Ok, so I'm not even sure if this is going
to help me or not. I am feeling way down
today and really don't know where to go.
My husband is bi-polar and we are
seperated..3 years almost. However we were
seeing each other at times. Sometimes
things were good and other times things
were horrible. That is why I left. He was
using Meth and he won't take meds for the
bipolar disorder. He said that meds are
for weak people. I tried to get him to
take them. He wouldn't even consider it.
He was always having unprotected sex with
other women, even girls in their 20's and
he didn't really care and still doesn't.
He tells me he loves me, but he treats me
like he hates me. I have been so depressed
by all this. I love him very much and miss
him terribly, but I can't keep doing this.
I beat myself up constantly for
leaving...even though when I was there..he
wasn't. I know I did everything to keep my
marriage together, but he says I left so I
can't be mad at him. I'm not mad....really
I am just so damn sad. I can't fix it. I
cry all the time. I feel like I let him
down, but really it came down to me or him
and I had to pick me. Dealing with
Bi-Polar disorder is so hard anyway, but
when you are dealing with a person who
feels like they have nothing wrong woith
them it's pretty bad. The violence, name
calling...just such acts of meaness hurt
you to the core. Can someone tell me where
to go for help. I hate feeling like this.
Thanks
|
antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 852 Location: IL
Thanks: 40
Thanked:15
Posted: 04-23-08 09:39am
I am so sorry about your marriage. You
need to know this is not your fault. Bpd
is a devastating disorder that, if
untreated, leads to chaos in the life of
the person with the disorder and the lives
of those who love that person. Your
ex-husband refused to take the necessary
medications and this leaves you helpless
to help him. Denial is very powerful and
it sounds as if your husband is in denial
about his disorder. This is tragic. He
will continue to have manic and depressed
episodes until he gets some help.
Unfortunately, he wants to self medicate
with street drugs and this exacerbates the
disorder. Many people with bpd report that
they enjoy the manic episodes and miss
them when medicated. This may play into
why your ex is noncompliant with the
medications.
You did the only thing you could do and
that is leave. Self preservation kicks in.
You have no control over another
individual but you can control your own
destiny. Too often bpd manifests itself in
abusive and violent behavior. Not all
people who suffer from bpd are violent but
it does occur. You are right to leave an
environment like that. Your ex blames you
- another classic behavior for someone
with bpd. They take no responsibility for
their actions. Everyone else is
responsible and they are the victim of
malicious attacks.
You need to talk to a therapist. You need
to find one that has experience dealing
with bpd and the families of people with
bpd. www.nami.org is a good
site to look for therapists. They have an
index by state. Try it. If there is
nothing there, call them. They can offer
you guidance as to where to find a
therapist.
I hope this helps. You can always post on
this forum. We are here to support each
other and be an open ear and heart for
you. Our shoulders are broad so feel free
to unload here. All the best.
|
lilgrlblu63
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2008 Posts: 10
A little worried Posted: 04-23-08 16:35pm
Antigone,
I was told yesterday by a friend that
because of some of the trouble he has
gotten into, he is on probation and can
not do drugs or alcohol for the time
being...he is being drug tested.
This worries me...it seems all his hate
and anger are pinpointed at me...just last
week I had to call and file a complaint
against him, because he would not stop
calling me and harrassing me. He was
calling my job as well...saying horrible
things. I feel so bad for him, because he
can't see what was right in his face. And
still I am the blame for all that is bad
in his life...sigh...seems like such a
waste to me....
|
BoneyardDiva
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Sep 2007 Posts: 72 Location: Nunya, USA
hubby Posted: 04-23-08 21:26pm
lilgrlblu...It's so tragic when someone we
love so desperately doesn't want to
preserve the very aspects of their
personality that we love so much. Without
self-care & treatment, your husband is
not going to be the person that you love.
In that case, you MUST care for yourself.
Please remember that past behavior tends
to predict future behavior.
Antigone's suggestion re: seeing a
therapist is the best thing you can do for
yourself at this time. Most of all,
remember, this is not about you. You did
everything you could and your husband took
it all for granted. Please find help and
move out of this toxic situation and into
a more stable environment.
|
antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 852 Location: IL
Thanks: 40
Thanked:15
Posted: 04-23-08 23:17pm
Do everything you can to keep yourself
safe. Alert others to his behavior and
take steps to have a network of friends
and family helping to keep an open eye on
things. Get a restraining order against
him. The piece of paper does not keep you
safe however it puts him on notice that he
has stepped over the line. Contact the
police and let them know your concerns.
They may not do anything but the situation
has been brought to their attention. If he
persists in threatening behavior you can
contact his doctor. He can be forced into
treatment if he is a threat to you. Call a
women's shelter and get information from
them. They can help you stay safe.
It is a waste to see someone with so much
potential crash and burn due to an
illness. You are not to blame in this. He
is a grown man and makes decisions that
have consequences. It is hard to be so
helpless when you love someone who won't
do the right thing and get help.
Let us know how you are. Keep yourself
safe and know you are a good and kind
person, no matter what venom he spits at
you. He is ill and he has allowed it to
rule over him. You can separate yourself
from it.
|
lilgrlblu63
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2008 Posts: 10
Posted: 04-24-08 02:01am
Thank you both for sharing your thoughts.
It has helped me so much coming and
sharing with everyone here. I don't feel
isolated anymore. Thanks
|
BoneyardDiva
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Sep 2007 Posts: 72 Location: Nunya, USA
lilgrlblu Posted: 04-24-08 17:04pm
Hey, believe me, you're not the only one
dealing with the drama. I have to remind
myself that everything I've experienced w/
my husband is worth it b/c I love him.
However, if he were to crash & burn w/
no respect to my wishes or feelings, I
would have to move on. Please take care
of yourself, first & foremost.
BYD
|
lilgrlblu63
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2008 Posts: 10
Re: Wife of BiPolar Husband Posted: 04-30-08 04:28am
Well I saw my husband a few days ago.He
called and told me he needed to talk to
me. So I went to see him at Starbucks. He
told me that one of our friends had died
the day before. He had Cancer and was
undergoing treatments. I was shocked that
my husband cried. It's been alongtime
since I have seen that. I hugged him and
consoled him. Anyway, we spent a few days
together. It was like old times. I had the
best days. I talked to him about some
stuff and how I saw a letter that had been
written to one of my friends, some girl
wrote that she was with my husband and
called him by name and said how she was
soooooo in love with him. It didn't shock
me, but I did laugh. I couldn't help it. I
just know how it plays out. He screws
around with other women for awhile and
then he starts missing me and calls or
comes over.
Anyway, a couple of days later. He took me
to the casino for dinner and we got into
it over the fact that he took this girl to
the casino on his birthday instead of
calling me like he had said he would do. I
made a joke of it, but it wasn't funny and
I told him that it wasn't. I was just
trying to hide my hurt that he would do
that. And he does it with such ease. So he
didn't deny that he knows this girl and he
said they went out to dinner twice, but he
didn't have sex with her, but I don't
believe that. I mean come on. And the fact
that he lies and I catch him in them lead
me to be untrusting of him. And when I go
out to dinner with a friend. he tells me
that I was on a date and that I screwed
the guy. grrrrrr...Well he is always
accusing me of being with other men, which
I have been loyal to him the whole
time..pining for him as it were. He is
just so cold sometimes. I mean I pour my
heart out to him. I love him deeply and he
doesn't get that this is tearing me apart.
I miss him.
Well we slept together the second night we
were together. Just to feel him close to
me makes me happy. I know that sounds
really sad. He treats me bad most of the
time and being close to him makes me
happy...sigh...now he is back to the way
he was before, telling me that I left and
I am having sex with all these guys..even
girls..lol. I ask him if he thinks that
why does he even bother to be around me.
He didn't say anything. He so bitter and
resentfull, but says that is how I am. I
can honestly say...yes I am pissed off and
hurt. I get tired of arguing with him over
things that are lies that he has dreamed
up in his head.
However there is a light at the end of the
tunnel. I am starting therapy with a lady
who runs a group for families of people
with members of their familes with BPD. I
have tried to keep being positive even
when I get those sick feelings in my
stomach. I am always wondering what he is
doing, but I try to not to, it is counter
productive for me.
Now I am wondering how long it will be
before he comes around again and also I
have an appointment to get tested for
STD's..which really sucks, because I
shouldn't have to be doing that.
sigh...anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
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