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Wife not interested in sex

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I'm sorry this is a little long, but I really want some advice. When my wife and I started dating,our relationship was very sexual. I actually held off from having sex with her at first because I wanted a different kind of relationship. I really liked her. We fell in love and later moved in together. As soon as she moved in, her sex drive started to decrease. It started to get really bad. I was sexually frustrated everyday and it was affecting everything else in my life. I didn't even know sexual frustration was real until this. I tried so many different things and even though I felt like I brought myself to the ground trying to give her what she wanted, she was never interested in sex. When we talked about it, she seemed like she cared and felt bad, but did nothing about it. This led to me being in bad moods and it was not the life I wanted to be living in my early twenties. I decided I wanted to take a break. I know it sounds stupid, but I really loved her (and still do) so I didn't want to completely lose her. I just thought we needed some time apart. The day I decided to tell her, she told me she was pregnant. I became overwhelmed with joy at the idea of having a kid and pushed my frustrations to the side. I knew I needed to do what was best for the child and made my self imagine this was just a passing phase and things would get well again. We got married and have now been married a year and a half. No change. Honestly, she seems even less interested now. 7months ago I caught her having a phone relationship with a man from another state. Apparantly she met him when she went to visit her friend in FL and what started out as simple flirting led to sexual conversations. I caught her red handed and it took me some time but I forgave. She said it wasn't because she wanted to cheat, she just enjoyed hearing compliments because she was unhappy with her body changes from the pregnancy. I know how women can be about self esteem and she admitted her mistake. I guess at the time she preferred hearing all the compliments I was giving her, from someone else. Now, she shows no sexual interest in me at all. She tells me I look good and tries to be wife-like, but when we're in the bedroom, I wont get more than a hug from her. I'm not even 25 yet and this is killing me. I have so much love to give her, but one of the parts that is most important for me means nothing to her. When I have talked to her about it, she states that she feels like that hormone has just been depleted from her body. This is not a solution. I do not want to spend my sex life in the bathroom by my self or with a woman who is uninterested in me. I love her so much and would never cheat on her. I can't help but think she is just not attracted to me anymore, or maybe attracted to somebody else more. Everything else in our relationship is fine, though other fights do come about when sex is a problem. I don't feel like I can share a bed with someone who is not interested in me. How can I make this better? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Users who thank onederwhy for this post: khofi 

replied February 6th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I believe there is a song, "A Man Chases A Woman, Until She Catches Him".....Even though I am one of this species, many do play in the dirt to get a man.....Her spots started to show when she moved in with you.....But all of this is past tense....

Of her friend out of State, I am sure this is true but she just may be trying to build herself up.....Make her more of the hot sexual woman that can draw men....Heck, on the telephone she does not have to put out as these are just words out of her mouth.....Or it is possible she has made some sort of a connection....

I don't blame you for wanting a hot sexual life....Isn't that what marriage is for?....Either that or I have been having the time of my life for years......If I was you I would give her an ultimatum.....I would tell her to get to a doctor to see what her hormone level is and get to the bottom of it.....I would start there but I believe that no man should have to go through life without the hot sexual love of his partner....

Just my thought,
Caroline
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Users who thank JavaMissus for this post: onederwhy 

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replied February 6th, 2009
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Re: Wife not interested in sex
onederwhy wrote:
I'm sorry this is a little long, but I really want some advice. When my wife and I started dating,our relationship was very sexual. I actually held off from having sex with her at first because I wanted a different kind of relationship. I really liked her. We fell in love and later moved in together. As soon as she moved in, her sex drive started to decrease. It started to get really bad. I was sexually frustrated everyday and it was affecting everything else in my life. I didn't even know sexual frustration was real until this. I tried so many different things and even though I felt like I brought myself to the ground trying to give her what she wanted, she was never interested in sex. When we talked about it, she seemed like she cared and felt bad, but did nothing about it. This led to me being in bad moods and it was not the life I wanted to be living in my early twenties. I decided I wanted to take a break. I know it sounds stupid, but I really loved her (and still do) so I didn't want to completely lose her. I just thought we needed some time apart. The day I decided to tell her, she told me she was pregnant. I became overwhelmed with joy at the idea of having a kid and pushed my frustrations to the side. I knew I needed to do what was best for the child and made my self imagine this was just a passing phase and things would get well again. We got married and have now been married a year and a half. No change. Honestly, she seems even less interested now. 7months ago I caught her having a phone relationship with a man from another state. Apparantly she met him when she went to visit her friend in FL and what started out as simple flirting led to sexual conversations. I caught her red handed and it took me some time but I forgave. She said it wasn't because she wanted to cheat, she just enjoyed hearing compliments because she was unhappy with her body changes from the pregnancy. I know how women can be about self esteem and she admitted her mistake. I guess at the time she preferred hearing all the compliments I was giving her, from someone else. Now, she shows no sexual interest in me at all. She tells me I look good and tries to be wife-like, but when we're in the bedroom, I wont get more than a hug from her. I'm not even 25 yet and this is killing me. I have so much love to give her, but one of the parts that is most important for me means nothing to her. When I have talked to her about it, she states that she feels like that hormone has just been depleted from her body. This is not a solution. I do not want to spend my sex life in the bathroom by my self or with a woman who is uninterested in me. I love her so much and would never cheat on her. I can't help but think she is just not attracted to me anymore, or maybe attracted to somebody else more. Everything else in our relationship is fine, though other fights do come about when sex is a problem. I don't feel like I can share a bed with someone who is not interested in me. How can I make this better? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.











So she shows absolutely no interest at all? If you dont mind me asking when was the last time you guys had an intimate moment? Does she seem like she wants to go see a Doctor to get to the bottom of why she has a low sex drive and lack of interest in sex? Do you try to bring the subject up in a sensitive matter? Sorry for all the questions, I just want to have an idea on how she feels about her low sex drive. You can PM if you want I will be glad to be of help Smile
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Users who thank proudmama for this post: onederwhy  khofi 

replied February 7th, 2009
One: she's cheating on u
Two: she's not turned on by u or attracted to u
Or three: she truly doesn't have a sex drive

First of all make sure she's not cheating on u
Second of all maybe try some role playing get her excited like dressing up sexy and acting and dirty talk.

Hopefully that works.
Best way to work a relationship and keep it healthy is COMMUNICATION and HONESTY
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replied February 7th, 2009
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I think you need to honestly examine your marriage and answer the following questions as truthfully as possible:
-Is she satisfied with the sex/ does she orgasm every time?
-Has she always been satisfied in the past?
-Is she too tired for sex? (Does she work outside the home, take care of the baby and do the lion's share of the house work?)
-Does she receive any attention or affection from you when you don't want sex? (Holding hands, snuggling, kissing good-bye and hello...)
If none of the above is an issue, she may be bored and looking for the excitement of a new relationship. If this is the case there is very little you can do to change her mind. You could suggest role playing or new positions or his and hers lotions... but ultimately,she is the only one who can change things.
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replied February 9th, 2009
To all...
Thank you for the input. Our last sexual encounter was just under 2 weeks ago. I feel like when it happens it only happens because she gives in and just wants to get it over with. She's done as soon as she has an orgasm. Sometimes we'll go a week and a half of no sex and then we have it and she's done in 5 minutes. I've tried forplay but she doesn't like anything more than me going down on her and then going straight to the sex. I've tried to bring it up in sensative ways many times. Remember, it has been like this for well over a year now. I feel like I've tried everything. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I'm just so frustrated, I'm not the nicest guy. Thats rare though, because I try to be so sweet to her. I try to be romantic and I give her back and foot rubs on the regular. I work 7 days a week while still trying to finish school so she can stay at home with our daughter. She opposes day care. She maybe responsible for the lions share of the house work but it only gets done once every couple of weeks. I don't think she's tired from the house work. When we talk about it, she always says she doesn't know why she has no drive, but then there is zero effort to try to change anything. I have spent the last two nights sleeping on the couch. I'm dealing with so much right now, I told her I can't deal with sharing a bed with some one who is not interested in me. She seems sad about it, but has not asked me back in to the bedroom or done or said anything in regards to it.I don't know what PM means.
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replied February 9th, 2009
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PM means private message. Check your inbox to it.
As for my advice, I didn't mean to sound as though I was blaming you for the problem. But in any disagreement between two people, a person can only control or change what they say or do, not the other person. So, when your partner is resistant, the best thing you can do is determine what you yourself can do to improve things. It's sounds like you've done all you can to make things better. I'm sorry to hear that you're now sleeping on the couch but I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to sleep next to her. Now you will see if she's willing to try and improve things or if she has you right where she wants you, in the house but out of her bed. Good luck.
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Users who thank deteragram for this post: onederwhy 

replied February 9th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Sending a private message
PM means private message...She is telling you to go to your Inbox at the top of this page and open it...This will enable you to write her and speak to her personally so that she can help you in solving your problem....

Myself, I think good sex is passion that two people have for each other....I married a man because I was in love with him and needed his body to fill my soul.....It had nothing to do with orgasms or foreplay....It had to do with not being able to live without him....Without having these feelings, I would not be all that I am as a woman today.....And believe me, I am very interested in sex and can't get enough of it.....Let these words be fair warning to any woman that is going to marry a man....Your passion is now.....Your erotic self must stay on fire years from now in order to not fall into the pits of tolerating this special sexual side of marriage....You must love your husband's body as much as your own and not memorize the words "not tonight dear" but instead give a little....

This is probably a little off topic, but I feel so sorry for this man....He is one of many.....

C
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replied February 10th, 2009
Thank You
I have to say, listening to both of you makes me feel better. I feel like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams tells him its not his fault. I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty about all of this. When we first started dating I was 150lbs and pretty solid (I'm pretty short so I am not scrawny at 150). Now I'm 165 and a little more tender so I kept thinking this is my fault. Then when it leads to a fight or anger I start feeling like a jerk for letting sex be the reason for a fight. Feel like I'm a horn dog or something. Last night I was sitting on the couch studying for class when she came home from work. She made herself something to eat and then declared that she was going to bed. She said goodnight and walked alone to the bedroom. She never used to do this. I think she is clearly showing me she is ok now with me being on the couch. I think you are right, she has me right where she wants me.
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replied September 11th, 2009
the traditional old problem with women
She has the old traditional "can't express my whoreness with anyone that knows me" syndrome. She will likely NEVER change so you will either have to bite the bullet and leave now or accept that she will only be aroused by other men. Unless you have a very, very small johnson it's not you, it's her.
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replied September 16th, 2009
Well, I can honestlyl say that I have NO sex drive what so ever! And it was all good untill we got married (we didn't live together before that) His little quirks drive me nuts, and I no longer feel the "need" for sex. We are married. I have him, I no longer need to "put out" I know it isn't right, but hey, I can't be the only one like that. Maybe she is too.
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replied July 31st, 2013
You aren't the only one. NO sex in 10+ years. Thought about hookers, but with no love or affection its empty, like self pleasuring. Just waiting for dying. Life seems empty.
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replied June 6th, 2014
It will never change.
Dear Onederwhy,

I hope you have wised up and ended the relationship. I have been married for 32 years to the same woman and nothing has changed. She did have an affair almost 15 years ago for which I forgave her. At this point I should have pulled the trigger back then. Until recently I continued to hope. I realize now I have lived my life with a woman that never really was into sex and had I been smart I would have ended it a long time ago and sought a woman who really enjoys having sex with me.
You only live once. Make it the best you can.
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