Well I saw my husband a few days ago.He called and told me he needed to talk to me. So I went to see him at Starbucks. He told me that one of our friends had died the day before. He had Cancer and was undergoing treatments. I was shocked that my husband cried. It's been alongtime since I have seen that. I hugged him and consoled him. Anyway, we spent a few days together. It was like old times. I had the best days. I talked to him about some stuff and how I saw a letter that had been written to one of my friends, some girl wrote that she was with my husband and called him by name and said how she was soooooo in love with him. It didn't shock me, but I did laugh. I couldn't help it. I just know how it plays out. He screws around with other women for awhile and then he starts missing me and calls or comes over.
Anyway, a couple of days later. He took me to the casino for dinner and we got into it over the fact that he took this girl to the casino on his birthday instead of calling me like he had said he would do. I made a joke of it, but it wasn't funny and I told him that it wasn't. I was just trying to hide my hurt that he would do that. And he does it with such ease. So he didn't deny that he knows this girl and he said they went out to dinner twice, but he didn't have sex with her, but I don't believe that. I mean come on. And the fact that he lies and I catch him in them lead me to be untrusting of him. And when I go out to dinner with a friend. he tells me that I was on a date and that I screwed the guy. grrrrrr...Well he is always accusing me of being with other men, which I have been loyal to him the whole time..pining for him as it were. He is just so cold sometimes. I mean I pour my heart out to him. I love him deeply and he doesn't get that this is tearing me apart. I miss him.
Well we slept together the second night we were together. Just to feel him close to me makes me happy. I know that sounds really sad. He treats me bad most of the time and being close to him makes me happy...sigh...now he is back to the way he was before, telling me that I left and I am having sex with all these guys..even girls..lol. I ask him if he thinks that why does he even bother to be around me. He didn't say anything. He so bitter and resentfull, but says that is how I am. I can honestly say...yes I am pissed off and hurt. I get tired of arguing with him over things that are lies that he has dreamed up in his head.
However there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am starting therapy with a lady who runs a group for families of people with members of their familes with BPD. I have tried to keep being positive even when I get those sick feelings in my stomach. I am always wondering what he is doing, but I try to not to, it is counter productive for me.
Now I am wondering how long it will be before he comes around again and also I have an appointment to get tested for STD's..which really sucks, because I shouldn't have to be doing that. sigh...anyway, thanks for letting me vent.