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Will our relationship suffer because of this

32 years ago I had an abortion. I became afraid and unnecessarily anxious that I may not be able to have any more children as there were complications following the abortion. I was re admitted to hospital for a further operation under anaesthetic.

I was married in a stable and loving relationship and 27 years old. I visited a family planning clinic and told the counsellor of my fears. She said there was only one way to find out if I could conceive again and suggested making a hole in the condom and wait and see. I can only think I thought this must be OK to do since it was a professional who was advising it. I did this without discussing it with my then husband and became pregnant. I was so thrilled. A year or so later I confessed what I had done to my husband and he was understandably very upset but we discussed the circumstances and went on to have more children but eventually divorced. Around the time of the divorce he brought this event up again. It was as if he still hadn’t got over it even though that’s not what I thought.

I have always felt huge guilt for doing this but have wrestled with this and come to think that what’s done is done and have forgiven myself. I am now divorced but have a good life on my own. My children are grown and the memory of what I did back then has faded and my life is happy. I have a good relationship with my children.


Recently I told my son what happened. I wish I hadn't. He told me he’s OK with the news but I’m not so sure. I think he is now questioning whether the relationship he has with his father has been affected by what I did. He said the woman at the family clinic was responsible for his birth and not me and his dad. He doesn’t want to discuss this with me because its his problem which I understand. I’m now concerned whether the relationship I have with my son will be tarnished. We have a close and loving relationship usually and to lose this would be heartbreaking for both of us.

I have been uncaring to think it would be ok to tell him about this and not consider the consequences. Now I am full of regret and guilt. Please help.
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replied May 11th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Unwise to unburden yourself in that way but I expect the damage caused will fade in time...

I think the big shock was for your son to discover his mother isn't the goddess every loving son feels his particular mother to be and to find you are really quite ordinary after all...

In time he will realise his conception wasn't accidental but was planned and hoped for by you! Even with a hole in a condom (pin-hole presumably or it could have been noticed) it doesn't guarantee pregnancy even if you are ovulating - there is still elements of chance at work, such as the spermicidal lubricant on the condom...
Women get pregnant all the time when condoms are used. They are considered to be only just a little better than 70% safe even without holes - a moment of inattention, carelessness or a split and you could have been a mother without your efforts to aid nature and Fate...

Perhaps Fate also wanted you to have a child and took a hand...
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replied May 11th, 2012
Thankyou. You touched on an important issue to do with wanting to do everything right in life and to be a perfect mother/human which I am not and neither is anyone. It puts it into perspective when you say I am not the goddess my son may have felt me to be. He will need to realise I am human with faults, regrets and imperfections - ie human.

I was so sure that condom was the one which was responsible for the conception but of course as you say it may not have been. I hadn't really thoughtof that possibility before. I certainly wanted my son and so did his dad - they are close now. Thank you fate if it was you that took a hand in it. You put it so nicely, thanks.
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