Unfortunately everything you decribe defines my life & relationship w/ my wife. I feel so powerless in trying everything to make things work out and getting no where. We just had our 21st anniversary but I am constantly amazed at how quickly things turned for the worst. And, honestly it doesn't seem there is anything I can do about (I like you have tried everything).
I will pray for you in hopes that you find a place of peace in your life and that you at least gain a direction to follow. As unhappy as things have been, I know I would at least want that and some certainty in things, good or bad.
I wish I had read some stories w/ happier endings but I haven't (yet). GL w/ things, I will hope for the best for you. God bless.
I am so sorry that you are in the same boat on such stormy seas. It's odd but I find some comfort in knowing that I am not alone. There seem to be many more of us than one would know about and very little personal help or advice.
I also wish you all the best and hope that you find a good wind by which to sail that will take you to a safe port.
Wow. I am not alone. There is some comfort in that. The husband here. I'm observing most of the same symptoms in my dear anger monster that others describing and ascribing to menopause. She is 7 years older than me - in her late fifties. She went through menopause early. So it doesn't explain wholly her increasing rage and personality change now. In her/our case, a lot has to do with ones life vision - hopes, hopelessness, etc. I am in a long term career, still gainfully employed. We've been living on my single income for a while now. She hasn't been gainfully employed for years and is now among those unemployed that give up. She's had long standing depression issues. Was using various antidepressnat drugs, but has completely gone off of them - they didn't help. She was in counseling for years, then determined that didn't work and cussed out her therapist for billing her for multiple no-show visits. So that relationship is severed. She leaves in her wake people, doctors, pharmacists, businesses that just don't want to have dealings with her. Nothing can be done right. Everyone is a jerk. Nobody knows what they are doing, etc etc etc. Including me. Like others have said about their own experiences, she now only finds faults in me. She blames everything that has gone wrong for her on my. Afterall, "it happaned on your watch buddy" (said with piercing anger). I can do nothing right. She uses this as an excuse to lambast me - she might have been in a decent mood, but I didn't clean something right and she'll launch into a tirade. She's become a master at making it look like I triggered her, as if I fixed my behavior, she wouldn't need to explode. So anyway... happiness to a large extent is an inside job. I'm not so sure it's just menopause. I hear y'all and totally understand.
Thank God for these posts. I had a wonderful wife and life for 24 of the past 26 years. Both my wife and I are 52 years old, and rarely argued. We were a team and great friends. After menopause and having an ovary removed, my wife displayed most of the symptoms of the change, but also started drinking heavily (up to 12 beers a day) and taking prescription anti-anxiety meds. Our lives fell apart. Our kids are 19 and 23 years old, and are both out of the house now. She is recovering in AA, and I am attending Al-Anon meetings every week, but she has fallen off the wagon many times. I do believe menopause aggravated the addiction, and has changed our lives forever. Thanks again for your posts.
My partner of more than 10 years had a hysterectomy approximately 3-4 years ago, and slowly but surely started to become a different person. In February of this year, we split, after a brief try at marriage guidance. When I say brief, we had one session, after which she told me within one hour of the meeting that she was no longer in love with me, and wanted me to stay away from the house for 6 or more months while she decided what she felt about the relationship, and that she could give me no promise whether we would ever get back together. As you can imagine, I was utterly distraught. My wife and my kids (one natural, one step) were my world.
Our life together was not always a bed of roses with a lot of external pressures, illnesses and grief, but we were essentially a strong unit, who gave our children the best we could and tried to be open and honest with each other.
In the months prior to the split, my wife became very introverted and depressed. She blamed her moods on me, stating that I was always angry and that everyone expected too much of her. I was suffering from an undiagnosed case of fybromyalgia which meant I rarely slept, was in constant pain, and often suffered from "fybro-fog". Thankfully I've now been diagnosed and my quality of life has improved greatly, except I no longer have a home, no longer have a wife, and get limited access to my son.
Since the split, my wife has become more and more aggressive. She took out a non-molestation order against me the day after we split claiming that she is frightened of me, yet I've never assaulted her or threatened her, refuses to have any sort of contact with me regarding our child and home, has refused to consider mediation in order to at least iron out some of our problems, and is now trying to take me back to court to have another non molestation order raised again because she says I'm pestering her, when in fact all I've tried to do is reach out to her, and help her to understand that this whole nightmare is wrecking everyone's life.
I really don't know what to do. I don't want to have to go to court and hurt her by defending myself but I see no option. I cant understand what's driving her to be so cruel, and I've not even been afforded the luxury of knowing what I've done to make her treat both myself, and my family like this.
My wife of 23 years is also going threw menopause, the past 2 years. We where always very close, best friends, laughed all the time, very seldom argued and if we did it would only last an hour or so. Now I am remind weekly how she wasted the last 23 years of her life, and that she is going to leave. I believe that she would but she does not have a job, and has not worked in the past year and a halve. I am so hurt and saddened by her remarks and attitude. This is not the same woman I married. I pray all the time that I can have my wife back. I know she will never be the same, and I don't know what will happen to our marriage. I wish I knew that she would be normal again in a few years, I don't care about the sex, however I do miss it. If nothing else I hope that my broken heart mends. Well guys just know that you are not alone.
Whadayano, I knew menopause was affecting her attitude negatively. I thought that would pass, but then again she always had a temper. Now the rage is severely oppressive. She lashes out at everybody. It's been going on for 5 years. I've got a sick daughter and young grandson we are caring for. And yes, I have needs too. I understand this is a lot more common than it should be. There has got to be a better answer than this. Talking about it does not make it better.
I've completely changed since the onset of menopause. I started perimenopause (sp) around 40 years old. I had all the symptoms...mood swings, anxiety, depression, insomnia...the list goes on. My doctor told me I was too young.
At 44, I stopped having my period. My doctor finally did a hormone panel and told me I was in menopause. My symptoms got worse. She put me on HRT, and after taking that for quite some time, it didn't help.
I got to the point of severe depression....fatigue...angry...irritable.
I stopped taking the HRT and went to a hormone specialist. They put me on bio-identical hormones. They have helped. I'm not back to my old self, but I've noticed a difference. I've only been on them for 3 weeks....and I have a follow up appt to have blood work, and to make adjustments in my doses, as necessary.
Menopause can cause SO many changes. I've been married for 16 years. My husband has tried to be understanding. But, there have been many times that I just don't care if the marriage works out or not. I realize that a lot of this is because of my hormones...and feeling so bad all the time. After feeling like that for 2 years, you just want to give up.
I would suggest to women going through this to reach out to a doctor who specializes in bio-identical hormones. I've found that normal doctors don't know anything about it, and won't prescribe them. They give you the synthetic hormones...and basically tell you to deal with it. Seek out help from a doctor that knows all the side effects of menopause, are understanding, and want you to feel better.
My original doctor made me feel like I was crazy. Even suggesting I see a psychiatrist. - Then I found this forum, and realized that I was not alone, and I was not crazy. There are a lot of women who are struggling with this.
I am a product too of the cave! although I need to force myself to be diffrent, (I have a 9 and 11 year old) I am 50 and I pretty much have done a 360...If it were up to me , i would never even leave the house!!. I was so kind and out going at one time....NOW...forget it! can't stand my friends, Can't stand my husband (who has been so good in so many ways) I don't like his voice, the way he eats, everything he does gets on my nerves!!! I really think (sometimes) I have good reason to feel the way I do, for instance.....Husband means well but putting a wet mop to dry outside on top of the mulch is not something I appreciated. I have become very anti-social....I honestly think I'm always reading into things wrong, therefore if I avoid getting into positions with people.... I don't need the head drama I give myself! I am just weathering the storm in the hope that some fine day I will wake up and find it was just a season in my life that is over! Until then...I just keep my faith and fight the good fight!
Oh wow Sue, I am the same way. I stay at home as much as possible. I don't want to do anything. Although, I have to at times.
I'm also the same way with my husband....his voice, the way he eats (especially chips...the crunch noise makes me want to slap him silly).
I was always very outgoing too. Now, forget about it. I hate feeling this way.
This is definitely one time in my life that I don't like being a woman.
My sex drive...well, there is no Drive anymore...only Neutral & Reverse. My husband says....you can "fix" it, go back to the doctor!!! Really??? I've been going to the stupid doctor for 7 years...they haven't fixed a darn thing!
I'm 52 (the doctor said I wasn't even in menopause yet) and have had serious anxiety and depression for over a year and a half. I started to avoid my husband (who is going to be my ex very soon) and couldn't stand to be around him. Then I developed a huge British addiction thanks to one certain actor and decided I just had to go there last year. Well, things went from bad to much worse because of that. I ended up meeting an Englishman and fell head over heels for him, although he suffers from mental problems. We met each other again in Spain and it only made my obesession worse. He, on the other hand, did not fall in love with me, although we have communicated over the internet over the months. I had tried to go back to England with him after the Spain trip but was denied entry because I hadn't obtained a return ticket. This has made my life hell as to trying to return to England. So, things have been very complicated and expensive. And my kids (even the grown-up ones) aren't too happy about how weird their mom has become. It's absolutely scary how I've lost my feelings for everyone except this one guy. I wish there was a cure for this. I feel horrible everyday and just miss this guy and want to be back with him. This obsession is driving me nuts and I have a burning sensation in my mouth constantly. This is a true living hell. No reason or medications will take care of it, either.
Hysterectomy stole my heart, soul, hair, and youthful skin
Hysterectomy changed me into a person I don't recognize. And all my gynecologist should have done was remove an ovarian cyst. Not only have I been robbed of my body's own hormones (which have caused rapid aging), I've been robbed of my pelvic integrity. I miss my beautiful intact figure and hate the post-hysterectomy thick, shortened midsection and the resulting back, hip, and rib cage pain. And my internal anatomy has changed too causing bladder and bowel issues - just hope I'm not one of the many hyst'd women who need surgery to suspend organs especially with all the complications from these surgeries.
I wish my husband would read this forum.
I really want this menopause hell to be over.
I abused alcohol for a long time to deal with it and just created another problem.
Now whenever the menopause symptoms have me by the throat he thinks I'm drinking again. Though I'm not.
I want my perspective, humor, and goodwill back.
I am 44 and my wife is 50 - she is currently starting to go thru menopause. we've been married 8 years. from what my wife told me she's actually in pre-menopause.
for 4 years now i'm living with a woman i dont know. She cant talk just yells, no sex at all, can't communicate, and blames me for everything thats wrong with her life.
We do not have children together and i'm ready to leave as quietly and swiftly as possible, i do not beleive any man should go through such abuse for any reason.
it will drive anyone insane. i listened to all these stories but not one time did i read of any hope or any happy ending. someone once told me that after the menopause was over, my wife i married would be back. If that were the case i would have hope. but as far as I'm concerned my wife has left and replaced herself with an evil clone. Is there any hope? does anyone have a happy ending? If not i would think someone would be foolish to stick around in that kind of enviroment, especially when your wife obviously is not interested in you anymore and is using harmones as a reason.
I love my wife but not the imposter that took over her body.
It would be great to hear of any hope or any reason to continue to subject myself to my wifes abuse.
Trust me she doesn't love the imposter that took over her body either!!!!
And she too is going through hell and feels as insane as she appears to you.
We wake up one morning and that's it we no longer recognize ourselves and have zero control over it.
It's very confusing and frustrating for us too.
she is right that it is indeed the hormones doing this to her (and you!).
Everytime she yells at you tell her and yourself it is the hormones and ask her to count to 10 then come and talk to you about what is bothering her.
I wish you all the best and please be kind and patient
Well I also tried to drink and smoke my way through menopause ( I thought it was a perfectly good stategy at the time) and it didn't work.. sadly only made my symptoms worse. Menopause is TORTURE!!!!!! The best ever advice I got was not from a doctor, but from a middle aged dress saleswoman who said to me, "grin and bear it, nothing works".. and "HRT just puts off the inevitable".
So do what my husband did, get on craigslist and find a younger thing not going through menopause! I'm still going through menopause and he wants to "move forward". Can anyone out there tell me how to do that? Yes I'm in the rage stage, but really??
That is just sad. How could he leave you at a time like this, when you need him the most? (You, don't need to answer that.)
This would have been the perfect time for him to prove his love for you by being faithful and caring. What he did is unforgivable. And, he only proved himself unworthy of you. You are better off without him.
Well, your "rage stage" here is justified. Twice,at that. No one can argue it or say otherwise. You have every right to feel rage. Hopefully, you don't act out or lash out because of that rage. You might hurt those who don't deserve it.
How to move one? Find better things to do with your time. Occupy your time with meaningful activities for you to enjoy. Distract yourself from anxiety by catching up with those people who matter. Concentrate on getting better at coping with menopause. Look for hobbies that can manipulate your time and attention. Spend some quality time with yourself. These are some of the things which can help you move on from the pain of being betrayed and from the condition you are going through.
Hopefully, you do get to move on someday, preferably in the near future. Best of luck and take good care of yourself. Be happy, you deserve to be.
The only trouble with "young things" is that sooner or later they become "menopausal things" too and he'll be back where he started LOL (I actually know a guy that left his wife for a younger woman because wife number 1 was having a hard time with the menopause - and now, many years later, the younger wife is in the same boat - and so is he hahahaha!)
Thank you for responding, what you have said makes total sense. Unfortunately, there is not much "sense" in my world these days. I knew menopause had several physical problems, but until I researched several days ago I didn't know there were psychological problems also.
I look back and see myself going inside myself. I didn't realize at the time, but family and friends just kept getting further and further away. I am not at all blaming myself for what my husband did, he knew as much about the effects of menopause as I did, nothing.
I've lost interest in so many things I used to love. I just figured I was getting older and lazier but I've been digging a deeper hole and crawling into it at the same time. I used to be so social but now I am "afraid" of going out and doing things.
We were both ignorant of this time of a woman's life. I had my husband read all the research I found and he couldn't believe how horrible what I am going through is. He thought I was getting distant on purpose. Again, not making excuses for him, but being ignorant of this time of life wasn't good either. I guess I figured I would be young forever.
doesiteverend - I'm sorry for all you've been through! For me, the changes were abrupt and extreme but I knew EXACTLY the reason for the changes. I had a hysterectomy and it's changed me in every way imaginable. The emotional and mental effects have been far worse than any physical ones. Thankfully, my husband has been understanding and supportive. Had my "craziness" not been for an obvious reason, I'm not sure how he would have reacted.
Best of luck to you in getting through these difficult times!
I like your name, it is so fitting of this time. And I do miss the old me. We are trying to reconnect with the knowledge we have now. I'm talking to my sister again after years, that's been really nice. My mom doesn't know what happened but we are talking more also. That is exceptionally nice because she was my best friend growing up.
Thank you for responding to my desperation. You continue to hang in there also!
BunningtonBunny - If you are addressing me - It WAS full-on (severe) depression but it was triggered by the hysterectomy which threw me into "aurgical menopause" which is usually much more severe than natural menopause. And the fact that the "right" type and dose of estrogen pretty much cured the depression is proof that the cause was the loss of my ovarian hormones.
The ovaries of intact women continue to produce hormones into their 80's especially testosterone, some of which is converted into estrogen.
Omg people this is a menopause help site! Is she having an affair...was she corralled into a marriage? !!! YES IT COULD BE MENOPAUSE! I know I am 54 years old and do the same thing to a lesser degree. Im sorry she cant get through the fog and get some help. Stay in her life somehow and see if she can climb out of her hole soon. I dont know what I would do if my husband gave up on me....I hope the best for you and your wife.