we have know each other since I was 6 he is 6 years older than me and I am 42.
When we got together his sister was dying, not a great time, then my best friend hung himself, then he's sister my best female friend got breast cancer, so you can imagine we have been through the mill.
Now that life is a little easier I have started noticing cracks.
he is not interested in sex, he says he doesn't masterbate and it's just back pain or sore willy or too late or to stressed or something else.
I on the other hand have tried to be as supportive as possible, to talk, to flirt, etc.
the last time i tried to talk to him I said that this was the one thing that will break us up.
since then i have tried using porn and it just leaves me feeling empty, i have thought about getting a 'f***' buddy, but i just can't cheat on my boyfriend.
we have had 4 days with no children and nothing has happened, he just ate too much so he was too full.
then yesterday the one day that niether of us are working AND no kids he goes out with a friend to fix his motorbike.
I have no idea what he likes or wants or feels about me.
he NEVER french kisses, just blows a kiss or a very light peck on the cheek. he cuddles me STANDING Up but says he can't when he gets into be cause his back hurts.
I cn't start sex with him cause i have been turned down too often to feel confident that i will not feel hurt and rejected.
I have tried giving him attention.... in the vain hope I may get some back.....oh! well!
he doesn't want me near his willy..he says it hurts sometimes, well when i go near anyhow.
so why is sex so important to me and not to him.
he will sit and talk about anything else untill the cows come home, but sex nothing at all.
he says i should relax and not pest him and everything will be ok, i tried that and ended up being really unhappy cause i was masterbating myself on my own.
he says that i am no enthusastic and i need to calm down. So i trid that and nothing.
he says its my fault cause i am the one with the problem, that he wants to have sex with me and that he loves me and fancies me....
I am lost and hurt and very unhappy
any advice at all......
Honey, if it wasn't so important, you wouldn't be asking this question...I can say without any reservation, that as much as you want it now, it will get worse...You say that you have been together for three years...Yet you don't know what happened with him prior to those three years....Was he sexually inactive?...Was he put down in a relationship?...Was he bi-sexual and has this raised an uncertainty in his mind?...Is he now at the age where he is having a hard time getting an erection and lives in fear of failure?...There are so many things that could be causing this....Yet saying this, my question to you is, can you handle this?...
Now for your question of why is sex so important....Here I could go on for hours...Early in marriage it was a new sexual thrill...Children came along and at times it became a duty....Age crept in and it took on a new meaning....It became a new erotic hunger...The animal in the woman awoke....Confused me at first, but I threw caution to the wind and let it all hang out...I found that I loved making love to him....I became one of the hottest lover's in the world at giving a man oral sex....I became his Porn Queen...And may I add, that within an hour I am planning on bedding him down......
So why is this so important?...It puts a smile on my face...It makes my heart young...It makes an older man feel like a stud...Makes me eternally young....And sends me to a Forum like this to speak about it.......
Sadly, if you are looking for a woman to tell you that it is not important, I will be a disappointment....I just can't tell you to put on a chastity belt....You are reading the wrong post...As much as I love him and our life, he puts a twinkle in my eye and will until the day I die....
i know of someone who has this problem. the guy has a low sex drive, and this can cause problems.
why does his thing hurt? do you think he's having a problem with his penis? how long has this been going on? some men dont like to go to the doctor/hospital under any circumstances.
dont get mad at him for having a low sex drive. i would research herbal remedies, he should see a doctor.
you have to talk to him and tell him how you feel. in an opposite situation a man would say in a minute "if you dont give it to me, someone else will"
His condition doesn't seem normal. have you tried asking him why his penis hurts or why he can't seem to get in the mood for sex? Try doing this without sounding annoyed or irritated, just casually introducing it into the conversation. it might be that hes having problems and he's just too afraid to admit it.Or on different note (hopefully though its not this) could he be gay or bisexual? or the kind of person that really just isn't into sex and just wants a platonic relationship?
One of the coolest lovers I had told me that sex was as close as she could get to being inside of me, physically emotionally and spirtually. It's that connection and that moment of extreme focus on one other person where you are stripped completely of your pretenses and defenses. If you think about it enough it's terrifying how close we are to our partner when we have sex. You need that in an intimate relationship. You need it as a benchmark for how much closer you need to be all of the time. When the sex is gone it's so easy to drift appart because you've lost sight of that connection you can have with them.
A lot of men in their mid 40's have a sharp drop in sex drive and are disturbingly zen about it. From some of the men I've talked to it is a relief to no longer be hounded by the demon between their thighs and they don't want to have to deal with that anymore. However part of his responsibility as your boyfriend is to take care of the needs you have, especially the ones that he has sole rights to in a monogamous relationship.
Sit him down and explain to him that this is a need of yours, not an interrest, and that he can either work to meet your needs or watch you struggle in frustration without it until you leave him for someone who will give you the things you need to be happy. Tell him you're very happy to work with him and compromise when needed but excuses about back pain or exhaustion don't solve the problem, they only disappoint and hurt you.
Does he take medication for his back or anything else? Certain medications or should I say many medications will decrease the sex drive. What Wolf said is very true. Men are extremly zen about their lack of desire and if their libido is low for whatever reason, and you're not alone because this is actually very common, they just don't want any part of sex. It becomes like a chore to them and they just don't see what they are doing to their partner. The best thing to do is to talk to him like some of the others advised. If he does have pain in his penis it's probably a good idea that he goes to a urologist and gets it checked out. A friend of mine had a hernia and had such great pain for one year and not only didn't he go to a doctor because he thought it was something much worse, he refused to have sex with his wife and she left him. Later he found it was a hernia and after the surgery was fine. You really should talk to him about seeing a doctor. Ask him to please do it for you if he won't do it for himself.
Another point to consider. You said you knew him since you were 6, and yet he is now 48. What happened to him before you were together. Can't you analyze what you know from his past? anything that could maybe shed light on your situation on the present. Just a thought. =)
i known my ex since he was 9 and i was 14 babysitting him and his two sisters while both our parents went to church. he had a crush on me and i couldnt stand him.
i started dating him when he was 21 and i was 26.....and i stayed with him for five years in hopes he would eventually mature.NOT!!!
But he got his horrible behavior from his step father. putting women down, no respect for his mother, criticized her from head to toe. he was also a momma's boy and she did everything for him.
so when he lived with me he was a spoiled immature abusive monster.
Albeit more than a year since the last post...
As a 43 year old man, I agree with W0LF with her
comments about 40+ men "it is a relief to no longer be hounded by the demon between their thighs". Personally,in my younger years, its almost as if my Penis & tesosterone levels "directed" my life. I guess that "evolution" hasn't yet caught up with the fact that men no longer go around impregnating as many women as possible. Much as our sex drive would perhaps want men to have sex nearly "all the time", our civilised societies have dictated otherwise. For the better, sexually frustrating as it may be for us men...
The further irony is that I'm gay. So, in evolutionary terms, it's not as if I would be "procreating", but nah, my testorone levels were as high/higher than my str8 mates. I still can't figure out why, evolutionary, gay people still exist... (yep - the Nazis tried to eradicate homosexuals - but, naively, that was for a limited, evil, perception of their generation....
Maybe current society is only just catching up with the fact that we can't be 100% categorized as gay, str8, bi, etc... Oops, sorry, there is our option, now, of genetic engineering, but then, can homosexuality be explained in either evolutionary or an influence of our parents/upbringing/society, etc. Another debate....
I've tried explaining this to my current bf. He says he was rejected so much by his ex that he just doesn't have a sex drive anymore. He says he does desire me, yet I always initiate and sometimes he doesn't complete. I've told him how bad this makes me feel. He says it will get better, but it hasn't. I haven't nagged. I've tried sending flirty text and pics. I've tried ignoring sex and just being content with holding him. I know how incredibly frustrating this is, but after being told how much he wanted to have sex before, I still think there is some psychological problem with him being with me. He doesn't like french kissing either. I really think this is more of an intimacy issue, but he's such a prude and doesn't talk about anything and I don't want to talk it to death. He's promised to go to the Dr. once his new insurance kicks in. I hope he does. What can I do to feel closer to him now?
Hi Frustrated2010 and welcome to ehealth: I hate to tell you this, but pretty much what you see is what you are going to get...Just because we love someone does not mean that our libidos will be the same...The fact that he has had this problem with a past relationship again kind of points at this happening before in his life...
You and he may want to see a Therapist to find out why he hesitates with intimacy, but honey, you can't change what you can't change...My best advice for you would be to partner up with someone exactly like you...One who loves to make love and let it all hang out...That's what I did and we have a ball...Good luck and do take care...