Hey Tasha1133

I believe the big killer from infidelity is loss of trust. It takes a lot of work to gain someone's trust and to build a foundation for a successful relationship. Infidelity, even when not proven destroys that completely. In some cases it takes you back further than square one. At the point where you are cheated on it's less work to start a new relationship than it is to repair a broken one. There has to be something really remarkable there that you fear you can never find elsewhere to get you to stay.

WOLF, can I ask you a question that you will answer honestly? Are YOU married? I agree with some of what you said, but not all. Yes, infidelity destroys trust. It is devastating, but there are levels to which you have to decide just when to throw in the towel. If it's a "first and only time offender", and the marriage was a good one before the affair, and IF the offender makes every effort to make it right...then there is room for forgiveness. If they are a serial cheater, and have that -if you'll excuse the expression, "wolf" attitude...Wanting to roam around looking for action, then there is more than likely no hope or chance for the marriage to survive. You say it is less work to start a new relationship than to repair a broken one.. I disagree. BOTH take work. Nothing remarkable about it. What you will find out there are alot of lonely souls, more than likely with baggage of their own, to choose from. Very few these days are any more worth the effort than a totally sorry partner. Look at the world. More sad singles around than married couples. Just this forum alone can tell you that. some marriages just hit a little bend it the road. Doesn't mean you need to take new one.

Wolves are actually monogamous for life. I believe you're thinking of dogs. I'm saying that it's easier to build a relationship with someone you've never met than with someone you don't trust. Marriage could mean there are other motivations to keep the relationship together after infidelity. There may be children that need a father, even a cheating one. There could be linked assets that would make leaving complicated. Certainly there are similar motivations in unmarried relationships. But if you want to know why I believe infidelity splits so many couples. I think it's because ending is less work than mending.

Sorry, you're right about wolves...wonder where they get the phrase about guys who are wolves then? Whatever...had to come from somewhere.. How do you know you can trust someone you just met either? Ever hear of Ted Bundy? He was a real charmer! When someone has hurt you that bad, and continues to hurt you, all I can say is, you've got to be pretty insecure, money, kids or whatever the reason to stay with someone like that. UNLESS, you know they are truly sorry and PROVE it in every way. I still disagree...unless you have walked in their shoes, it is hard to judge what you would do, and I see you didn't answer the marriage question, so maybe you are not able to make an experienced judgement at this time.

i think it depends on the relationship, and the person.
for example i see a lot of young women date jerks, and if they cheat then that should be the deal breaker.

i always thought that cheating is the deal breaker. but if i was married and have a beautiful marriage, beautiful house and children involved, then i can see myself forgiving that person.

if the relationship is under a lot of stress and the guy cheats, it wouldnt matter if their is a house and kids, i think i would bail out.

Thank you for answering my questions. To be honest I agree with all of you on some level, my problem is, how do you reconcile yourself to the betrayal of someone you always believed you could trust.

part of me says everything is worth fighting for, because all we've been through and shared, but how about the part of me which questions, how much of what i thought was beautiful was truly real if he could stand to do what he did. i honestly lean toward fighting to save what can be saved at the end of the day.

i just wish there is a foolproof way of knowing whats worth it and whats not =)

My honest feelings. If you are married and you break trust by infidelity? Pack your bags and leave. In just a BF/GF relationship a one time can be forgiven if that person chooses. However, once trust is gone Wolf is correct you will spend countless hours and emotions trying to repair it. If it was so great to begin with then infidelity would never raise its ugly head. For some I know views will be different. But if I cannot trust the one I am with when they walk out the door, and if I constantly have to follow up to assure myself, No Mam, No Sir, Life is just to short and to precious to be taken for granted by some individual who would disrespect, degrade, and damage a loving relationship.

Hey breck08
I'm not sure if I understand the reasoning you have. You said you may forgive a partner for cheating but not a spouse? What is it about a BF/GF relationship that you feel allows more flexibility in cases of infidelity?

i agree with wolf, a marriage should have a stronger bond than a unmarried couple. They made a vow!

Tasha1133,
you heart will tell you if it's worth it or not, but also use common sense in the situation.
Remember in a relationship, two people could feel entirely different. for example when i was happy in love with my ex boyfriend, he was miserable for a long time and didnt tell me.

Did you find out why he cheated? was it someone showing him interest, making him feel good about himself, strongly perusing him, or did he pursue because he didnt feel appreciated by you, did he feel miserable at the time, confused about what he wanted.etc.....

Wolf, I apologize I can see where that can be condescending. BF/GF you just meet and maybe the talk of you are just with me hasn't been fully stated? You know some move a lot quicker already a ring on the finger and its 2 dates. It hurts the same. I meant if in that situation one chooses to forgive then I believe maybe things will heal better. In a longer commitment and definitely marriage then it will take to much from one or both to fully heal. Its just my opinion.

If the marriage is strong and the love is deep, anything can be overcome...What has happened is difficult for not one, but both parties...He suffers as she suffers....They both must heal....However, I believe that in the end that the marriage will be stronger than it has ever been...A short affair or a one night stand should not break a good marriage....It is the love and understanding that is shown between these two people in putting it back together that counts..True love can win out...Then you truly have a love story....IMO, they will be closer than they have ever been....For they have nearly lost each other....

I have to agree with Caroline on this..Marriage or any relationship even a friendship takes work..Heck I think that's the problem in this world right now too much walking and not enough talking..

Everyone makes mistakes-period..We're all human..DO I agree with someone screwing around-no..Do I agree with walking away-no..

Anything worth having is worth fighting for..Tasha1133-anyone could question their relationship but fact is we all could have dirt on us if anyone cared to look hard enough..

Forgivenss is part of marriage, friendship or GF/BF..I'm sure you have done or said things that could be consdiered just as hurtful..Does that mean a person should not forgive? I can't have all that pain upon my shoudlers day in and day out..Above my bed is a sign that says( Kiss me before falling asleep)..

Making up is the ahrdest but also the most rewarding as it puts you on a stronger hold in your relationship..Let it go honey..If you all have talked, if forgivenss has been done then let it go..Doubt loves to hunker down in our lives and cause pain and misery and all the other ugly things that destroys relationships to develop..k

Thank you, Things keep coming back from time to time, but i think we are usually at our best (in the current recovery stage) when we do not dwell on the negative. I am finding that the best thing to do is just to let go. And not to harbor any anger, because when I do it just seems to make things worse for the both of us.

My first husband cheated on me when my youngest son was just 6 weeks old..Unless you have been through this with your spouse, you really don't know the pain that this causes..I forgave him because we were so young and had young children. It's great if it happens one time and you forgive and move on..most people don't..most people who cheat will cheat again and again, that's what happened to me..I kept forgiving him until one day I came home from work and caught him on the phone with his newest girlfriend. That was the end and I told him to get out. I always thought that I did something wrong but knowing that he is on his 3rd wife now and still cheats, makes me believe that it wasn't my fault. One thing I'm sick of hearing is people blaming the wife when the husband cheats.

Tasha,
I hope for your sake that this was a one time affair and he will never do it again..It is disrespectful and so hurtful, I know. I hope that you are strong enough so that not only you can forgive but you can forget that pain..Many times when a spouse cheats the other looses that trust and it will come up in every argument, etc..If he is working late you wonder if he is actually at work..It's difficult to live this way. I hope everything goes well for you. I say forgive the first time but don't put up with the serial cheater.

Why wouldn't the wife share the blame? Husbands are blamed when wives cheat. It's not as if the cheater is in a relationship alone. There was a team effort and that team failed. In any relationship all anyone can ask of you is that you do your best but if you did you best, being blamed obviously isn't meaningful to you. If you failed in communicaiton, in trust, in intimacy, I think it's perfectly appropriate for you to recognize and and take responsibility for your fair share of the infidelity.

Wolf, yes women cheat too and sometimes the husband gets blamed..and yes sometimes the spouse is to blame because they weren't interested in intimacy, etc. but it's not always the case..In many cases the innocent spouse, whether it be the wife or husband is not at fault...That's all I was trying to say. Many people on this site will tell someone like Tasha that it is her fault without even knowing the whole situation, which is a wrong thing to do. Many people cheat, whether it be men or women and it's not their spouses fault.

Men are weak...Pump them up a little and their ego will explode...A woman is not like this...She is well balanced and the stronger of the two...If she wants to cheat, she will...It will be a well planned and deliberate action...She will be horny and in need of loving...But, man does this for a different reason...Someone is stroking his ego, he is not getting enough sex(which a woman is telling him and he may not be) or he is just plain a cruiser....

I really don't believe any one person can be at fault for infidelity. It takes two to make a thing go right. it takes two to tango. Any time someone cheats there are two people in the relationship and two people in the affair and they all bear some responsibility. I will agree so far that there are some parties that are more innocent, some that are less responsible but nobody can cheat in a vaccum.

Most women can't believe that their spouse has been so stupid to do this...The other woman is smart...Hornier than hell and will go to any depth to get laid...She is a wolf in sheep's clothing...and he falls for it like an innocent lamb...No, this can go on behind her back without her even knowing it...I never knew that she came to town after him until three years ago...He could have gone to her and I wouldn't have known it...Where would it have been my fault?...I didn't know about the conversations where she was trying to get him...It didn't happen, but it could have happened....I was innocent and he could have been guilty but didn't go...When a woman wants a man, she goes after him...Unless he is strong and has values and hopefully has taken his marriage vows seriously, he possibly may cheat...Should she give up on him, NO...It was a mistake and if she finds out about it and they love each other and he promises that it will never happen again, then give him another chance...Probably their love will be stronger...

Wrong or right, these are just my thoughts on this..