I am so sorry about your marriage. You need to know this is not your fault. Bpd is a devastating disorder that, if untreated, leads to chaos in the life of the person with the disorder and the lives of those who love that person. Your ex-husband refused to take the necessary medications and this leaves you helpless to help him. Denial is very powerful and it sounds as if your husband is in denial about his disorder. This is tragic. He will continue to have manic and depressed episodes until he gets some help. Unfortunately, he wants to self medicate with street drugs and this exacerbates the disorder. Many people with bpd report that they enjoy the manic episodes and miss them when medicated. This may play into why your ex is noncompliant with the medications.

You did the only thing you could do and that is leave. Self preservation kicks in. You have no control over another individual but you can control your own destiny. Too often bpd manifests itself in abusive and violent behavior. Not all people who suffer from bpd are violent but it does occur. You are right to leave an environment like that. Your ex blames you - another classic behavior for someone with bpd. They take no responsibility for their actions. Everyone else is responsible and they are the victim of malicious attacks.

You need to talk to a therapist. You need to find one that has experience dealing with bpd and the families of people with bpd. www.nami.org is a good site to look for therapists. They have an index by state. Try it. If there is nothing there, call them. They can offer you guidance as to where to find a therapist.

I hope this helps. You can always post on this forum. We are here to support each other and be an open ear and heart for you. Our shoulders are broad so feel free to unload here. All the best.

Antigone,

I was told yesterday by a friend that because of some of the trouble he has gotten into, he is on probation and can not do drugs or alcohol for the time being...he is being drug tested.

This worries me...it seems all his hate and anger are pinpointed at me...just last week I had to call and file a complaint against him, because he would not stop calling me and harrassing me. He was calling my job as well...saying horrible things. I feel so bad for him, because he can't see what was right in his face. And still I am the blame for all that is bad in his life...sigh...seems like such a waste to me....

lilgrlblu...It's so tragic when someone we love so desperately doesn't want to preserve the very aspects of their personality that we love so much. Without self-care & treatment, your husband is not going to be the person that you love. In that case, you MUST care for yourself. Please remember that past behavior tends to predict future behavior.

Antigone's suggestion re: seeing a therapist is the best thing you can do for yourself at this time. Most of all, remember, this is not about you. You did everything you could and your husband took it all for granted. Please find help and move out of this toxic situation and into a more stable environment.

Do everything you can to keep yourself safe. Alert others to his behavior and take steps to have a network of friends and family helping to keep an open eye on things. Get a restraining order against him. The piece of paper does not keep you safe however it puts him on notice that he has stepped over the line. Contact the police and let them know your concerns. They may not do anything but the situation has been brought to their attention. If he persists in threatening behavior you can contact his doctor. He can be forced into treatment if he is a threat to you. Call a women's shelter and get information from them. They can help you stay safe.

It is a waste to see someone with so much potential crash and burn due to an illness. You are not to blame in this. He is a grown man and makes decisions that have consequences. It is hard to be so helpless when you love someone who won't do the right thing and get help.

Let us know how you are. Keep yourself safe and know you are a good and kind person, no matter what venom he spits at you. He is ill and he has allowed it to rule over him. You can separate yourself from it.

Thank you both for sharing your thoughts. It has helped me so much coming and sharing with everyone here. I don't feel isolated anymore. Thanks

Hey, believe me, you're not the only one dealing with the drama. I have to remind myself that everything I've experienced w/ my husband is worth it b/c I love him. However, if he were to crash & burn w/ no respect to my wishes or feelings, I would have to move on. Please take care of yourself, first & foremost.

BYD

Well I saw my husband a few days ago.He called and told me he needed to talk to me. So I went to see him at Starbucks. He told me that one of our friends had died the day before. He had Cancer and was undergoing treatments. I was shocked that my husband cried. It's been alongtime since I have seen that. I hugged him and consoled him. Anyway, we spent a few days together. It was like old times. I had the best days. I talked to him about some stuff and how I saw a letter that had been written to one of my friends, some girl wrote that she was with my husband and called him by name and said how she was soooooo in love with him. It didn't shock me, but I did laugh. I couldn't help it. I just know how it plays out. He screws around with other women for awhile and then he starts missing me and calls or comes over.

Anyway, a couple of days later. He took me to the casino for dinner and we got into it over the fact that he took this girl to the casino on his birthday instead of calling me like he had said he would do. I made a joke of it, but it wasn't funny and I told him that it wasn't. I was just trying to hide my hurt that he would do that. And he does it with such ease. So he didn't deny that he knows this girl and he said they went out to dinner twice, but he didn't have sex with her, but I don't believe that. I mean come on. And the fact that he lies and I catch him in them lead me to be untrusting of him. And when I go out to dinner with a friend. he tells me that I was on a date and that I screwed the guy. grrrrrr...Well he is always accusing me of being with other men, which I have been loyal to him the whole time..pining for him as it were. He is just so cold sometimes. I mean I pour my heart out to him. I love him deeply and he doesn't get that this is tearing me apart. I miss him.

Well we slept together the second night we were together. Just to feel him close to me makes me happy. I know that sounds really sad. He treats me bad most of the time and being close to him makes me happy...sigh...now he is back to the way he was before, telling me that I left and I am having sex with all these guys..even girls..lol. I ask him if he thinks that why does he even bother to be around me. He didn't say anything. He so bitter and resentfull, but says that is how I am. I can honestly say...yes I am pissed off and hurt. I get tired of arguing with him over things that are lies that he has dreamed up in his head.

However there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am starting therapy with a lady who runs a group for families of people with members of their familes with BPD. I have tried to keep being positive even when I get those sick feelings in my stomach. I am always wondering what he is doing, but I try to not to, it is counter productive for me.

Now I am wondering how long it will be before he comes around again and also I have an appointment to get tested for STD's..which really sucks, because I shouldn't have to be doing that. sigh...anyway, thanks for letting me vent.