I am not married and dont know her but sounds like nothing. plus he lives far away. but also she probibly didnt tell you because she didnt feel like you really needed to know not for any other reason. friends are friends dont stress out.

Thanks for the quick reply. Its not that i mind that much, its just that she didnt at least let me know that she started talking to this guy and that bothers me. She admits its her fault and she did say should have have mentioned to me then hidng it. Who's to say she is hidng other things. A relationship should be built on trust and not secrets. Right now i feel that trust has been betrayed. My ex cheated a couple times and do not want to go through the same thing again. Especially now i married this one.

Hi Sid6_7 and welcome to ehealth: My first question to you would be were they lovers of long ago?....Or possibly just a casual acquaintance....

Without a doubt, I would be concerned and furious if my husband did this...More than this I would be hurt....I don't like cell phone texting or emailing just to be pen pals...Too much intimacy can come into play...This lead to some deep cybersex and it is not good....

These are just my thoughts...

Take care,
Caroline

I would be concerned only because if they were "friends" why wouldn't she tell you? I would be excited if I found an old friend and defintely tell my BF, and or spouse. Now if it was something more I might not tell them...for different reasons though.

1) Would be if we had been BF/GF
2) Would be because I had more than "friend" feelings for this person.
3) Would be because I knew my partner would be super jealous no matter how innocent it was.

A big question I would need answered would be how they got back in touch was she looking for him...was he looking for her and for what reason. I realize that myspace and facebook are great ways to find old friends but there has to be a reason they fell out of contact for 10 years...if they were friends why would they have to find each other?? I don't know that would send up so many red flags with me I would be insane until I knew each and every detail from both parties not just her version. I would be all over it!

To answer afitz question.

She says it is number 3. She actually went out to look for him because she was looking at some old stuff and found a bday card he gave her before and wanted to see how he was doing.

She says they were only friends and there are no feeling for him. She was dating his friend at the time. And she insist they are jsut friends. I am at the point i keep interrogating her and she is getting upset by it. I feel this is justified because of the betrayal of trust. It would have been better to at least let me know.

Im pretty much at the point to just give up. Trust is an issue with me since my ex did this to me a couple times. I trusted her to go out with her gals and found out she cheated on me. Man, am i unlucky in relationships.

Now back to my current wife, trust is no longer there for me and i feel i will probably distance myself from her to make sure if she does cheat i do not get hurt as bad as last time.

i agree that if it was innocent she would have told you rather than keep it from you. if there was nothing to hide she wouldnt have. I wouldnt take her saying they're "just friends" too literal. Too many times have people said that to get out of something. I had a friend who was really bad about doing this to her bf at the time. shed talk to old "friends" who clearly had interest in her, or start talking to new "friends" who developed interest in her. Her bf found out and the trust just wasnt there anymore. without trust it just all went downhill.

I think you may be readin into this the wrong way, if I met an old friend I may not say something because I didn't think about it. What happened in a previous relationship, does not carry forth, every person is different but by being jealous or insecure it doesn't help.

You have to walk into every relationship like that person is different until proven otherwise. Although if she is sensing that, then maybe you guys should go see a marriage counsellor, you maybe pushing her away.

It takes two to fight or have break-up but sometimes the person who got cheated on(empathize "sometime") both parties were hurt. One was pushed away or was limited in their actions and the other one went to someone who could provide them with that freedom/loving. This isn't for every case but just another perspective!

Correct, I am probably pushing her away with all these questions.

But why would you go out looking for someone and why would he be looking for you. Something fishy if you ask me. Besides, he keeps calling her too. Imagine if he was here. They would probably be meeting instead of calling.

I was cheated on as well so my gaurd is up! Like FORT KNOX! I am suspicious of everything because I am so afraid it will happen again. I have messed up alot of relationships because of it. But that's not so bad... I feel like that they knew going into it I had trust issues. And no they don't necessarily have to spend the whole time with me proving themselves, but at least working on gaining my trust. Being upfront about everything so I had nothing to doubt. And they obviously didn't care to or just weren't all that trustworthy and are gone.

I would rather be alone then feel like the person I am with is someone I need to watch.

You obviously built trust with your wife despite being cheated on before and I'm sure she knows it happened so in my opinion she violated your trust. Even if she didn't physically do anything, or even if it's as "innocent" as she claims it is still a betrayal.

She would not have forgotten to tell you that she caught up with an old friend after 10 years! That's BS. I might forget to lock the door, turn off the iron, go by the post office, you know stuff like that, but I certainly would not forget that.

If you questioning her pushes her away that easy then it would appear as if she is guilty of something. If it is nothing she wouldn't get offended. She would understand that you feel the way you do about it because of the way she handled the whole situation.

Gosh I sound so jaded but it is so hard to trust people to begin with and then you do trust someone enough to love and marry them and they throw all that away because they just can't tell you something as simple as finding an old friend or whatever the case may be. it just makes me mad.

Thanks afitz.

I just dont know how i will be able to trust her again. I'm going to have to wait and see but its going to be hard.

I asked for the next time you have to come talk to me. She says its all over. Told me he wont call anymore. He is uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable and that makes her uncomfortable. So she ended it. However, now i feel like the bad guy. I jsut have this sinking feeling that i don't think this is over, but could just be me acting paranoid.

Look. I will be honest. I have had contact with old friends and they have been guys. Twice it slipped my mind to tell my hubby who was IM'ing me. He never asked because he fully trusts me and I often share the funny stuff that some of my old guy pals email to me. There have been times that he has questioned me about text messages, once where I innocently said "not now, later" to a guy friend...I told him the truth, that I was referring to checking my email, which I did, after I cleaned up the house. Misinterpretation of what is said and the context it is said in CAN infuriate a woman. I know if my hubby was constantly interrogating me, I would become defensive and I would probably be pushing him away as well. I am sorry, but I think you are overreacting. Have you ever thought that maybe he IS just a friend and the reason she doesn't talk to him when you are around is because of the way you react? Or maybe she is venting to him about her problems in life. Maybe he calls often to vent to her. I admit it was wrong for her to "hide" it, but I also believe you jumped in and accused without rationalizing. Not every woman will be like your ex before your current wife. How can you fully trust the woman you are married to if your past still haunts you and makes you defensive?

No I agree, I am probably overreacting. Believe me, I trusted her fully before. Its just that the hiding it bugged me. It would have been better for our relationship if she just spoke to me about it. I would have probably get a bit upset about it, but wouldn't have blown up to what it is now. She went out looking for him too which kinda made me wonder. I guess I'm going to have to work at it, but its going to take alot of sacrifices. ugh!

Thanks for the help motherofhighspiritedones

I just want to know if you ever trusted your wife again? My wife met a guy at my sisters wedding. He was married with 3 kids. They started talking and texting every day. To make matters worse he was over my house while I was out of town. She had been acting a little distant. I knew something was wrong. I checked her cell phone records and notice she was talking to this number all the time. I confronted her and she said, "He is just a friend". Here is why I'm upset:

Both his wife and I did not know
If they where just friends why didn't they tell us
He was over my house while I was out of town
She would tell me she was going to bed and call him.
They both deleted all the text messages

I have a lot to be upset. Both of them promise and are wiling to take a lie detector test. Both of them are saying that nothing happen. Both his wife and I are starting to believe them.

Back to my question. Do you trust her again?

We are both normal not jealous people. I am upset but not showing it.

I agree with afitz. Go with your gut feeling. I know when she has a "platonic" male friend. She always tells me about them. But recently found her connecting with old boyfriends after 12 years of marriage and doing her best to "hide all the evidence" that she is communicating with them. Of course, I don't have access to her email or social networking emails but I have seen phone numbers and texts pop-up on her cell phone and done reverse phone lookups on them on the internet to find out that these were guys that I know she had dated before we met. But she does her best to keep her communication with them a secret.

If your wife talks about guy friends normally but doesn't talk about a select few? I would be concerned about the select few. Neither of us consider ourselves to be jealous people and I still want to trust her. But I also realize that if she is seeking someone else, then I have probably failed her in some way in our marriage.

Sorry gals, but if you are married and you are not telling your husband about your guy friend relationships, then you are hiding something else. Now, there are, of course, exceptions. I had a friend that was overly jealous of his wife and she had to hide all her friendships with guy friends. I understand her situation. They ultimately divorced. He was a loser. But, I tell my wife everything. I tell her if an old friend (guy) that new my ex in high school calls. I tell her who I am with and where I am at. I just think it is a common courtesy in marriage. My wife did the same until recently.

my answer is yes and no.
yes because she hide text messages. if he was a blast from the past what the big deal in telling you.
are you the jealous type?
they can keep in contact with each other and feelings can grow that way.
and no because they are so far away. trust in so important in a relationship, once you loose trust in someone it takes a long time to get it back.

Ok, I agree with afitz. If your wife didn't tell you, then she is hiding something. It might not be an affair, but talking to this person, emailing, whatever, could no doubt lead to other things. If she is getting defensive because you are asking questions then she is keeping something from you. "If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing" is my motto, and she should be comforting your fears instead of getting mad. Does she know of your past history of being cheated on? That should make her more sympathetic to you IF she is not doing anything. Unless you are being totally obsessive about it, then she should be trying her best to make you believe she is being honest. Nothing good comes of this kind of situation, I can tell you that. Sooner or later they could get together. Her first loyalty should be to YOU, not the old friend. Ask her how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? I know I wouldn't be too thrilled. You have a right to be concerned.

Raven hit the nail on the head. This could, and if he is an old flame---will likely, develop into something more. However, the problem in confronting the issue is you come across to her as possessive and overtly jealous and she starts hiding everything. Then all trust is gone and you get into a vicious spiral down. I would hold back on confronting the issue further and monitor the situation from the sidelines. If she is going to cheat on you, there is nothing you can do to stop her and nagging at her will only likely push her further away from you. Like I said, let the situation die for now and sit back and monitor it from the sidelines.