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why we feel?

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Feelings are the root cause for depression. It hurts very badly when someone very close to us starting behaving in strange way, which is never expected from them. Everyone say we should not expect anything from anyone but is it possible to be so close to someone (by mutual understanding of course)and then dont expect anything from them. One of my close friends behavior hurt me a lot and worst part is she doesnt even bother that i felt so bad, i cried in front of her but she was least bothered about me. I dont believe in making many friends, she is very close friend of mine. I dont from past one month what is going wrong between us, i am trying to sort out the misunderstandings between us, as i dont want to loose her but she is least bothered about all these. I got very hurt, and today i am sharing this with you people, cant tell ll these to her, actually i tried yesterday but she ignored it by saying that she is very bad bad stubborn and i should better go away from her. Usually we used to share everything but now situations have changed. I am not able to concentrate any where trying to keep my mind distracted but these things are constantly coming in my mind. I have very important exams to give after 20 days, i dont want to spoil my professional life because of all these.
So easily she said that it doesnt matter for her even if i get hurt because of her, she never used to be like this.
By telling all these i just wanna say that how a person can bring Tsunami in our life! without realizing how much it hurts. I dont want to remain depressed, i am fed up.
Will everything get settled?
Please help i am not at concentrating on studies, my exams are equally important for me, i am trying to study but its in vein.
Please someone guide me?????????
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replied April 29th, 2011
Dear Kshama,

I want to start by making you aware of your freedom to choose your feelings. In other words, YOU can choose how you want to feel about this whole event. And if you do it systematically, the choice won't be just a superficial "feel good" action, but it can become a way of living. Let me explain.

Feelings are not a cause for depression. Depression is a feeling in itself. When you say you are depressed, you really want to say you feel depressed of sad. You might want to modify your first sentence to "Thoughts and beliefs are the cause for depression".

Feelings such as depression, sadness, frustration, anger, guilt, regret, etc. are "Emotional Consequences". And they are consequences of how a person thinks about a certain event in his/her life. Again, it boils down to the person's own choice.

In effect, your hurt and sadness are not a direct result of her behavior. In other words, her behavior have NOT caused the emotional consequences in you. But there is something between "her behavior" and "your feelings". And that something is your "thoughts". Yes, you own thoughts are responsible for most of the emotional disturbances you are going through. These thoughts are the inferences drawn from her actions and behavior, meanings attached to her behavior towards you, labels you might be attaching to yourself or your relationship with her, etc. You may need to go deeper into these thoughts to find out if some of them are irrational for you. Thoughts and beliefs are called irrational if they do not help you towards your goals (being happy, peaceful, etc.).

It appears out of the scope of this forum for me to explain further. I suggest you read this short article for a better understanding of this. The article won't provide you all the answers, and neither will my reply here. But these two things can be a first step you can take towards achieving more control over your own feelings.

http://therationalhour.com/blog/44-dealing -with-irrational-beliefs

Events do not cause emotional consequences. It is our own inferences and beliefs about those events that are responsible for the emotional disturbances. And if this can be understood, you will be able to see that you can have your freedom back. You can then identify your beliefs that are not helping you, modify them into rational beliefs, and move on.

Hope this helps. Take care.

Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD


(This post is for the purpose of providing medical information and is not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a doctor. This post is not intended to give or rule out a diagnosis, create a doctor-patient relationship or replace an existing one. I am not able to diagnose medical conditions online. Please consult with your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider for diagnosis and treatment options)
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replied April 29th, 2011
awww my best friend hurt me a while ago too, i also cried and she felt/feels nothing. We used to spend every second together and share everything together, but then my parents said they were going to make me do cyber school. She knows my number, we live a block from each other and she never calls or writes me back, wont text me back or just stop by when i visit she kinda just ignores me. It's hard but u'll make it through Smile
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replied April 30th, 2011
I do understand what you must had gone through.
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replied April 30th, 2011
Thank you.
Thank you Sir for your Guidance.

As you said, the reason behind my depression is my own thinking or belief. But Sir, I did not start all these thoughts in my mind on my own. It was her act with me nowadays, which has forced me to think in this way.
Everything was fine some months back.
It may sound childish, but she has changed a lot and that's what irritating me.
We both are very strongly attached to each other and its not like she has suddenly stated behaving so weird and immediately I got depressed, rather I am observing the change in her from long time back.
Change is good even I agree but can a person so close to you change this way that now she doesnt even bother if I get hurt only because of her.
I know I sound silly but why I want to share this with you because this one incident has broken me completely but dont want to get sunk in the black hole of depression for my whole life. I am at the verge of completing my graduation and till now non of the matters has affected my studies than this one.
This incident has made me think for my future, I mean some day or other I'll get married and what if in future some emotional crisis happen between me and my husband then again I'll start cursing my feelings and my care for him?
No I dont want to do that.
Till now I was under very wrong Impression that I am a very strong person emotionally and used to laugh on the idea that how some people get so depressed when their girlfriend or boyfriend leave them or when they undergo a break off. But now after this incident,I realized how weak I am? If I become so desperate even with my best friend's behavior then what will happen to me, if a person whom I'll love will do something like this.

All these blah- blah things are running in my mind and the worst part is I am working in such a field that in spite of knowing the fact that I'm so much disturbed from inside,I have to carry "All is well" attitude and have to bear "a Plastic smile" every time on my face. I am bit scared now, what if the things doesnt get well soon and I burst out in Public. I dont want to make our matter as Public show neither I want to be like this forever .
I want to be Happy as I used to be. And if happiness will come only if I'll change my way of thinking then I think it depends on my friend's behavior, unless she becomes normal as we used to be together with each other, I dont think these thoughts will get vanished?

It seems childish but I'm really very disturbed.
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replied May 2nd, 2011
I cried in front of her but she was least bothered about me. I dont believe in making many friends, she is very close friend of mine. I dont from past one month what is going wrong between us, i am trying to sort out the misunderstandings between us, as i dont want to loose her but she is least bothered about all these. I got very hurt, and today i am sharing this with you people, cant tell ll these to her, actually i tried yesterday but she ignored it by saying that she is very bad bad stubborn and i should better go away from her. Usually we used to share everything but now situations have changed.
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replied May 2nd, 2011
don't play it like ur happy and put on a fake smile all the time. It will only tire u out trust me and it just makes things worse. I have hidden my emotions for a long time and had a fake smile and im tired of doing it. if u can u should get the help right away! Feel free to message me anytime :]
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Users who thank GaurdianAngel for this post: Kshama 
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