Will our relationship suffer because of this

32 years ago I had an abortion. I became afraid and unnecessarily anxious that I may not be able to have any more children as there were complications following the abortion. I was re admitted to hospital for a further operation under anaesthetic.

I was married in a stable and loving relationship and 27 years old. I visited a family planning clinic and told the counsellor of my fears. She said there was only one way to find out if I could conceive again and suggested making a hole in the condom and wait and see. I can only think I thought this must be OK to do since it was a professional who was advising it. I did this without discussing it with my then husband and became pregnant. I was so thrilled. A year or so later I confessed what I had done to my husband and he was understandably very upset but we discussed the circumstances and went on to have more children but eventually divorced. Around the time of the divorce he brought this event up again. It was as if he still hadn’t got over it even though that’s not what I thought.

I have always felt huge guilt for doing this but have wrestled with this and come to think that what’s done is done and have forgiven myself. I am now divorced but have a good life on my own. My children are grown and the memory of what I did back then has faded and my life is happy. I have a good relationship with my children.


Recently I told my son what happened. I wish I hadn't. He told me he’s OK with the news but I’m not so sure. I think he is now questioning whether the relationship he has with his father has been affected by what I did. He said the woman at the family clinic was responsible for his birth and not me and his dad. He doesn’t want to discuss this with me because its his problem which I understand. I’m now concerned whether the relationship I have with my son will be tarnished. We have a close and loving relationship usually and to lose this would be heartbreaking for both of us.

I have been uncaring to think it would be ok to tell him about this and not consider the consequences. Now I am full of regret and guilt. Please help.