I just got to day 6. I've had binges before. But looking back I was actually addicted. Because I only stopped the binges when my dealer was out of town or I was. I'd do 3 days or 2 weeks of detox then back on the horse I'd go for a month.
Like you, I chose to get clean again. I had to actually de-friend the people I associated getting pills from or doing them with. I wrote them lengthy emails, because all in all they are friends of mine but it's unhealthy for them and me to "hang out" the temptation would be to great. They actually agreed and wished me the best. I think that made a huge difference. I always feel bad when I severe ties with people.
Anyways, I have that nagging feeling to find a pill. I have small triggers. A friend I use to get my pills from wrote me an email, said he was thinking about me and hoped I was okay. It said nothing more. And because that was my dealer and I knew he was back from his trip I began to think about it. It's sunny and warm today too, that's another trigger.
I felt for a long time I couldn't enjoy anything in life without being high. Like I couldn't slow down, be productive...be creative without sedating myself. Now, I know better. yes the wants are there, but Ive been keeping myself busy.
Lots of independant movies, books that are light hearted and getting outside my apartment and just doing something. Anything. Yes I feel like sh*t but as long as you stay busy it keeps your mind from wandering. Not only that but it wards off the depression.
Best of luck and you are in my thoughts.
Remember everyday gets you closer and closer to being whole again.
