when I was 8, the older boys at the after school program would always touch me and kiss me. This often involved putting there hands in my pants. It never really seemed wrong. Like I knew the adults where never suppost to know but I never thought to tell about what was happening. It was like normal. As I got a bit older like 10 I always felt like my parents always would make comments about how I was a fast little girl and things like that. I never ment any of those things I never wanted any of it. I cant for the life of me under stand why they would think that I could have any possible sexual desires at that age. Just so embarssing and I feel so confused about all the things that happend when I was younger. Where does exploration stop and abuse begin? I mean what part of that was normal? And I feel bad. I'm not a survivor I never felt any pain. And I wish that I did. I wish I was hurt. I wish there was pain. So I could cry, so I could be on the same plain. So I could say that I went through this or that. So I could understand or relate. Like my "abuse" wasnt bad enough and I dont really know. Its weird. It feels kinda sick and wrong? To kinda say that I wish someone had really abused me as a kid - thats terrible. What the hell is wrong with me? Really some body tell me? Is it normal to wish or think that you wish you had actully been raped or beatn worst.