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Why do I cut myself? And why do I feel this way?

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Well.. Okay this is really hard for me to share. I have only told my closest friends, and not all of them either.

I am just your average 13 year old girl I guess. I have some awesome friends, and a family that cares about me I guess. But I feel like my family doesn't really care about me and how I feel.. they don't support my style really. You see, I am sort of changing my style. I have more of a dark.. gothic sort of style now. And I think they want me to be more like my sisters. They are pretty, athletic, popular. And I am not.. I am none of those. They get straight As in school. I get pretty good grades though.

But recently I have been.. well I feel really lonely but I guess that's my own fault. I pull myself away from everyone and everything. I come home from school and just lock myself in my room and come on my laptop and listen to music really loud so it drowns out everything else. I want to be alone all the time. And I am sad all the time! I haven't really been happy in forever! So one day.. the emotions were just too much.. I didn't have a knife so I found a sem-sharp object and cut myself. It was barely really a cut, they didn't even bleed. I have become more depressed and I found a knife one day.. and I cut myself with it.. those sure bled. I don't cut right on the veiny part of my wrist, but kind of on the side and top of my forearm and wrist. And my ankles. And my hip. And my thigh. And my knee.. kinda everywhere.

I haven't cut myself in over a week now though. But tonight I carved the letter 'A' into my palm. meaning 'Alone'. I don't know whats wrong with me, and why I keep doing this. But I do have every sign of depression. As we approach christmas I am getting more sad. I used to spend christmas with my family, my grandparents and aunt and stuff. But now for a reason I don't know, they are fighting. So I haven't talked to or seen my grandparents and auntie for about 4 years I think. I really miss them.

I feel selfish because a lot of people go through worse stuff than me. I guess it's just the pressures of school and everyone wanting me to be something I'm not?

I am not asking you to tell me to get help. Or how to stop and feel better. I am just wondering if this is a normal thing that some teens go through? Being depressed for no reason? Thank you a lot!

-Alexxis.
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First Helper lolaschwartz
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replied December 19th, 2010
God Alexxis i know what your going through exactly as ive had a similar issue as well, i changed as well i wanted to be alone all the time i would stay at school until late so i didnt have to be at home, i ditched my friends and wanted to kill myself, i was upset and cried all the time. one afternoon i was upset at school and i started to self harm like you it wasnt the most successful as in bleeding but it gave me a release it just esculated from then i started doing it more often and with things like glass and razors and i went through the whole carving words into my arm as well i had about 23, its more significant i think. Anyway to help you all i could say is if you dont want to get help with it like me right now then just be careful not to esculate to more severe cuts as its harder to stop, it is normal in a way for about 1 in 12 teenagers who self harm but to get depression you should have a cause however small, i didnt have a reason and still feel the only reasons i have are pathetic but people cope in different ways, i hope you will overcome your feelings of lonliness and sadness but that doesnt mean im saying you should stop self harming, it really annoys me when people on the forum say i see that i was foolish by doing it because that wont change anyones opinion of self harm it will make it even more of a taboo in society. Good Luck.
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replied December 19th, 2010
Thank you Sarah.. yeah I don't cut too deep. The most that one bled was there was just one biiiig drop that dripped down my arm.. And I have stopped.. for almost a week now. But god I want to so bad!
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replied December 20th, 2010
Alexxis,
you need to get out of the house! go on a vacation. it does not matter where, but enjoy yourself. Meet someone new. Try something new. or, tell you family that you need support from them. you can be your own person. Also, dont carve! when you finally get over it, perhaps soon, you will see the letter A again and go back into depression. It is very normal for teens to be depressed, dont worry. Everyone has there downs.
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replied December 20th, 2010
Ah, but you see, I can't really go on a vacation, I am only 13 and my family doesn't exactly have too much money. And I suck at meeting people! I am really shy, I don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me..I have very low self confidence. I know, I shouldn't carve.. but the letter A symbolizes a lot for me. I was just really sad that night. And it's really not incredibly deep so I don't think it will scar too much. Thank you <3
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replied December 20th, 2010
Alexxis, remember the answer you just wrote to uglygirl007?
Even though you are not doing it for attention, take your own advice! Also, by vacation, I mean anywhere! You could go for a walk down your street if you want! 2 more things:

1:Besides being alone and your name, what does A symbolize for you? I think that is your unlucky letter if you ask me. Mine is S, it is soooo hard to draw!

2: By telling yourself that it wont scar to much, you are giving yourself another reason to cut. You should probably tell yourself that the scar will stay there for life, so that you wont want any more scars.

If you just need someone to talk to, i'm here for you. There are other ways you can get your sadness out.
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replied December 20th, 2010
Yeah I know.. thats another problem. I try to make everyone else feel better, and I don't give a damn about myself! People have told me that too. That I care too much about others and not myself.

A? Well.. I don't know really, I just love the letter. All of my favourite names start with A. And it also stands for Ashamed and Afraid.

I mean, I guess.. but I never think about the aftermath of things. I only think of that place and time. I don't use my head much. When I feel alone and have no one to talk to and I don't know what to do I just grab a knife. Well sometimes. Kind of depends on how bad I feel.

And thank you a lot, same goes for you. If you need to talk about anything I am here. I don't know if you are depressed or anything. But thank you
�
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replied March 8th, 2011
How are you doing Alexxis? Your post saddened me. Thirteen is so young!
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replied March 8th, 2011
I'm 14 now actually.. Burn myself too now. I'm doing worse but I'm not looking for help anymore. I've just given up.
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Users who thank Alexxis for this post: DepressedRazorBlade 

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replied April 27th, 2011
Sounds like me...
I don't blame you. I haven't cut yet but everyday I want to try it more. Been alone forever and life is just me bangin my head on a wall over and over. There is no answer out there apparently and those of us who suffer are just unlucky. Therapy, pills, its all crap. Only works for a few, I've tried for over 10 years. If I was there I'd be right next to you but that might not do much either. All I can say is don't expect any answers we might be screwed unless you find the lucky thing to make life worth it. Love is mine, but I've never had it back, so its worse every time my heart shatters and never even been liked by a girl. Sorry this is long <3 bye
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replied March 9th, 2011
Don't give up - you're so young and have your whole life ahead of you. It won't always be this bad!
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replied December 5th, 2012
cutting
im 13 now too and i cut on my arms, stomach and legs. i know what you feel like with just giving up on wanting help. i tried to get help and stopped for about a month but no one really seemed to care, so I'm back to it now. i've also realized that i am being selfish. there are so many people out there who have bigger problems than me. i don't deserve help - when trying to get help, i may have costed someone their life i used to be depressed, but i feel I'm not any more. i am just so tired of pretending and smiling and looking happy when i just want to die. cutting forever is the only thought that keeps me alive and that my friend would miss meno one deserves to be sad because of me look at me, being selfish again.
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replied January 3rd, 2013
I cut myself to. I'm 22. I've been doing it ever since I was about 14. I'm an average girl. I work a lot and try to stay busy. I'm depressed a lot and I feel like the world would be better off without me and sometimes I wish that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I have a bf of four years and he never calls me pretty or anything he also talks to other girls who ate much more attractive asking if they would like to have sex. I think I only stay with him because I don't want to be alone so I live my life in misery and sadness and my grandma put me on a diet when I was 12 because she didn't want a"fat"granddaughter. I think that's when it started. You're not alone. I know how you feel and I know we don't know each other but I just cut myself really badly and looked up why I feel like I have to do it. This was the first thing I read. To me I feel like the weight gets lifted off of me when I cut like the stress disappears and I think that's why I'm so attached to it. I'm sorry to keep going on and on but I'm here for you even though I'm a stranger and I pray that nothing but happiness comes your way.
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replied February 18th, 2013
cutting
there just no meaning. im 13 most of my friends are what u would call a bad influence. but i love them, i just did a cuting, it hurts this time i was thinking of pouring rubbing alcohol on it for more pain.

im scared! i dont want my family to know, i love them to much!! i have been doing it since december. my first time was with scissors there wasnt any blood but it sure did leave a mark then i used my pocket knife i mainly pressed hard with it not realy any motion but blood came out.

i soon riped ot across my skin multiple times.( i get called emo everyday) so i showed him what a true emo is!!!

i just finnishe sniping my skin with scisors (lots of blood to clean) and two days ago i did some more with my knife. i dont know why?

sometimes i just feel sad then i just need to feel pain but wen i get sad i feel worthless and stupid and all i wunna do is die!

this is my story so far thank you
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replied March 7th, 2013
I've been cutting with a razor blade ever since I was 12. I'm 15 now. Nothing has changed. Take my word for it: get help before you're in too deep (literally and metaphorically). I've gotten to about a month and then just had a breakdown tonight. I have depression, OCD, and bipolar disorder, and my parents took me off my meds because my body and had grown used to them and the effect was void. My wrist is literally stinging as I'm writing this. Get help. Alexis. I'm here if you ever need to talk. We're the same age, aren't we? None of my friends know except one, and she thinks I stopped freshman year (2011). I think at this point we all need someone to talk to. If anybody needs someone, I know I do, I'm here.
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replied June 27th, 2013
I'm 14 and cut..i feel stupid, ugly, worthless , hopeless , needless , and like nobody cares... Nobody's there..everyones caught up in something else like other family in jail or bills, ECT. I'm invisible..ive been cutting for 7 months and nobody knows except my best friend! I've tried to quit but it's so hard!! I eventually can't take all the emotions and they become over whelming so I cut..i got caught twice at school..each time they didn't tell my parents..i cried and begged so they didn't...ive thought about suicide but never really got close to it..tje closest I've gotten to it was writing the suicide goodbye nite..well so yeah...i guess I just don't know anymore..
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replied July 13th, 2013
I cut too. I am 12 years old and I have no idea why I do it. I THINK I have depression, but I don't know for sure. I dont usually want to talk to anyone about it, and I always break out crying.
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replied August 3rd, 2013
old and still do it - self injure
I'm 30.. yes old as heck! I started injuring myself when I was maybe 13 or so.. like trying to make bruises on my body, stuff like that.. I don't remember my first cut, or why or what was going on in my head.. I have lost A LOT of loved ones, literally every person I've ever loved deeply n trusted with my life are now dead.. however I have two kids, one is older n out of the house.. the last time I cut was the day after my best friends funeral.. I did three deep slices on the top of my arm.. they signified the last three years of her life.. anyway, I haven't cut since then and that was in 2007 but for some messed up reason I started again the last few days.. a mirror broke n there were sharp pieces of glass everywhere.. I threw most out n kept a rather pointy one.. so yes, I've cut myself all up this week (my daughter is away for 2 weeks w her father, so i'm by myself).. I've always been depressed, very angry n a total biotch to people I don't know.. drama is a waste of energy and useless so I don't get involved.. but when I cut, I don't know it just feels good.. I like when it stings after.. I like it when they bleed.. I just like it.. fkd up thing is that it's embarrassing now that i'm older I have scars all up and down my arms, tops of my legs, etc.. it's so obvious what they're from so now I've literally run out of places to cut.. which sucks n is sad at the same time..

anyway, that's my deal.. always be careful where you're cutting n with what because you may not mean to cut too deep but it happens in a split second n a trip to the ER and you get to make up a half baked excuse of what happened
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replied January 31st, 2014
Depression
I'm 18, I cut myself for the first time in 8 months. I don't know why I did it, I think that maybe I was matching what I am feeling on the inside to what I wear on the outside. It felt like the release I've been looking for. I feel so alone in this world. I have been feeling really low about myself lately. I suffer from eating disorders, and low self esteem, but I can't picture my future anymore, it's like slowly fading away, and I don't know how to catch up and grab it before it disappears.
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Tags: Depression
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