I have run out of ideas, so I am trying to reach out for help. I feel very sexually frustrated and angry with my wife. We can't have intercourse more than a couple of times a month, as she gets sore very often. She is unable to handle my size, and if we do it too often, I invevitably drive her to the doctor again. To make matters worse, she has TMJ and can't do oral without pain (but, even if she could, I know she wouldn't give me oral sex solely for my pleasure).
When I ask her to use her hand on me, she says I am missing the point, as she doesn't like to do it because I am getting an orgasm, and she isn't. I am on tenderhooks, and very frustrated, to say the least. Other than this problem, I love her dearly, but for the first time, I have uttered in my mind that I hate her, but I know it's just out of frustration.
I'm a very good looking man, I'm in great shape, make a very good living, and I truly don't understand why she refuses to give me any pleasure. I hate the idea of cheating on her, and if I did, I know would lose my children, which are everything to me.
I am a good husband and father, and most importantly, a good person. I know from past experience that many other women would be very excited to be intimate with me in that way, and just have fun with it instead of making it a big deal.
Has she talked with her doctor about a vaginal dilator?..These do widen the vagina...Has she always been like this or worse after the babies?...Does she use a good lubricant?...I am trying to put myself in the mind of your wife and I, too, wouldn't care for jacking you off with no gratification....Have you talked to her about licking her out and playing with her in return for her doing you?...A "finger ****" can be a great fixer upper...How about 69 and other hot sexual acts?...She is going to have to bend on this as marriage is a two way street...She doesn't want to go down this road in life as it can be a dead end....Sex is such a wonderful part of marriage and she must go back to this animal part of herself yet not have the pain and have to go to the doctor...I know where she lives with this...Back four years ago we were having a lot of sex and I tore...Kept on doing it anyway until I could hardly walk...This is when I started on Estring...Now I am just fine and sex is great...But, like her I know the pain she speaks about if it is sending her to the doctor....This is about the best I can do for thoughts at the moment....
There needs to be a real conversation in the marriage about sex and intimacy alex8. At the very least you don't understand one another in regards to this, possibly because one of you is not communicating their needs or limitations, but definately things are not being said if you find yourself utterring that you hate your wife. Sit down with your wife and explain to her what your expectations were going into the marriage and in waht ways those expectations are being met. Express that you are willing to work with her to resolve whatever medical issues are an obstacle. That you are open to ideas of compromise from her. However it must be made clear that you are unsatisfied in the marriage and that pretending that that doesn't matter will not be acceptable in the long run.
God, Wolf...You sound like an old man saying things like that...Stiff and pompous...You don't sit down and talk to her about sex...This must be done in bed...Must be done cuddling and be more of a romantic venture...Expectations cannot always be met the way that things were mapped out in your mind...We have never mapped anything out and are having the time of our life...You tell a woman that this is not acceptable and she will tell you to screw yourself...If my husband told me something was unacceptable then he had better run like hell...I am not his servant...I am a woman...You must make this a more romantic atmosphere and go from there....
I absolutely agree that romantic issues need to be resolved in the bedroom. However I don't believe the bedroom is any place to discuss relationship issues. I think conversations about give and take, trust and respect need to happen in a place without discractions or confusion. I think especially if there are problems in the bedroom that are affecting the relationship you shouldn't talk about it in the location where hurt, embarassment or disappointment is the theme of the room.
If I told my partner that I had a serious issue in the relationship and that I needed her help to fix it and her responce was "screw you" I would be packing her bags before she could finish the phrase, a male partner would be exactly the same. Especially in a marriage, we are the ONLY people who can fulfil our partners' expectations for the relationship. We are the only ones with the responsibilty of meeting their needs. We need to do everything within reason to make their lives better then before we met them and when we fail them in their needs we need to acknowledge our failures and express our commitment to them to making things better. We are also our only advocates in a relationship. When we are not satisfied and we are silent then we are commiting ourselves to dissatisfaction. If we are dissatisfied in our relationships and we are not specific about what we need to make things better, then we are inviting confusion and frustration into the relationship.
Wolf, ladylike wasn't the problem...I walk my own walk and I love it...Wouldn't change a word nor a thing about who I am....
Sex is not something you talk about in terms of you do this or else...You can simply talk this over in bed...Laying in his arms or talking as people do before you go to sleep...Not to sit down at a table and go over the sex in your life like you are making out the menu for the week...
A woman has so much giving in her and then she will quit...She is doing all of what her mind allows her to do...If she gets cornered, she will run...A woman walks a very delicate line in life and one that man will never know...She is being pushed...Sure she should help him more, but what about him?...If he was a loving and undemanding husband he would settle for this because he loved her and not himself...What if the shoe was on the other foot?...I have said she should help him, but what if these things repulse her?...She cannot be forced and a conversation opposite each other or across a table would be the worst thing for her...She sounds like she is being a property....His...You do this as I expect it...If this was me with what he wanted I would say "screw you"...Doesn't sound ladylike, but I said it once already....However, don't be confused, I am a lady....
IMO, his demands are big...She is a hurting woman....She is being forced...Unacceptable is not a word that should ever be spoken about sex in a marriage pertaining to this degree in intimacy....I am surprised you uttered it...
P.S. Wolf, the word "screw" I don't generally use on the Forum in my posts...However, seeing it was you, I knew that you would realize that this was used in jest...
Caroline I really disagree. alex8 wants normal sexual interaction with the woman he has committed himself to for the rest of his life, that's not a big demand by any measure. I would be so bold as to say that it is one of many jobs in your marriage to see to the sexual needs of your spouse. Even if you don't see it that way divorce courts certainly do. This isn't about a wife who has medical issues, alex8 isn't asking her to aggrivate her TMJ or Vaginal discomfort, this is about a wife who has no interest in providing for her husband's sexual needs. You didn't accept your husband's difficulty in meeting your needs Caroline. I wouldn't accept this kind of disrespectful behavior in a spouse regardless of the problem in the marraige. How is alex8's problem somehow acceptable?
Have to argue with you here Wolf...She is giving him sex twice a month...She is doing what she considers her sexual duty....Very often people disagree in the amount of sex that the other wants...She may find that doing this act distasteful....Most women do...What men think of as erotic and beautiful is not what many women think...I would suggest in order to keep a strong marriage to masturbate...Buy a fleshlight or a image of a woman's vagina...This may sound riduclious to you, but I think her issues are far deeper than this and she is doing all that she can as a woman....Wolf, woman are all different...You cannot define how each of us will accept man or his sexual parts...Man makes laws that may govern the laws of a divorce, but they cannot be a jackhammer that will loosen a part within her to allow this to happen....Only when she is ready and able will this part of her that allows this to happen, happen...I believe that she is using "not getting an orgasm" as an excuse for doing this act which just may revolt her...Wolf, we are all wired different...We can't change...Forcing her could cause an end to this marriage...She must be made to want sex...Possibly by pleasuring her orally and her licking him without any deep throat this could be accomplished...Like I have said, I think you are seeing the tip of both a pain problem both internal and external...
I have to say... a woman that won't masturbate a man is probably not going to let him do something even more radical like "licking her out" Telling her husband that she wont masturbate him because she doesn't get hers IS unacceptable. He is aware of her problems and is not pushing her into doing something she either can't or doesn't want to do, he is suggesting compromise. She can't handle his size more than a couple times a month, she can't perform full on oral sex on him and she is unwilling to try different things. It's causing a problem in the marriage and regardless of which room in the house they talk about it, it needs to be talked about. It's not about cornering her and telling her do this or else... It's about we have this problem and this is contributing to it and I want to find out where you stand on it and what we can do to try and fix it. If she is not willing to hear it and takes a "screw you" attitude then what does that tell him? His needs are not being met not just physically but emotionally as well.
It sounds like he is trying to fix a problem before it turns into a complete disaster. He has every right as one part of this two to state his opinion and ask her how they can work it out. Again, if she is not willing to listen (as a loving, caring wife should do) and help make it better then how is it his fault and how is that acceptable? It's not. He is not trying to force her into anything he just wants to try and help fix something that is broken.
I vote for talking to her. Tell her what you are thinking and feeling. Be completely candid with her, even about the feeling of hostility. Ask her to listen to what you are saying and in turn listen to what she is saying. Suggest compromise...try masturbating her to orgasm THEN ask for her to reciprocate. Seems to me if she got hers then she cant say she doesn't like to do it cuz she doesn't orgasm. In talking to her and listening maybe issues will come to light for both of you and you can work through this...TOGETHER.
Jinjer: Do you have any idea of how many women hate doing what he wants her to do?...Why should she masturbate him?...I would never make my husband do this to me?...If he wanted to OK, but it just can't be on demand...I know as a Moderator that you say that I shouldn't voice my opinion, but I will...What are the ages of these people?...This makes a difference in the acceptance of a woman...When she is younger she is repressed...Not able to handle sex in it's full glory...A part of her must grow or maybe it won't...When I first wrote on this post I neglected to notice that she was having sex twice a month....If she can only handle this much at this point in her life then she should be left alone...Why force something that she may find dirty in her mind...Who you and I are is not what she feels...It took me a heck of a long time to get to this place in life and I have a good memory...Marriage is more than sex....She is giving him this...Marriage is love and accepting if one of the partners could not perform....You and I differ...I would never allow for a woman to be made to cry for an act that she found herself humiliated with and dreaded...Sex should not be a duty...It should be a gift....
That's the point. She is not telling him she wont masturbate him because she finds it disgusting she is telling him she wont do it because she doesn't get hers. Marriage is more than sex but think about it like this... your not getting it anymore or your only getting it two times a month for whatever reason and your husband tells you he isn't going to do anything else to please you for whatever reason he tells you this and if you ask why and how can we make this better he says "screw you" for putting him in a corner and walks out.
Caroline why should he contribute his income to her benefit? Why should he show her anything but emotional indifference? Why should she stroke his ego? Taking care of your partner's needs is fundamental to the marriage. Alex8's needs aren't being met. He's posting to a public forum for help. It's not like this is a casual interest. Sex isn't a duty in a marriage, it's a responsibility. If I have cut my partner off from having their needs taken care of by others then that is my job and if they are not getting the sex they need that is my failure to address. If I enter a marriage and the sex isn't working it is my job to communicate what's wrong to my partner and to work with them to make it right. This shouldn't be this complex. Married couples solve problems and make compromises every day.
One main thing you need to do is start being more understanding of what your wife is going through. If all she gets out of sex is pain, no wonder she doesn't want to do it. Put yourself in her place. What if every time you had sex, instead of an orgasm, your penis became very sore, sometimes to the point you had to go to the doctor? I don't think you'd be agreeing to sex any time soon. That's how it is for your wife. Stop being angry and resentful.
I think this whole thing has become a real sense of frustration for both of you (as well as other people here ). Being angry with her and thinking about cheating is only going to make the problem worse. I mean, if you are in that mindset when you do have sex, I'm sure it's not very sensual and loving.
A few questions: How long have you two been married? Was it always this way or did things change along the way? Maybe after she gave birth? That can be a cause of painful sex. You said she goes to the doctor if you guys have sex too much. What does the doctor do to relieve the pain? Does it tear things? Has the doctor suggested ways to make the problem better?
Does she have a problem with vaginal dryness? That could be why she gets so sore. Maybe using more lubricant would make things easier. Are you doing plenty of foreplay? If you are just jumping right into the act without a warm-up period, she's not going to be into it. Do you know where she likes to be touched and kissed? If not, you need to explore around. Ask her want she wants and what she likes. Sex is a two-way street. Tell her that you want her to enjoy herself, too. In my experience, there is nothing that makes a man feel more like a man than giving a woman pleasure.
Also, how long do you have sex when you do it? You should limit the actual penetration to no longer than 10 minutes or so. The vagina can only take so much. That's why you need the foreplay.
Caroline suggested dilators, which I think may be a viable option, if your wife is willing.
I know that people here have been debating the desirability of giving a hand-job, but I don't see why that's more "disgusting" than any other sex act. It's all in how you look at it. I know the penis isn't the most beautiful thing in the world, but neither is the vagina (no matter what the monologues say).
I think that if vaginal sex is painful, mutual masturbation may be a viable option. You can even do it to each other at the same time, although the coordination may take some practice. If she doesn't want to get her hands "dirty," wear a condom (yes, I know you probably think you shouldn't have to wear one with your wife, but how about compromising?).
If she has always been this way and is totally unwilling to work on the problem, is it possible that she has any history of abuse? I don't know your wife, so I'm just asking. Sometimes that can cause problems in this area.
I hope you two can work things out soon. Please write us back with your thoughts and let us know if we can be of further assistance. Good luck.
Hmmm,Alex did you and your wife have more sex in the begining of your relationship? Its normal at first to have sex alot.If thats the case, try to remember how often you did it back then and talk to her about it. Now if your penis botherd her during sex when you were dateing,well then you knew it was an issue and you two should have resolved it then.
Alex8 is a poser...He throws questions at us for his amusement...This is not a truthful question, but one he has made up...For this reason I have locked this thread rather than argue about something that isn't true...