the same has been happening to me for the past 18 months having the same obsessive thoughts about being gay,i am always wondering if im walking in a afeminate way or if my voice sounds feminine,i get a feeling of upmost dread and i end up not wanting to speak 2 anyone i just want 2 sit by myself and search the net trying to cure myslf i have been going 2 councelling for a number of thhings but i cnt bring myself to tell her i seriously think its ocd like you i have nothing against them but i just dnt like what they do u should consider councelling though
thanks for this, I've been feeling the same way and have been freaking out about it. I worried about it so much that I convinced myself that I have a crush on a girl, whithout much proof to start. I realized, however, that when I have a crush on a guy, I'm worried about what he'll think of me, but with this "crush" on this girl, I'm worried about what I'll think of her. does this mean I'm straight? I think it's just this ocd thing that you guys are talking about
I'm glad there are people in the same situation. My anxiety about other girls passing and analysing them are not as bad. But there is one girl in my workplace who is openly gay. and she actually looks like ( i know this sounds horrible) an uglier version of a guy I used to know. She is constantly on my mind and making my life hell. I ask myself why do I have these thoughts does this mean I like her. Everytime I think of something I do with my gorgeous boyfriend such as watch TV, lie in bed, smell his cloths and pillows just to smell him ( sad i know ha ha) I have intrusive thoughts and images of it being her and I cant stand it. It has got soooo bad I have had suicudal thoughts and am the majority of the time depressed but I dont want to be on antidepressants incase I get addidcted.
I keep checking if she is in work and today I thought I'm going to walk past her to face my fear and when I did I just laughed cause I dont know why I get in such a state. if she was a boy she would defo not be my type. I have these thoughts when im listening to my favourite music, doing things with my bf.
I have told my mum about these thoughts and she was supportive at first but now she id fed up of me going on. I constatnly meed to make fun of or talk about the lesbian in my work to get others peoples opinions and reassure myself. I have no other problems on speaking to any other girls and as said above been to music festivals etc with gay people. I have also had some other ocd thoughts when i was younger like someone breaking into my house and obducting me, peadophilea, killing a loved one, and passing my exams.
Please help any one got any tips to reduce the thoughts xxxx
Wow!! I have went to almost something similar with a girl in my class who looked like a man. Everything day seemed so confusing to me. I actually became numb and emotionless because my anxiety level triggered girls and woman of ALL ages!! I was discusssed with myself. I kepted hearing my voice saying ur gay ur gay where ever i went. i was going insane. i broke up with my ex and didnt feel hurt after that. i did sooo much research on this and thank god ppl have been through what ive been through. i know what i am and I wouldnt be feeling this anxious if i was...u know? Now my mind cant function properly...read my post if ur interested. what did u do to help?
This is anxiety my friend. it is very much a sign of OCD. I had pretty much the same problem, i still suffer from it today. doc recommends i take medicines but i prefer not to to be quite honest. mate you have nothing to worry about believe me. be happy with yourself, and really try hard to just relax and say no with confidence to the thought, despite that anxious feeling in your belly.
U will have days were u feel completely confident and your usual expected straight self. you will have other days where u may feel a lack of confidence and anxiety. remember yr mind is your own, what yr thinking are yr thoughts, no1 else is listening to them. relax man, u just have OCD like many other people do. u are a straight person and yr anxiety around homesexual thoughts clearly points to that.
yr mind will try to get u to think that yr not so anxious thinking them anymore and that may mean yr gay. its all rubbish, and it all points to this OCD. accept u have OCD and just get on with yr life as normal, and each time u obsess say im over doing it here. keep calm, u ll grow older and u ll slowly mature to reason better.
its sooo great to hear. just booked a holiday to the carrabien with my boyfriend so im moving forward and feek good about it. if it helps i bought 2 books from amazon only started reading the first one last week and read the back of the second one and they are helping sooooo much alredy.
These are feeling good the new mood therapy by Brian D Burns and Brain Lock over coming your ocd.
I have been ... super anxious about all this "am I gay stuff" for about 8 months now. When it first happened, it really scared me, I was a total wreck! I am in university, it affected my grades and everything. I searched my mind over and over again for any memories of my childhood that would prove that I am gay. I KNOW THAT I"M NOT!! Before all this happened I had two very sexual experiences with my two best girlfriends, but BOTH times I was never was "sexually satisfied" nor did I have romantic feelings about them. I never though about them, or anything like that for three years! Just the recent past eight months have been torture.. its like there is somebody in my head telling me I'm gay when I know I'm not. I love my boyfriend of three years, he is the one I want to grow old with, and he knows of my problem and is very supportive, but I don't think he fully understands. IT NEVER GOES AWAY, im constantly looking around classrooms to see if I find girls attractive, sometimes i try looking for men that i find attractive, and my concoius tells me that impossible because im gay. Anyways I thought all this time i was the only one this had ever happened to, and you guys just made me feel so much better. I think I'll try talking to someone professionally about it now.
Love you! To the people I don't even know, but know how I'm feeling. I know its rough. Keep talking here if it helps . Anyone?
Okay, this is my first ever blog on an internet website. I can't believe there are other people going through this. I never pictured myself as someone who suffers OCD or specifically sexual OCD but after reading all your posts I'm curious as to whether that may be the case. I hope this provides some solace to someone who reads this.
<Warning: Extremely long message approaching> - If you want to skip to the conclusion go to paragraph 8 onwards.
I'm going to cut right to the chase here. In the spirit of honesty, I had a homosexual experience when I was 16-17 but never really thought anything about it. I was in a period of experimentation and am more than happy to keep the past in the past. So I'd say with me it all started after a messy break-up with my ex-girlfriend. During our relationship I used to obsess over the thought she was going to cheat on me. It was completely irrational but I couldn't help it. My counsellor at the time suggested I try aversion therapy e.g. putting an elastic band around my wrist and pinging myself whenever a thought would come into my mind. 3 snapped elastic bands and one extremely raw hand later and I felt slightly better.
Well given my lack of trust and other issues it would come as no surprise that we didn't work out. It was a really messy breakup and as a result I ended up getting really hurt. I put on loads of weight and couldn't look at another woman for like 6 months. When I say I couldn't look at another women it wasn't for fear of spontaneously combusting or anything but merely because I was so depressed and heart-broken I didn't think I could love again (I know - How Emo you say).
Fast-forward a year or two and I'm at Uni, a whole new atmosphere with new people. After a while I started worrying about these thoughts about what if I'm gay? This really hit me hard and I became very depressed again. I became uncomfortable within myself and didn't have the same comfortable attitude I once had hanging around and socialising with gay people.
Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with gay people. I apologise in advance to any devout followers of the Christian faith but although, Roman Catholic, I don't believe in all that rubbish about homosexuality not being natural. Yeah it's probably not taboo but who are they to talk when they refer to Jesus walking on water or turning water in to wine? How is that natural?
Pardon my little rant there. Anyway, I got through Uni and I actually got better. I didn't think about it as much and was able to appreciate good-looking women once again (Eliza Dushku - FINE!!!). I even started dating a girl who I'm still with now just before graduating from Uni and we're still together now 3 and a 1/2 years strong.
Then I moved down to London i.e. away from where I considered home - the obsessive thoughts came back. I tried an extreme exposure therapy i.e. going to a couple of gay bars and seeing how I felt. Honestly, I thought it was funny. I realised gay people were actually pretty cool. However, it wasn't my tonic. A few guys came on to me and I was flattered but I felt nothing for them. I appreciated their sensitivity but the thought of consensual sex with them turned me cold inside.
To cut a long story short, I moved up to Leeds and back again down to London within the last 3 years and have noticed a strange correlation. Whenever I make a big move in my life these feelings return. They say "home is where the heart is" and I'm a strong believer in that. I define myself and who I am by my home and surroundings. So with having to make these big moves, it is almost a case of me being lost, i.e. losing my identity i.e. Am I gay or straight?
Something I would suggest everyone who suffers from these issues should do is, rather than trying to cure the symptom, try and cure the problem. Delve deeper, go see a counsellor, speak to people about there feelings. At the end of the day if you're gay, you're gay but I think you would know by now if you were.
From what I've seen, gay people tend to worry more about how they will tell people rather than them actually being gay. They know their sexual orientation but are ashamed. With me I would have images in my mind that would make me feel uncomfortable and that I couldn't shake and whenever I convinced myself it was nothing I would have that niggling voice of self-doubt telling me I was kidding myself and I had to be gay. However, I was more worried about why I had these thoughts than whether I wanted to act them out. I think I'll always be curious but never enough to jeapordise my relationship with my long-term girlfriend. She is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
At the end of the day all of your blogs have helped me understand what it is I'm feeling and I feel much better for writing all this down. I can only hope I can passivly reciprocate and someone will find this information of use.
To conclude - Don't worry my sexual OCD brothers and sisters, when the s**t hits the fan, you are not alone. There are so many others who face these trials and tribulations.
Try and go deep into the realms of your unconscious and try and see if there is anything else in your life you are not sure of. A lot of OCD sufferers face some kind of issue in their lifestyle that they can't control so they end up trying to control something else. The human mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You've got to find a way to make it work with you. Some people don't suffer from these conditions. You'll say they're lucky but I just say they're wired differently. You're as normal as they come.
In a nutshell just get on and live your life and quit worrying
Thanks for all the posts i have been feeling the same way for abiut a month or 2 now and everything i was feeling was everyrhing that was posted. Even tho im drunk right now i feel like this is what is happening to me as well. I would definitely want to talk to a counselor about thisbut the fear of my mom dountig my sexuality is holding me back. What shiuld i do?
im just goin throught this. ive been with my gf for 2 yrs now and i love her. then we were talking about one of her frinds who is gay and she asked me if i thought he looked good. i didnt think anything of it but then the last week its being goin over and over in my head and ive become really scared. im not gay. ive neva felt attacted to a boy or want to have sex with a boy. it keeps goin over and over in my head and images pop into my head but im so discusted by them that they qwickly go. if any one could give me any advice i would be so greatful. i really feel like im losing it. im feel so depressed and have felt this way about other things. please someone help me.
you seem to have a huge worrying/anxiety disorder with a general negative feeling towards things. I don't think you have anything to worry about being gay, and thinking a man (like brad pitt or somebody like that) is a good looking bloke doesn't mean you're gay either, if a really sexy woman sends that tingly lusting feeling down your spine i think you have the answer that you're straight right there. I think you just worry about things way too much, and if you realise this then it will help control things.
You don't need any medication, anxiety is really all in the head. Just realise, and keep telling yourself that there's nothing to worry about. If there was really something to worry about your body would tell you accordingly.
look get over the bs, there is a hard and fast rule, if u think ur gay... firstly jack off over gay porn, (slowly) not hard enuf that ull cum wotever ur seeing, just enuf to keep th little bugger amused if u know wot i meen. or watch a half hour of it without touching to see if it gets 'en action'... if that works try it for real,(if it works well u know th answer((bi)or gay) if it doesnt then u know ur straight. not a diff test. the first thing any1 with any problem should realise, if socially BS answers dont work then make ur own. lie to anyone, but the moment you honestly lie to urself is wen u start fexing urself up.#1 stop kidding urself, fex all else but be honest to u.
also i forgot to mention theres a HUGE diff between admiring how another same gender appears, and finding them sexually attractive(i.e GREAT muscles, etc.) or from female POV 'i wish i had tits like that'