You can call me "Ant", I know this is the women's chat room but who else better to answer this question then women! My problem is I have a high sex drive, and my wife does'nt, I have alot of energy to burn always, my wife not so much, we have had our problems for the past 4years of our marriage, just like any marriage and are on the brink of divorce. I have never had a problem expressing my feelings but it's hard for her to express her's until we end up in an arguement, which is the wrong time for that. The thing is we want to work it out but at the same time she does'nt make me happy in so many ways i.e.( affection, time spent with me, showing me love, she's not romantic but I am, and don't have sex that much anymore, and she not willing to try new things, etc). She has told me when I was home on R&R, which I'm sorry I didn't tell ya'll I am in the military but she told me her sexual desire was fading away but didn't know why, so I don't know how to fix that. She is not wanting to go see a doctor, looked online for sexual enhancers but there's so many out there, we have two kids also. I know i'm rambling, just need opinions on what I should do, I love her but she is not making me happy anymore... Need Help!
Well she's taking sum shot she gets every 3mths, but i'm sure that is not it. I know it could be a number of things, the thing is she is no that type of person who is willing to go get help or checked out. I don't know much about sexaul enhancers though.
Have you talked to her about this? Does she actually want to go on sexual enhancers? A lot of the "sexual enhancers" out there are really fake so watch out for it. The shot can mess up a girls sex drive; are you sure that isn't it? If she is going through a lot of emotional stress it could be killing it as well. Have you tried being romantic with her? Sometimes a nice massage or doing something really sweet will make a girl feel cared for and get her more in the mood.
If she is getting a shot, it's less likely that it is messing with her moods. As far as sexual enhancers, she would not likely want to use them because they could interfere with the BC.
She is most likely suffering from depression, including post-partum depression, which can last long after a baby is born. She is all lone, every day, while you are deployed and has to raise 2 kids most of the time on her own. That's a challenge. She probably needs rest and attention.
If she refuses to get help, you can't make her get it, but it is advisable. However, you are not being supportive of what she is going through and understanding her either. You are mostly putting down the fact that you have been away and have needs and expect them fulfilled when you return home after a hard time with the military. I know that it is very difficult to see the things that you do over in no-mans-land, but she is going through it with you with the knowledge that one time you may not come back either, and then she will be completely alone.
Knowing that a divorce would be something of her own power, it would be easier to cut you off than to have it in the hands of fate. It gives her control.
If you both want to work things out, but argue every time you talk, then don't talk. That makes matters worse, plus it isn't healthy for the kids. I find that a very effective method is writing letters or emailing back and forth until the issue is resolved. This helps people say what they need without the other flaming up immediately at what is said, and it also makes the other listen to what the other has to say before shouting out a rebuttal.
If you cannot solve it in this way, then maybe you can see a marriage counselor.
We have talked alot about all our problems, she see's things her way and me mine way. We both are hard headed I admit, but like I was saying its hard for her to voice her feelings until we argue. I do wutever it takes to change any of mine faults, she says alot that she won't change but sorry thought a marriage was 50/50 ya know. I know she has her stress while i'm here but at the same time when i'm home for the short time they give us for R&R you should make the most of it right, cause you never know what can happen. I offer to let her go on lil weekend get aways, she say's it would be nice but never takes advantage of it. I'm a very romantic person, she's really not towards me and I would do anything to try an make her feel relaxed but like I say it's hard for her to vice her feelings which is tearing this marraige apart in so many ways. Don't get me wrong i'm not a selfish person in any way, I know she needs her time. Just don't know what else to do...
First of all, marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. Each person gives 100 percent. That way when one is falling a little short sometimes or the other gets a little tired, it's still a marriage all the way. I think the emailing back and forth thing would really help you. It will time to type out everything, but once it gets going, things will happen. You just start typing and don't backspace, ever, not even for a typo....just let it all come out. Then you hit send and don't give it a second thought. It has to be spontaneous so that you put what you are really thinking and feeling.
Second, the sex issue and "making the most of everything". Let me give you a small example: you don't get to have nice hot showers with all the luxuries of bathing like you do when you're at home. Over there you get covered with dirt and grime, scorched by the sun and just feel like you never bathed in your life. So when you get home, you have that nice bath you've been waiting for. It's nice and relaxing, it's cleansing. You feel like a new man. Does that mean you spend all your time in the bath? Do you do it every day? No, you do what you need to in moderation. Sex and everything else that you miss the luxury of when you are overseas is meant to be enjoyed in moderation just like any other time, or it's just ridiculous.
I undertsand its a 100/100 as you say, and the issue with the sex it's not the most important thing in any marriage but its important. It is not my main reasons for a divorce but it is one of the joys of marriage. I am not rushing her at all for it and she knows that, this is not a few weeks issue but like a few years issue which when it's mixed with the rest of our problems makes a pretty big problem. One spouse can only do so much to fix a problem if the other spouse is not putting forth enough effort. When you are released from a combat zone for a few weeks leave you make the most of it, cause you never know if it could be the last time you see thoughs who you cherish so much, so you enjoy everything you do and make the most of it, is what i ment by it sorry. I will try the email thing you spoke of.
My husband ( former military) and I have been having the same issue since the first year he joined the military, except that the roles are reversed. In this case, he is the one that is not interested in me. I used to model so I'm told that I am a very attractive woman, but why is it that it took me like 6 years to get pregnant right? Well, I have sex maybe once every 6 months. Isnt that sad? I have been battling this problem for almost 10 years. He tells me that the sex drive is not there anymore. So then why do I always catch him masturbating to internet porn? He tells me that it is because its me he is not interested in having sex with because I stopped being a challenge to him after we got married and he now requires something more exciting. Of course, that would be the stripper he has no obligations to. But listen, we have a beautiful 1 year old son and relationship that to anyone's surprise "works", but I too am not happy. I feel like I am selling myself short, but how do I leave a perfectly working marriage for lack of sex when I swore to forever at the altar? I am the most depressed person in the world because this situation has made me feel unsure about myself and embarrased to take my clothes off. What did I do wrong and why does he reject me? At some point we had the best sex ever and now look at us. When do not want to divorce but I need sex. I am only 27.
Haha, well I really have to laugh at how he is fooling himself there! The problem is not with you at all: it's him. Don't let him think that all because he has a problem, it's your fault. No way. He isn't even trying. In the old days before divorce was accepted and porn wasn't so widespread, men stayed with their wives and had way many more than a couple kids, and stayed married through thick and thin, and didn't cheat. No challenge? What the challenge is is keeping up the romance through all the hardships...that's a challenge: not some easy stripper or easy fly access for his own pleasuring over easily accessible porn. No way. He's lazy, it's not because he isn't being challenged by you. Don't you ever let him make you think so.
There is more to marriage than sex, and you can't base a divorce on the fact that you aren't having sex. It's good that you don't want one because your son is worth more than that.
Have you thought of maybe going to a marriage support group or counselor?
We have. The therapist suggested that he is the one with the problem because he holds grudges for small fights and this is a way of punishing me. He tells me that all men love strippers is just that they don't show it and he's confortable telling me. We used to be the kind of couple that went to stri clubs together and had hot sex in the car after. There is more to marriage than sex, but I have been deprived for so long that I feel like I'm becoming obsessed with it myself. I tells me that he knows he's wrong and that he would like to be able to initiate sex, but it requires too much energy putting in th eeffort and most of all he feels embarrassed because so much time passes in between. I don't know of any suport groups, but I had a hard timeg etting him to see the therapist because he says that he is not going to do some silly sex exercises, like touchimg me because someone told him to. It must be a latin thing.
I'm lost and I feel trapped in a wonderful marriage with great sex performace, BUT NO SEX. I have tried everything from stripping for him to lingerie, candles, etc. Nothing works. He makes me feel stupid because he actually turns me down. I remember the last time, we were in the car coming back from a wedding and I was drunk so I decided to sit on top of him, and he loved it, but he said something very interesting. He said. " I have to admit that you look hot tonight". Does this mean that I am not taking care of myself enough to keep him interested or am I just competing with strippers and I don't know it? All that is causing me is to not be able to enjoy my sex with him because I have all this crap running through my head and I end up faking an orgasm because I cant concentrate.
Hi goingbanananas, and welcome to ehealth:...My friend, you can complain and talk to the computer and empty your heart out on a piece of paper....Yet the sad thing is that she doesn't know what she is missing...