I know a first step in any relationship is to look at yourself, but I'm now completely at a loss with how to raise children with a wife who says anything and everything in front of our children (17, 16, 10, and 6). We've had difficulty with our 16 yr old since he was very young, and the arguments that he and my wife get into are horrendous. The problem escalates through the roof when my wife perceives that I am 'not backing her up'. I err on her 'side' as much as possible, especially in front of the children, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to blindly support her rage. Example: this morning on the way to church my wife began yelling at our 10 yr old for leaving his scooter out in the yard and made him get out and put it away. The 16 yr old (who had spent the night at a church event without food and sleeping outside to raise awareness for the homeless) commented 'wow, I was happier homeless' in response to my wife's temper display. Wife immediately pounced on this and yelled at him about his rudeness, and I stated that his comment was not very bright and was inappropriate. About two minutes went by in silence, then wife lays into 16 yr old again. 'So you'd rather be homeless? Get out right now'. This was repeated in some form with increasing volume all the way to church. The kid shouldn't have made his remark, though I took it as a poor attempt at humor and an indirect disrespect. However, wife responded with disproportionate fury and is now even more furious that I told her (in private) that though I agree the kid's comment was wrong, she was also wrong in some of the things she said.
Problem: Marriage counseling has never worked in 17 years together. I am being held hostage to this dysfunction because I love my children and love being a dad. If I leave she gets the kids. If I leave the kids will be even more hurt. Is there a way to make her get help that works or be able to raise my children without her. She doesn't work, but we have enough money (I'm an Army officer with over twenty years of service). I've thought about moving out and living in our fifth wheel. Anyone been through something like this? It's easy to say 'put your foot down' but the reality is that when someone wants to behave badly you can't just beat them into submission - at least not in a family.