Relationships and Marriage Forum - why is sex so important in a relationship?

we have know each other since I was 6 he is 6 years older than me and I am 42.
When we got together his sister was dying, not a great time, then my best friend hung himself, then he's sister my best female friend got breast cancer, so you can imagine we have been through the mill.
Now that life is a little easier I have started noticing cracks.
he is not interested in sex, he says he doesn't masterbate and it's just back pain or sore willy or too late or to stressed or something else.
I on the other hand have tried to be as supportive as possible, to talk, to flirt, etc.
the last time i tried to talk to him I said that this was the one thing that will break us up.
since then i have tried using porn and it just leaves me feeling empty, i have thought about getting a 'f***' buddy, but i just can't cheat on my boyfriend.
we have had 4 days with no children and nothing has happened, he just ate too much so he was too full.
then yesterday the one day that niether of us are working AND no kids he goes out with a friend to fix his motorbike.
I have no idea what he likes or wants or feels about me.
he NEVER french kisses, just blows a kiss or a very light peck on the cheek. he cuddles me STANDING Up but says he can't when he gets into be cause his back hurts.
I cn't start sex with him cause i have been turned down too often to feel confident that i will not feel hurt and rejected.
I have tried giving him attention.... in the vain hope I may get some back.....oh! well!
he doesn't want me near his willy..he says it hurts sometimes, well when i go near anyhow.

so why is sex so important to me and not to him.
he will sit and talk about anything else untill the cows come home, but sex nothing at all.

he says i should relax and not pest him and everything will be ok, i tried that and ended up being really unhappy cause i was masterbating myself on my own.

he says that i am no enthusastic and i need to calm down. So i trid that and nothing.

he says its my fault cause i am the one with the problem, that he wants to have sex with me and that he loves me and fancies me....

I am lost and hurt and very unhappy
any advice at all......

so why is sex important?

Replies(8)

JavaMissus

replied on April 11th, 2009

Moderator

Honey, if it wasn't so important, you wouldn't be asking this question...I can say without any reservation, that as much as you want it now, it will get worse...You say that you have been together for three years...Yet you don't know what happened with him prior to those three years....Was he sexually inactive?...Was he put down in a relationship?...Was he bi-sexual and has this raised an uncertainty in his mind?...Is he now at the age where he is having a hard time getting an erection and lives in fear of failure?...There are so many things that could be causing this....Yet saying this, my question to you is, can you handle this?...

Now for your question of why is sex so important....Here I could go on for hours...Early in marriage it was a new sexual thrill...Children came along and at times it became a duty....Age crept in and it took on a new meaning....It became a new erotic hunger...The animal in the woman awoke....Confused me at first, but I threw caution to the wind and let it all hang out...I found that I loved making love to him....I became one of the hottest lover's in the world at giving a man oral sex....I became his Porn Queen...And may I add, that within an hour I am planning on bedding him down......

So why is this so important?...It puts a smile on my face...It makes my heart young...It makes an older man feel like a stud...Makes me eternally young....And sends me to a Forum like this to speak about it.......

Sadly, if you are looking for a woman to tell you that it is not important, I will be a disappointment....I just can't tell you to put on a chastity belt....You are reading the wrong post...As much as I love him and our life, he puts a twinkle in my eye and will until the day I die....

Hope this helps....
Caroline

ServiceU

replied on May 4th, 2009

Supporter

i know of someone who has this problem. the guy has a low sex drive, and this can cause problems.
why does his thing hurt? do you think he's having a problem with his penis? how long has this been going on? some men dont like to go to the doctor/hospital under any circumstances.
dont get mad at him for having a low sex drive. i would research herbal remedies, he should see a doctor.
you have to talk to him and tell him how you feel. in an opposite situation a man would say in a minute "if you dont give it to me, someone else will"

love_pinkish

replied on May 20th, 2009

Supporter

Get him to work out and get active. Maybe something to make himself feel good.

Tasha1133

replied on September 2nd, 2009

New User

His condition doesn't seem normal. have you tried asking him why his penis hurts or why he can't seem to get in the mood for sex? Try doing this without sounding annoyed or irritated, just casually introducing it into the conversation. it might be that hes having problems and he's just too afraid to admit it.Or on different note (hopefully though its not this) could he be gay or bisexual? or the kind of person that really just isn't into sex and just wants a platonic relationship?

W0LF

replied on September 2nd, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

One of the coolest lovers I had told me that sex was as close as she could get to being inside of me, physically emotionally and spirtually. It's that connection and that moment of extreme focus on one other person where you are stripped completely of your pretenses and defenses. If you think about it enough it's terrifying how close we are to our partner when we have sex. You need that in an intimate relationship. You need it as a benchmark for how much closer you need to be all of the time. When the sex is gone it's so easy to drift appart because you've lost sight of that connection you can have with them.

A lot of men in their mid 40's have a sharp drop in sex drive and are disturbingly zen about it. From some of the men I've talked to it is a relief to no longer be hounded by the demon between their thighs and they don't want to have to deal with that anymore. However part of his responsibility as your boyfriend is to take care of the needs you have, especially the ones that he has sole rights to in a monogamous relationship.

Sit him down and explain to him that this is a need of yours, not an interrest, and that he can either work to meet your needs or watch you struggle in frustration without it until you leave him for someone who will give you the things you need to be happy. Tell him you're very happy to work with him and compromise when needed but excuses about back pain or exhaustion don't solve the problem, they only disappoint and hurt you.

wendyrs

replied on September 2nd, 2009

Supporter

Does he take medication for his back or anything else? Certain medications or should I say many medications will decrease the sex drive. What Wolf said is very true. Men are extremly zen about their lack of desire and if their libido is low for whatever reason, and you're not alone because this is actually very common, they just don't want any part of sex. It becomes like a chore to them and they just don't see what they are doing to their partner. The best thing to do is to talk to him like some of the others advised. If he does have pain in his penis it's probably a good idea that he goes to a urologist and gets it checked out. A friend of mine had a hernia and had such great pain for one year and not only didn't he go to a doctor because he thought it was something much worse, he refused to have sex with his wife and she left him. Later he found it was a hernia and after the surgery was fine. You really should talk to him about seeing a doctor. Ask him to please do it for you if he won't do it for himself.

Tasha1133

replied on September 3rd, 2009

New User

Another point to consider. You said you knew him since you were 6, and yet he is now 48. What happened to him before you were together. Can't you analyze what you know from his past? anything that could maybe shed light on your situation on the present. Just a thought. =)

ServiceU

replied on September 3rd, 2009

Supporter

i known my ex since he was 9 and i was 14 babysitting him and his two sisters while both our parents went to church. he had a crush on me and i couldnt stand him.
i started dating him when he was 21 and i was 26.....and i stayed with him for five years in hopes he would eventually mature.NOT!!!
But he got his horrible behavior from his step father. putting women down, no respect for his mother, criticized her from head to toe. he was also a momma's boy and she did everything for him.
so when he lived with me he was a spoiled immature abusive monster.

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