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Why can't my husband just comfort me when I need it.

I get bad pms. I feel sorry for my husband because of this. It must be hard to have me crying etc every month.

But I have told him over and over, what I need from him when I am starting on a big crying spell. All I need, is for him to be there next to me. To hold me, and to keep telling me it will be ok.
But instead, what does he do 95% of the time? He gets mad at me, storms off, and leaves me alone. Even though he can hear me wailing, and bawling my head off, he doesn't feel it necessary to come help me out. This makes me 100% worse. I feel so alone at that time, I hate myself, my marriage, everything. All I want is some sympathy form him then. But he doesn't get it. I feel totally out of control when that happens.

I always tell him, if I started crying because we are arguing, then just comfort me til I have calmed down, and then later we can finish our argument, and he can be mad at me then. I am not in the right frame of mind then to be arguing when I get to crying. Normally its over something silly anyways, that later on will seem like no big deal.

Maybe I'm the only one who gets these stupid freak outs, maybe my hubby is awesome because he's stayed with me despite this stupid PMS. But to me, I just want to make him understand, but he just doesn't.

Can anyone else relate?
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First Helper Newlywed17
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replied June 13th, 2010
Experienced User
I have this same problem with my hubby. I don't know what to tell you, since i feel this problem will never end.

I know you feel when you say you feel alone and you need him at this time.... I've felt it, too.

He's sitting in the other room, knowing you're crying and doesn't do anything to help the situation.

My only problem is, this isn't only when I'm psming... it's like, ALL the time since I'm bipolar.

It sucks because at these times, I feel like my husband doesn't care or love me since he's not there when I need him the "most"
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replied June 13th, 2010
Experienced User
Why do men do this?
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replied June 13th, 2010
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From my observations on life and being married forever, I think that men and woman are just plain wired different...We women are born with the love, nurturing, motherhood instinct...Men are not...Their children mean much to them, but many and I mean many, could walk away with another woman just like that...It's not that they don't love them, it's that they don't need them as we do...What you speak of I also know...I have had fights with my husband just plain because he would not fight with me and get this settled...I mean arguments here...I have even awaken him from a sound sleep to finish the argument...Needless to say this was long, long ago or else I would not be living in this place of happiness now as I do...

My best advice is cry silently to yourself...I think that after a while it gets old to a man...They will take just so much and take no more...Swallow the hurt you feel inside...It's not that they don't love you, it's that you love them differently than they do you...I am hoping this makes some sense as I am speaking of years of finding out who I am and he is...I must add that at this later year in life I still live in heat for the man...Much love to all...

Caroline
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replied June 29th, 2010
Coming in on the other side of the discussion, I'm at my wits' end trying to work out how best to respond when my wife goes through her monthly difficult patch. She goes mute for a day or two, then explodes at me for being normal, then sobs to herself and tells me our marriage is done for. If I retreat to a safe distance I'm ignoring her and don't care about her, if I say anything she launches into arguments; I can't win. I've tried engaging, but it just makes things worse so I end up appearing heartless and leaving her to it. It's obviously not much fun for her but she doesn't let me help her as she just turns against me. It's driving me crazy, it's horrible having my world fall apart every few weeks. It's been a bit easier to bear since I started keeping a diary of when we have rows etc, and I have to cling on to the fact that so far, everything historically sorts itself out a week later or so, but whenever it's happening it's pretty hard to believe it's not terminal. I feel like I can't build on the relationship because my confidence in it is shaken so regularly and my wife seems to be in denial and claims that it's me that upsets her once a month when I try and discuss it later. I need someone I can rely on and trust, someone I can actually have a discussion with if anything needs to be resolved, but instead she seems to destroy more goodwill in her bad week than we can build up the rest of the time. I do still love her but it seems a bit futile sometimes. Any suggestions?
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replied September 2nd, 2010
Dear Geanorro,
During those first two days when she's silent, as you said, she's probably feeling fairly depressed. Imagine losing somebody you love, and it's been a month. Even though it's over, it still hurts deep down in. Even though it certainly seems unfair, for me, and maybe for her, that's what it feels like every time I'm about to start my cycle. It may feel uncomfortable, forced,or simply too much work, but if you can keep in mind that depression she's likely feeling, maybe you can go out of your way to demonstrate you care for her. Simple things like offering a back rub, getting her cocoa, holding her hand... The type of things you'd do if someone were suffering a loss.

Another thing to keep in mind is that anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is hurt... First you feel hurt, then you shield yourself with anger. The hurt is the real problem that needs to be addressed; not the anger.

Leaving her is probably the worst thing you can do. Loving her is the best thing. Maybe even asking her before the cycle, mid month when neither of you have those pesky hormones interfering, you could ask her ways that she would appreciate your showing love toward her. Really listen and try to apply it; if you ask, say you'll do it, then don't, then this will have utterly backfired.

She's probably going to be scared and automatically defensive for several cycles because unintentionally she has been abandoned at these times in the past.

The good news is that in time, when she sees that your demonstrations of affection are sincere attempts to comport her, she'll likely return many of the favors.

I hope this helps!
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replied September 20th, 2010
Well i know all to well what you are going through. Every month i went through the same thing... crying that everything is over i'm loosing control, etc... My husband .. poor thing.. would just sit there and wonder now what did i do.. hahhaa... but you know over the years i managed to accept this as a time to turn to myself and deal with this my way.. leave him out of the picture.. I started doing a mini retreat in my bedroom and in the bathroom the den.. where ever and take my box of cleenex and cry my eyes out and let all the months issues seep out.. after a damn good 2 days of crying.. i was on top of the world.. I just learned to take that time and deal with it myself..
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replied September 20th, 2010
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I think a lot of you women have it all backward. Everything cannot stop or turn to chaos because you have PMS! I have had it so bad that I was edgy and weepy and I would have to take myself out of the situation, have a good cry quietly and alone, fix my face and go back to work or whatever as if nothing had happened. I know women have it worse than me but I did not read anything that said anyone had sought help from anyone but their significant other. No doctor visits, no research on PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), no medication, nothing. YOU have to take steps to fix this problem and not expect your loved ones to drop everything to deal with your dysfunction. What on earth do you do on the job or with your kids when these spells hit you???
If I sound like I'm a bit ticked off it's because I am. It drives me insane to be accused of having PMS when I am justifiably angered or refute a male while women like you encourage that stereotype.
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replied April 15th, 2012
PMS might not be the only Cause
PMS and emotions are not an illness. It most commonly requires no treatment. Underlying issues might create a situation where PMS requires divorce or medication. I tend to believe that many woman who chalk their relationship issues all up to PMS might not be listening to how unhappy they are in their relationships. Ladies, maybe we need to listen to ourselves every other day of the month, instead of waiting for premenstrual awareness to kick in.
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replied October 28th, 2010
I have sought help, and went to therapy and tried medications. Sometimes I find it's just as hard for women to ask for support as men when it comes to showing your feelings. At least in my socialization, we're taught to be superwoman. We have to help pay the bills during the day, take care of kids and husband at night, and expected to be upbeat about it all the time. Sometimes it extends beyond PMS, sometimes it doesn't.

I've had issues with my husband, where I've told him step by step what I want from him, and it's like talking to a brick wall. He just continues his routine, and if I need comfort or for him to be more involved with our kids so I can have some alone crying time, it just doesn't happen and we end up arguing. By the end of the emotional struggle we are no better than before, and the cycle continues. I understand where Geanorro is coming from because although my husband doesn't cry or anything around me, he tends to shut out our family. I would say to him. Ask what she needs. If she says "I don't know" tell that when she needs you you'll be there. You don't have to drop everything for her, but maybe look at what your daily routine is and do some of the things that she would normally be doing. Say she's usually making dinner, you can make that one night. And don't say anything about how you did all this for her.
Like Newlywed17 stated, the really simple gestures- not necessarily leading to something sexual will go so far. And it will take time, since she might not be use to it. But in the long run, she'll know she can rely on you and come to you when she doesn't necessarily know how to deal with all the emotion. I wish my husband would listen and do that, but I wish you all the best of luck with it!
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replied October 29th, 2010
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culturalmesh, I applaud you for trying other things. I totally understand and agree with your point about partners being more helpful. But it seems as though some of the other posters are only talking about hormonal issues that they have not sought medical help for- if they have, they did not mention it in their posts. I am all for partners chipping in and helping more with the kids and around the house! Even with those with PMS, I'm sure such a gesture would make them feel better. However, medication, supplements or even birth control will most likely be needed in order to reduce the effects of PMS and stabilize their hormones. Simply having a sympathetic partner will not. It does not seem very fair to the men and I worry that the monthly meltdowns will drive them away.
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replied November 26th, 2010
My wife never tries to be understanding.
Well for me it can be anytime. Not just when she has her period. I can be mad, or angry at something that has nothing to do with her, and she'll turn it around and be angry at me for no reason at all. I usually have to calm myself down, and calm her down, when nothing i said was meant to disrespect or was even said in her direction. I always try to explain the whole situation to her so she can understand that she is mad for nothing. It might sound kinda gay, but I need to start crying in order for her to stop being mad all the time, but that doesn't always help. Sometimes she uses it against me and makes like I'm doing it just to make her stop. I don't understand why she likes to be mad at me all the time. I try to show her how I calm down, and explain to her how we can make every situation better for the next time, but she always makes like I'm trying to be a smart ass about the whole thing, and makes like I'm talking down to her. I'm always trying to make the best of the situation, but she always tries to turn it around and make like I'm trying to make it worse. I need help.
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replied November 26th, 2010
And all I ask of her is to be understanding and look at the whole situation. I ask her to love me 100%, care for me and help me when I'm down. She makes like I'm trying to change the subject, and that it was always me who started everything. Like if I'm angry that I lost something, and she asks me something that will make me repeat myself. I tell her that I don't want to repeat my self, and then answer the question. I answer a little rough, but it's because I was in the moment. I lost something really valuable. I come home and still a little mad, in need of some love and caring, but I don't get anything. Instead I get attitude and spitefullness from her, telling me how I disrespected her. I calmly tell her that nothing was directed to her and she shouldn't be mad about anything, I was mad at myself and nothing at her. I calmly explain myself and how I need her at the time to help me relax, and help me calm down. But she makes like she doesn't need to, and all this is my fault cause I disrespected her. No matter how much I explain to her, she doesn't listen. Is it really my fault that the argument lasted so long? Or could she be a little more understanding that I was in the moment and she could have helped me calm down, rather than take everything negatively?
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replied November 27th, 2010
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Re: My wife never tries to be understanding.
BraddaBoy wrote:
Well for me it can be anytime. Not just when she has her period. I can be mad, or angry at something that has nothing to do with her, and she'll turn it around and be angry at me for no reason at all.
Step back and look at what you may be doing wrong that would get her "started". Did you come home from work in a bad mood because the boss was an arse? If so, did you take it out on her, intentionally or not? I know hubby does this to me sometimes. Usually, I can let it go, but sometimes he is just so sullen, grumpy, and angry that I HAVE to say something. And sometimes he replies with shortness in his tone. Which makes me think I did something wrong. Which starts a nitpick. See where I am going?
BraddaBoy wrote:
It might sound kinda gay, but I need to start crying in order for her to stop being mad all the time, but that doesn't always help. Sometimes she uses it against me and makes like I'm doing it just to make her stop.
You said right in your first sentence that you DO cry to make her stop. Yet you complain that she is using that against you by saying you are doing it just to make her stop. But wasn't that the point of crying in the first place? To be honest, she has caught on to your game, and I don't think you like it. You need to quit playing games, first of all.
BraddaBoy wrote:
I try to show her how I calm down, and explain to her how we can make every situation better for the next time, but she always makes like I'm trying to be a smart ass about the whole thing, and makes like I'm talking down to her.
Once again, it is all about perception. If you are rubbing it in her face, so to speak, about how you have been a "good boy" and have calmed down and that NEXT time, SHE should do A instead of B, then yeah, you are being a bit of a smart ass.

The best advice I can give you is to look at things from her perspective. No woman wants to be with an angry man. No woman wants to be with a man who is angry at himself or someone else, yet vents that anger out on her. No woman wants to be with a man who is silent about anger, either. A woman wants to be with a man who is "man" enough to say that he is angry at "so and so" right now and that he needs some time to think. THAT is the way to get her to ask how she can make you feel better, because YOU aren't taking it out on her and making her feel like she did something wrong.
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replied November 27th, 2010
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BraddaBoy wrote:
And all I ask of her is to be understanding and look at the whole situation. I ask her to love me 100%, care for me and help me when I'm down.
Okay, you want her to look at the whole situation, you have to start by TELLING her the whole situation. That means, if you lose something, you tell her that you are having a bad day because you lost something. That is the BEST way to get her to ask what she can do to help. Another thing, do you give HER what you are asking for...100% love her, care for her, help her when she is down? If you cannot honestly answer "yes" to that, then you should not expect it in return.
BraddaBoy wrote:
Like if I'm angry that I lost something, and she asks me something that will make me repeat myself. I tell her that I don't want to repeat my self, and then answer the question.
What if she didn't understand what you were saying or if she couldn't hear you clearly (perhaps because you were yelling?) Then maybe you SHOULD repeat yourself. And not get mad at her for it.
BraddaBoy wrote:
I answer a little rough, but it's because I was in the moment. I lost something really valuable. I come home and still a little mad, in need of some love and caring, but I don't get anything.
Once again, how can you expect love and caring if you come home mad and direct your anger toward her, intentionally or not? Then, of course, she is going to get defensive and think she has done something to tick you off. It is all about proper communication. The first thing you should have done is said you were a bit upset because you lost something valuable and that you needed some time to cool off. If she antagonizes you for that, then her bad. But if you never even attempted to tell her you were angry BEFORE you unintentionally took it out on her, then your bad.
BraddaBoy wrote:
Instead I get attitude and spitefullness from her, telling me how I disrespected her. I calmly tell her that nothing was directed to her and she shouldn't be mad about anything, I was mad at myself and nothing at her.
IF it was NOT directed at her, it should have never been directed TOWARD her, intentionally or not. Of course someone is going to be mad if, out of the blue, their partner yells at them for nothing. It may not have been directed to her, but it sure did get directed AT her, anyway, didn't it?
BraddaBoy wrote:
I calmly explain myself and how I need her at the time to help me relax, and help me calm down. But she makes like she doesn't need to, and all this is my fault cause I disrespected her.
Well, in her defense, you did start in on her by directing your anger toward her. So, yeah, she should not be expected to make YOU feel better when YOU caused her to feel bad.
BraddaBoy wrote:
No matter how much I explain to her, she doesn't listen.
Are you hearing HER out at all? Listening goes both ways, and it helps if neither person is YELLING.
BraddaBoy wrote:
Is it really my fault that the argument lasted so long?
In a way, yes. You need to learn to communicate with her when you are having a bad day. You BOTH need to learn to drop it. If all the argument was about was you getting angry, taking it out on her, and then her getting angry at YOU in return, then you need to man up and apologize and LET IT GO. Just say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take my anger out on you, honey. It's been a bad day." And then LET IT GO. Don't beat the horse to death.
BraddaBoy wrote:
Or could she be a little more understanding that I was in the moment and she could have helped me calm down, rather than take everything negatively?
She was well within her rights to defend herself. It was your mistake. Regardless if YOU were in the moment, you should THINK before you SPEAK. Yes, she could have been more understanding, but you could understand that the fight would never have started if YOU took the initiative to TELL her what was wrong BEFORE taking it out on her. Seriously, you really expect to be able to misdirect your anger at your girlfriend (enough to royally tick her off), have her dust herself off, and just drop everything to help you with your issue? To be more understanding to you? Maybe you should give what you ask for. Understanding.
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replied April 16th, 2012
Experienced User
My wife had terrible PMS when she was younger (before abalation). Sometimes it almost broke up our marriage. I'm sure PMS is tough but, like one poster said, men and women are wired MUCH different. Don't expect your husband to deal with a raving lunatic and just hug you. Find a way to control some of your emotions. I'm sure it must be difficult but, put yourself in his shoes. Three weeks a month everything is going nicely and then boom, dealing with a totally irrational person. I used to tell my wife, PMS is no excuse for being mean and irrational, and I meant it.
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replied August 27th, 2012
Get on the Program dudes
PMS may not be an excuse for being mean and irrational, but I think it is perfectly rational if the woman is saying "It's not you, I am PMSing... can you just give me a hug and tell me it will be all right?" If the man flat out refuses, then he's being irrational imo. Why is it so hard to just smile and let the crazies happen? A kiss on the forehead and the words: "I'm going to give you the house all to yourself, take a bath, read a book, but be good to yourself. I am just going to make things worse because I can't possibly understand what you are going through. I love you and will see you in a few hours." Then just go. Go play poker with the boys, get some fishing in. But leave the house and let her be. It's irrational to argue with a woman that is being irrational. Men... stop... think and just GO.
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