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why does he look at porn...he knows it hurts me!

I have been with my boyfriend for going on 4 years on July 28th...We have had this problem from the first year of our relationship. At first before our kids he would force me to watch porn with him...i did not apprieciate it one bit and told him so...my feelings escallated after we had our first daughter....i would find him staying up late and i would find the sites on the computer...i let it slide and never mentioned it to him because well i thought i was being selfish...but now our youngest daughter is going on 7 months and after i found the sites on the laptop i confronted him...he said no i did not...he denied it, and i actually believed him...now that my mom gave him her iphone i go on it sometimes because my battery is dead or our daughter is watching a movie...and i would fine it on his phone once he said it was his coworker and i believed him...i told him that it hurts me and makes me feel less attracted to him because i know he is looking at another body that does not have stretchmarks and is tight! he said he was sorry and he wont do it again...but i still find it! i ask him and he turns and says thats not me! then asks do you believe me? i always believe him because well idk why...i love him and want things to work. Our sex life has deminished....he hardly ever gives my the time of day and it hurts but my daughters keep me busy...when we do have time together and he wants "some" from me he always says can you give me love...thats our code name for it...he is always straight forward and sometimes i say no...only because i hate when he does that its like he doent even attempt to get me in the mood...its frustrating because we used to have so much passion and now its what he wants when he wants and it hurts....i just dont know what to do anymore...ive told him and explained everything i possible could to him and well its either he doesnt care or forgets...i told him that when he looks at porn it falls under cheating to me because he is lusting over someone else...ive made it clear that if he is tired of me to leave because i cant take constantly be hurt by him that way....am i overreacting? should i just let it all go? what can i do to rekindle the love?
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First Helper DisnDat
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replied July 11th, 2010
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two yrago i went thro the samething, were my husband would look at it behind me and leave it on the computer, it caome down too me tell him that if want too look at it then he had too do it with me being around him in the same room,or i was leaving he didnt chooose that so i left,

if u think looking at porn is chating then,just let him know, if he want too cheat on u then do it after our daughter is in bed and with me around and in the same room, he will eighter look at then or he wont, he may just see how u realy feel about it then, if he dont see how bad it is hurtting u then i would leave for awhile, he will get ur point if he turly loves u and stop looking at it
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replied July 21st, 2010
Your first mistake was letting it slide. Once you've allowed a boundary of yours to be crossed, it is the beginning of the end. He will take advantage of it, and you have let him know you will allow it, so he knows he can easily manipulate you and the situation. If you issue boundaries or ultimatums, you MUST be willing to follow through, or he will never respect the boundary...why should he? He's already gotten a pass. Men have this idea that looking at porn is just what men do and that it's harmless, but that is simply not true. It is a misogynistic attitude and shows a lack of respect for you, and all women in general. Porn relegates us to nothing more than sex objects, not people deserving of respect. A good psychologist will tell you it is abusive and should not be tolerated. It goes to character and trust. Since he has also lied about it, you of course do not want to be intimate with him because you can no longer trust him. This is the way women work. Men tend to use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. Trust is a very precious thing, and once it's gone, it is very hard (impossible in my case) to get it back. Always remember people don't learn not to lie when they are caught out, they simply learn how to lie better next time, so why would you trust him? After the first lie, everything else is discounted, and that is how it is.

You need to respect yourself and put boundaries in place, but if you issue ultimatums, you must follow through. Remember though that past behavior is always the best indicator of future behavior. Believe me when I say I understand where you are coming from as i have been there myself, but over the years, I have learned my boundaries, and I can't sell myself short in order not to rock the relationship boat. This will also set an important precedent for your children because if you don't change his disrespectful behavior toward you, your children will learn his behavior is acceptable...and it simply is not.
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replied March 18th, 2011
porn is simply pictures and videos of people being paid to turn your gears. it's a billion dollar industry completely designed on sucking money out of mens pockets. Overreacting with 'ultimatums' and 'boundaries' is the best way to be a very lonely person for the rest of your life. Men and Women both have fantasies of people other than their significant other. Do not be jealous. If you think your other half is spending too much time looking at porn then you first need to evaluate why this might be happening. Perhaps stress at his job is getting to him, perhaps your ultimatums have completely destroyed your sex lives and you have done a good job driving them to another sexual outlet. maybe that personal boundary you set yourself in doesn't include your other. If this is the case, then let the poor slob go, he has needs that you clearly are not capable of providing.
you have destroyed the relationship by being jealous of figments of his imagination and fantasy world that gives him happiness that you aren't willing to provide.
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replied March 28th, 2011
to much porn
overreacting? lonely? stress? uncapable? fantasy world? Obviously shes reacting through no fault of her own. He's a lieing dicklicker watcher with his babygirl in the house who will grow up. Suppose he'd be pleased to have his daughter in his poor guy stressed out fantasy world so he can watch her lickdick. His needs and shes uncapable? whatiwant YOU to do is shut up by filling your own mouth with D---! May you choke on it along with your terrible advice. Get rid of the lieing piece of sickass. "If it dont feel right, then it isnt" this is not about him, its about you and your baby.
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replied March 28th, 2011
I'm with "whatIwant." I look at porn too, and imagine that these women WANT to be doing these things with either their partners, or with me. No objectification about it. Everybody wants things from sex that they won't/can't ask their S/O for; porn is a harmless outlet for those darker desires. You can't ignore them; they WON'T go away. They GROW in denial, and remain manageable via controlled outlet via porn. Get over it, as long as he's not doing it in front of the kids. Are YOU doing your part to meet his needs? Maybe if you were, he'd need this outlet less. Just my $.02 worth.
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replied March 28th, 2011
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Hi there.
I'm a 52 yrs young man and not a doctor.
My $0.2 cents on this subject is: If you feel that your partner is being unfair by looking at porno, the reasons for him doing so, can be many.
Have you put on weight? Do you have large stretch marks on your body from giving birth etc..? Did you lose your good looks that attracted him to you to begin with?
Etc... etc...
Some people say that age and weight should not matter to your partner, but I disagree.
Most men are attracted to fit/shapely women and viceversa for women vs. men. It goes both ways.
Some say: You should love me for the person I am! queen
Sure, that works at the beginning of the relationship.
Later on it becomes: I fell in love with the person you WERE, not what you've become! protest
It all comes down to an individual preference.
If you prefer to be alone, rather than to see your partner look at porno and make you feel somewhat neglected, then, take the steps you feel are necessary for you to acheive that goal. Also consider what's best for the kids.
For most men, looking at porno is an addiction and, is also just one step away from cheating. Stopping/preventing him from looking at porno, might motivate him to do just that, cheat!
What do you prefer?
The choices reguarding this matter are endless. crystal
Need I say more?
TC. T. rainbow
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replied March 28th, 2011
Oooh you both are such manly men watching what you wish for and cant have. aaah shucks to bad! Both your statements confirm why woman hate porn. You immediately throw the guilt of your sick minds back on us. Inadequate? Hardly, but you must be. Fat? Sorry not that either, but you probably are. Does it please you? Go Boys Go! All alone by yourself with your lonely selfs in your dark room. Good luck finding a lay that isn't on a screen. hahahahahaha
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Users who thank elav65 for this post: Jadynne 

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replied March 28th, 2011
Experienced User
Dear elav65, sad to tell you that, usualy, is women like you who end up all alone, with a bottle .....
It was actualy a woman who first introduced me to porno.
You sound soo familiar, you could be her!
Some women use vibrators etc..., vs. some men look at porno.
It's a well know fact: 99.9% of women, never accept blame for anything! Us men are the scam of the earth.
Who's really to blame, Adam or Eve?
Let's have a poll: Adam-s vs. Eve-s!
Rolling Eyes
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replied March 29th, 2011
Adam TRUSTED her... and look where we are now! @aPaininThe: WELL SAID !! I'm so frickin' sick of men catching the blame for everything, everyone's woes (lot of it IS justified, but by no means all of it!). I for one have settled for watching what I cannot have. It's a poor second, but sour grapes are better than NO grapes at all. I've made my peace with it.... Why haven't you? Fat? 5'10"@165 lbs, ALL muscle... problem is I look like Fritz Wetherbee... hardly a chick magnet! Again, I've made my peace with it. I suggest you work on your bitterness, my poor sad lady.
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replied April 9th, 2011
why is porn sooooo essential?
This thread is so sad.
I don't think men or women are to blame.
Everyone has insecurities.
Everyone has fantasies.
Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated sexually.
I'm 22. Female.
My fiancee gave up porn a couple of months ago, not because I asked him to, or demanded it, or even said it bothered me.
I'm glad he's attracted to boobs--I have them too.
And I wasn't terribly bothered by him checking out porn from time to time--I knew because I'd cleaned spyware and adware linked to porn sites from his computer when it was facing a potential demise. And it didn't bother me.
I accidentally found out today that he's been frequenting some XXX site.
I'm not bothered about the porn. It looked pretty hot.
I'm sad that he needed to lie to me. Especially when I never accused him about porn, or blamed him, or expressed that it was awful, or asked him to stop... nothing.
I'm petite--113lbs--blue-eyed and blonde. I know this isn't an inadequacy thing. And I'm very attracted to him. But I don't understand why he would compromise my trust for porn. He gets me at least once a day.
Why do men need porn so badly?
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replied April 9th, 2011
I'll take a swing at it; hope I don't muddle it too badly.

Many of us porn-watching males are actually embarrassed and/or ashamed of some of the things we want to do to/with women, and with many of the things we find so exciting to watch. I for one would have *tremendous* difficulty asking somebody I loved and respected to perform/submit to some of those actions, no matter how exciting they might be to me. I look at my wife, and I see the woman I've spent almost forty years married to, the mother of my children (being present at childbirth can leave mental scars, when things don't go smoothly... I could cheerfully choke the life out of the doc that delivered our second daughter... he hurt my wife so badly!), and these things just in no way jive with the stuff that drives me wild with lust. They just don't mix. So I can either try my best to bury it all deep and forget about it (which *never* works), or find a relatively harmless outlet for it... porn. It scratches the itch, and no embarrassing/demeaning requests need be made. Call it cowardly if you will... I see it as loving respect. Now, if *she* were to suggest some of these activities.... Smile

That's how it works for me, anyway. Don't judge weakness too harshly; we ALL have them, in one form or another.
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replied April 9th, 2011
lost
Nah, not cowardly.
It sounds like there's a lot of love and compassion in your marriage, from the little you've shared. It's just sad that there isn't an open and gentle way to discuss sexual needs with significant others for most couples.

I guess, to refine my question(s):
Is there a gentle way that a couple can find happy, sexual compromise? Is it possible for a man to be completely satisfied in one woman--especially if she does try the kinky things suggested? What kind of questions can a woman ask her man that can alleviate the shame and provide space for honest communication of sexual needs for both partners?

When the youth is gone, does porn become the norm?
Should I accept this now before I get married?
If so, does it go both ways?
Am I allowed to watch men naked and it's all fair play?

I don't want to go into this situation with flaming accusations and poke at his shame, but I feel horribly lied to and it makes me question what other lies I might have been tricked with. I'm okay with the porn as long as I'm still the only one he lays with--but should I not be? Is this the beginning of tons of lies? Or will he lust enough that he takes action in real life?
I don't know what to do.
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replied April 10th, 2011
Thanks... there's indeed a lot of compassion and caring for each other... but little passion. Hence the porn. Familiarity breeds not contempt, but comfort, and in all but the rarest cases, familiarity is a real passion-killer. This can be avoided, but takes exceptionally open and honest and committed partners to keep things zingy... and sadly, most of us ain't exceptional.

In my particular case, I'm 57 years old, things aren't working as well as they used to, and the realization has finally hit, hard, at a gut level, that more days lie behind than lie ahead, and this seems to have triggered a renaissance of sexual passion... but with the firm restrictions she places on what she finds acceptable behavior in the bedroom, I'm left with few alternatives; stuff it down and refuse to acknowledge it (impossible and unhealthy), fight about it (even a child won't accept something begrudged from somebody else), cheat, or watch porn and try not to be too obvious about it. I try to limit it to textual stuff (a good story is almost always better than a grainy movie clip), but guys, being such visual creatures, need that visual stimulation... so, porn; not constantly, but at least a couple times a week. I just try to steer a course that offers *some* satisfaction and minimal distress to us both.

QUOTE: "Is there a gentle way that a couple can find happy, sexual compromise?"

Sure... There *can* be open give-and-take about sexual desires and needs and curiosities, but it takes exceptionally courageous and committed individuals to be that "naked" to one another; the risk for hurt is *enormous,* so most of us just clam up and avoid that risk. I wish with all my heart that it was otherwise, but that's the reality of things.


QUOTE:" When the youth is gone, does porn become the norm? "

Only if the couple allows it to become that way. It takes constant communication and the willingness to work at keeping things good. Go for ease and comfort, and it will most likely indeed become the norm. For what it's worth, my stance is that what's good for the goose is good for the gander; if he's watching porn, and if you want to look at naked men porn, then that's only fair. Avoid the 'canned', commercial stuff; find the amateur sites, it tends to be a lot more genuine and arousing. If porn is to be a factor, at least watch the real deal, not that garbage from the "pros."

As far as the rest of it, have you asked him outright if there's something he likes watching on porn that he'd like to be doing with you? You could also actually *incorporate* porn into your sex lives; let him use it to *show* you what he's finding so unbearably arousing, and you can react from there. Use it as a source if ideas, "mine" it for gold. Tell each other the things that really make you hot, watch some porn together that has that as a theme (in my case the theme is generally "pegging" (google it if you're not familiar with the term) or guys watching their wives with other guys... I know, there's no explaining what gets to you and what doesn't...)

If it's out in the open, it loses a lot of it's fear-factor, its threat. It's like some hapless husband being kinda attracted to a neighbor's wife... so the hapless hubby's wife makes best friends with the neighbor's wife. Situation defused! (Unless he's a monumental jerk...)

an0nym0usgirl, he probably sees it as "harmless," at least in his eyes, because he has NO intention whatsoever of cheating on you, and he's probably having trouble comprehending why it's such a big deal to you. Add in the embarrassment factor, and it's just easier to sweep it under the rug where it'll be unseen. Only way *I* know to defuse this is to confront him openly, not in an antagonistically confrontational manner, but to drag it out, kicking and screaming, into the light. Sit down with him, and make him show you his favorite clips (yes, he has them... he's a guy, isn't he?), and have him tell you *why* he finds it so hot. It may be something really so stupid-silly that you'll think, "That's it? That's all? Well that's just silly!" but NOT out loud, you'll crush the poor guy and he'll clam up and never open up again. Don't leave it 'in the closet," so to speak.

I hope for the very best of outcomes for you and your man!
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replied April 11th, 2011
I dont know about anyone else around here but im a 22 year old female and i think Porn is just HOT! I surprised my Fiance when he found out i watched it, he was like " i got a girl who loves to watch porn.. thats awesome"..lol its nothing to create a full thread about, its the couples choice on what they do, no arguments needed. its a compromise. Talk it out dont blame, do get over heated..it wont solve anything. Much Love!
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replied May 8th, 2013
does he really love me still????
I am having the same issues, I hurt because he can jack off to porn and stay hard but when he gos to put it in,,, gone! He says its him but I DONT SEE IT! I cry daily, I love him with all my heart but how much longer can i take it?? been 5+ months now! He bought me toys...I like the real thing more than him I guess....
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